I donāt feel insecure about anything in my appearance. I donāt feel ugly for not being skinny or fit, nor have i any particular dream body in mind. I donāt think about my weight. I donāt worry about it. It means nothing for me. I am whatever i am at that moment, nothing more. I personally find myself attractive, but i know to a lot of people iām rather mediocre or somewhat alright until they see my body. I have somewhat unproportionally big stomach, one that a lot of middle aged men whom i related to have, but you canāt always tell i have it, since i donāt have a lot of tight fitting clothes in my wardrobe. Because of it there were many cases when someone was surprised when my ābig ugly secretā was revealed, or i noticed them treating me differently after they saw my stomach. It doesnāt affect my confidence, but the reaction a lot of people give me does make me sad about how one single trait of your body that might not even matter that much to you can change someoneās opinion of you so much. One surprising thing is that, when it comes to queer community, in my cases a lot of people were more chill about me being trans than about mine or my partnerās, who is fat, bodytype. Iām okay with my stomach. Sometimes i kind of even like it - i feel like it helps me look less youngish in appearance, and when i see it im reminded about plenty of pretty guys who have a similar build. Yet because of how much it matters to other people iām always worried of disappointing them, or making them feel disgusted by me, even if iām not disappointed or disgusted by myself.
