Untitled

[durendoll]

Issuing a broad apology to etsy witches, now that magic is real apparently.

[durendoll]

two-day delivery like they had Prime shipping.

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

I flunked out of music school at the university where it happened

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

Why does this keep happening?

Why

Why

Why

Why

Why

Why

Why

Why

Why

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

Am I ever going to be the same again? Am I ever going to function again? My insides hurt as if my entrails are twisting the way my mind does. Maybe I shouldn't hope to get better anymore. Why was I born like this? Why do I exist?

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

Help Wanted

Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

Invisible

My suffering is invisible until it becomes someone else's problem. My illness is invisible until I'm seeing death around every corner. My disability is invisible until I can't get out of bed to eat.

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

Agony

Agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony agony

[only-knives]

it's never too late to start brushing your teeth again. i basically never brushed my teeth for a whole 10 years. a decade. A DECADE. i still struggle to brush my teeth once a week, but it all started with brushing my teeth once every few months. so i mean it when i say brushing your teeth once a week, a month, a year, or even a decade, is better than nothing.

and still, nothing is not shameful. it is not immoral to struggle with self care. and it is also not pointless to keep trying. anything you can do, even if its wiping plaque off with a towel, is enough. it is good to take care of yourself however you can, even if it's just trying to muster the will to. reading this post is good, too.

i believe in you and i am proud of you, even in the smallest of steps. it's okay. you can give yourself grace.

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

Better to do it once in a while rather than not at all. It took me a really long time to feel comfortable standing in front of a mirror long enough to wash my face and brush my teeth. Some days I have to close all the bathroom doors and hide under my blankets so that I can't be seen by the creatures in the mirrors

[grendel-menz]

Ramblings about schizophrenia

[tortiefrancis]

hey fun fact did you know that if you're on the schizophrenia spectrum, have psychosis, have psychotic symptoms or traits, etc, that you're loved and your symptoms and traits should not be vilainized or seen as evil or ugly?

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

I've been struggling for so long and only this week realized that my partner does, in fact, love me. He is relieved and happy that I'm finally starting to work on the malignant shame that makes me feel like I'm a failure for being unable to work.

I started a supplemental medication to take care of side effects from my primary medication and it made me regress badly in just 6 days. The change was drastic enough that my therapist noticed and asked me to schedule a sooner appt with my psychiatrist to get my meds adjusted again. It feels like I'm never going to find the right concoction. That I'm never going to find any sense of normalcy.

But I have to keep trying.

[schizopositivity]

Here's a reminder to fight the internalized sanism/ableism in your head.

If you have executive dysfunction, don't compare your productivity to people who don't.

If you have anhedonia, don't compare your struggling to keep up with hobbies to someone who doesn't.

If you have paranoia, don't think of your fears as any less valid than the fears of someone who doesn't.

If your meds make you tired constantly, don't compare your energy levels to someone who doesn't take those meds.

If you have issues with concentration, then you won't be able to pay attention as well as someone who doesn't.

If you're in the deep end of a pool, then you can't compare how well you keep your head above water to someone who is standing in a kiddie pool.

Please try to think of these things when you feel "lazy" or "childish" or "a failure" compared to other people that don't struggle with the same symptoms as you. If you have a mental illness that will affect how you act in everyday situations, then it will in fact affect you in everyday situations. It's not an excuse, it's just a reality. We need to try to be kinder to ourselves.

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

The meds made me worse

I got put on a supplemental medication to combat the side effects of my primary medication and I have regressed significantly in the span of 6 days. I have the go ahead to stop the medication immediately, but it feels like having the wind knocked out of me to know that yet another mood stabilizer doesn't work for me. I haven't touched blog in a while because I've been working on myself and doing my best not to die.

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

Hi, Zuko here

I got bumped up to two times a week for therapy. Today's session consisted of me angrily ranting about my abusers and my therapist asking less than 10 questions. I feel like absolute dogshit. The good news is that my therapy assignment this week is to start writing the album I've been thinking about for years.

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

I am a cool bitch, dumbass. It came free with my fucking mental illness.

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

Today sucked

I was dissociated the entire day, extremely irritable, and feeling like I had zero ability to regulate my emotions. I ended up smoking a bit to calm down, and the high took a turn. I was lucky I didn't switch to a regressed age.

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

Drew this as a prompt from a guided journal I write in every day.

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

TW: talking about psychosis and existential spirals

My therapist asked me to illustrate my core delusion when I enter psychosis. I start as just a little dude, because I'm just a person, but then I start feeling like my existence is inherently evil. This is followed by a period where I start feeling like the humanity is melting off my body, and all I'm left with is what I truly am: an intrinsically evil, wrong being that should never have existed in the first place. One of my most common beliefs is that I was born to bring misery to everyone I have ever interacted with, like I'm a cosmic anomaly that attracts nothing but misery.

[banana-eater-pp-beater]

I be healing I guess

Finally started getting all of my repressed memories recently. I started TMS in September and had a full round of ketamine treatments. All the shit on my page before this is from when I was like a 13-year-old weeb, and I'm too lazy to go through and delete it. I'm going to use this page as a way to document my mental health/trauma journey. Things do get better, even when you don't want them to.