aching heart

"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it." ~ Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

[bartthedwome]

shoutout to the leg press, that machine is uniting everyone and their mother at the gym

from the grandmas to the gym bros to the wannabe gymfluencers to the scrawny twelve year old boys

such unity it beautiful to see 🥹

[bartthedwome]

i think

i want to write a story that's not my own

so i can parce out what in the story

is my own after all

[bartthedwome]

i have the most temptingly coarse, perfectly textured piece of hair on a specific section of my part.

writing this here bc i am NOT gonna pull it i will not be going down like that again

[bartthedwome]

sure, my clothes 'hug' my body

'hug my curves'

the phrase makes my stomach roil like waves in a stormy sea

sure, my clothes 'hug' my body

but it is not a hug that cradles, a hug with love, reverence, and joyful connection...

it is a hug uncomfortably close and slightly violating, from a distant relative who knocks your air out in an awkward, too-long embrace

not holding, but confining

pulling me under those waves in a stormy sea

[bartthedwome]

MEMORY UNLOCKED

happy pride month to the woman who was the costume designer in the Moana special features for being my unrealized first gay crush

[bartthedwome]

that’s the funny thing about scooping into the bottom of your bag

you never quite know what you’ll find

something hides in those shadows, though

something you never knew was so meaningful until now

[bartthedwome]

i think you ate my heart

i have this image of you chewing, seared into my memory

i can see the sun, i can hear the laughter

i remember my heart beating in my chest, so apprehensive but wonderfully alive

it hurt, the carving of my heart from my chest

but with each caress, brimful with love and devotion, you struck a nerve

and oh, what pleasure in such pain

they bleed together after a while

we bled together, for a while

so you chewed, you swallowed

i watched my heart slide down your throat

tasted myself on your lips

and, as we laughed and let our cares evaporate into the clouds

i became a part of you in a way

that night, in the dark

i wish i’d had the time and the courage

to let myself eat your heart too

to let you become a part of me

in a way nobody else ever could

instead of eating your heart, i licked wounds i did not inflict

like the most rabid and sick animal

i still have the taste in my mouth, i think i always will

it starts to decay over time, becoming arid and lethal

it rots my teeth

it leeches into my blood

and now, i suppose you are a part of me

a part of me, as your poison eats away at me slowly

a part of me that starts to attack the blood that was always mine

my body rejects you

and yet my organs fail without you

this devastation feels like your clotted blood, clogging my arteries

my heartbeat is erratic, my blood streams down my face in tears

and i learn that without care, letting another person consume you

kills you slowly

[bartthedwome]

if it rly tastes like strawberries (and a summer evening) i am set for life

[bartthedwome]

they come to me in the night

the melodies

the memories

i don't know what to do with myself, how to get the ghosts to go away

it's the melody of being seen, of shining lights on the stage

i chase the feelings as i experienced them in that moment

and know that i am chasing whisps of clouds in the sky

it makes me cry, now, tears that have been silently welling for months, spilling over

i miss it so desperately

i want to feel it again

i never will with this - that was a one time thing, a meeting of so many people from so many different lives creating something beautiful

now they are stretched across the globe and i miss it

i wish to have someone who resonates with this feeling, who knew what this experience was like

mirrors, mirrors on my walls

who will answer when the darkness calls?

time and time again i find myself here

a new melody, the same heartbreak

i feel so lost without them...i feel so full of the wrong things

it makes me think about how many people believe in me

i know they still do, wherever they may be

god it was so special

i did it lonely and anxious and scared

and i came out the other side for the better

i have to keep pushing for that better

regardless of how different it is now

it's okay to keep chasing that feeling

but in the meantime, what to do?

i'm so conflicted

cognitive dissonance at its finest

what to do?

i know love hurts this much

to be so deeply devoted to something

it's a hell of a drug, but the withdrawals are deadly

the addiction metaphors never cease

because i am addicted to the feeling and i'm haunted by my predisposed weakness towards it

this was sweet, though

to be so supported? and how do i express that?

how do i keep those connections alive in any kind of expression of how much it meant to me? it all feels so detached.

it's a loss

a constant, driving grief

for someone who's had so little relationship with death i sure have felt a lot of grief in my life

death isn't the only form of loss

i feel purposeless, without a guiding compass of just the most loving and kind and attentive people

how do i channel this emotion and this feeling?

how do i make it into art?

i want to try - there's something here, a flickering flame that sparks, rears its head, peeks through the curtains in my best moments

i will learn how to release my inhibitions, no fucking drugs or alcohol necessary

i will learn to lead with the support that others have modeled for me

they have given me a gift that i will not take for granted

i will learn to accept how strongly i love, learn to embrace the power of my expansive, overwhelming emotion

i will learn to turn towards the light, and lead a life that shines as brightly as those spotlights

i will learn to accept - to enter the acceptance stage of grief, take everything i can from this experience and keep moving

the antidote to anxiety being action is a cosmic joke - to spite me and my paralyzing, immobilizing fear

but i will act. i will stay in motion and allow the change to wash over me in waves

this is my faith, my belief - their faith in me does not end with the final curtain call

i use it to spur me on, driving me forward

toward change - toward the new and the terrifying and the awe-inspiring

anything could happen

anything could happen

nothing happens in stagnation

i will not be stagnant

i will be beautifully imperfect in my motion

with uneven strides and shaky muscles

but motion is motion

emotion is to move

i am moved by so many wonders of this great world

the motion is in me, i am moved by great forces that i almost know the nature of

i am moved and i am moving

i am emotion

i am in motion

[my-castles-crumbling]

Happy pride, everyone! Remember to blame even the slightest inconvenience on the homophones this month, it’s your god-given right 🏳️‍🌈

[bartthedwome]

homophones are the worst...

they're the difference between "eight" and "ate" this pride month 😔

[bartthedwome]

HAPPY PRIDE

i was too busy yesterday being flamboyantly queer i did not post

[bartthedwome]

my mental health rn is sponsored by equal parts therapy, the pedro pescal puppy interview, strawberries, bread, empanadas, and fanfiction.

[bartthedwome]

there it is

a strike of lightning from the zeus that is just a helping hand

and i am alive once more

a frankenstein

who dared to reach within

and found myself the creator

[bartthedwome]

who knew letting oxygen into my lungs allowed such blooming words to grow? is it any wonder?

here i am. i am up to my nips in joy and exploration and abundance and life.

i am the city on the hill, for the version of me from much lower points to look on at from all sides and see this shining beacon of hope.

yes. this feels right - like me, truly, that silver thing whose pulsing glow emanates from within me with each heartbeat.

each flowering breath.

yes. this is right. this is enough.

each sigh leaves room for fresh, crisp, air, making its way into my lungs, and crashing like a wave to deliver a hidden gift from the depths of the sea.

a whisper of the wind through the trees, a pulse that travels through roots deep in the soil, the beating of wings from a cresting bird on high, colors alight before my fingers in the darkness.

yes, oh, yes, spring has sprung, summer sun beats down upon my skin, and i laugh in a delirious, feverish haze as i feel the burn.

burns heal. wounds fade. i am enough.

[bartthedwome]

"you're blocking your own love story"

yeah i know can i unblock it now. where's the unblock button.

[bartthedwome]

diva down in the sense of ate down 😝💅

but also diva down in the sense of man down 🫡😔

in the words of high school misogynistic straight boys, "and see we have to grapple with this dichotomy..."

[bartthedwome]

she is a spider

spinning webs in the corners of my mind

growing an intricate net

that begins to weave through everything

clinging to my every thought