Kirsten Sonnier @ballerslife22 - Tumblr Blog

I feel like you’re pulling away from me, and I don’t know what to do. It absolutely scares the shit out of me like you can’t believe. I do t see you smile like you used to and I wish I did. I don’t know what I have to do but I want to get you back to that place.

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I should have warned her. Yes i need constant reassurance. Yes I get clingy. Yes i get crazy jealous, Yes I need a lot of attention. But i fell so hard. And your love is all I want, If i feel that even for a second you don’t love me I feel like I’m losing everything. It just happens. I can’t control it, I’m working on it. But i didn’t chose to be this way. I’m like this because i have to be, because I was never not fighting for love. No this is not an excuse, but an apology, I’m hard to love.

When you left tonight it was like a piece of me was torn out. After New Year’s Eve, I’m scared every moment you leave the house and are away from me. I have never felt this scared before in my life, but I feel like if I tell you this you will get aggravated with me. I know it’s my anxiety, and I’m so glad I made that doctors appointment today. I just wish the appointment was closer. I really need the help now. I know I can’t live life scared of normal life. I just now see how fragile life is. I want to spend every waking moment making you feel loved, so just in case something were to happen you know just how much I loved you. It’s beyond anything I can say or dream of. I’m getting the help I need and the help you want me to get. I’m on my way babygirl. I promise I will try everything in my power to be healthy and better so that I can be there for you always and forever.

I just want to be there for you. I want to hold you and not let anything in the world touch you, but I know that right now I have to let you do this on your own and that is incredibly hard for me. I just want you to know I’m here whenever you need me.

I guess this is sort of like a journal of sorts now. I do hope one day you might see them. You say you hate your job and all I can do is think, we’ll damn if I would have just stayed an engineer. I love teaching, but if it means that I can give you a life where you can step back and just think for a minute I’ll do anything. I have been looking at other options that makes more money. The one I hope works out is becoming a principal, but that’s still a couple years away to even be able to start school for that. I just wish I could give you the life you want. It hurts me so much to know how much misery you are in. I was so happy when you said that you were starting to enjoy your job again, but I guess that was just the newness of it. I will find a way to give you what you need. I just have to get out of this depression I’m in. I don’t even think you know anything about it. I’m an anxious and depressed mess and I’m hiding it from you. I just don’t want you to worry when I know you have your own demons. I know that’s not how marriage should work, but I’ve been hiding it my whole life. It is so hard to get out of the habit of not telling people when you’re hurting. I know I need to go to the doctor, but I’m to anxious to even go. It terrifies me. I need help so that I can give you what you want, and once I have my insurance back from this job switch, I plan to go get the help I need so that I can help you. I promise I’m going to try my best to help you. I love you so much!

Here goes another one… I’m so anxious. You’re hurting and scared and you won’t tell me why. I have no idea what is going on. All I know is that something happened. You have told Drew but you probably won’t tell me and that hurts. I know I don’t understand the things your work involves but I’m going to be your wife in 3 months, and you won’t tell me things. I tell you everything even when I don’t want to you drag it out of me, but I’m not that type of person. I don’t push when you tell me you don’t want to talk. I sit there and all of my anxiety starts to bubble up like it’s been doing for the past two hours. All the anxiety riddled thoughts make me terrified. I don’t know what to do. All I can do is just to leave you alone, but it makes me feel like we’re drifting apart when that happens. As of lately it feels like it’s been happening a lot. That terrifies me too. It’s just like a huge storm in my mind, and I can only imagine how you feel because you won’t tell me anything. You’ll come home acting like things are fine but they aren’t. I just don’t know what to do anymore . Someday I hope you see this.

Sometimes I don’t feel I’m good enough for you. I don’t know if you will ever see this, but if you do I’ve never once felt good enough for you. You are so amazingly smart and are going to do such great things. You have all these amazing dreams, and I’m just a teacher. I love teaching, but I know it’s not the best job. I just wish I could be more for you. I wish you could see how much I want to be able to talk to you about your medical stuff, but I just don’t understand. I’m so scared one day that it will start to bother you that I ask questions when you’re talking about your day. I know you talk to Drew, but I’m your person. I just wish you could talk to me too, but I knows it’s aggravating having to go back through the whole call because I don’t understand. I’m scared your going to get tired of it and leave me. I know we’re getting married, but it just feels to good to be true. Things never go right for me, but you are the one right thing that has happened. I don’t want that to go away and I’m so scared it will. I don’t want to lose you.