Journey Away From Dad Bod

For me all roads lead to Dad Bod, I've decided to turn around and run away from it

[bearclarkkent]

Dad-Bod and The Fake Lockdown

What kind of fucking idiots announcement a local lockdown at 10pm? Are you have a fucking laugh?

Yes, local lockdowns are a thing that will need to happen, but this isn't a local lockdown. This is Westminster trying to push the blame onto the general population, and hide the fact that they have been super fucking incompetent when it comes to this pandemic. Every step of the way they've been less than useless. 

Boris Johnson ignoring social distancing, visits to castles to check your eyesight, not being able to order legit tests that actually work and not providing enough PPE for our NHS.

I try to avoid shit like this, but fuck this local lockdown in the North. Fuck Westminster and Fuck Andy Burnham for going along with this farce.

So, why am I angry? Well what they've said is "You can't visit friends and family in their homes or gardens because YOU fucked up" (paraphrased) But they have made it astoundingly clear that the economy in the North means more to them than lives do.

So Local Lockdown...this is going to suck I can't go to the pub...nope can still do that. Can I go to the gym? Sure, OK. Public places with lots of strangers that I have no idea or way of checking if they've been adhering to social distancing? OK, OK...there is no way I can go to Primark though right? Oh wait, essentially go out and spend money.  The one thing we need to make sure is alive at the end of this is the economy - honestly just between you and me, if we could have it tick over business as usual without all these poor people around that'd be great!

See your colleagues. Visit public parks, restaurants - actually go to as many restaurants as fuckin possible Mon-Wed through August HERE'S 50% OFF!!!!! But you know, don't visit your mother. Don't go and see your friends who have been working as hard as you have at making sure they stick to all the fuckin rules!

Stop with this half arsed bullshit, stop with this waffling fuckin lazy shit. Lockdown or don't! If you really care about protecting the public and the "country" (whatever the fuck that means anymore) then LOCK-THE-FUCK-DOWN! Lock it down. Close the gyms. Close the restaurants. Close fuckin Costa!

Don't feed me bullshit and tell me it's chocolate. You want to keep everyone spending, keep everyone mingling and going out and about but you want to show that:

a) you're doing something

b) the general public, not the government, is to blame

c) you care about businesses because after all this we need 16 different Costas in Bolton Town Centre, 12 Starbucks competing across the street and that one Café Nero that does pretty good cakes.

And give people some fuckin notice, why did it take you until 10pm at night to half arse a message to the public? The fuck were you doing with the rest of your day that was so important that it trumps the fuckin pandemic we're in the middle of?

Fuck this fake lockdown. Fuck the Tories and their disdain for everyone worth less than £1m. Fuck my neighbours too, because guaranteed they're going to ignore this whilst I follow it to the fuckin letter.

Sorry that there is nothing sweet really happening in this post, I’m just posting whilst a little drunk and angry. Probably a bad idea.

OK I’ll save it, my monkey housemate turned 5 last week and I don’t know where the time has gone. He’s still fuckin ace, and he still makes me super fuckin happy (even though he made me bite my tongue earlier by palm heeling my jaw)

I’m gonna get some more wine I think...

[bearclarkkent]

Dad-bod & Cubs

So, it feels like recently the only time I write is when I’m down or feeling particularly proud of something, that is probably pretty accurate and unfortunately for you this is not really changing today and I’m going to just jump right in.

It has happened to us again, that is the super abridged version of what is going on with me right now. It’s happened again. And the thing is, that no matter how much I may or may not have tried to get my hopes up, I fully did and had already started to plan things out in my head about the future for me and my family. I started having little panics about choices I’m considering or decisions I’ve already made. I was out of work, also again, and that was not helping.

I feel guilty now about thoughts I’d had about the baby when we found out we were pregnant again, I had these exact same thoughts with every cub and with Kohen.

I’m not ready for this baby.

I’ve got plans, I’ve got things I want to do. Another baby is going to stop this from all happening or make me really selfish for trying to fulfil these things I want to complete.

I’m happy with my life as it is, why does it need to change?

But all of these very quickly gave way to happier thoughts, because each time each of these thoughts would have the edge to them removed by a simple message from my brain:

I’m going to be a dad again!

I’m going to be a dad again!!

I’m going to be a dad again!!!

But no…I’m not. And even though I’m feeling pretty numb right now to the whole thing, that one stupid 4 word phrase, separated by a stupid ellipsis, well typing that and just admitting it hurt me more than any punch or kick, more than my fractured skull or broken foot did. Those are just physical pains that very quickly just became memories of pain. Such get kicked in the face hurts like nobody’s business. Fracturing my foot falling about a foot off the climbing wall was embarrassing and really heckin painful. Every tattoo hurt. But it all fades. With time, it fades and you remember that it once hurt.

I’m not going to be a dad again. There it is. And it hurts again.

I remember how much it hurt the first time we were told the baby was dead, although they don’t say dead. They being, well everyone. They don’t say dead, they say lost like it’s my wallet or keys. Or gone, like a visitor that was just stopping by. Lost implies the ability to be found, the potentially infinitesimally slim chance it could be found. Gone can mean that they’ll come back. Dead…dead is final. There’s no chance. There’s no coming back. It’s done. They’re dead, and it really hurts every time I…well, now remember isn’t the right word. It hurts every time I think about what I’ve lost but can never find.

