BDSM Education

This blog is for all things relating to bdsm. I'm here to educate, bust myths, give ideas, and give advice. I'm in no way an expert but I do my best.

[grey-is-my-favourite-colour]

I’m probably late to the party with this one but for those people who want to watch/have watched the (a)sexual documentary and need to see a more comfortable portrayal of asexuality, this is definitely the documentary to watch (although it does have a lot of sexual images in it that may be uncomfortable for averse or repulsed people to watch).

[protest-resources]

50 Shades of Abuse Flyer - Canada

Use, redistribute, print. 

Click image and magnify for large version.

[mouthhooks-blog-deactivated2016]

Okay. I understood all the flack Twilight got for being an abusive relationship. Because it was and it was being read by a very young and impressionable audience. But ffs, 50 Shades is an ADULT NOVEL. Iit is about a BDSM couple. Which - newsflash - do exist. It is a completely consensual form of dominate/submissive sex play. The whole concept of domestic violence and abuse is that one side exerts control over an unwilling victim. I don’t recall Anastasia, or whatever she’s called, protesting to Christian’s form of sex. If I remember correctly, she quite enjoyed it! So before you condemn a work of romanticizedfiction, actually consider it’s audience and remember that they are mature and capable enough to know the difference between reality and fiction.

[photophorez-blog]

so i guess you didn’t read the parts where he coerces her and the part where he continues after she has used her safeword and acts like a fucking creep whenever they aren’t having sex

it is the worst possible introduction to BDSM i could imagine

i know my shit okay

[wormgirlfriend-inactive-deactiv]

im hoping the people defending this book are 1. never getting into BDSM 2. not currently into BDSM 3. havent read the book bc i dont want to believe anyone is that fucking stupid

[bonerack-blog]

Let me

just

fucking

drop

some fucking

knowledge on you right now.

Wanna know the BDSM mantra? Safe, sane, consensual.

So let me explain why this book was devoid of all three of these things.

Safe - In the first few chapters of the novel, Christian Grey tracks Ana’s cell phone to find her at a club. Takes her home when she’s drunk, changes her when she’s so intoxicated she doesn’t remember him doing so,and informs her he will be keeping tabs on her for her own benefit. This is not the behaviour of a respectable Dominant. This is the behaviour of a power hungry, abusive asshole who really can’t take no for an answer.

Sane - One of the most important parts of BDSM is aftercare. Scenes can be extremely traumatizing and intense for the submissive. Aftercare is anything from petting to cuddling to holding to sweet talking, whatever degree of gentleness a bottom would need to pull them out of “subspace”. How does Christian provide aftercare? He submits Ana to a traumatizing first time spanking experience AND THEN FUCKING LEAVES. AND GETS MAD THAT SHE DIDN’T TELL HIM SHE WAS UPSET. He’s the one who should fucking know better! That, again, is not the act of a responsible Dominant. It’s the act of a selfish abuser.

Consensual - Did I mention he undressed her when she was belligerently drunk? Tracked her phone to locate her? He also buys her a new car despite her saying no countless times. Now, consent is important for any kind of sexual activity at all. Consent means informed, consent means enthusiastic. Informed, enthusiastic consent. This is crucial in a BDSM setting. Scenes can be extremely intense, especially for the bottom. What is Christian’s form of obtaining consent? Handing Ana a fucking contract highlighting all the things he wants to do her asshole and asking her to sign it. She was a virgin (Don’t even get me fucking started.) who had never before been exposed to BDSM. Entering in that kind of relationship takes a gargantuan amount of trust and knowledge so you know exactly what you’re getting into. Not reading a list of kinks on a piece of paper and signing your rights to say no away. Christian didn’t offer her resources, he didn’t offer her information. He gave her an ultimatum. That is not the sort of consent a responsible Dom/me would seek from their submissive.

Fuck. This. book. It’s written in a shitty way, it’s a terrible example of a BDSM relationship (ask anybody already involved in the lifestyle and watch them go blue in the face just thinking about it), which is already faced with enough prejudice and misunderstand, and it romanticizes and glorifies abuse.

[lil-miss-choc-deactivated201812]

And this post is going into my bookmarks, because it is beautiful.

