a void

this is my safe space to shout into the void... for fun.... without offending any relatives or ruining friendships. artist/cat mom/corporate slave currently suffering from burnout.

[beanandcheese44]

Bro like what even is life rn?

Girl is forgetting to post things brb.

[beanandcheese44]

Once I told a boy I liked that I really liked magpies.

He told me if I knew what they ate, or how they acted I wouldn't be so keen.

Years go by. I watched how he acted and learned who he was.

I don't love him anymore, but I still like magpies.

[beanandcheese44]

I have self worth.

But events do their thing

They leave me crumpled

And when I'm flattened out I'm not the same.

I've built myself back up

But the creases are deep

I see a beautiful person.

I like them

But I can't look at them

I can't talk to them

Because letting them see that I want more for them is weakness

I'm afraid of rejection

I'm afraid of being weird

And not enough.

I know the right person will come along.

And what's meant to be will be

I'm just beating myself up about it

Because it hurts to be vulnerable, to be more.

It hurts to hurt

But I need to live

I'm scared

But I have to keep going

I'm tired

But I must continue

So I hope

I hope I hope I hope

I

Hope

[beanandcheese44]

I miss how tender and doting I become when I'm in a relationship.

I crave wholesome contact with another.

But

My choices have left me revolted and avoidant of those that would be tender.

It is not their fault when my stomach twists in Knots,

That my muscles involuntarily retract, and the anxiety

Becomes a dull roar.

The lion comes out to defend.

And i

Remain in the confines of my cage

It keeps me safe.

Away from the touch, and prying eyes of others

And myself.

Am I to blame? I've been assured I'm not.

But my brain doesn't stop.

My reflection is not kind.

And my mind is cursed with thought.

[beanandcheese44]

Tumblr is a fairly safe space.

By this I can make a post about how I'm hardcore crushing on someone and they'll never. Find. Out.

I had the unique opportunity to visit one of my friends this weekend. I subsequently was also introduced to her friends as well. Beforehand she gave me the heads up that one of them was deeply attractive. I met him and I didn't think so at first but as the night wore on he grew more and more into a Hozier esque written by a woman man. I had to admit to my friend that I was horribly wrong and took back what I said about him not being attractive.

A couple days later I got to hang with the group again. This man had the audacity to speak to me like a human and make me feel included and apart of the group. According to my friend he's always like that... Kind that is. And I whole heartedly agree. (Side note he's quite soft spoken and chill) he also makes an effort to listen to whatever garbage I spew. Anyway,

The group went to an aquarium and he kept asking me questions about the fish and stuff there, because I know a little bit.

I love stingrays. He took notice and asked me why I love them and explored my admiration. Just showing interest in my interest.

And through this I got to know him a little bit more. He told me a little about the tide pools he used to experience growing up. I also found out where he grew up.

After the aquarium was of course the ride home. I naturally whipped out my new tarot card deck I had purchased previously and asked the deck to give me a one card description of each person in the friend group. When it came to his turn I actually don't remember what card it was, but I do remember the picture on it being snapdragons.

I bring this all up because it probably hit me just an hour ago that the card showed snapdragons because they're my favorite flower.

And out of the friends I was introduced to, he was my favorite.

So my cards were calling me out. And kinda shouting to me that I have a crush on him.

I find it extremely humerus.

I doubt it'll ever come to fruition. My friend also thinks he's attractive and sweet and kind like me, and while she doesn't want to date anyone right now, I hope she can date him in the future. He'd be good for her. I probably shouldn't be dating anyone either. Such is life I suppose.

[beanandcheese44]

I was thinking about all the women I have been attracted to in my life. All of the girl friends I had conflicting feelings for.

And I realized

I have a type

But it's just all in the face

Not the body

I like long dark brown hair and high cheekbones. A spark of playfulness is always a bonus.

But each and every one of them were gentle with me and kind.

And that's what made me gravitate to them.

But none of them will ever know. They are some version of straight or dating machine gun Kelly 🤣.

so much of them stick with me

So so much.

They're all beautiful. All kind.

And I'm just there for them

As a friend. Nothing more

And that's ok

[beanandcheese44]

Just a peaceful lil spider I found at work. I don't know why but just to see one chilling on a flower in the sun made me feel some type of way.

[beanandcheese44]

When I was a kid I used to be scared of death and ghosts. I think it's normal being as it was something I didn't understand. to cope with this fear I put myself through exposure therapy. I read everything I could get my hands on. If it was embalming, mummies, or grieving customs of the eighteen hundreds, I was there. Soaking it all up like the little sponge I was. Another thing that helped was religion. I learned about a possible afterlife (of the christian sense) and to me that was and still is more comforting than nothing being there at all. So naturally the paranormal started to interest me. You see my Papa died when I was six. I missed him terribly (and I still do) naturally I became fascinated with the paranormal. I wanted him to visit me so so much. But he was at peace, and from my understanding busy. I learned as time went on that contacting the dead isn't particularly safe and not to mess with such things. Instead it was just best to wait for them to come to me. So I did. As years went on I began to lose more and more people I held dear. Including pets. Grief became a part of me and I understood when people say it never goes away. What got to me wasn't the fact that they were dead. I knew I was going to see them again. What got to me was the joy that they gave this planet, and the things they did, wouldn't exist anymore. That thought proved to be so much more devastating than death.