I feel like there is a real issue when talking about miscarriage, when you’re able to actually have the conversation – which let’s be honest, is pretty heckin hard to do in the first place – the conversation centres around the loss/death of the baby. The physical side and its impact on your emotional side. But there is something about miscarriage that is even harder to think about, let alone talk about, and it’s the loss of potential. The loss of this alternate future. All the stupid little plans, all the worries that you could have, all the joys and fears and sleepless nights, all of it gone. In a moment. A terrible moment, where the heat death of an entire alternate timeline hits you in the face and all you can do is sit in your stupid chair, avoiding eye contact with your wife because you can’t let her see you. Because you know that the moment she sees you, she’ll know. She’ll know that deep down, after all the tests she’s been through after the last 2. After what just happened, she’ll know. And you know, you know deep down that it has to be your fault.

This is the other side of miscarriage you don’t discuss with anyone. Blame. Obviously, you don’t blame your partner, you can’t. How could you possibly even consider it, and honestly you don’t ever consider it to be their fault, because there are only 2 choices for who to blame. It’s either no-one or you, and if there’s someone to blame it can’t be no-one. That’s nonsense, so you blame yourself. It has to be me!

The next part of miscarriage you can’t, won’t or just don’t discuss is jealousy. I don’t know if it happens to everyone, but pretty much 3 times now we’ve either had announcements or births happen around the same time we’ve had the bad news. I have never begrudged anyone having a kid. I have never had any negative thoughts that are directed at them or their baby, just need to clarify that. I have however been crazy jealous of their success (for lack of a better word). I have been jealous of the upheaval in their lives. Jealous of the myriad potential futures they now have in front of them.

Now there will be some people out there that think

“But think of everything you have. Think about how lucky you are to have Kohen. Think about etc etc”

To these people I say something profane. Something entirely uncouth and lacking in social graces. To them I ask do you not think I already know how lucky I am to have Kohen? Do you not think that after all the loss I’m not incredibly grateful for the possibly once in a lifetime opportunity I’ve been granted by the universe? Thinking about some things is all I have.

Our small family is little bit bigger now, but physically the same size. Claire and I, we have 4 children. 1 Crazy Little Monkey and 3 Bear Cubs. Now the Cubs, regardless of your beliefs, are in space and travelling the cosmos. They are visible to me every time a star in the sky is brighter than all the others around it. I love my Crazy Little Monkey, and I love my Cubs. I love my wife and I love my dog. I love my family. I love my family by blood and marriage, and I love my extra family of friends.

This was not supposed to be a morose, self-indulgent possibly semi-depressing post but sometimes you just have to play the hand you’ve been dealt.

I was going to try to finish this off with an update on Claire’s and my training for the upcoming races, but bloody COVID-19 has put paid to that, at least temporarily. We have, however, found a virtual race that we can run that is organised by the same people that were doing the the London Landmarks Half Marathon.

So our plan now, instead of travelling to London to run a half is to do it at home. More on that hopefully in the near future, but yeah, a pretty depressing one today, I’ll try to be a bit less of a lazy jerk and get some more runs in and maybe start posting about my gross dad-bod instead.

[bearclarkkent]

Dad-Bod and Tommy’s

So Claire and I are going to be running the London Landmarks Half Marathon (LLHM) on 29th March 2020, this will be the second time that Claire has run this race but it will be my first time. Also to note, Claire will be running her first full marathon a week later! She is an absolute trooper and my inspiration for running this race.

Earlier this year in March, Claire ran the LLHM solo and absolutely smashed it, she ran for the Tommy’s Baby Charity who if you don’t know offer support and fund research around miscarriage. In 2018 we went to them to hopefully get answers to that a whole bunch of horrible questions, most of which we knew the answer to already and one I don’t think will ever be answered.

Why did this happen to us? Why did it happen to us twice? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Is this my fault? Why?!?!

I know that Claire has asked herself these questions a lot, and I have too. I think everyone who goes through this does, and the answers are more than likely the same.

We don’t know. We really don’t know. Nothing. Nothing. No. We’re so sorry but we genuinely don’t know.

As genuine as these answers were, and as pained to not be able to answer them as the midwives and doctors seemed, they’re not that helpful and I think they know it.

Now, we are running this race to raise money for Tommy’s and I’ll tell you why. When we were given the news about this first miscarriage, it devastated both of us. I was staring at the screen and I could see that there was no heartbeat, but that’s fine…Kohen was difficult to find sometimes. But the silence from the sonographer was palpable, I assume her face was stoic but I didn’t take my eyes off the screen so I wouldn’t know. Then she apologised and dismissed herself to bring in another more senior sonographer, who within moments confirmed what we already knew at that point. Bear Cub #1 was gone, we were at our 12 week scan, our first chance to see our little cub and they had stopped developing around week 10 and we just didn’t know. I don’t think I spoke until we were out of the hospital, I sure as hell cried a lot and just felt numb. I’ve never truly experienced that feeling before, I’ve had a lot of anaesthetic in my time, and morphine once, but nothing felt like this.

During this time the majority of the focus was on Claire, and for obvious reasons. There were medical procedures that needed taking care of, we needed to keep an eye out for different signs, here’s a pamphlet for if X happens and if it doesn’t here is a pamphlet with a list of choices. It is very easy during this time though, as the father, to feel forgotten and then later in the conversation as an afterthought.

Now don’t get me wrong, Claire needed the focus for all the physical medical questions, but at the same time I was watching a future with my cub disappearing so maybe just ask how I am? Acknowledge that I’m in the room as well, and maybe offer some sort of service to help both parents, not just the mother.

This was pretty much the same the 2nd time around, but I don’t want to think about that time right now because the way we were treated both of us in the hospital that day was nothing short of atrocious. I was completely ignored by one midwife, and…no another day.

