I'm starting to think BPD relationships become so toxic because we accept less than we deserve just too keep from being alone.
We find our needs not being met but feel a false sense of security in the fact that we are not physically alone.
When your FP starts to gaslight you because they don't want to actually help you deal with your problems they ARE preparing to leave. It may take years but at this point they have given up on you. You can feel it but the reality is too much to bear. You try to change yourself even more to prevent it but you can't be something you're not.
So what are you? You don't know. Since you can remember you have blended in like a chameleon in order to be accepted, liked, LOVED. You probably grew up constantly modifying your behavior and thoughts to get the approval of your caregivers. However, the bar was set to high. Hell there never should have been a bar.
You were never given unconditional love, touch, validation or some other basic emotional need as a child. You learned that your needs are met conditionally based on behavior. This taught you to give with the expectation of receiving.
You don't understand what you did wrong as a kid. You're accomplishments were diminished and your failures amplified. You knew that your situation was wrong because you observed so many others living normally. You crave attention so much you're willing to give up must things just to get it.
The people in charge of giving you self-confidence and self-worth failed you. They likely had none of this either so they were handicapped in their ability to build to up.
Were you a victim? Probably.
Does that matter now? Only to you but that's valid
What's the answer? The realization that sometimes there just isn't an easy answer.
You can't be alone because you don't like your own company.
You can't process emotions very well. You have feelings but don't know why. You MUST attach these feelings to something or someone even if it's not the source of your emotional state.
You judge everything and everybody. You judge yourself more harshly than anything else. Things matter to you more than they do the rest of the world.
You label yourself as broken, damaged, abnormal, fucked up.
I have BPD and you have BPD but we're as different as we are alike. Our individual trauma separates us and makes us the distorted snowflake floating among the normal snowflakes.
You would think we could help each other but we can't. If we could do that we probably wouldn't have BPD. But it doesn't mean we can't try.
If you need to talk reach out. Just remember we're all struggling. Build a network of as many other BPD individuals as you can. We need to unite.