[peppermintchiaki-deactivated201]

HEY LOOK EVERYTHING I HATE ABOUT 50 SHADES SERIES IN ONE

[actuallyclintbarton]

ooo, someone actually broke down the Safe Sane Consensual thing and how 50 Shades DOESN’T EVEN TOUCH IT WITH A 10 FOOT POLE.

def reblogging.

[gligarr]

I got so tired of explaining why what I liked was different from this piece of shit. Thank you.

[its-my-sub-journey]

6 Things I Wish I Would Have Known When I Was a Baby Sub

I’m going to preface this post with the disclaimer that I have not been active in the D/s lifestyle for very long. I’ve only been actively involved for about 3 years. However, throughout those 3 years, I have learned SO much. I feel like it’s only right that I should impart a little bit of knowledge that I wish I would have know when I was just starting out. 

As I’ve said in previous posts, I write strictly from my own point of view and experience. I’m always open for respectful discussion and debate about anything about which I venture an opinion.

So without further ado….

1. Abusive behavior can masquerade as Dominance.

I have heard many, many stories of submissive women who have ended up in abusive relationships. Many so-called “Doms” use D/s, or rather the appearance of it, to manipulate and abuse their partners. It took me YEARS to leave my abusive partner. I was young and naive and I mistook domineering for dominant. Controlling for being in control. It is very easy to make these mistakes. If you find yourself making excuses for your partner or rationalizing behavior that has made you feel anything less the respected and valued, it’s time to rethink your situation.

Always remember - SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL. If any one of these conditions is not being met, RUN, don’t walk away. 

2. It’s not all about sex.

I will be very honest and say when I first started, I had been so sheltered, I though D/s was a bedroom only kind of thing. I didn’t know anything about it beyond the kinky sex. 

D/s is about a power exchange. One partner willingly submitting to another who agrees to take on the responsibilities of guidance and protection. The sex is just and outward manifestation of a relationship built on trust and respect. 

In theory, you can have D/s relationship that is entirely asexual. I personally couldn’t do that, but I believe there are couples out there who engage in relationships of that sort.

3. Building trust takes time. 

I can just see a bunch of you rolling your eyes and saying, “Well, duh! That’s a no-brainer.” So let me qualify a bit. When I, and many others, first started, I wanted to do as much as I could as quickly as I could. I believe the phenomenon is known as “sub frenzy.” 

You get a little taste of what you’ve been searching for, sometimes without even knowing you were searching for it, and you want more and more and more and you don’t want to wait for it. You’re so eager to experience the fulfillment you’ve desired that you lose sight of what is safe and sane. You can put yourself in situations that are downright dangerous. 

As difficult as it is. Wait. Take the time to build trust with your Dom. Trust Him to know when and how far to push you. 

4. You can not have a D/s relationship that is devoid of emotion.

I think there are some who may disagree with me on this, however in my opinion and my experience, I believe it to be the absolute truth. 

In a power exchange, as a submissive in a power exchange relationship, you are opening yourself, not just physically, but also mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually. You’re going to push limits. You’re going to explore boundaries. You can’t do that without having a tremendous amount of trust and building a deep and lasting bond. 

5. D/s doesn’t always have to be serious.

While there is always a serious aspect to a D/s relationship, it doesn’t have to be all the time. It’s ok to want to laugh with your Dom. It’s ok to have a sense of humor when things don’t go quite right. 

For me, I have found that laughter is one of the best forms of aftercare. Laughter can be just as cathartic as crying. 

Being able to have fun within you power exchange, in whatever way works for you, is a wonderful expression of the trust and respect you have for one another.

6. COMMUNICATION IS KEY

I saved the best, and most important, for last. This is another one of those no-brainer items, but I cannot overemphasize this. 

You should ALWAYS have the ability to talk openly about your feelings, your anxieties, your hope, your desires, and anything else you feel is important. If you don’t feel safe asking questions, or expressing concerns. Or if those questions and concerns are dismissed and ignored. GET OUT!

[spoiled-lil-kitten]

You take his boots off every day?

