There are three types of romance novels: the good, the bad and the ugly. Come celebrate the bad and the ugly with Uncle Walter! Quotes posted Tuesdays and Thursdays. (Unrelated posts will be tagged "notromance" for TS.)
On February 10, 2023 we accomplished yet another goal. We managed to raise our second (and last!) child to adulthood without horribly traumatizing them!
The Boy is funny, kind, compassionate, empathetic, and sincere. He has struggled through and overcome a lot of adversity, and we are so proud of the man he has become.
We could not have asked for better companions for this journey. It’s been 18 years of awesome, just like your shirt says. Happy Birthday!
You may remember that Uncle Walter works in a government building.
Not long ago, I received this text from him.
You need to understand, this display case is right next to a photo of the Director of the government organization.
The following day there was a note left by the person who had changed the case the day before. He explained that he has a very stressful job and that Twilight brings him happiness, so he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Then went on to explain why he was Team Jacob.
Sadly, the day after that the display was removed.
Unfortunately I have no photos of this. Photography is not allowed in the building. 😞
I spoke to UW this morning before he left for work. Apparently, the only reason the display was removed is because that case is reserved for a specific government agency. Word is that they would have left it, except for that.
*There is now a picture of Jasper on a nearby bulletin board.*
You may remember that Uncle Walter works in a government building.
Not long ago, I received this text from him.
You need to understand, this display case is right next to a photo of the Director of the government organization.
The following day there was a note left by the person who had changed the case the day before. He explained that he has a very stressful job and that Twilight brings him happiness, so he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Then went on to explain why he was Team Jacob.
Sadly, the day after that the display was removed.
Unfortunately I have no photos of this. Photography is not allowed in the building. 😞
(Guys! Guys! SOMEONE WROTE ME A STORY! In response to THIS post, tookmelongenough-right wrote me this adorable tale. I’d love to see other takes on this as well! So the offer still stands, but in the meantime, tookmelongenough-right, we’ll send you some romance novels! – though it may take a bit for international shipping. And THANKS AGAIN!)
Sooooo… The Boy tested positive on the 24th. My PCR hasn’t come back, but home test and symptoms say I’m positive, too. Uncle Walter is at his aunt and uncle’s house. The Kid is isolating in other parts of the house.
The Boy and The Kid have both Pfizer shots, but hadn’t been able to get boosters yet (The Kid gets his tomorrow). Uncle Walter got both Pfizer shots and a Pfizer booster. I had 3 full Moderna doses.
The Boy seems to be okay. It’s more like a regular cold for him.
I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. My immune system is severely compromised. Right now I’m just hoping it doesn’t get worse.
We’ve been so careful. I double mask, wash & sanitize, barely leave the house. The Boy has been careful, too, and ONLY goes to school. But his school has had the most infections in our county.
PLEASE get vaccinated. Please wear masks. Please wash your hands properly. Please, please, PLEASE stay home. I know everyone wants to be able to spend time with their families. But you know what? We wanted to spend time together, too.
I generally don’t answer calls if I don’t recognize the number, and only occasionally go through my voicemails from unknown numbers. So I just recently checked this one from November 22:
Good morning this message is being left for (The Wife**) please forward the following information to CG* my name is Dawn, I'm calling on behalf of A&A. I am reaching out due to a pending civil complaint that was filed against C** in Ln County****. Due to no contact he*** is instructed to call (#). They will ask for a reference ID number. That number will be (#). Please be advised if Mr.*** G does not make contact before the end of the business day November 22, 2021, this office is prepared to move forward without his consent or acknowledgment. C**G has been notified.”
*they pronounce her name properly. **they pronounce her name (and mine) incorrectly. ***they apparently think she was a man. ****Ln County is where I grew up.
So I call them back. I give the reference number.
Me: “So, um, CG is my MOM. She’s also been DEAD since 2014, so I don’t think she’s going to be able to respond to your civil complaint.”
Them: dead silence.
