aching heart

"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it." ~ Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

[bartthedwome]

pretty pretty boy, you're such a joykiller...

[bartthedwome]

I see you falling

How long to go before you hit the ground?

You keep on screaming

Don't you see me here?

Am I a ghost to you?

Now your grip's too strong

You can't catch love with a net or a gun

Gotta keep faith that your path will change

Gotta keep faith that your luck will change tomorrow

Tomorrow

Why are you phoning?

What am I to do when you're miles away?

You're always calling from the darkest moods

And we're both scared

Now your grip's too strong

You can't catch love with a net or a gun

Gotta keep faith that your path will change

Gotta keep faith that your love will change

Tomorrow

[bartthedwome]

[bartthedwome]

i do not know how

to say

‘should’

in french

i should learn

i shouldn't learn

heureux les simples d'esprit

[bartthedwome]

i watch

projections of a self i could claim

on the stage

their voices wrap in tendrils around my heart

and pull me out of my hiding place within myself

their joyous shouts bring tears of elation to my eyes

the tears weave down my face, the thoughts swirl in my mind

i grieve the me before that didn’t dream of this

now i cannot escape

i know that is me

on the stage

i cannot escape the hope

i cannot escape the fear

backstage

i ask them

(i ask myself)

“am i good enough?”

they say

“i know not, i try still”

these actors

and their shakespeare

how am i to piece together these words

until i claim these projections of myself

and take the stage

[bartthedwome]

lyrics float through my mind

thoughts dart and weave through each word

a threaded needle

that stitches up the broken pieces of my brain

oh, lyrics

oh, song of life

sing the healing

of this broken soul

sing my repentance

for the cycles of hatred that trap me

sing

to cleanse me of the evil in my head

[bartthedwome]

exorcism is the easy way out; wolves fight dirty

i look within myself, i find hate, and i fight to dispell it

tooth and nail, claws bared, fighting dirty

if only to banish this thing within me was to exorcise a demon

in so few words and so little time

an intense and life-altering event, banishing something evil festering in the walls of the house that is my body

but no, no

this devil is not born of a religion of the masses

this devil is born of the peculiarity of one dangerous self

a devil not to be depicted by anything concrete

but an entity that prefers not to be named

you cannot exorcise the demon that you cannot call forth

you cannot damn the unnamed

in this way it is an even greater evil

there is nothing so painful to me as to see the greatest evil as a reflection in the mirror

yes, i am possessed by something otherworldly

but to name this something is a task i do not think i will have the liberty of completing in this lifetime

so to work towards banishment is a lifelong struggle

a tug of war

the two wolves, as they say

my life stretches on

each day waking up to see the damage that this other wolf has inflicted in the darkness of night

to futilely ignore as it sneaks into the shadows, as i invite it into the daytime more and more the farther i lean towards an existence tinged with black

i can fend it off in the light

turn my face to the sun

the burning heat that makes me sweat

droplets that taste just like tears

both wolves are me, after all

and at midnight

the moon is there as a reminder that the sun shines during the day

the stars are light enough

the stars, and a shameful, filthy hope that maybe a little bit of the light is inside me, too

[bartthedwome]

When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,

At my lowest, in the depths of a perceived misfortune, when the pressure is confining and restricting and pulling

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

I am isolated of my own fruition, and tears slip from my eyes, a testament to the pain I feel at the wrongness of being 

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

I look to the sky for answers, I plead, my anguish is heard from afar, the most holy are troubled by the wretched nature of my self-imposed suffering

And look upon myself and curse my fate,

I look to myself and see nothing of the self there, I wish to believe in fate if only to know for sure that I deserve this lack of continuity between the abstract and material

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

I want to desperately to have the resilience to not let the predatory embrace of twilight take me, I wish to make something light of myself

Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,

‘Him’ is a word so trivial I scorn to react at its presence, ears perking up like a dog at the idea…

Desiring this man’s art and that man’s scope,

It is filthy, this desire to have that which I am told is not mine. I know in my heart it is withheld from me as a means of control, who is to say what I claim as mine?

With what I most enjoy contented least;

The emptiness is a sickness, an infection and I am so close to sepsis…I wish to feel the joy I once did, I wish to shed the weight of complexity that comes with change

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,

The addition of ‘almost’ is a defensive reaction; to say that I despise myself is full of shame, to almost be there is to still have hope left. That hope keeps me alive.

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

(Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven’s gate;

You are the lark, and I cling to you, the only measure of hope that I have is a hope that you will save me from myself, from the hatred and fear and envy and despair that has corrupted my mind

       For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings

You bring something invaluable to me, and the loss of it is a grief that makes me doubt my strength in the gravity of its bearing

       That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

I scorn; I feel the guilt swallow me whole that I could look at myself with anything other than love, that I could let this illness overcome me and not fight back; that all I can do is hope that you will be my savior

I scorn that I hope you see my ‘state’ and think of the highest of kings. The title king has a mantle I find myself more and more desirous to bear

[bartthedwome]

envy really is a snake

there’s comedy in being pushed into that role

whispering in the ears of lesser men

and realizing i am the lesser man

i am the snake in my own ear

sharp and poisonous

a pain that shoots through me and constricts around my heart like a boa

envy really is a snake

[bartthedwome]

edits of elijah wood with the subway behind them are the best thing ever i fear

[bartthedwome]

sometimes i see a pretty person and i have to take a lap

i have to stop what i'm doing and take a lap

literally get the pansexual zoomies out

so my brain can continue to function on any operating level

[bartthedwome]

[bartthedwome]

there’s a reason i call this aching heart

i think a lot about the songs that might be getting written about me

i’m so young, but that love felt so ageless, so timeless

and yet such a product of its time?

we were so broken, the whole time, but we were so beautiful

[bartthedwome]

we weren't beautiful

beauty is in the eye of the beholder as they say

and i behold all that we were

so many things

but not

beautiful

not really

[bartthedwome]

i'm reaching endlessly for a cloudy idea of greatness i'll never achieve

cursed forever to only run my fingers through wisps of vapor

[bartthedwome]

hey your body is normal

just so you know

you have a normal human body

you don't have to like it, it doesn't have to feel like yours

you may be chronically ill, or gender non-conforming, or dealing with any other body-related struggle or insecurity

but just so you know

it's still a normal human body 👍

[bartthedwome]

i know i’m not the only one thinking this

but saying “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”

is incredibly scary when you have the same body type as people who are dying of starvation

using your privilege to promote women shrinking their bodies is disgusting when we are normalizing bodies that we see in people who are starving and malnourished

this is my reminder to myself that i am fueling my body so that i can maintain good health and be strong, independent, autonomous, and capable; i am fueling my body because i have access to good quality food, and i am gaining the energy it takes to be an active member of my community and to support others

and i am not changing my body; i will continue to have the energy to be angry, to fight for change, to express my emotions, to take up space, to resist and to challenge conformity; to challenge obedience and docility

this is so much bigger than beauty standards

my existence outside of a norm is a rebellion

i am taking the time to acknowledge where my negative beliefs of self come from, and to acknowledge that they are limiting and not mine

i am taking the time to choose to push back against pressure to fit in or make myself smaller, even though i am compassionate with myself that it is a difficult thing to do

but i am capable, and i can do difficult things

i will continue to fight back

fuck this shit

[bartthedwome]

pulling my creative thoughts out of myself like a diva cup

vulnerable and uncomfortable and messy and strange

but me!

all me

that's my blood

that's my creation