My Back’s Broke

I have chronic back pain! It definitely doesn’t suck! Everything hurts :) (this is my vent blog lmao)

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my skull rings so gently. i can feel the fridge hum behind my eyes

if i could bring myself to open them id bet my ceiling'd look like an open night sky

and i ache for something i cannot name

(the ache for peace and no more pain)

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its so silly to me that every time i have a flare up its like i go straight to bargaining? Its like i think that if i just promise myself to appreciate all the time i spend not in pain itll stop hurting.

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why does it hurt again why does it hurt why why why why i thought i was better i thought i would never have to go through this again why does it hurt why wont it stop why am i even surprised why why why

i thought it was over

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Alas I return. The pain has remained

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Alas I return. The pain has remained

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A Spoonie’s Guide to Living in Pain 24/7: yes we know it sucks

Sunday

While sometimes you will wake up from a dead sleep in the middle

Of the night, from pain, and think to yourself what did I do

To deserve this, you’ll have to tell yourself, no it’s okay, no I don’t actually

Deserve to hurt with each breath, with each motion and twist

And you don’t even have to believe it, just know it’s the truth. It’s true.

I promise.

And while it may take time and years of pain and sweat and flare ups

And tears, you can’t hide from the truth. But you can’t hide

From pain either though. So you just have to keep living

With both, I guess.

Monday

Not being able to get up off the floor can be an interesting metaphor,

But really it just sucks a whole bunch.

And it’s humiliating and stupid and leaves you with the thought that

This is your life and you’ve gotten so bad that you can’t even

Stand up without help. And while being left with your thoughts is always

Fun, you’re still trapped on the floor by the body that was supposed

To be yours, supposed to bring something that helps rather than works against

You. I don’t know when I started seeing my body as a prison, a trap, a curse

In disguise. But I wish I could go back to when I still had enough energy

To drag myself off the floor and walk away from the fear of what I am now.

But.

Eventually, you will either get up off the floor, whether you drag yourself tooth and nail towards a chair or your cane or a counter or anything, or someone comes to find you.

Or you stay on the floor, for just a bit longer;

Either way you have to keep living with yourself.

Tuesday

It’s okay to cry from the pain.

It’s okay, and

I know that it hurts and that its horrible to live like this and this guide doesn’t help with the reality

That being in pain every waking hour sucks so so much. But

You don’t deserve this and neither do I and neither does anyone. But

That thought doesn’t really help anything by itself, does it?

So it’s okay to cry; it’s okay, just

Let yourself do this;

Do not punish yourself for simply existing.

Wednesday

It is not your purpose to

Educate everyone who decides to interrogate you about why

You have a mobility device, why

You are sick, why

You are tired every waking hour and not sleeping and why

You are crying from how much it hurts, god why does it hurt, please just make it stop;

It isn’t your job.

Thursday

You are not a burden.

Friday

Physical therapy is what I hate the most about having chronic pain because it shows me

Just how much I can’t do anymore, how far I am away from the average

Person’s stability and strength, how I fail at the simplest of actions and

It hurts so much. I’m not sure if the soreness afterwards that lasts for hours

And hours even with ice packs eating away the pain, or the shame of knowing

That I have so far to go, to even be considered improving, is worse.

My PT is unchanging and uncompromising, intelligent and kind enough

To know when to stop me from pushing myself too far, too hard, too fast to deal with the

Shame of not being enough for myself; I’m still not quite sure I’m glad he stops me from hurting myself

Or not. But when I look back at how far I’ve come since I started physical therapy, how good it felt to stop failing at the simplest tasks, I think

That while I maybe will never be at the level I want to be at,

Trying to get there will be a battle I will always be willing to fight, if only to deal with the shame of failing myself

And my useless expectations.

Saturday

I laid down in the back of my car the other day, in the pile of blankets and pillows I keep there for this exact reason, and I thought about how it was possible

To feel limitless and so very old at the same exact time, how it felt

To be a walking contradiction of a young face and an old body that’s already given up, and I think,

Maybe, if I was from the beginning going to be a practical joke made

By the universe, someone made from the irony of having a body that was already broken from the day I was born, the only way to deal with this is

To prank the universe right on back, and live out of spite and pain and happiness

To at least be alive and kicking in the first place.

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Just a small town girl......

.........Everything always vaguely hurt....

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Me, looking to the x-ray technician ppl after I get an x-ray for the billionth time: 

Ma’am, Do I still Have Bones??

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Tfw you forget you’re literally disabled and someone has to remind you abt it lmao

[maltedmilkchocolate]

Time blindness is the weirdest aspect of executive dysfunction and so weird as an experience to live with. It’s like you see the clock, the clock says 3pm, you look at the clock again and it’s 3:02, then 3:05, and then you look again and it’s 8pm and WHAT THE FUCK.

You don’t even need hyperfocus. But hyperfocus is like the Warp Speed:tm: version cause when that hits, it’s 3pm and then it’s the next day and why is the sun rising and when did i last eat and oh god i need to use the bathroom. And oh, also, you’re EXHAUSTED. The act of your brain tunnel visioning on something drains you (but that’s another topic).

Time blindness is…. having the general knowledge that today is Wednesday, and you need to do something on Thursday. Thursday is logically tomorrow, but the mysterious void of time is like ‘that’s like next week or something.’  It’s knowing you have to do something in three weeks on the 21st. And as the days creep closer, the 21st is stuck in a constant state of still being 3 weeks away, despite the fact it’s now tomorrow.

It’s wild. ADHD is literally living in a constant state of “There is Now. And there is Later.” and there’s no in between; no dates, no times; no hours, weeks, or months. It’s just Now and Later, and oh god why is is X o’clock already!?

[watchoutfordinosaurs]

Maybe I DO have ADHD….

[jumpingjacktrash]

god, no one’s ever succeeded at describing this for me before.

[randomslasher]

I spent 2 weeks “not worrying” about prepping for an upcoming class because it was still 3 weeks away and didn’t really realize it wasn’t 3 weeks anymore until Wednesday the week before the class began, then spent 3 days scrambling around to get all the prep work done. 

This is a really accurate description of this really bizarre and inconvenient piece of ADHD. 

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For once in my god damn life I would just like to be able to fall asleep without being in pain

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I think it’s getting worse and I don’t know what to do

[itscrazylate]

Not to flex or anything, but if god hadn’t cursed me with a broken spine I would’ve overthrown the government years ago no cap

[itscrazylate]

Gotta day I’m absolutely pissed I don’t get to systemically break down ICE, and instead have to deal with student loads and medical bills for the rest of my life :/ that’s very Not Chill

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Not to flex or anything BUT like I just sat up and my spine cracked so loud my mom heard it in the other room and thought I dropped something.

Y’all WISH you were on my level

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U know when you’re really tired and like ‘okay time to go to bed lads’ and you go to lay down and your back decides to Big Ouch Right That Second? Hate that a whole heckin lot

Guess I’m not going to sleep early :/

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Me, looking to the x-ray technician ppl after I get an x-ray for the billionth time: 

Ma’am, Do I still Have Bones??

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I got another x ray, and in honor of thanksgiving I would like to say that I’m thankful that I still have none of me bones :)

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Lmao guess who just got vibe checked?