However, and to my point, after the 2nd miscarriage we were able to apply to be part of a research program with Tommy’s, they’re currently looking at one of the possible reasons for miscarriage in some women. I knew going in to this that I was probably going to be ignored during this session and that the focus would be on Claire because she was the one having blood tests done and all the other stuff that they did. However, not once did I feel like I was anything less than an equal partner in this grief, not once did I feel like any of the above feelings were to be considered less than Claire’s just because I was not the one carrying the baby. Every time someone asked how Claire was I was immediately asked. That’s because Tommy’s cares, and everyone who works for them seems to care about the work that they’re doing. That is why we’re raising money for this amazing charity, they care and they’re trying to make a difference and find an answer to some of those ridiculous questions, and hopefully one day we’ll be able to accept the answers without blaming ourselves.

1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage! 25% is insane. Some of your friends have probably miscarried in the first trimester without you even knowing. Personally I think it’s a travesty that it’s so hard to talk about this stuff, not just because it’s emotionally difficult but because if you haven’t gone through it there is little to no frame of reference and being the person who doesn’t know can suck as well. You don’t know what to say or you end up saying something stupid, possibly without even realising it. So we don’t talk about it, we just kind of pretend this doesn’t happen and just expect everyone to move on, because it’s awkward.

My grief is real and just because I didn’t get to meet you doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. We never had the chance to say hello, and we were never given the option to say goodbye, and I think that is one of the things that still hurts.

If I’m being honest, and this is something I’ve not shared with a lot of people, I’m scared it will happen again. I’m absolutely petrified of losing another cub and Kohen may be our lightning in a bottle.

So we’re running these races to raise money for Tommy’s as our way of giving back to a charity that has supported us through our most trying time. You can help us help them by sponsoring us at JustGiving (https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/paul-claire-llhm2019) and give us a follow on Instagram @team_space_bears to see our training updates.

To all my friends who have read this and gone through something similar, if you ever need to talk about anything like this and want someone who maybe understands a little part of it, I’m always happy to talk.

[bunboiarts]

I hit 2000 followers on instagram so you know what that means… Time for a Big Ol’ Giveaway! The Giveaway ends May 8th, at 4pm Mountain time! 

All you gotta do to enter is reblog this. Easy peasy!

One winner from Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook will be chosen! Winners will receive one $40 Commission, and one custom profile pic! (you can enter more than once across platforms!)

https://myurls.co/bunboiarts

INCOMING WALL OF TEXT! These past few months have been incredible. Absolutely incredible. To set the scene, I have been plotting an arts… business? Page? Endeavor? Anywho. For the past couple years, and over that time I’ve been sifting through names of what would be best for my own little brand. There was some setbacks that hit me hard and made me reevaluate if I could do it… eventually instead could I, became should I… even if I fail is it worth trying? Should (through the support of amazing people like my super cool girlfriend, family, fellow artists and awesome friends) became a commitment. So on the day after my Birthday I planned it, Bun Boi would be made and Bun Boi Arts would be real. No takesies backsies no second guessing nothing.

 I set a one year goal of 1000 followers across all mediums I was apart of because I expected it to be slow and gradual, and I didn’t want to get my hopes too high.

To now as I type this sappy load of… my follower count sits at:

Instagram: 2460

Reddit: 1110

Facebook: 680

Twitter: 340

Tumblr: 280

That’s 4870 total followers in 4 months, with likely a fair bit of overlap so let’s say 4000. That blows my mind completely, that there has even been an interest in the things I’m making some posts reaching of 20’000 upvotes on Reddit, even as high as 39’000. I’m not trying to sound self indulgent or that all I care about is this feat I know its silly to count followers, or even to care about how much attention things get. But to me no matter how silly it means there is abundance of care. By month 2 my one year goal was crushed, and my page is still growing and climbing. I have no idea what I’m doing as I go but I know it’s I want to create. So to those of you who took the time to read this, to give my silly little page a chance, and to those who have been there… thank you. I’m not going to give up, I promised myself, and I promise each of you. Disappointing myself I can live with (like I disappoint my parents #dab, just kidding love you mom), but I never want to disappoint any of you. Thank you. Now I'mma go have a good cry. Thank ❤️

[bearclarkkent]

Dad-bod and Loss

This is not going be to be my usual kind of post. I’m not writing much, if anything, about exercise today and it’ll be more about the Dad side of things. Just a heads up.

This Monday (15th Oct) is the culmination of Baby Loss Awareness Week, sounds a bit moot when you've not gone through it I reckon. Everyone is away that people lose babies, right? Everyone knows that miscarriages happen, don't they? The do, or at least I think they do.

However, I don’t think everyone is aware of exactly how often it happens. I don’t think everyone knows how devastating something like this is, even if it happens early in the pregnancy.

Honestly, I’m not sure how many people I’ve told, or who Wife has spoken to about this, but this Monday we’ll be lighting 2 candles for our lost children. Last year over a 6 month period we lost 2 children, both miscarriages (such a horrible word) happened before the 9 week mark.

It was at this time that I found out just how crazily common this actually is, 1 in 4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. 25%...that’s insane! And the craziest part is that no-one really knows why. There are some hypotheses that are being investigated, some drugs that have the potential to increase those odds but nothing concrete. I mean, 75% chance of success is pretty good for most things. But if you were doing something risky, like running across a roof and there was a gap for you to jump, and someone told you there was a 25% chance that you were not going to make it over the gap, would you jump? You’d at least pause first right?

