𝕖𝕩𝕙𝕒𝕝𝕖.

[brenstyme]

brentyme uploaded a new story.

ft. @basmndsa , + feta.

[basmndsa]

maia.

The last person Maia expected to see was Sebastian, she doesn’t dislike him as much as she used to. She nods back at him taking out one of her airpods, subtly letting him know she would be open to conversation if he wanted but now that open.

notices her name out an airpod  ,  letting out a soft scoff at the sight  ,  eyes drifting back down to his text book.  “  hello  ,  maia.  ”  didn’t know or care what her current opinion of him was  ,  but could only assume it was positive.  “  are you ready for finals ?  ”

[basmndsa]

bren.

“ yeah , baby. ” he says softly , and he would tell bas over and over how selfless he was. what kid just decides that they’re going to help raise their siblings ?? give up their own childhood to make sure that their younger siblings have one , that they all stay together. bas was mean , rude at times , and it just made bren like him more. was it a kink ?? maybe. but he knew that there was always so much more to bas and bren was finally seeing that , seeing what he had known was under his mask. bren wants to do everything for sebastian , for his family. wants to give them everything they deserve. “ safe. ” he repeats , would say it over and over until bas believes him. “ so safe. ” he says softly. “ i can be myself with you. i can be goofy and weird and i can talk to you for hours about something small and stupid. you make it so easy to feel so safe. ” bren confesses. “ i know , bas. it’s okay , babe. ” he can’t help the pet names , will call him them until he’s told not to. bren lets bas pull him closer , a small smile on his face. he puts his hands on bas’ chest. “ i can get you an inhaler , baby. ” he jokes , his smile getting bigger. he moves his hands from sebastian’s chest to his face , cupping his cheeks in his hands. “ sebastian mendosa. ” his voice is soft.  “ i would never give up on you. ever. ” his eyes are soft , full of love and bright. “ when have you not been a good person sebastian ?? when you were 15 raising your baby brother ?? when you were taking care of your siblings so you’d all be together ?? i want to know what makes you such a bad person because i don’t see it. i just see a man who loves his siblings , who’s been selfless his whole life. someone who has always put himself last. someone who deserves to have good , amazing , beautiful things “

pet name wouldn’t have made bas feel any kind of way coming from anyone else. had heard the tease bas baby or vice versa from multiple people but it felt different coming from bren’s lips. wanted to hear it over and over again. grew up being the safety blanket for his siblings  &  if he were to ever imagine himself with a partner  ,  he would want them to feel safe. he would want to be able to make them feel safe and loved and he’s so worried that he can’t make bren feel those ways. that his own issues will stop him from making bren feel loved like he deserved. not only did he think he didn’t deserve love  ,  now he could only think about letting bren down. not being enough. not giving him enough. nothing bas thought was positive. but bren’s voice and his words were enough to pull him in. to keep him focused. hands on his face brought him right back to where bren wanted him. where he should let himself be. “ you make it easy to feel..... anything. everything. you never expected anything out of me. not feelings. not emotions. nothing. and you got   ––––  everything. god.  ” that’s what was so scary about it. so many people wanted to change bas , to make him different , to get the exception. not bren. and look what happened. eyes are locked with bren’s , heart racing. “  i  –––  ” falls speechless. doesn’t know how to counter that.  “  i’ve hurt a lot of people. broken a lot of hearts. disappointed a lot of people. said a lot of really mean things and never cared for a second. i know that i  –––  i did it , i’m like this for them but i  –––  it’s not like i feel bad. shouldn’t i  ?  shouldn’t i want to be nice  , kind  ?  shouldn’t i want to be a good person  ?  i don’t know.  ”  sighs softly.  “  you’re a good , amazing , beautful thing that i don’t deserve. can’t convince me that i do.  ”  but he was still here. not pulling away. wouldn’t dare.

[basmndsa]

𝐬𝐦𝐬 * / 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠. ––– indi.

INDI: i just...

INDI: aha, never thought we'd be having an actual deep conversation... let alone one about FEELINGS? who the fuck are we?

INDI: honestly... yeah, i'd wait for him.

INDI: i am waiting for him.

INDI: idk if that makes me a total fucking idiot or if... like... this is what it feels like to actually care about someone?

INDI: like, at the end of the day, if he decided he was happier without me... i'd say goodbye in a heartbeat. if that made him happiest.

INDI: don't fucking ever repeat that.

INDI: thank you.

INDI: seriously... thank you.

INDI: i've felt like i can't talk to anyone about this. i'd... usually turn to cass but. yeah.

BAS: don't ruin the moment but reminding me

BAS: no. i don't think it makes you an idiot. caring about someone is fucking scary lmao

BAS: i would just give him his time that he needs but make sure he knows you're not giving up on him.

BAS: you're welcome.

BAS: yeah... i can see why that wouldn't be the best.

BAS: know i don't see like the one you can talk to about this shit but ares means a lot to me and i...... i get it.

BAS: and i'm not gonna repeat any of this shit. it's between us.

[basmndsa]

mason.

❛   bassy boy !   ❜   yeah,   he was probably going to absolutely kill him.   ❛   tell me,   if you were stuck on a desert island with me…   ❜   he remains very intent on getting a positive answer,   mind you.   ❛   would you kill me for food if you had to ?   or simply starve to death with me like lovers.   ❜

@basmndsa.

eyes roll  ,  though he holds back a bit of a laugh.  one day  ,  he really was going to lose his mind on mason.  “  i wouldn’t kill you for food. i don’t think i would become a cannibal. i’d just die.  ”  voice is plain  ,  as uninterested as ever.  “  but that said  ,  i would definitely kill you. not for food. just because. you really think i’m gonna spend my last days alive with you talking my head off and holding my hand  ?  absolutely not.  ”

[basmndsa]

bren.

bren was used to getting nothing , expecting everything. but he didn’t expect a lot of bas , and he didn’t mean that in a rude way. he just knows bas. knows what he’s going to do when he feels. bren wants nothing more than to take bas and shake him , tell him they could be in love because bren’s never been so sure of being with someone before. “ you’ve been selfless for so long , bas. ” he won’t beg for bas to let himself feel , knows he needs to give that time but he will tell bas what he deserves. “ you deserve to have someone. you’re so special , bas. you’re so special to me. ” it was true , bren would never lie about that. he listens to bas , holding his tongue so he doesn’t talk over him. he wants to tell him that he’s nothing , that sebastian is everything. but that’s another fight for another time. “ you think i’m going to let you run , sebastian ?? ” he asks , his hand reaching out for sebastian. “ i don’t fight for anyone or anything and i’m standing here telling you i’m going to fight to keep you in my life. i need you in my life , you make me feel so much. you make me feel safe and i’m not going to let this – whatever this is or whatever we become , end. i’m never going to give up on you , bas. i said i wouldn’t and i’m sticking to that promise. ” he’s squeezing seb’s hand as tightly as he can , not letting go.  

“  selfless.  ”  repeats the word  ,  knows that bren’s right.  never did anything for himself before. never cared about what he felt. that’s why it was so easy to hate people. didn’t have to try. it didn’t bother him to hate people. it was the easiest thing to feel. it was the easiest emotion to access. everything else was just locked away. tight. didn’t want to have to tell ares that he was right after all  ,  but standing here looking at bren he knew that his friend had been right.  but knows that it’s going to take time. knows that he’s going to do this over  &  over until he finally lets himself enjoy this. just hopes that bren never gives up on him. would have given up on himself by now. can feel something building in his chest. sadness  ,  something.  something he’s never really felt in a feeling like this before. it was rough  ,  breathing getting heavier as the feeling sinks in. grips hard at bren’s hand  ,  nodding his head.  “  safe.  ”  repeats the word because bas feels that too.  like it’s okay for him to feel. like it’s okay for him to be a real person. pulls bren closer , body nearly collapsing against his chest.  “  i’m sorry. i didn’t  ––  i’m sorry. i just freaked out. i never let people in like this. no ones ever made me feel like this. you literally make it hard to breath.  ”  tries to keep his voice from cracking.  “  just don’t give up on me. please.  ”  knows he’s told him before  ,  but not in person.  “  you make me feel safe  ,  too. and normal and  –––  less broken. and i just don’t feel like i deserve those things. i’ve never been a good person. why would i deserve you  ?  ”