Oh goodness… see this is why I shouldn’t leave Tumblr for a long span. I’m certain this was in reference to something but can’t for the life of me remember what… 🤔

Anyway, to answer your question: Yes. Each day when @1sadisticlover gets home, I loosen the laces on each of his boots and kneel before him.

This gets me in the right mindset to serve.

On the days when I get home after him, I’m often frazzled and waspish until he has me kneel. But when we have our uninterrupted ritual of his boots being removed, things go beautifully.

This small act reminds me of His importance and calms my mind. It makes me feel safe and useful. His hand stroking my hair as I unlace them reminds me that I’m cherished.

I’m interested though, and embarrassed that I’ve never asked, what the moment means for you, Sir. If you’d like, would you tell your side of this part of our routine?

Thank you for asking, anon 💞

[the-faculty]

This may be a simple question, but can you explain how D/s relationship isn't just about sex?

Happily Anon. 

As a Daddy Dom, the focus of any relationship that I’ve had is the care of my submissive. When I meet someone I am considering entering a dynamic with, I assault them with a million questions designed to reveal to me what kind of care they will need. If they have mental, physical, or emotional challenges, it’s my job to learn about them, and to create strategies to help them manage them. I ask them about their dreams and goals, so I can come up with ways to help them achieve them. I observe what things cause them stress in their day to day, and think about the things I can do to help sweep those worries away. The true power of a Dominant is in using the power they are given by their submissive to make their lives better, and help them realize their potential. 

Sex, for me, is merely a tool, and an extension of that care. Playtime inspires intimacy and greater submission, helping me build trust, which in turn, allows my submissive to achieve a deeper submission with me, and increases my ability to manage their well being and personal growth. Orgasms produce endorphins - and using them make them a useful tool to help battle depression, or to wind down a busy mind that can’t sleep. Pain is often necessary to keep a submissive balanced, helps reinforce the dynamic, and thus is also useful beyond the simple masochistic experience. 

I would argue that anyone who comes to you calling themselves dominant, who thinks D/s relationships are about the sex, is someone who isn’t worth pursuing, unless your only goal is having a dom for “the kinky sex”.  Those who understand the full potential of D/s dynamics will tell you it’s not about the sex - but the care. The sex, though fun as hell and always invited, is just an ingredient. 

JD🌹@1LK

[prin-xxx-ess]

A reminder not all subs are the same. Tumblr sub blogs almost appear like a monoculture of “popular” kink but remember not all subs like being degraded, not all subs like being used, not all subs like being bratty. Not all subs are poly or play with multiple partners, not all subs enjoy sex, not all subs like being slapped, not all subs like being spit on, not all subs like being spoilt financially, not all subs like older partners, not all subs enjoy being tied up, not all subs are masochists!! And this doesn’t make them any less of a perfect sub.

[queenofbuttstuff]

You want to call yourself her daddy?

What’s her favorite color? What’s something that always makes her laugh? What are her goals? Her dreams? What is she afraid of? Do you know what she likes do to when she wants to relax? Do you know what helps her when she’s had a bad day? Can you recognize when she needs extra love because she’s feeling needy but doesn’t want to say anything? Can you tell when she’s bothered by something? Do you know her favorite way to be held, to be cuddled, to be wrapped up in your arms? Are you her safe place to go to when the world gets scary? Does she feel safe opening up to you? Does she feel like she can tell you anything? Do you punish from a place of love/caring, for correction of her destructive behaviors, for her own good? Do you see her as a person, a whole complete, complicated person? Do you make her feel respected and cherished? Do you protect her? Do you take care of her?

Being daddy is way more than fucking her, and if you’re not ready to take her heart, mind, body and soul, and protect & treat them with all the love, care, tenderness, respect that you are capable of giving, then you’re not her daddy. You’re just some asshole who wants to be called that. And you can get fucked.

[lovemysub-deactivated20250527]

Re: your last answer: how do you reconcile being a feminist with being a BDSM dom? I'm not doubting you, it just feels like those two things couldn't be compatable so I'd like to know your thoughts.

Anon-

I totally get where you’re coming from. But honestly, to me, the two things aren’t even slightly incompatible. Here’s why:

First, you have to remember one of my basic credos: a healthy and productive power exchange relationship HAS to start from a position of equal power. It is necessary. It is a fundamental truth.