[beanandcheese44]

no, this is worse than death.

imma start this off by saying this is all incredibly sad. it is all true.

negative comments will not be tolerated.

my aunt raises trains and breeds horses. she also does horseback riding lessons as well. they are her world, and she is theirs.

she aranged with someone to board six of her horses for the summer. for a "good price" the guy was dragging his feet with turning on the water. so she like any responcible person goes to bring them home because obviously their needs were not being met.

she gets to the farm, and theyre gone.

she contacts the sherifs office. turns out they were running loose on some random farmers land. they were all picked up and taken to auction. and the man? nowhere to be found.

here is where it gets upsetting.

the whereabouts of all these precious equines where found and go as follows.

three were given back. This brings me joy and I'm so grateful for their return.

two were sent to slaughter and were put down within minutes of arrival. One of these was a five-figure horse while the other was a much beloved broodmare.

one was found at auction and bought for one hundred dollars. the woman that bought her is refusing to give her up because she knows that that filly is worth five thousand dollars. Even though it was an illegal sale.

Now this is not in any way me asking for anything. It's just a statement of the facts. my aunt does not have money. she cannot afford a lawyer. the police are blaming the entire situation on her saying if she had done her research on the man this would have never happened.

That disgusts me.

I'm enraged. I'm angry. There's nothing I can do for her or about this entire mess.

I'm trying to stay positive.

I'm trying to calm down.

there's nothing I can do.

[beanandcheese44]

This song fills the corners of my brain. It gives me hope. It makes me wanna fight and win. It feels like falling through peacefully through the air, or standing on a mountain top and gazing at the vast expanse of land below.

[beanandcheese44]

today I saw two girls waving at others in oncoming traffic. they waved only for reciprocation. it was truly a pure form of communication.

[beanandcheese44]

Americans have cultural food and it is pancakes!

[beanandcheese44]

I usually ask people who their favorite disenchantment, or BoJack Horseman character is. I don't know how but based on what I know about that person and the character they chose just makes sense.

for example:

lucy lovers- chaotic, witty, but deeply troubled. The person that says "it is what it is" that you definitely need to look out for. and this goes without saying, but enablers. be there for them. make sure they take time to chill, but probably not by themselves, they need a real friend.

Diane fans- they're sad. They have allot of thoughts and allot of opinions. they want to understand themselves, and they go to impressive lengths to do so. in doing so they kinda become the mom therapist friend. they care but they really should look after themselves and care for themselves more often.

Elfo freaks- Ya'll scare me. you're crazy and your mental health is quite concerning, but once you've found your people, you're loyal and loving. always fun to gossip with for sure. and for some reason I have never seen anyone work so hard while slacking off at the same time.

Todd stans- you kinda float on the outside. you think you pull good pranks, or you wish you could pull pranks. dense. you think allot about yourself but in the sense of planning for future you. sometimes you're taken for granted and underestimated. Not only that but you're really trying to figure yourself out. all around, sweet people.

[beanandcheese44]

friendly reminder to boycott monopoly media juggernauts like Disney. haven't you noticed a lot of movies lately especially ones that come from marvel are all the same flavor? I can literally walk out of the theater to use the bathroom because every fight scene is boring. its also easy to predict when a fight scene will take place. every movie follows a formula to keep the viewer ensnared, but when you see the same formula over, and over, the formula becomes mind-numbingly predictable. quantity maters more to these companies than quality. creativity has gone completely out the window. There's nothing new, and that much is illustrated by how many ice age movies there are in existence. I will say that there is something to the generational trauma healing movement and its nice to see movies that address those topics. that being said I'm sure there's other movies just like those that are buried under the mass advertising that Disney can afford. Don't get me wrong Disney holds much nostalgia for all of us but its lost much of its heart for the sake of a bottom line.

[beanandcheese44]

I can't stress this enough. Do not do anything you are not ready to do! take your time and do things your way. If you're not ready you run the risk of hurting yourself.

[beanandcheese44]

they're just dreams.

I had this friend. We cut ties, or more rather, the ropes she knotted to me were digging into my wrists. Keeping her attached was more harm than good.

Now she's gone. and for some reason i regret weeding her out of my life. i have dreams where she comes back, and all is well like it used to be. she forgives me I forgive her, and we both change for the better.

then i wake up. she's still gone, and i miss her. I need her. but now the process of healing can begin. she can't hurt me, and i can't hurt her. better-ness is something i can achieve. I can leave the poison of bitterness behind me.

they were just dreams. nice ones albeit, but nevertheless, just. dreams.

now all that's left for me to do is let go entirely.

[beanandcheese44]

My first daffodils of the season, I luv them.