A Dark Place In My Head

This is a sanctuary for my depressing and dark thoughts, where I can let loose, when the world outside just feels so cold.

[badplaceinmyhead]

Another day, another entry

I was told yesterday relationships take work by my partner, and If I can't share my problems with my partner, then it's a redflag. But what's the point in sharing when everything I say is used and weaponized against me constantly. Her excuse is that her patience has worn out these last few years and that's why she acts the way she does. But should that mean I have to share even though I know it will be used against me? She said I've grown distant from the relationship and I agree. I use to be able to see where our relationship is going, even if she didn't. But now, After the consistent nagging and fights, it's come to the point where i don't see the relationship and where it's headed. - She got upset when i said that - hence I can't share how i feel, but she wants me to share it. It's become sporadic when things are going great for a moment that I can see the future of the relationship. Someone once told me that, she's holding me back, and at first I defended her, believing she's good for me... but currently, I'm starting to believe it. I know where I need to go in life as an individual but from the relationship aspect... I'm not sure anymore. As my partner watches social media about how a man should act in a relationship and how to understand women and sends me stuff I'm getting bombarded by her sending the reels and stuff. I get exhausted listening and seeing it. I've got so many invisible weights of the world on my shoulders that she forgets to understand that my peace is the only thing I look forward, and all she says is I have invisible weights too. My thoughts are what invisible weights? what made the relationship great in the beginning was when she said that she'll be my peace so i can go out and concur the world. - Was that a lie? Now she says it's how the man treats the woman in the relationship that determines if he has peace or not at home. She says her therapy is helping. Maybe it's helping her individually - i'm not sure. But i feel like it's not in the grand scheme of things. Sidenote: I've been watching alot of Allison Armstrong recently, and she's such a lovely woman who understands both men and women. #A woman like that is gold. Who knows what a commercial day (Valentine's day) will bring. Maybe it'll be good, maybe it won't.

[badplaceinmyhead]

Trying to find something that was lost

It's hard to say, another day but i feel empty, I'm not sure what it is but i just feel... sadness or numbness these last two days. Perhaps its doing what i don't like. My partner is forcing my hand I don't want this negativity. All i hear is nagging I feel suffocation and smothering. But my flesh just feels like a empty shell... what does this all mean? I'm stuck between two rocks and a hard place, in one hand what i love fullfills my spirit, in the second hand its for her. I just don't know anymore about a relationship it was great in the beginning but as time prgoressed and shit happened, its become bitter the once so sweet relationship is now a bitter and empty moment. Sigh... Tziru Tziru.

[badplaceinmyhead]

When you're angry, sad or negative. Don't cook, it throws everything off and I nearly burned down my place.

Cooking with love is vastly different than cooking just because

[badplaceinmyhead]

Suicidal thoughts are real. When the people around you say they love you feels empty.

[badplaceinmyhead]

I'm confused and Alone.

I'm in a Limbo of different emotional rollercoaster from a friend dying, and my spouse tries to justify why I shouldn't feel this way (trying to paint em in a specific light) She may not have the same relationship as I do with said friend, But I'm still trying to process everything, and now I'm weirded and uncomfortable about it all. He's still a person at the end of the day, a brother, a son, a colleague. She says she's desensitized, I dunno this just feels off to me, followed by I needed to go for a walk to clear my head, and I get a "I'm mad at you for not telling me that you went for a walk."

[badplaceinmyhead]

Fighting the good fight.

Constantly being bombarded by negativity externally is tough. As human's we are automatically programmed to focus on the negative from what we witness and experience as children. We may see, feel and think the battle is external, when in reality the battle is within. Trying to get to the root of our childhood traumas and rewire those thoughts that have been programmed is like a maze, but not impossible. It takes a deeper thought process. Filter out, what makes unconscious mind think like that Replace with the new truth/software and feel it, in mind, body, and soul. You got this buddy, I believe in you even if no one else does.

[badplaceinmyhead]

Another day, more pain.

You ever wonder what the point of everything is, mistakes are made to get to the better version of yourself. However, when your mistakes affect others, they tend to weaponize it or perhaps the tone and verbiage is what make it less digestible and want to take action. I'm not sure, but its another day of long and dreaded emotional toll. When your partner keeps going over the same thing due to what they feel makes sense to them from social media, is toxic af and blames everything on you, you slowly start to fade, wondering when it's your turn to leave this world behind. someday, oneday, maybe, just maybe...we'll leave this world behind just to find peace and comfort.

[badplaceinmyhead]

Some days, the weights just feels so heavy, that my feet and legs feel like it's going to collapse and everything comes falling down.