[basmndsa]

𝐬𝐦𝐬 * / 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠. ––– indi.

INDI: you've got a good soul, sebastian.

INDI: he wants me ... but he isn't ... ready? if that makes sense? there's a lot on his plate right now, especially with finishing school & the girls. that's what he needs to focus on & ... not ... my added bullshit.

INDI: honestly, i don't even know?

INDI: i can be a lot to handle. for anyone. like, i'm not an easy person to let into your life. i come with... baggage. & shit.

INDI: just want him to be happy, i guess. whatever that means for him.

INDI: jesus fucking christ.

INDI: never thought i would be having this conversation with YOU of all people.

BAS : yeah , well. my souls been through some shit.

BAS : it makes sense. might make more sense to me than you realize , too. i don't think it's about you adding bullshit. it's just a lot and he probably thinks he'll just fuck up.

BAS : so are you willing to wait for him to be ready?

BAS : oh , wow , really ? i had no idea indigo , really.

BAS : well , just take it for what it is. think you needed to have this conversation with someone and it might as well be me.

[basmndsa]

𝐬𝐦𝐬 * / 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠. ––– indi.

INDI: listen... it's nice that you even give a shit & i'll leave it at that. sound good?

INDI: ... assume? we're that fucking obvious?

INDI: i am fucking tired, bas. i'm so tired.

INDI: but... he isn't in the same place or whatever that i am. so, i'm just... stuck in this limbo.

INDI: i'm not his girlfriend so i can't act like one.

INDI: but i'm also... not... his friend?

INDI: i don't fucking know. i need a fucking blunt.

BAS : sounds good. don't know why i even give a shit.

BAS : yeah lmao

BAS : seems pretty exhausting , ind.

BAS : so what place is he in if its not the same place as you ?

BAS : what the fuck goes on when you two try to talk about it? like what the hell is the issue

[basmndsa]

𝐬𝐦𝐬 * / 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠. ––– indi.

INDI: i'm sorry, but who are you & what did you do with bas?

INDI: things are just ... weird between us. they've been weird the last few weeks. & this ... added another layer to the weird?

INDI: idk what all you know.

INDI: but it's probably more than i fucking do.

BAS : shut the fuck up.

BAS : he told me some stuff. i can assume some stuff.

BAS : what i do know is that the both of you are just consistently running circles around each other. how do you not get tired ???

[basmndsa]

maia.

The school year is almost over, thank god. Finally, no more staying up till 4 am trying to research the perfect answer for a history class that probably doesn’t even matter. Maia was studying peacefully for midterms while listening to music when someone sat in the chair in front of her.

just a few more exams and sebastian could finally breathe. needs some time to himself an decides that he might as well try to cram in some more information before finally deciding that it is what it is. needs somewhere to sit and as much as he doesn’t want to be near any lex squad members , decided the seat across from maia is the most harmless. sits down and doesn’t speak , simply nods at her before opening his text book.