Me: “I mean, you could TRY to contact her, but you’re going to need a Ouija board...”
(At this point The Boy, who’s in the back seat of the car, starts giggling.)
Me: “…and I’m pretty sure she won’t respond, because I don’t think she has her own Ouija board, and even if she did it would BE ON FIRE.”
(At this point, The Boy completely loses it.)
Them: “…oh.”
Me: “I guess you could try to go after some sort of estate, but unless you want the cheap QVC earrings she left me, you’re probably going to be disappointed.”
(The Boy is in hysterics.)
Them: “um…well… it looks like someone from her estate called earlier to notify us.”
Me: “I guess that would be one of my brothers, so that’s okay. Unless it was the earrings calling.”
Them: “well… um… thank you for letting us know. We’ve put a note about it in our file.”
The thing is:
1) Mom died in 2014 — Seven years ago..
2) she was incarcerated in either jail or an institution from 2005 until her death, so there’s literally no way she incurred any additional debts for nearly 10 years before she died.
3) for about 5 years before she was incarcerated she lived in LK county, not Ln county, which means we’re at least *twenty-one years* from when she could have incurred a debt in Ln county.
This is all fucking sad and hilarious. My kid, though, thinks it’s fantastic that I essentially told them that my mom is in hell.
It’s been over a year since Wally passed. I didn’t necessarily want a puppy, but how could I resist? She’s almost 10 weeks old. We’ve been having some trouble with a name, but the various and sundry children of the house want Cici, standing for Cream Cheese. To go with Bagel and Lox(ley), and since she likes to sleep with or on Bagel. I’m being convinced. She’s enamored with the chickens, who are so much bigger than she is, though they’re indifferent. She’s sweet and cuddly and, most importantly, I can lift and maneuver her with my bad wrist and (opposite) bad shoulder.
Twenty-three years ago today, I moved to Maryland to live with Uncle Walter.
He flew down to Florida to see me on Wednesday the 31st, and on Sunday, January 4th, he asked me to take a chance on him. I called and quit my jobs, and we packed up my Geo Metro hatchback with my stuff. I would have brought more, but UW thought his buck and paring knives were an adequate knife set. They were not.
On January 5th, we stopped to see the man whose wedding we met at. It was his birthday (Happy Birthday!). Since he didn’t know UW was visiting, or that we were leaving that night, it was quite a surprise.
We said goodbyes and drove the night through. UW spent the time saying “Mom and Dad are going to kill me, Mom and Dad are going to kill me,” over and over. For the entire 16 hour drive.
Twenty-three years ago today, Uncle Walter flew down to see me after our initial meeting on December 11th. Not being familiar with Florida geography, UW flew into Orlando airport, a 4 1/2 hour drive from Tallahassee, and I had to be there for his 9 am flight. I had just worked a 12 hour shift, getting off work at 1 am. I was EXHAUSTED.
I spent the few hours after arriving writing out Christmas cards that never got mailed. Eventually I wandered into the airport, which was HUGE. I was dragging an afghan my grandmother had crocheted for me, and fell asleep on a bench. In the terminal. Not at the gate where he was arriving (which you could go to pre-9/11). He had to page me. Twice.
I wore the outfit I had on the day we met: some cut off denim shorts and a Phantom of the Opera t-shirt. I was SO afraid I wouldn’t recognize him. But there he was! I handed him my huge-ass mass of keys and told him he was driving.
And here we are. Two (grown and nearly grown) kids, a mortgage, and twenty happy years of marriage later.
Uncle Walter did his thing where he watches a movie and then gives me a summarized review of it. In this case, Wonder Woman 1984.
SPOILERS AHEAD!
Fairly warned be thee says I!
Seriously, spoilers.
For reals.
You sure?
Okay.
The movie begins with 10+ minutes of American, I mean Themyscarian, Gladiator. Is this important to the plot? No. But it definitely happened. In a 2 1/2 hour movie.