I’m not saying this to be pessimistic, or to try to put people off trying for kids because kids are great (mostly). My boy has brought a joy to our lives we didn’t realise we were missing, every day I just wanna spend time with him and watch him learn, laugh and play.

But I miss our other 2, every day.

I think “What if…?”

I wonder what they would’ve been like, who they were going to become, how they would have impacted our lives. Would we be living where we are now? Would I be doing what I’m doing? What would my boy be like with them? Would he like having a little brother/sister? Would he be happier? Would he be sadder? How would he have changed? How is he different to how he could’ve been?

There are times when I feel lost within all of it. When I feel alone in my grief, not because I’m not supported by my fantastic Wife, but because I don’t know anyone else to talk to about it.

Obviously, me and Wife talk about it, but that’s not spreading the burden of grief really. We’re both grieving the loss, we both miss them together. But it feels like we’ve locked ourselves into a bubble of grief, and it doesn’t go away. Not really, not like when you lose someone that has impacted a load of other people, the grief can kinda spread thin then. Everyone takes a little bit and you know that they at least get it, they know this person was important and…I dunno, I just…how do you even begin to articulate how this tiny thing, this bean sized thing has already had a huge impact on your life.

It’s not just the experiences we have, because all we’ve had with them is sadness, it was the potential they had to change our world. The impact of this tiny thing, this microscopic ball of concentrated joy, is tremendous even before they’re free and out in the world. They change how you think, without you even realising it. Us and We immediately start to include them, your plans start shifting because well, we can’t live apart forever, and I am just about coping with the one awesome dude by myself during the week, 2 would be impossible. How do you get across to people who didn’t know who this baby was how much it means now that they’re gone? Especially when you don’t know if they’ve been through the same thing themselves.

And therein lies the problem, we don’t talk about it. We know that it happens to people, but people doesn’t mean us. It doesn’t mean our friends and family, right?

It’s fine, just try again.

It’s fine, you probably just needed to rest a bit more.

It’s fine, it’ll happen.

It’s fine, I mean, you’ve already had one, so it’ll definitely happen again.

It’s fine…let me stop you right there. It’s not. It’s really not. Thank you for being supportive, but fine is everything it is not. If anyone has said anything of these things to me and Wife, just a note that this is not aimed at you. I don’t really remember if anyone has said any of them, but I know before this happened to me I thought them.

I thought that it’s the most natural thing in the world, having a baby. We’ve been doing it for millions of years and we have got to have got really good at it. It totally has to be as safe and super successful, right? RIGHT?!?! 25% chance.

During all 3 pregnancies, I felt almost unimportant in the whole thing. Again, not by you Wife, you made me feel connected. Lay there whilst I read Discworld to my boy before he was born. Let me just try to contribute as much as possible to the whole thing. Obviously, I get that women carrying the baby feel an almost supernatural connection to the baby, but surely that means that more work needs to be done to help your partner in this, this baby’s father/2nd momma who doesn’t have a direct physical connection to them, become close.

Through the whole process of pregnancy, I felt almost disregarded. Questions were always asked about how Wife was. How’s she coping? How’s she doing? What does she…? How is she…? When does she…? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was happy to answer all these questions.

In the hospital, every single time, I was filled with excitement, dread, joy, adrenaline…lots of adrenaline. During the first pregnancy, those feelings were always tempered by relief. Everything is fine (it really was). But 2nd and 3rd, so much hope was dashed each time. World turned upside-down, super emotional, adrenaline again and pain. Almost physical, palpable pain. Then numb whilst we listen to the nurse talk. Mostly to Wife, but I got some acknowledgement.

3rd pregnancy…the same. Gut wrenching, I feel like I’m going to be sick pain, right in the pit of your stomach. Being prepared for it didn’t help. Because you think you’re prepared, but you’re not. This time I was not even mentioned, I don’t remember her even looking at me. She barely had any emotion in her voice when she was talking to Wife and I could see how much that was hurting her. There was zero empathy coming from this woman, and it felt like I didn’t matter.

With not knowing if any of my close friends had been through this, I’m sure a lot of them have, I didn’t and still don’t know who to talk to. So, I’m kind of baring my soul with this, hoping it’ll help me feel better and let others know that Bob Hoskins was right, it’s good to talk.

2 candles on Monday to remember our 2 little ones who are no longer with us, but they won’t ever be forgotten.

I’m not sure if auditioning for Spider-Man or Assassin’s Creed - either way this boy is awesome and the light of my life.

[bearclarkkent]

Dad-bod: It Begins..for like the 3rd time now

So...I've tried to start running again. 3 times a week was the plan, you'd the Couch you 5k plan from the NHS. App downloaded and everything, and I tried to start at week 5 but it kicked my ass so I went back to week 4 which we doable but still a challenge.

We went for a break to Wales and I kinda used it as an excuse to not run, but also it was nice to have a break from everything and it was way too hot...and mountainy to even walk for too long

Views like this everywhere we looked

However, the plan for this weekend is plan out days I'm running, climbing and what I'm eating throughout the week

This getting in shape stuff is bloody hard, but thankfully I'm back climbing after missing days or just being stupid busy

God dang I love climbing and not that I'm back in Manchester I have new places to try out. Like right now, I'm writing in between problems and it feels great

Blue problem has just been completed and now I'm sweating

Food is definitely my biggest hurdle, anyone wanna offer any foody tips I'm all ears

Your getting too big buddy! But I love you the more you grow

[bearclarkkent]

Dad-bod and The Excuses

For years I've been "trying to get in better shape" and for years I've been giving myself excuses to not do the things they would help change how I look and feel.