[basmndsa]

bren.

he didn’t want to push bas , scare him more. more of an explanation would be nice , but bren didn’t need it , not if bas was going to freak out more. texted bas because he knew , in his gut that bas was going to ignore him. needed bas to know everything he was feeling was okay. he follows bas silently to his room , standing in the room with his hands in his pockets. “ bas you need to trus that i’m a big boy. ” he says with a grin , trying to make a joke. “ why don’t you just let yourself have this , bas ?? let yourself feel something. i promise it’s not as scary as you think it is , baby. ” the pet name slips out before he can even think about it. “ no one’s going to ruin me , bas. ”

bren making jokes didn’t exactly help sebastian feel better. how was he so okay with everything  ?  or rather with nothing. just being friends. god  ,  bas couldn’t do it. knew that he couldn’t. but he couldn’t be something either. so what did he want  ?  he didn’t know. wishes this was easy. wished he could just love brennan like someone normal. that was enough to tell bas that he should let himself have this. just give it a chance. give himself a chance to love and be loved.  “  i can’t. i’ve never let myself have anything. why would i let myself have this  ?  have you. something so pure  &  –––  ”  could say so many good things about bren.  “  bright. like a light in a dark room.  ”  voice is so soft. barley audible.  “  no. it is. this is the scariest fucking thing i’ve ever done and i raised a child.  ”  it was true.  “  i am. it’s all i know how to do. anyones that’s ever loved me just got hurt. it’s the only fucking thing i’m good at and for once  ,  i care. i don’t want to hurt you. i don’t want to lose this. but i feel like i need to lose it before it gets worse. before it hurts worse.  ”

[basmndsa]

bren.

“ you don’t have to explain. you already told me… ” he’s ready to give up , like he did with everyone. with cruz , with sofia with roman. he wasn’t a fighter by nature , he didn’t like having to fight for anyone. but god , he would fight for bas. even if he had to fight bas for bas , he’d do anything for him. to have him. “ i know you’re scared , bas. but this doesn’t have to be so scary , you know ?? ” he would wait for him , would never leave him or give up on bas even if at the end of this he just wanted to be friends. “ i haven’t felt this strongly for someone so quickly before. that’s so scary , bas. it’s okay to be scared. ”

“  i do have to explain myself. i owe you that  ,  at least.  ”  ignored him all weekend. would’ve kept going  ,  too. if bren hadn’t texted him. walks slowly to his room  ,  shutting the door behind him them.  “  that’s the thing. i’ve never  –––  i’ve never felt like this ever.  ”  not once. not for anyone.  “  and i don’t know what to do. it just makes me want to run. to ignore you. to never feel it again. i don’t know why. i’m just so fucking scared of letting myself feel like this.  ”  words are just pouring out. can’t really help it at this point. bren deserved the truth  ,  didn’t he  ?  hand runs through his hair  ,  taking a deep sharp breath.  “  i can’t feel like this. all i’m going to do is ruin you.  ”

[basmndsa]

ares.

not sure what he expected, should’ve taken the advice he’d been given so many times over. alcohol and his phone just didn’t mix especially not when he was in such a state, not when his entire day was replaying in a mess in his mind. the alcohol had numbed most of the pain luckily, the aching of his ribs and cheeks, the marks however still there. it had slowly dissipated and almost almost numbed the sharp aching pain he’d felt in his heart as he walked away from the shell of a home he’d gone to. his only regret was not getting them out of there too. couldn’t linger or he’d fall apart. he did what he knew best, even if he knew the shame would consume him later. now everyone would know, panicked when bas had.. almost exposed him for what he truly was. he couldn’t say the word. the sound of the waves crashing around him was almost euphoric as if with each one they cleared his mind of the pent up anger and stress he was feeling, his whole body just needed to relax and he’d almost gotten there as he felt the familiar presence creep up beside him. can’t even allow his eyes to meet his, not when everything was such a hazy mess anyways. ❝ how disappointed are.. you in me? ❞ tried to make sure each word was coherent, didn’t want him to know how much he’d had. with that he slid his phone into his hand knowing a fight was useless. ❝ why’d you come bas. we know you have more important shit to be doing..❞ knew it was time to let go of the bottle too, it wasn’t going to be long before he’d grabbed that too, holding it out for him ares relinquished his medicine of choice. ❝  i..f ucked up tonight.. ❞ the words were a whisper but he knew he’d understand. 