Fast Forward. (VCR joke, get it? Because it’s the 80s.)
Diana rescues people. At the mall. Where it’s the 80s! In case you forgot!
It’s like the 1980s vomited all over the entire movie. WE GET IT, IT’S THE 80s, gawd.
(The money and effort put into restoring that mall for that scene wasn’t worth it.)
She also rescues Barbara, soon to be Cheetah, by beating the shit out of Barbara’s attacker/potential rapist. Because of course.
It’s been 70 years. Diana is a sad, lonely woman. Because her boyfriend is dead. And, despite being loved by all, gorgeous, wealthy, and successful, without a man what is she?
Then you’ve got the Lord Mandolorian, the infomercial star running a Ponzi scheme.
Barbara gets the magical rock and wishes to be just like Diana, despite Diana’s life being nothing but SADNESS ALONE EMPTY because, as we said, no man.
Kristen Wiig, Barbara, is every 90s teen movie protagonist who just has to take her glasses off, put her hair down, and wear something form fitting, and suddenly she’s beautiful! Because glasses and a ponytail are so not hot.
Lord Mando steals the stone and then becomes The Rock, so everyone’s wishing on him like the Blue Fairy only with more fondling.
Wonder Woman doesn’t MEAN to wish for her dead boyfriend, because she would never do something like that on purpose.
Steve is then ripped from, presumably, heaven and Quantum Leaps into random Handsome Man (seriously, that’s what he’s credited as).
Then random Handsome Man shows up at a fundraiser, all “Yo, Diana, it’s me!”
Suddenly he’s not random Handsom Man, he’s Steve!
So naturally, they have sex! With some random dude’s body. Without his knowledge or consent. While they’re both fully aware this is some random dude’s body.
Even Quantum Leap realized that wasn’t okay. And that was MADE in the 80s, not just set there.
Meanwhile, Crystal Lord Mando is granting wishes and taking each person’s most prized possession in exchange, whether that’s power, a car, or a kidney.
Wonder Woman starts losing her Amazonianess because that’s what she traded for Quantum Leaped Steve.
She’s all not okay with this, and the world is also going to end, so after she has an 80s clothing montage with Steve, she figures she might really ought to do something about this whole world ending shit, as inconvenient as it is.
So she, Steve, and Handsom Man’s body fly the invisible jet to Egypt for a car chase.
Oh, yeah, she can turn things invisible now. Guess she didn’t lose those powers.
We’re now an hour and twenty minutes in before Wonder Woman actually Wonder Womans, mall “fight” not withstanding.
After some actually decent stunt work, she lassoes a missile to save some small dummies.
Meanwhile, Cheetah Lady is attacked, AGAIN, by the exact same potential rapist, only this time Cheetah beats him up, which means she’s turning evil or something, since she liked it. Because it’s only okay for Diana to go after bad guys, not for Cheetah Lady to defend herself, and be glad to do it, obviously.
Diana, Steve, and Handsome Man’s body go to the White House to stop Crystal Lord Mando. Where Diana can slip away from the tour because she knows Carl. You know, Carl. Who can just decide all on his own to take people around the White House, because he’s Carl. Frickin’ Carl.
Crystal Lord Mando holds hands with the president and looks lovingly into his eyes.
Now he knows about particle beams. He wants to become PARTICLE MANDO.
Diana’s CGI lasso destroys a bunch of art and beats people up.
Still human Cheetah Lady saves Crystal Lord Mando because she likes being hot.
They fight the police, or each other, or both? in a scene where some things happen. Or something. It’s a little confusing. They ARE destroying the White House, though.
Chaos! Riots! Dogs and cats, living together...mass hysteria! (It is the 80s after all.)
Diana, Steve, and Handsom Man’s body (which has now had the shit beaten out of it) lean against a column.
Where we get the whole “Diana can’t win without the woman pain of losing her boyfriend,” just like the first movie. She’s all “I’ll never love again!” But he’s all, “it’s cool, I’m already dead.” So they kiss, she walks away, she renounces her wish, and she’s all Amazonian again.
