basic chores!

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[basicchores-blog]

how to make clothes less wrinkly

first, locate or purchase a steamer  (tip: if you read basic chores and actually learn things, the $30 compact steamer is definitely for you) steamers are 100 times more fun than ironing and less effort than going to the dry cleaner. 

second, fill steamer up with water and secure the cap. 

for the extremely slow readers: 1. DO NOT FILL PAST THE "do not fill past this line" LINE 2. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STEAM CLOTHES WHILE WEARING THEM

third, plug steamer into wall (this turns it on! also off!)

fourth, hang wrinkly clothes on hangers for steaming.

fifth, steam away! (when it runs outta juice (about 1 very wrinkly shirt), unplug, refill, re-plug)

DONE!

(pro tip: dont leave water in steamer after you are done because it will get gross)

[basicchores-blog]

how to change a lightbulb

first, as per usual, wait a while. maybe it will spontaneously fix itself?

second, unscrew burnt out bulb and take with you to local home despot. buy bulb that seems the same.

third, put new bulb in socket thing. 

fourth, if it happens to not totally fit, begin making comments about how it is probably a fire hazard to paranoid roommate / friend / relative. casually send them the numbers and name of the bulb that you need. 

fifth, wait until roommate / friend /relative orders and replaces bulb for you. 

DONE!

[basicchores-blog]

how to snake a tub or sink

first, determine that your tub or sink may not be draining properly. 

snaking is utterly revolting so it is best to wait as long as humanly possible. and then wait longer.

second, gather the proper tools. cleaning spray stuff is important, snaking is not about cleaning, so dont waste your brain cells on the heavy duty bleach stuff. go for decent at covering smells stuff. also: thick dish gloves and of course, the snake.

oh and a plastic bag for all the hideous gunk that you are about to pull out of the drain.

third, take the cover off the drain (if you have one) with a screwdriver.

fourth, crank the snake down the pipe. keep going until it feels stuck. this can take 5-10 minutes of swearing. 

fifth, crank the snake in the opposite direction to bring it back up.

sixth, use your gloved fingers to pull the horrifying clumps of hair and greasy mud like stuff off the snake. contain gag reflex. spray cleaning spray liberally. note: you will be tempted to wash snake off with faucet but remember a. drain is clogged b. you are washing the cloggy stuff down will only re-clog drain.

  sixth, repeat steps four through six at least 2-3 more times. 

seventh, test by running water. if it doesn't drain immediately and swiftly, repeat steps four through six. 

DONE! 

[basicchores-blog]

how to break an egg

first, hit egg against a hard object. but not so hard that it explodes. and not against things such as the floor, a person or an electronic device. 

second, put broken egg, minus shell into a pan or bowl and do something with it. discard shell. 

if you did not follow step one correctly, clean up egg. paper napkins work but you will also need some cleaning products because eggs are surprisingly gooey yet runny and gross to clean up. also it will smell. 

ex.

DONE!

[basicchores-blog]

How to defrost a freezer, blackout edition

first, wait for a hurricane / storm / determined squirrel to take the power out. 

second, grab dishtowels and stuff them in your dark freezer. optional: do so while listening to your battery powered radio drinking wine like its going out of style. 

third, ignore freezer until power comes back on. 

fourth, remove frozen dishtowels before they become completely frozen to freezer. if you forget, you may have to turn freezer / fridge off for a bit. but not for so long that the towels full of freezer juice completely unfreeze.

fifth, remove frozen dishtowels and dump them where someone else will find them (and have to deal with the soon to be soggy freezer water receptacles), such as the tub with the shower curtain closed. 

DONE!

note: if you don't have a blackout, see: how to defrost your freezer without turning it off

[basicchores-blog]

how to cook a whole trout in a pan

first, introduce yourself and give your whole trouts a quick bath. 

second, chop up some herbs and garlic and combine with olive oil, salt and pepper. 

third, spread this mixture all over the insides.  

fourth, put insides down in a fairly hot pan (not actually sure that this is the right sequence but whatever). a few minutes later, flip carefully. it is done when the meat is easy to flake off the skin and/or when it goes from translucent to white.

note: if your pan is not big enough, take a sharp knife and do some head removal.

fifth, serve and eat. yumm.

DONE! 

optional step six, clean up. 