Second, you have to remember that at no point in my life have I ever approached anyone and said “I’m a dominant and I want to take power over you, I want you to be my submissive”. Every single submissive partner I’ve ever had, not just Sangi, has approached me and asked me to be their dominant. In most cases, they didn’t even know that I identified as a dom.

Third, and this is super important: you have to understand that I have literally zero interest in performing a dominant role with someone who doesn’t want me to. In other words, I’d never try to talk anyone into being my submissive. I’ve had plenty of vanilla relationships and they’ve been just fine, for the most part.

The truth is, if I’m going to be someone’s dominant, I have to know that they want it, and I have to respect them as my equal. I have no interest in viewing someone as a cock-starved, abuse-craving bimbo. I love Sangi because she is the epitome of everything I want: she is brilliant, confident, challenging, and assertive. I wouldn’t want a submissive who was anything less.

I don’t care that just any woman kneels to me. I care that this breathtakingly powerful, graceful, intelligent, self-assured, gorgeous woman *chooses* to kneel. That means that she sees something in me. That means she sees in me all the good things that I try to cultivate in myself. That means she understands who I strive to be and she loves that, even when I fall short.

Sangi is my equal. She is my best friend, my partner, the love of my life. And the fact that she sees courage and honor in me that match her own is at once the most humbling and empowering experience of my life. That’s what gives me strength. That’s what gives me the courage to take the control that she gives me. That’s what keeps me going on the hard days.

So you tell me, anon. If I saw her as less than me, could I still be me? Could I still be true to myself? Could I still do what I do?

I know my answer. It was never in doubt.

Much love, anon.

-LMS

[baby-pumkin]

Found these at Tjmaxx last week! Cute!

[ddlgdoodles-deactivated20180923]

[stray--wolf]

Being a lone pet

Being a pet without an owner can sometimes make it hard to feel like a “real pet”; trust me, I know. I was a solo pet for quite a long time. But there are some things you can do to make yourself still feel like the pet you are:

wear a collar. just because you are not owned, doesn’t mean you cannot wear a collar. if you are a single pet, by choice or by nature, you can still proudly wear a collar of your choice to prove your pet identity and sense of self.

set a schedule for yourself. lots of owners like to give their pets vague or strict schedules to adhere to, to keep them productive throughout the day. just because you’re on your own, doesn’t mean a schedule won’t benefit you; in fact, it’s a very healthy habit to get into.

give yourself treats, when you earn it. when a pet does something good, owners will typically reward them for their positive efforts. feel free to reward yourself when you finish an assignment, finish your chores, or accomplish a goal you’ve been working toward.

go into pet space. give yourself time to be a pet; chase a ball, paw at a mouse, run through the woods. you are a pet and you should make time for yourself to act like one.

remember you are valid. so many pets feel as though they are not valid just because the do not have an owner and that is absolutely not true. every pet, no matter their species, owner status, or anything else is any less of a pet than the next. you are a pet, never let anyone take that from you.

there are many other ways to deal with being a pet without an owner (feel free to add your own) but the key is to remember that just because you are on your own, you are not any less of a pet. do what makes you feel like your species (dog, cat, pony, etc.), do what makes you happy. there is nothing that makes you any less of a pet than one that has an owner. your perfect owner will come along someday, just be patient and remember to take care of yourself in the meantime. and message me if you ever need advice or a have any questions.

[his-tiny-wolf]

Pet Play Asks  🐶 🐱 🐺🐴 🐰

Questions for both sides of the slash and even for doms who pet play

Are you a dom, a sub, or a switch?

What animal(s) do you enjoy playing as?

What is your favorite part about pet play?

What is something you find romantic? 

How did you and your significant other meet?

Do you prefer Morning or Night?

Do you live in an area that is kink friendly?

Do you like collars?  Leashes?

What animal noises do you like to make?

Do you consider yourself a lone animal or a pride/pack/herd animal?

Describe your most recent pet play experience.

Describe an embarrassing pet play experience.

What is your favorite type of land terrain?

What is your favorite reward?