Hopefully this time will be different, I'm not going to say it will be but I'll hopefully come back at a later date and say "yeah, this was where it changed"

Excuses just seem to come easy for exercise or I'll always sort my diet out this weekend when I have time. I know that's a lie, I never have time. If I have free time there are a billion other things to fill it and they, more often than not, take a higher priority for whatever reason.

So I'm admitting it now, I'm lazy. I'm lazy and given half a chance I'll find an excuse to not do something.

The worst excuses are the ones I know are just stupid because I've worked through them before.

Oooh it's too hot...it's raining...etc; I'll go running tomorrow instead

No more...I hope

Obviously there will be times I can't get out for a run. Injury or illness are 2 very good reasons to not workout as you could either injure yourself even more or make yourself feel even worse.

Of course, others may think they're just 2 more excuses but I don't care. I'd rather miss a run because of being ill than have a really disappointing session that would put me off carrying on.

I'm also going to be trying out an idea I'd heard about recently, involving going to about 60% max effort but doing it as often as possible. The idea being that over 1 year I'd be running further in total and much more often.

Anyway, not off to the best start as I'm drinking beer and eating pizza tonight, but I have a bet going with a friend to try to shift some weight within the next 8 weeks. Not my usual kind of target but there is the promise of Nando's at the end of it so is a win win

Also...happy birthday monkey boy

[bearclarkkent]

Dad-Bod & Feeling Like a Dad

I’ve been focussing a lot on the bod part of having a Dad-Bod, I thought I might look at the Dad side for once. Plus, I don’t really feel qualified to always blog about fitness, mainly because I’ve not had the kinds of results I want just yet. I’ve not mentioned this to a lot of people, it’s usually only been other dad friends, but for the better part of the last 2 years I’ve struggled with feeling like a dad. I always thought there was supposed to be this overwhelming feeling immediately after the birth, or after a short period there’d be this epiphany that my life is changed for the better. That all feels like silly TV nonsense now.

Claire has read and follows quite a few Mummy Blogs and bought me a copy of ‘Dummy’ by Matt Coyne (the guy who started the Man vs Baby Facebook page), it’s very funny and feels incredibly honest. I’m only about a quarter of the way through it so far, so this may change, but I just don’t feel myself identifying with it as much as I thought I would. A lot of his experience I can empathise with, and I went through a lot of it myself, but some of it just feels alien to me. His trouble with sleep is a big part that I just don’t think I ever had a problem with, which after reading one part of his book made me panic a little bit. As is the norm whenever I panic about Dad stuff I messaged my wife something like:

Was I one of those dickheads who says “Kids are easy, they slept through straight away” when actually the jerk who says that is the one who just left it to his partner to do all the work?

Happily, I was told I was not one of those lazy dads and I could carry on reading my book. She might have called me an idiot for asking it, but that’s just how she shows that she cares.

There is one sentiment from his book that did strike one hell of a chord with me. It was very early in the book, talking about when he first got home after the actual birth with his little boy. The feeling that when he did get home it looked like a family home and felt like a family home, but he felt like a cuckoo, a fake or an imposter in someone else’s home. That was the best way I’ve heard/read to describe how I’ve been feeling, it hit the nail on the head and I wish I’d been able to describe it before now.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my boy so much but it’s never been overwhelming, it’s never felt life changing. The stars have never aligned and I’ve never felt the Earth shift beneath my feet, and the lack of the feeling that is supposed to wash over everyone as soon as they see their baby for the first time (or at least the first time after they’ve been able to sleep in a 48hr period that is labour) is what I struggled with for nearly 2 years.

How many conversations with my wife involved the comment “I just feel like all I am is a nappy changer, a provider of snacks and that guy who puts him to bed”? Honestly, it’s so many that I’m amazed that she hadn’t cracked me over the head with Finn’s Hero Sword and told me to change the damn record because she’s sick of hearing it. She never has, and I love her even more for it. She’s still not watched Rick and Morty so I guess she’s not perfect yet.

This is the sword she made that could do some serious damage

Even with her reassurances and help I’d still doubt, question and worry that something was wrong because what’s wrong with me that I’ve never felt those things that everyone goes on about? There’d never been a cosmic shift in my life, no lightning bright flash of clarity that “Yeah, I feel like a dad now” However, I do know the exact point that I stopped caring about those feelings, and I’d realised that my thinking had changed. I couldn’t say when it changed and if it was even a singular change or just a series of adjustments that lead to it (I’m leaning more towards the latter). And the moment when I realised I was seeing myself as a dad was when I was doing possibly the most mundane thing around the house, hanging clean clothes. Whilst I was doing this it struck me that something was different, something had changed with how I saw myself. It came to me that when I was piling clothes I was thinking: Kohen’s Top Clairey’s Top Daddy’s Top Kohen’s Top Daddy’s Top I still don’t feel any different, physically or emotionally, I don’t feel like a dad (not really sure what that is supposed to feel like) and generally I don’t feel any different than I did when I was 25. But I do know there has been a fundamental shift internally. I’m Daddy now, not just me. That’s no longer mine, it’s Daddy’s and it feels great not worrying about this anymore like a massive weight has been lifted.

Life goes on much as it did when I had my doubts – it’s good like that.

During the last 2 years having the monkey boy around there have been no life changing moments of extreme clarity and no Earth shattering realisations, there have just been adjustments. Just lots of small adjustments. Like I can’t just go to the gym whenever I want, I have to schedule that and get it to work around my latest routine. Another adjustment is always having to be vigilant with where I store things, especially anything sharp/caustic/poisonous, because monkey housemates like opening doors and unscrewing lids.