[basicchores-blog]

how to grow potatoes inside, successfully (Part 2: potting)

Part 2 continues the success of Part 1, aka overcoming the abject failure of attempt #1

seventh, once the roots seem to be getting a bit out of control prepare to pot.

eighth, buy soil and a big pot. lay out all your supplies on some paper.

note: if you have a minder who does not like dirt all over the floor, wait until they are conveniently away. 

ninth, fill pot about half way with dirt. (dirt only: new nerdy plant book says its actually not good to put rocks etc. in bottom of pot)

tenth, take potting candidates from jar. gently separate them out.  

eleventh, place evenly around pot filling in dirt as you go. (this is the messy part.)

twelfth, add last of dirt, gently firm up dirt and make sure plants are steady and firmly upright in their new home.  

thirteenth, water thoroughly. is best to do this in tub, but not with shower unless you want dirt everywhere. leave overnight.

fourteenth, place newly potted, successfully grown, giant sweet potato plant in its rightful place.

DONE.

[basicchores-blog]

how to grow potatoes inside, successfully (Part 1: roots)

attempt #1 ended in complete, abject failure. but here at basic chores we don't let basic chores get the best of us. 

first and second, repeat steps 1 and 2 from attempt #1. but this time with a sweet potato (for variety). 

third, cut off chunks of sweat potato that have sprouted and stick in some water like you would do with flowers. 

fourth, when sufficient roots have grown (and the chunks of sweet potato appear to be sufficiently close to rotting and messing up the whole experiment again), break the chuck of potato off from roots. 

fifth, lovingly place rooted stems in another container for further root growth. throw away the slimy not-yet-totally-stinky sweet potato part. 

sixth, cover roots from light. (no idea if this is necessary / does anything.)

PART 1 is DONE!

[basicchores-blog]

how to make a loud keyboard quiet

first, threaten typer*** and loud keyboard* with forcible ejection out of the nearest window. 

sounds like:

second, when (if?) that proves to be a non-viable solution due to laws/permanent screens, consult internet.

third, locate alternate solution** of "o-rings."  order immediately. 

fourth, when the "o-rings" arrive not a moment too soon, create key puller with two paper clips or whatever bendable wire you might have lying around and pull keys off. 

note: the spacebar, enter key and most longer keys might be connected by extra stuff so unless you really dislike loud typer for reasons beyond loud typing it is not recommended that you try to take those keys off, but you can shove a bunch of o-rings under to slightly dampen the noise

pro-tip: take keys off one row at a time and keep in order. or don't and replace out of order. depends on anger level/whether keyboard has letters on it. 

fifth, add hot pink o-rings to stub thing on bottom of each key.

sixth, replace keys. enjoy reduction in most annoying noise on planet.

DONE. 

*the offending keyboard is a das keyboard one of the loudest most annoying keyboards currently available for purchase in the galaxy. link to sounds-like reference above: http://youtu.be/hJBZPBLNwT8 via awesome post in middle of discussion here: http://forums.beyond.ca/showthread/t-297851.html

**life saving solution sources

how to video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79rWQ-CU9Lw&feature=related

o-rings with picture: http://geekhack.org/showthread.php?6032-Unicomp-Spacesaver-bottoming-out

 o-ring source: http://geekhack.org/showthread.php?20857-O-Ring-Rubber-Switch-Dampeners-now-available

***special belated valentines day shoutout to most annoying deskmate ever, without whom this post would not exist. deskmate avoided harm due to laws, permanent screens and general value as a significant other.  

[basicchores-blog]

how to grow paperwhites (aka how to force paperwhite bulbs)

forcing bulbs to give you flowers in Jan/Feb is a fun way to mess with nature. 

first, purchase the necessary items (bulbs, dirt or stones, a bowl) or receive a kit as a gift from some lovely house guests. 

remember: these are NOT for eating. don't forget to remind special helper of this. 

second, ignore directions. combine dirt with water and bulbs, preferably in tub or sink. (technically the water is supposed to be added after dirt and bulbs, but only if you're dirt adverse.)

third, make sure at least a third or more of the bulb is above soil and that soil is damp throughout. if using rocks instead of soil, bulbs should be less than one fourth below rocks and water should be just about level with rocks but not much higher or else you risk rot.

pro-tip: if you add too much water carefully tip container to drain off excess.

fourth, put by window and tell bulbs that you have high expectations for them. 

fifth, wait patiently for about a week or two. make sure the soil stays moist but not soggy. (rocks are easier because its just about keeping water at right level)  

sixth, enjoy the smellyness

DONE!

[basicchores-blog]

how to hide trash in plain sight (because your trash can may or may not be full)

first, take discarded cabbage leaves and put assorted stuff that should be in the trash on top of them.

second, cover with other discarded cabbage leaves. 

DONE!

for help determining when and how to take the trash out see: How to Take the Trash Out PART I  and PART II from way back in 2010. 

