Dirty Thirty
It is four days until the big 30. I suppose I should be experiencing a degree of excitement ... Another day in the land of the living! Yes there is gratitude, but there is something else. There is a grave deal of disappointment and self critique. It has been crawling up my neck and stifling me. And the reminders and reprimands continue to flood in.
At 9-10 years old, I was certain that my dream job was to be a Carib girl, I had practiced the dance in front of the television with my aunty Kathy for every West Indies cricket match... "Go T&T, Show them what you've got....Go T&T, show them what you've got!" I felt like I was well equipped after all of these practices and well on my way with Aunty Kathy as coach...By 20 I would be in a gear to fulfill this childhood dream...but unfortunately, this never came to fruition. I realised that maybe I did not want to be a Carib gitl anymore.
By 12-15 I was going to be a lawyer...The entire basis of this decision was that I like to argue...Thus, I would be the perfect fit for the profession because of course, there is no other basis to law beyond the ability to argue. LOL. By 25 I would have my own law practice and win all of my cases....Again wishful thinking.
When I got to university at 17 years old, to study Business Management, with an intended emphasis in Marketing...armed with my Procter and Gamble.... because obviously is that is the marketing bible. During Cape I trekked with that everywhere all over my high school. It was so bad my teacher used to borrow my textbook as reference for class. I was one of those students... YES.
Anyways...I clearly did none of those things...Flash forward, to returning to Trinidad and Tobago and finally finding my niche. I determined Psychology was what I really wanted to do with my life. After serving as a Resident Assistant in University, and dealing with many instances of youth crisis, I recognised that this was what I wanted to do...No NEEDED to work with people... I have always had a passion for people, in particular young people. I finally felt at peace at making this discovery. There...the decision was made. I was going to do my Masters in psychology which I started in September of 2019. The following year the pandemic hit... negatively impacting many things related to school. An experience which the world was never prepared for...
By 2020 is when the self critique began to rear its ugly head. I started to feel like I was choked and bound by own criticisms. With only a thesis left to defend, which had to be postponed due to illness, much to my displeasure because, "Ah just want to done!" I became very unforgiving and have been failing to offer myself grace.
I have adopted the following thought points:
Why it is you taking so long to figure out yuh damn life?
At 30 you were supposed to be married with an established career?
You have disappointed your family because you supposedly had so much promise.
What is wrong with you?
People often speak about the wrongs of comparing yourself to others. However, we need to have conversations around comparison to self...to our potential or perceived potential. This may be an even more toxic practice.
And there is something about 30 that makes us feel like we are running out of time...That we old. I assume that the four grey hairs I have managed to develop over the past few months may contribute to this....WAY DEY COME OUT FROM?
For this realisation and this reason...I have determined that 30 will be a year of forgiveness and grace. I have decided on allowing myself the opportunity to thrive as opposed to setting unrealistic deadlines for myself. I have decided to celebrate my wins and take the failings as a lesson. I have decided to cherish moments, and not hold them to my chest so that I cannot move past them.
I am determined to achieve my goals...but I am determined to release the timeline.










