Barn Cat Central

A fake news bureau that pierces the chorus of woke cries with a voice even more divorced from reality... a voice whose very breath can part the walls of the bean dip deluge 📍20,000 leagues under the bean

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Reporting you can trust. Takes that you want to hear

Better stories. Better spins. Barn Cat Central

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Deuce Undertow

Dey call me da whale rider, a true deep-sea muff diver

I slam more fat chicks' clams than a movie wit Rob Schneider

Got kicked out Mt Olympus for stealin all dey bitches

Tossed Zeus' salad so hard, left dat lord of da o-ring in stitches

Pegged by Pegasus, skyscrapin da trees

Muh Trojan horse ribbed, u blowin smooth as a breeze

She said come back on ur shield or don't cum at all

Next morn I took to the field, watched muh niggas fumble

Dicked-down by da river, we rowin fightin da flow

Muh pickup, Styx stallin, had to call in a tow

Hit up Hades, pressed 6 to give a seadog a shot

We back on sea time borrowed like toys for tots

Picked up Styx, ballin bout to make she muh hoe

[barncatcentral]

New American-owned business just dropped!

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Zelensky looking to re-up on new batch of F-16s

"Our guys are on a come down from Romania where they were training. Wait until you see fresh lines of these things on the tarmac," he said.

"The Russian Air Force will be tweaking"

[barncatcentral]

Listen carefully, this is your conscience speaking:

Execute Order Sixty-Spics

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RIP Spirit Airlines, you brought diversity to the heavens themselves

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Who's that Pokémon?!

It's Charugula, a rare vegan-type Pokémon!

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Like ole Barny says,

"One man's right to repair is another man's privilege to procrastinate"

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Introducing the official 'Hard R' challenge coin

If you've ever found yourself in the unfortunate position where you've had to drop a hard R to a black person's face in real life (and had the courage and resolve to do so), you've earned one of these

[barncatcentral]

Israel to build new location for popular kippah retailer on site of demolished school in Iran

Following reports of an IDF compound on the site of a demolished UN office, Israel's now eyeing the former location of a bombed-out elementary school with a more image-conscious offering

[barncatcentral]

UAE retools Ferrari World into mega-drone command center as direct war with Iran nears

As the UAE and Iran enter a new phase of escalation, the Emirates converted their largest target, Ferrari World, into an offensive drone hub.

The bold move has Abu Dhabi's tourism dept divided

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Chris Nolan admits committing career seppuku with upcoming woke epic The Odyssey

While the acclaimed film director has acknowledged ongoing criticism of the $250 million race-swapped juggernaut that is his latest project, Chris Nolan remains optimistic that the Oscars it wins will ensure the production crew's continued success, with or without him.

"Just like how Batman had to sacrifice himself to carry that bomb out of Gotham, it's time for me to do whatever it takes to carry those Oscars out of the building come awards night," Nolan said.

"It's like Harvey Dent says in that film: 'You either die a homo or you live long enough to see yourself become the vegan.'"

[barncatcentral]

Coming straight to streaming on your doorbell cam this summer

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Pope Leo XIV mulls ban on sedevacantists' prayers

Following the 2023 Vatican document, Fiducia Supplicans, and its slew of progressive reforms, Pope Leo XIV is now considering enacting a blanket ban on prayers from certain members of the Catholic Church.

Particularly, sedevacantism, a regressionist stance described by some as anti-Semitism draped in religious robes, is currently under consideration.

"Let's be clear. We're not banning anyone from attending any [church] services. We're banning them from the act of prayer during the service," the Pope explained.

"Frankly, these people don't even believe that I'm a legitimate Pope, but the reality is that God... to Him, your prayers feel like spam," he added. "It's 2026... time to leave the mortar and pestle at home. Time to put the Bible down already."

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NICE officers given broader discretion in racial profiling powers

The newly-rebranded Nat'l Immigration and Customs Enforcement (NICE) agency has inaugurated its new era with a controversial set of charges. Outlined in a bill that recently passed the Senate by a narrow margin, the additions to the criminal code give officers probable cause for initiating a stop or search solely on the grounds of racial behavioral norms.

For instance, playing hip-hop or banda music is immediate grounds for a full search of a vehicle and/or drug test, while any amount of complaining in lieu of answering an officer's questions could constitute an infraction (note: these infractions may only be added in the event that any actual misdemeanor or felony charges result).

"To help the public understand the spirit of the law with these new laws, we refer to them as (X) enhancements to existing charges. They're only infractions, but we use them to stack charges if an arrest is made," said a NICE officer who wished to remain anonymous.

They continued: "For instance, if I'm trying to ascertain your citizenship status or where you're coming from, and you're not answering my questions and basically just whining and calling us fascists, we're going to go ahead and search your car on the grounds that you're acting like an illegal immigrant."

"It doesn't matter your race," they added. "Say you're Caucasian and think that lets you off the hook for, excuse my French, acting like a beaner. You'll be charged under the (W) section of the code, or as a (W)eaner."

"If you do end up getting charged with a misdemeanor or felony, it'll now have this new infraction as an add-on... it'll show up as an enhancement to that saying you have a NICE Weaner."

[barncatcentral]

UK rail lines to undergo 'external migrant passenger' trials

As part of sweeping changes made to the UK's fragmented rail industry, Great British Railways (GBR) is implementing a modernized set of certification criteria that includes safety trials for a "Complimentary Top Class," or in other words, passengers riding on top of train cars.

Drafted in response to the common practice of riding externally on trains in South Asian countries, GBR is welcoming the cultural norm in the spirit of inclusivity.

While controversial, the director of GBR assured journalists during a media scrum that the UK is crash testing its trains in preparation for its rising immigrant population: "Look, people keep asking us why we can't just put seatbelts on the roof, and the short answer is that we'd have to recertify every train in the nation," he said.

"What we can do, and what we're currently doing right now, is use taxpayer funds to procure thousands of East Indian-simulating crash dummies... you know, to get a feel for how this thing will play out on the tracks," he added.

When asked if UK citizens would be eligible to ride in Complimentary Top Class, reporters were told that doing so would result in arrest and a fine.