[basicchores-blog]

how to make oatmeal in a rice cooker

first, break out some old school oatmeal (the kind you can't microwave), a measuring cup and the rice cooker.

second, read the directions on the can and follow them except for the parts about using a stove/paying attention to the time etc. just use the right ratio of oatmeal to water.

third, hit the start button/switch thing on the rice cooker. 

  fourth, unless a giant oatmeal goo mess on the cooker and counter is desired, take the cover off the rice cooker once it starts to boil. 

fifth, wait for the cooker to tell you its done (google 'fuzzy logic rice cooker' if you get bored). if it looks like its getting over done you can pop it early. 

sixth, eat the mushy masterpiece. 

DONE!

[basicchores-blog]

how to grow potatoes inside

first, purchase some potatoes. mini-ones are easiest to carry home and to plant later. carelessly put them in a dark cool-ish cupboard. wait however long it take for them to start sprouting.

  second, wait some more for good measure. when the sprouts are about hand high, they are ready to be planted.

third, get a jar and put some rocks up to almost the rim and add water to almost the top. put a couple 'taters on top. 

fourth, put jar someplace sorta near light.

NOTE: if you live with another human being or really nosey animals it is HIGHLY recommended to hide jar.

fifth, wait patiently (and add water when it gets low).

sixth, encourage growth by telling potatoes stories about paul bunion. 

seventh, receive email from grandmother laughing/mocking at urban farming efforts. go to check on potatoes to confirm that they are not a laughing matter. 

eighth, try really hard to not barf when you dump the surprisingly putrid mess in the sink. (if you have a sensitive gag reflex its probably best to go straight to outdoor trash.)

DONE!

[basicchores-blog]

how to change a front door lock (post holiday edition)

NOTE: this qualifies as post holiday because its a good way to ensure that pesky relatives don't return and that you don't get robbed after santa sells your information & key on the black market (how else do you think he pays for all those presents?)

first, remove the old lock by unscrewing and removing all visible screws and lock parts. there should be only a hole left. 

PRO TIP: take careful note of how the parts fit together. this will make new lock install a lot less confusing.

second, take new lock out of box. keep the new and old parts separate. (don't throw anything away.)

NOTE: multilock locks are expensive but worth it for the fancy square key technology that never gets stuck. 

third, recall how the ring thingy fit over the actual key hole thing (aka the cylinder) on the old lock. slide the new ring thingy onto the the cylinder body. this should make it so that you can fit it in through the front of the door and it will sit mostly flush with the door. 

fourth, holding cylinder in place, switch to the inside view of the door and grab the two smaller screws and the little plate (already installed in pic below) that will keep cylinder from falling out of the hole. 

PRO TIP: if you don't have a snazzy assistant to help hold the cylinder in place while you screw the little plate on, you can use duct tape on the front of the door. although be careful that it isn't the kind that will rip the paint off...

fifth, once the lock cylinder is secured, find the old inside cover part (the one with the knob and deadbolt). hold the weird little tab that opens up the hole in the center and slide that hole over the stick thing. 

sixth, post obligatory lewd joke, find the four longer screws that go with the cover. screw them in. 

seventh, if you live in a sketchy or formerly sketchy area, find the front door cover plate and figure out how to screw/hammer those screws in. don't forget to secure the screws with the nuts that keep screws in place on the inside of the door. 

eighth, collect all the random tiny knoby parts, balls, screws that are left over. dump them in the toolbox. dont ask why, just do it. 

ninth, throw away the old keys and lock the door.  (take that santa!) 

DONE!

[basicchores-blog]

how to change change clock batteries

first, discover that the clock might need its batteries changed.

second, flip it over, open the battery case and attempt to remove battery.

third, employ random stick items to get battery out. 

fourth, test random batteries (why wouldn't one that expired in 2009 work??). repeat stick/fork/knife method to remove ones from 2009 that don't work.

fifth, once a functional battery is found, adjust time to correct time.

NOTE: if you're always late set clock 5-10 minutes fast. it works surprisingly well when you're only half awake in the am. 

DONE!

[basicchores-blog]

how to deal with a mouse that is obnoxious and sneaky

first, discover that a mouse has gained entry to the under the sink cabinet.

second, realize that mouse has been using under the sink cabinet as its own personal POOP PALACE.

third, clean out nastiness. the under the sink cabinet is NOT a bathroom.

fourth, stuff all possible holes with steel wool.

DONE.

[basicchores-blog]

how to survive the holidays (holiday edition)

first, procure some wine and a very classy goblet. or a mug. or just any container of booze.

NOTE: if you are younger than 21, sorry, you're just gonna have to suffer. haha.

second, pour booze into classy goblet. lacking a goblet or mug, pour directly in mouth. but try to keep it classy. its the goddam holidays after all!

third, drink it you classy person! you've earned it! (if you poured directly into mouth, swallow.)

fourth, repeat!

DONE! Have a classy holiday!

Special thanks to em, the very classy picture source.