There are so many and they all just kind of happen organically and you don’t even realise anything has changed until you actually go out of your way and think about it. All these trade-offs are great and I feel like they’re worth it. I love that boy with all my heart and other than the occasional and hilarious tantrums I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Love you Monkey Boy

[bearclarkkent]

Dad-Bod and Confidence

I’m not a natural writer, I really find putting pen to paper (or fingers to keys to be more accurate) really hard to do, it’s not a motivation thing, more a lack of confidence in my ability to actually write. I really want to start writing regularly, but actually getting up and doing it is hard…really hard. Do I have anything to say? If I do, does anyone want to hear it?

I wrote a blog post about 2 weeks ago about free weights that I’ve just realised that I haven’t posted. I don’t think it’s a great post and it kinda felt like an advert for the programme I was following myself. I’ll probably not bother posting it – I’m not sure it’s worth it.

Anyway, confidence levels when writing are pretty low. Body confidence is probably around the same point. Not just in how it looks but my trust that I’m not going to fall apart or fail at what I’m doing.

Case in point – I ran the Wolf Run for the…errrr…5th time yesterday. I was certain that my knee was going to buckle under me when I ran, I’ve had problems with my knee in the past, and I was expecting to be limping over the finish line. The only confidence I had was that I was going to hold everyone back, for which I apologised so many times in advance, and discussed failure with my wife enough times to really get on her nerves I think.

Post-Spring Wolf Run 2017 - so much mud in my beard

I question at least once a week if the gym is having an actual effect, I feel like it is in certain situations (looking in the mirror from across the room without my glasses usually – poor light helps) and then when I get close to the mirror I start picking apart every detail.

Progress feels like it is going at a snail’s pace but I’m enjoying it. Free-weights are super fun and I’m only in the gym for between 30-45minutes. Each session has Squats and Deadlifts (both so much fun) and then alternates between Overhead Press and Bench Press. Warm up with lower weights then 3x5 work sets, each exercise increases by 2.5kg each session (except Deadlift which goes up 5kg per session) and that’s about it. Do that twice a week (should be 3 times but I’ve not got time to fit that in), plus climbing and a run once a week is to be added in somewhere.

Right now, I worry that this is boring the hell out of whoever is reading this, but I remind myself that I’m writing this for me – this is a little project for myself to motivate me to keep pushing towards my goal.

Current goal is still Pecs before Tough Mudder.

So, I remind myself every day, it’s harder some days but I have a great wife who calls me an idiot and tells me I’m being silly, the gym is working. I’ve lost a load of fat off my legs, my stomach is getting smaller, I can fit in jeans that have not fitted for 2.5years and the shorts that did “fit” now produce less muffin top. My diet is not the best, and if I actually sorted it properly I’d probably have reached my goal already. But I like sweets 😊 and I’m making progress whilst enjoying my food.

I’m stronger than I’ve ever been (I think, I don’t really have any quantifiable measurements or past data to compare to) and feel relatively good about myself. So, I’m taking that as a win and I’m gonna eat some sweets I think.

Love you Monkey Housemate

[bearclarkkent]

Dad-Bod: Progress and the Lifestyle Change

I’ve been avoiding posting a progress picture for a while as I don’t think that I’ve really made that much. I’ve taken 3 pictures, trying to be as close as possible to the original images I took in September last year.

Yay leg dimples

Lost a bit of belly fat

Not sure if the love handles have changed but my arms feel bigger

So after looking at the images side by side I can see a little bit of progress, I’ve got dimples above my knees now, I’ve lost a little belly fat (a lot of leg fat) and my shoulders look like they’re finally starting to get a bit more defined. With that in mind, I’ll add that I’m still fluctuating between 88-90kg so I’ll continue disregarding the scales as they’re opinion means very little to me.

Apologies I’ve become a little obsessed with Rick and Morty in the last few weeks

Actually feels a good to have those progress pics up and side by side, I couldn’t really see any progress myself as I’ve probably been a little too focussed on my chest, which is the area I really want to change. Not the most fantastic progress for 5 months but it’s a marathon not a sprint, I’ll get there.

The biggest struggle, other than finding a workout routine, has been my diet. I like sweets, anyone who has lived with me or played online with me will probably know that I don’t mind chomping down on a big bar of Cadbury’s Whole Nut or some Fruit Gums, both accompanied by a Müller Corner (not the fruity ones). I drink a lot less beer than I used to, but that still makes an appearance at least once a week, more if it’s been a crappy week. But I think I’ve generally got my lunches and dinner down, except when I forget to make them or just order a pizza.

For me, diet has been/continues to be the hardest part of a lifestyle change, or whatever you want to call it, remembering to actually prep your lunches for the next day(s), making a healthy brekkie instead of a bowl of cereal and actually being bothered to cook dinner after you’ve got in from work, ran around after the monkey you have for a housemate and skyped your wife (amend these details as appropriate) just every now and again feels like a chore. It’s so much easier to just not, and sit down and order something. Although then you feel like a pig after ordering a pizza with chicken wings.

Luckily for me I have a brilliantly supportive wife who will just tell me to sack up and cook my dinner. Most of my dinners take about 20mins to prep and cook anyway so really I have no excuse.

I feel like most of my progress over the last few months has come since I’ve been able to actually find a workout plan that I can stick to. Only thing I can recommend is find something you enjoy and just stick to it. It doesn’t always have to just be the gym, find something that you can do for fun and stick with that. I would like to note that I do enjoy the gym, but I can’t stand being there longer than 45mins.