Then random Handsome Dude is just... there? Sore and in pain from having the shit kicked out of him. With no memory of how he got there, or any idea of what’s been happening, and definitely not what his body’s been doing?
Steve Trevor leaps out, jumping from body to body, striving to put right what once went wrong in the DCEU.
Then Diana LASSOES AN AIRPLANE.
And now she can fly because Steve and LOVE.
We are TWO HOURS INTO THIS MOVIE.
Barbara, in her spiky jacket, wishes to be different. Like nobody else. Because she’s unique, and special and UNIQUE.
Cue Metallica, because Diana’s literally RIDING THE LIGHTNING to get to Particle Mando. And she can hear everyone’s wishes now?
Diana changes into her shiny rave outfit.
CGI Actual Animal Cheetah and CGI covered Diana fight in a dark setting, with muted colors, because dear god that CGI is awful and they’ve got to hide it somehow.
(Cats called, they want their design back. Wait, does Cheetah have a butthole? Asking the real questions here. RELEASE THE BUTTHOLE CUT!)
The rave armor, that’s supposed to hold off all the armies of man, can’t stand up to the little kitty claws of someone in face paint and lines drawn on with eyebrow pencil.
Then they’re, like... swinging around? On a CGI lasso and high power line? Something is happening, presumably, but it’s so dark and muted that we’re not exactly sure what.
Cheetah drowns and gets electrocuted, so naturally she’s not dead.
Diana has a wind and paper fight with Crystal Lord Particle Mando.
Monologuing Particle Mando is interrupted by Declarative Diana, who thinks the world was PERFECT in the 80s. Luckily Diana’s got her white girl optimism that first world problems really aren’t so bad, and there are only first world problems.
But she did it! Her cheesy speech about can’t everyone else just be happy not being an immortal Amazonian Warrior? Works. (Probably because the Lasso of Truth was in all the particles, or something.)
Then Not-Crystal-Not-Particle Lord Mando has to save his son, so he renounces his wish and everyone else does, even though they shouldn’t need to? Because if he renounces it, shouldn’t everything stop? Maybe? Who knows how it works.
Everything goes back to... post riots/chaos/hysteria.
No-longer-Crystal-Particle Lord Mando is all good now because his son loves him. Yay?
Presumably something happens to make the world recover from all this, but we’re not privy to what that something was.
Now it’s Christmas. Diana runs into random Handsome Man. Who doesn’t know who she is, has no idea what’s happened to him, and doesn’t know he’s boned her, but hey, she’s cool with it. And he likes the outfit she chose for him, so that whole rape thing is okay now, I guess.
Two and a half hours in, when this long-ass movie SHOULD be over, we’re treated to Diana swimming through the clouds.
FINALLY IT’S OVER.
And then the one good part. Which we WON’T spoil, because it’s actually the one good part. In the goddamn credits.
We decided to embrace 2020’s madness with a Chaos Christmas Tree from our own back yard.
This thing is MASSIVE. Uncle Walter says it’s exposure/immersion therapy for my OCD. It does make me a bit twitchy, but it also seems to really suit the 2020 aesthetic.
Center mass is the (lights and sounds making) Enterprise.
And the new addition this year is the ornament The Kid gave me, which I love.
Happy whatever winter thing you celebrate, even if that is nothing.
Here’s to 2021 being a lot less everything (especially horrible).
Happy (belated from October 14th!) TWENTIETH Anniversary to Uncle Walter!
Thank you for dinner and 20 year old champagne, and for winding my yarn for me.
The Fruit of the Loom underwear was exactly what I needed.
Being as the 20th anniversary’s traditional gift is china, I hope you appreciate my gift and hate it on principle! (And because it’s hideously ugly.)
Thanks for sticking with me. I’m sure I make you question your decision on a daily basis, but somehow the answer always seems to be indulgent amusement. ❤️
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