What is your favorite animal?

What is your favorite pet toy?

What is your favorite pet space activity?

What is your favorite thing about your significant other?

What is your favorite season?

What other kinks, besides pet play, do you enjoy?

If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

Have you ever found yourself going into pet space in public?

Does anybody in your vanilla or non-kink life know you’re into pet play?

What is something that can get you immediately into pet space?

Are you on Fetlife.com?

For Doms:   Do you prefer a well trained pet or a feral pet?

For Doms:   How do you like to dom as a pet?

For Doms:   What species of pets do you like to have?

For Doms:   What do you consider most difficult about being a dom?

For subs:  Are you domesticated or are you primal/feral? 

For subs:  As a pet, do you prefer the floor, the couch, or the bed? 

For subs:  Describe your perfect dom.

For subs:  Do you like to play with only your dom or others too?

[princess-of-crayons]

~Transparent Little Pup Banners!~

♥ Do not interact if you think little space or pet space are inherently sexual! ♥

[stray--wolf]

PET PLAY: non-sexual activities to do with your ⋆ CANINE ⋆

While I was going through the SFW pet play tag, I realized that it was all dedicated to littles and kittens and I thought to myself “😑😑😑”. So I decided to make a post about non-sexual and SFW activities you can do with your pup, wolf, fox, dog, etc. Please remember that even though canines are not as affectionate as kittens (although pups might be), they need attention as well.

Go for a walk in the woods/around the block

Practice learning different tricks (sit, lie down, fetch, etc.)

Grooming (hair brushing, nail painting, etc.)

Go swimming at the local pool/lake/ocean

Cuddling

Trying on gear

Playing with chew toys

Receiving treats for doing things correctly

Petting/scratching

Pouncing, jumping, rolling, etc. (foxes especially)

Chewing on beef jerky/roast to get those back molars working

Eating/drinking from a bowl

Wrestling with fellow canines/your owner

“Hunting” for a toy hidden by your owner

Taking photos in your gear/different poses

Playing outside with the hose (spraying your pet is super fun tbh)

Watching TV/a movie together

Playing dress up (pups especially)

Playing with their hair (tying it up, brushing it, etc.)

[ *please remember to be respectful when going out in public, as some people might not be prepared to see whatever it is you’re going to do. Remember that, even though it’s SFW, pet play is still considered a kink, so keep it PG while in the park, the pool, around the neighborhood, etc. ]

- Beta Keiko

[princess-of-crayons]

♥ ATTENTION PUPPIES AND CARETAKERS!!! ♥

THIS is bake-a-bone! It’s roughly $18 on Amazon!

It’s retailed as a way to make homemade dog treats! BUT it’s pretty much just a waffle iron! So, you could use it to make treats for puppy space! You could use pancake batter or waffle batter or CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE BATTER, and make super cute, super realistic pup treats!

This has been a PSA~

♥ Do not interact if you think little space or pet space is inherently a kink! ♥

[small-berry-boy-deactivated2017]

When I'm little...

~ I don’t swear at all ~ I giggle at everything ~ I always want cuddles ~ I need lots of attention ~ I will only want to eat candy ~I slur on my words a bit or put random ’s’ at the end of words ~ I will always have a stuffie with me ~ Will get upset easier than normal ~ Will need 10x more reassurance on everythiiiiiiing ~ I will more than likely be singing a Disney song to myself ~ Will skip and bounce around if I’m in public ~ Will not be able to sit still for more than a minute ~ I am clumsier than usual (which is a lot) ~ Will get distracted more than usual ~ Will make random noises to express how I feel about somethin e.g. humming, squeaking, laughing ~ I love having my hair played with ~I will always want to hold someone’s hand 🌼💙🌼💙🌼💙🌼💙🌼💙

[speakupbabyboy-deactivated20241]

Littles are so cute. One moment they can be their big selves and the next they’re curled up in your lap pushing their face into your neck. They can be entirely pissed at you but still want you to kiss their forehead and tell them how good they are. Littles are some of the most fragile but loving people in the world. They are strong and fragile at the same time. Treat them with respect and dignity and calm their nerves when they’re upset. They deserve every last bit of protection you give them.