I wanna get in, get it done and get back out again. This is why I think I’m getting on so well with 5x5 Stronglifts – if anyone does decide to do this, definitely get the app. Nice and easy to keep track then.

Stronglifts has got me on the big boy weights now - just not many of them yet

I’m still pushing towards my goal of pecs by Tough Mudder (August 19th) – from my current progress I’m not sure how close I’ll get but we’ll just have to wait and see I suppose. If they suddenly sprout overnight I’ll keep you posted, but don’t hold your breath.

Love you little monkey housemate

[bearclarkkent]

Dad Bod and the Belated Update

There has been a bit of a delay between writing one blog post and the next, I blame not only Christmas but also life in general – having never really tried to write anything on a regular basis I’ve never really experienced writers block, and after only 3 posts that feels a bit off putting.

But for New Year’s I decided to make a resolution to get at least one post out a month (I know the first one is already late, not a great start but I’m getting the failures out the way early so that it’s nothing but smooth sailing from here) and to remember that this blog was originally intended to be a bit of self-motivation.

I was going to start with a progress pic, but I took one and felt a bit deflated by it – I don’t think I look any different to when I started, well that’s not entirely true I think that my arms have started to show some progress and I have shoulder muscles if I raise my arms, which is nice. But I just don’t think it’s picture worthy and I don’t want to have too many pics of me in my underwear floating around the internet (I know people have seen more of me but not all of you have been so traumatised yet)

So…no progress pics yet, but I’ve finally settled on what I’m doing on a regular basis at the gym and it is turning out to be quite fun. After weeks/months of struggling to find a workout routine that not only fits around me not wanting to be in the gym for more than 40mins but also actually feels like I’m making progress. It helps that there’s also an app to track what I’m doing and what I should be doing next time I go to the gym.

After being asked to help a friend start this routine at the gym, I hadn’t intended to start doing it myself was a bit of an accident, I started doing 5x5 Stronglifts (more in depth details are here). The idea is to get stronger, rather than just looking to bulk, by doing 2 different sets of exercises 3 times a week increasing the weight each time. It’s good if, like me, you don’t really know what your max weight is.

5 weeks in and I feel different, even if I don’t look any different.

I’m still struggling with my diet, but I love chocolate and sweet yoghurts. I have however fallen in love with my slow cooker over the last few weeks – slow cooked pulled pork/beef/chicken for lunch a few times a week is epic. That thing sat in my cupboard for years without being used more than a handful of times but now it’s found a permanent place next to the hob. I gotta say, if you want to start making healthier lunches but are as lazy as I am then invest in a slow cooker. Just chuck everything in when you’re cooking dinner then turn it off when you get up the next morning. Oh, and the smell when you come downstairs, ugh it’s the best.

I feel like I’m a bit all over the place with this post, hopping from one topic to the next after barely touching upon it – sorry if this reads like the jumbled thoughts of a 15-year-old boy but my mind wanders, can’t help it sometimes.

Anyway…

What else have I started doing since last I wrote…?

Ooh, I’m going to try the whole polyphasic sleeping thing again. It genuinely felt really good the last time I tried, but I think I need to get a bit of planning in place so that I can work it around my activities. Xbox Night will be a particular challenge as that incorporates Gym night. Hmmmm…

For those of you that don’t know what polyphasic sleeping is I’ll give a quick overview, but you should seriously head over here for some more detailed info. The average person in the UK will sleep between 7-9hours in one big chunk at night, this is monophasic sleeping.

Then you have Biphasic sleeping, this is supposedly more natural for humans. So, you sleep at dusk for your first chunk, wake for a few hours in the middle of the night, then sleep again and wake at dawn – average for biphasic sleepers is 6-8hours. An offshoot of this is Siesta Sleeping, still very common in Spain. Sleep at night, then a second sleep up to 90mins in the afternoon. Average for Siesta sleepers is from 5-7hours.

Then you get into Polyphasic, which has your sleep patterns broken up into more than 2 chunks and the overall length of your sleep is reduced – sometimes drastically. There are so many different polyphasic patterns that I’m not going to go into, but if you’re interested you should follow the link above.

I will be doing one of the simpler patterns which is the Everyman pattern. This will reduce my night sleep to 3-3.5hours with 2x 20mins naps during the day. Trying to fit this around seeing the wife, getting to the gym, looking after and playing with Kohen is going to be tricky so I think I may need to get some planning in place.

It sounds crazy trying to get down to 4hours sleep a day but I honestly feel like I’m hungover if I get too much – and 6+ hours is too much for me.

I don’t think there is anything else, so I’ll probably leave it here, grab a yoghurt and decide whether I should put one of my shows on or play on the Xbox

Hmmm…these are the tough decisions that come with living alone during the week.

[bearclarkkent]

The Wagon, Gravity and The Dad Bod

This last week was a difficult one for me, I had a little boy who was teething (although only getting upset between 12:30-3am), I was separated from my wife on her birthday for the first time in 12 years and I didn’t get to the gym or the climbing wall, which made me feel super lazy.

To say I fell off the wagon would be an understatement, it’s probably more accurate to say this week I took a running jump and tried to do a flip off the back of said wagon. My diet, usually steak or chicken with rice or veggies for dinner, mainly consisted of pizza, takeaway, restaurant food and chocolate (my biggest weakness)

However, unlike past efforts, instead of wallowing and letting this get me down I’ve decided to accept that small failures are part of the process. I fell…now it is time to get up and start again.

With that in mind, I decided last week to pick myself up by getting my Tough Mudder 2017 ticket purchased and setting my new body goal of “Pecs by Tough Mudder” – admittedly I am not off to the best start as chest work is where I’m struggling the most, but I’m hoping determination and actually figuring out days each week I can regularly get to the gym might start to help with this.

