his feelings. @badderdecisions - Tumblr Blog

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I’ve really come a long way, haven’t I? Today was a stressful day but it was countered with some good news. Though I’m still battling with anxiety, I’ll give myself a pat on the back for today.

To a better version of myself. Maybe someone who drinks more too. Heh.

#moving on

I really hate seeing the negligence towards my brother. He’s a child with special needs yet they keep him up. This house always has guests and I find that uncomfortable. My mom should at least have a curfew for people who come over because she has a child waiting for her to tuck him in. It’s just really stupid and negligent. Stop bringing ng strays into the house and at least give respect to those who want to sleep.

#personal

I’ve always wondered why is it that I feel empty after finishing a show I like a lot. I would feel this every time I’d watch something I really like. I haven’t felt this way in a while because I’ve just been watching reality TV, mostly the Real Housewives. Although it does make me feel empty whenever a season finishes, I know that there still will be another season next year or another franchise to watch. Basically, it’s endless unless it gets cancelled. I’ve just been watching shows like that for a while but now I’ve been watching TV series a lot. I started watching Pretty Little Liars out of boredom and curiosity. I never expected to like but I ended up finishing it. As soon as I finished, I felt empty. And to avoid the feeling getting worse, I had to look for its replacement, which was the Desperate Housewives. Now I’m about to finish it and I’m scared of feeling empty again. I thought it was just me who felt this- but it turns out some people do as well. While watching Desperate Housewives, I was able to finish a short Japanese drama during the weekend. I just finished the whole show in just two days and I do actually feel empty now, and probably much more when I conclude watching Desperate Housewives.

My depression has been acting up lately. These days, I find myself riddled with fear at times, confused as to what would make me happy or what would make the depression go away, and filled with so many thoughts. Things that usually made me happy don’t evoke the same feeling anymore. I find myself unmotivated, empty and to make things worse, just really uncertain as to what makes me still want to live. I’m not saying I want to stop living but the fact that I can’t find the reason to live upsets me. The shows that I liked always served as temporary companions. I’ve come to know that indeed.. they provide an escape. You get so engrossed in the stories that it makes you live the fantasy through your screen. But once that fantasy ends, you can’t help but feel empty. While everyone in the show gets an ending; whether it would be for good or for worse, you don’t get one. You’re still the same and you’re faced with something you might’ve been subconsciously avoiding. Life. At least in my case. These shows gave me a reason to be excited, to have something to do after work or during. It gave me a reason to go out and stay in cafes just so I could be around people. They gave me something to do just so my idle mind wouldn’t welcome bad thoughts. Rewatching would never give me the same satisfaction or emotions as to when I first watched.

Endings indeed make me sad. It makes me wonder if it was ever related to my dad… I was forced to face an ending and that was his life. I lost the potential of mending our relationship. I never got my preferred ending with him. I don’t know what’s more painful however.. a sudden ending or just knowing when it would come? I love my dad so much. He’s been on my mind a lot lately. I just wish the thought of him would make me more happy than sad. When faced with an ending.. all you can ever go back to is memories. Maybe even a vivid recollection about the feelings you had during those experiences, but you can never feel them again. Not in the same or purest way. When an end comes, we lose something as well.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.. I’m just really feeling empty right now.

#personal

First birthday without my dad

I have been dreading the feeling of being alone again once I finish celebrating my birthday weekend. It makes me wonder if there's any relation to my dad's passing. I've been reminded of him a lot lately.. I miss him, and it is still hard to admit and dwell. With my family's current situation, with my mom feeling depressed, my sister's problems with her studies and my brother's condition, I find myself forced to hide my own and solve it myself just so I wouldn't add to the turmoil. Although it has been effective and there are times where I see myself as capable, I just can't but feel so alone with no one to talk to.

I guess there is another episode of me having to pay for my very blissful birthday weekend. A big sigh from me.

#personal

family.

i write this with another heavy heart. what was supposed to be a joyous celebration became a painful reminder of someone who had passed. it’s my brother’s first birthday without my dad around and celebrating with just us three made it seem sad. seeing my mom pretending to be happy made me feel extremely sad. what’s worse is that there might be brewing family problems.. when do the problems end? now i’m stuck between feeling lonely all alone or staying here and witnessing my mom’s sadness first hand.

Seeing how complete my friend’s families are reminds me how broken my family is right now and how our sanity might just be hanging on a thread. Being strong has its limits indeed.. it’s hard thinking that you are back to normal only to be reminded of what the current situation is.

I love my little brother so much and I wish him the best. I’m sorry for not accepting you in your younger years.

I’m just really done with family. They think I should forget about my pain and hold them together when I too am struggling. It’s unfair. I didn’t sign up to be the eldest. Why can’t they just face their own problems like I did? It’s not my job to inconvenience myself just to make them feel better.

I am exhausted. Why do I have to be their keeper when I’m feeling my own pain?

Thinking of everyone’s pain except for my own. Why is that? Because I think they feel more pain than I do? It makes the mourning even slower.

The pain is still there. The trauma is still there. Not enough exhaustion can get rid of it. Stress will also follow, with a lack of motivation. How does one get through all of this? Humans can only handle as much.. life puts in one many trials, challenges you to the point of giving up. I am weak. I can’t carry everyone’s burden, responsibilities. I can’t keep doing things for people while sacrificing my own comfort. I just wanna be alone. Solitude welcomes those thoughts, but rest is needed. Thoughtless and dreamless rest. Sigh.

I have come so far. I’ve always wanted to change and turn my life around, but I can’t help the fear. I’m scared of the loneliness and I miss my family. I need to be really strong. Please. Don’t let me down, me.

4:23 am sadness.

I’m with my friends now and I’m currently unable to sleep. I’ve had the whole nice day with them spent and I feel like reality still hasnt occurred to me. I’m going to be living alone, fending for myself in quietness. No one will be with me. I’m scared of the loneliness honestly and I don’t want it to be a panic attack or an anxiety attack just a day before my first day. Lord, please help with this. Make me able to regulate my sleep and lighten my mood. I’m really scared so please guide me. I don’t want to ruin this for me. I need this to change my life.

Haven’t been sleeping well lately. Allergies acting up. Ughhhhh… hate weekends with family.

I just spent so much money… oh god. These gacha games do really tempt you. I spent a lot and now I feel so much regret.. scared of getting triggered and losing all interest. God— I should’ve told myself and reminded myself that I’m just a freelance person. I don’t make much so I have to SAVE or not spend above my means. God…

I’ll earn it back.. I just keep telling myself that…

#crazyself