wouldn’t be fair of anyone to say that sebastian didn’t care about anyone. since starting at lex  ,  a few people have stuck their way into the small heart that he possessed. ares  ,  coming from such a similar background  ,  was one of the biggest reason bas was starting to realize it was okay to feel. for the longest time he just thought he couldn’t but slowly realized that he wasn’t letting himself. spent enough time with ares to start to allow himself  &  his first amount of care definitely went back to ares. would do anything for him. knew that this care was different from the care he felt for bren , so it didn’t scare him as much. but it was still a lot. it was a lot to let someone into his life to closely  ,  but they were special to each other and that was just a fact. wasn’t something that bas could really deny at this point. doesn’t think ares would let him.  “  disappointed  ?  you think i’m out here judging you  ,  ares  ?  i’m not. look at you. i’m not surprised you have that bottle i your hand.  ”  sits down with ares  ,  taking both the bottle and his phone from him and securing them out of his reach.  “  shut up. i’m here because i want to be. it’s not pity or disappointment. you’re my fucking friend so save it.  ”  voice isn’t harsh  ,  but serious.  “  yeah. you did. and tomorrow when you’re sober  ,  you’ll fix it.  tonight  ?  i’ve got you. okay  ?  ”

[basmndsa]

bren.

bren was scared , nervous. he didn’t want to lose bas but he couldn’t help but to think that he was going to leave sebastian’s house friendless. they didn’t have to be anything more , bren just couldn’t take another loss. “ hey. it’s okay. ” and it was , someone could stomp on bren’s heart and he would say it was okay. but that’s almost what bas was going to do , wasn’t it ??  he wasn’t sure if he was able to come in or what , for the first time awkward and unsure with sebastian. “ do you want to talk out here or …. ”

“  it’s not okay. i shouldn’t have  –––  ”  shakes his head  ,  not even sure what he shouldn’t have done.  “  no. lets go instead. the kids are asleep.  ”  doesn’t want to just stand here with him awkwardly like it was a break up he didn’t want to do over text. it wasn’t that. he didn’t know what it was. texting ares had helped him clear his head  ,  but he was still confused. still had a million things running through his head.  “  i don’t want to lose you.  ”  remembers telling bren not to give up on him. hopes that he stays true to that.  “  but i’m so scared.  ”

[basmndsa]

𝐬𝐦𝐬 * / 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠. ––– ares.

ARES: yeah i remember

ARES: oh..?

ARES: and why shouldn't you have bas?

ARES: did you want it to happen...?

ARES: how is he taking that..?

ARES: can't do what? what is it your freaking out about... caring...?

ARES: because you liked it or..?

BAS: you know what i shouldn't have.

BAS: he said he can't lose me. i told him to come over but i don't know what's going to happen

BAS: yes. caring. wanting. everything. he's so... god. he's so perfect. and i'm not. i'm a fucking mess.

BAS: because it felt different. everything about him is different. and i'm just going to ruin him.

[basmndsa]

isn’t exactly in the mood to be social  ,  but needs to eat something before class so he’s here at smithies. realizes he’s in line next to cove checking out at the same time  &  almost considers saying hi until he impulsively decides to drop some cash on the counter to pay for her food.  “  never repaid you for the sandwich.  ”  speaks nonchalantly  ,  continuing to pay for his own food without another word.  @covewalker​

[basmndsa]

bas didn’t like a lot of people. that was just a fact. didn’t want to be around people but if he wanted to study for finals  ,  he couldn’t do it at home. eyes scan the library  ,  groaning at the fact that it was busy. had to sit near someone and was considering just leaving it until he saw tara. didn’t actually mind her  &  could stand being in her presence to study. makes his way over to the table she’s at  ,  setting his bag down.  “  hey. can i join  ?  this place is fucking packed.  ”  @tarachcpmcn​