my last day as a teenager
in less than 20 minutes my teens are over.
it’s a weird thought that a whole decade of my life has passed and so much has changed. i find it strange that in 20 minutes i am no longer a teenager and will be a fully fledged adult.
realistically i know nothing changes - i wont develop 5 sets of wrinkles and back pain overnight. it’s just the psychological thought that i am no longer a child.
i feel i wasted many of my teen years trapped in my head. dealing with depression, anxiety, self harm, an eating disorder all related to undiagnosed autism.
how different would my life be if i had had correct support? or if covid hadn’t hit at such a crucial part of my teen years?
well i can’t go back and change that now.
i mean at least i am now in a happy relationship, have a job and go to uni - but again i have this creeping thought that so much of my life is still yet to change. in the next 10 years when i enter my 30s i could be married, have children, buy my first home and get my dream job. but how much of that is realistic?
i mean right now i feel terrified that i will be a actual adult - which is strange considering half the people i work with are more immature than i was as a 14 year old. so again nothing will change. it’s just the anxiety of a new clean slate of my life where god knows what will happen.
i just hope the next 10 years of my life bring me some happiness and love; sadness and heartbreak - everything good and everything bad. i just want to feel. i want to be happy.
it comes to me now that i have also wasted the last 10 minutes of my teen years writing this. ah well.
happy 20th birthday to me. i have learned mostly over the last 10 years that the only person you can fully love and fully trust is yourself - and never let yourself down, you are your strongest soldier.
if i could go back in time and tell my 10 year old self what to change - i dont think i would change anything; even the most traumatic parts. these things made me who i am today, i wouldnt have the people i do in my life if it wasn’t for them and i definitely would be a lot more selfish and self centered.
anyway - i dedicate the next 10 years of my life to maturity, to love and to loss - and to most of all - myself. i promise to love myself this decade no matter what; i promise to know my worth and never to take less than i deserve.
jacobvanloon