I’m thinking it may be time to buy a gym buddy (AKA personal trainer) for a session just to try to help me figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Just a bit of proof that I actually go climbing...clearly not very high though

Anyway, as it was supposed to be a new start I decided to do something, more so out of curiosity than anything else, and I went and weighed myself for the first time since May/June. Back then I was just getting started at the gym and thought it’d be important to keep an eye on my weight and I was pretty much bang on 90kg (roughly 14st 2lbs), knowing my previous weight I stepped on the scales and my current weight actually made me chuckle a bit. I haven’t cared about my weight in months, and stepping on those scales thankfully hasn’t changed that.

So last week I step on the scales to find out that I now, after months at the gym and going climbing, weight exactly 90kg – I can see now why some people get disheartened with the gym when things like this happen and is one reason why I just don’t bother weighing myself. I don’t have a target weight, I’m not a professional sports personality whose weight is important, I’m just a guy trying to change how he looks and feels about his own body.

I don’t like weighing myself mainly because I don’t see that it’s important at all, not for me anyway. See, the scales won’t tell me how good I feel after a gym session, or how I’ve now managed to fit into a pair of jeans I’ve not been able to wear for over a year because I couldn’t actually do the top button up (or if I did I spilled out like a Costa Blueberry Muffin – another weakness of mine), or that those same jeans 2 weeks after realising they fit now need a belt, but most of all stepping on the scales and seeing that number didn’t change after months of effort certainly didn’t make me feel any better about myself (it didn’t make me feel worse either, but I don’t care about it so it shouldn’t)

Don’t get me wrong, I think weight loss can be a great starting point but I don’t think it should be the end goal. It’s just an arbitrary number that represents one aspect of you, at that exact point of the day. Your weight can fluctuate up to 5lbs throughout the day, that doesn’t mean that you’ll have gained 5lbs of fat/muscle or lost that much that’s not going to happen (I’m not sure it’s possible without cutting off part of your foot).

Your goal should change after you’ve hit your target, and then it should change again after that target, even when you’re happy with yourself you shouldn’t just stagnate you should push past what you are and be better. What you shouldn’t be is tied to a number that represents your relationship with gravity.

Because as we all know…gravity is a heartless bitch!

[bearclarkkent]

Modern Parenting and the Dad Bod

Until very recently my wife and I have had what is probably considered a semi-standard family dynamic for young parents with a 1 year old. We’re both grateful that we have an income meaning that we can have one parent working full time and one parent living as a stay at home parent.

That was until my wife decided to return to work, “But Paul, how does this affect your workout regime?” I hear you cry – well quite simply it has changed everything, this is because my wife is now working in Bolton whilst I live in Bulkington with my little one. For those not in the know, that is 120 miles or 2-2.5 hours of driving if the traffic isn’t too bad on the M6, M60 & M62.

This has meant that my evening jaunts to the gym 3 times a week with a weekly trip to the Warwick Uni Climbing Wall have to either take a back seat or will involve some careful planning. I decided on the latter because I am determined to shift this weight and start getting in shape.

Unfortunately though, as with everything a compromise has had to take place, gym visits are down to 2 days a week with 1 visit to the climbing wall (it’s too much fun to stop). I have been living this routine for the last 2 weeks and I have to say, it is not only emotionally but physically hard work. I work about 45 hours per week and Kohen goes to Nursery for 3 days with his Grandma and Granny picking up the slack for 2 days. If it wasn’t for these 2 women I would have cancelled my gym membership already and been trying to find out ways to get to the climbing wall without missing any time with my wife – so big love goes out to these 2 fantastic ladies. They have agreed to take the little one for extra time after I finish work on the days they have him so that I can get an hour at the gym or a couple of hours climbing. The 3rd session is planned for every Sunday before wife and baby are awake (so about 5-6am).

The longest period of time the wife and I have spent apart in the last 12 years is 4 days when going on hen/stag do’s – so there’s always a gap between. For the last 2 weeks it’s been Sunday evening to Friday evening apart, during the week I’m living the life of a single dad (who video chats with his wife on a nightly basis and doesn’t have a Tinder account, so not really the same but it’s as close as I can imagine) who gets the weekend off.

I tip my hat to every single-parent out there, and on top of this I think every single-parent who still finds the time to go to the gym or do whatever extra activity they do to stay/get in shape is absolutely heroic. Without having my wife to talk to daily and having the weekend to see her I don’t think I could do any of this.

The only part of this process that has gotten easier is probably my diet, if you live with someone else you have to take into account their dietary needs and what they like to eat. I think my wife would hate to each what I’ve been eating, not because it’s not tasty but because she craves variety in her food. My diet is now a combination of grilled chicken breast or steak, rice or noodles, baby broccoli, chorizo, occasionally chopped tomatoes and maybe the occasional pot noodle when I get lazy re: work lunch. This limit of food would drive her mad and she would be bored of this food within a week. Food for me is now fuel, and I if it takes longer than 20mins to prep and cook I’m not interested.

Ignore the Daffy Duck Trousers - they’re too awesome for this blog

My gym time over the last 2 weeks has been pitifully low, out of 3 potential jaunts I have been to 1. The first Sunday sesh didn’t happen because I couldn’t tear myself away from my family, I wanted to squeeze every second out of my first weekend back together with my wife, and an unexpected meeting meant I didn’t get home until after my agreed gym time. Hopefully next week will a lot more successful, starting with tomorrow’s super early gym time.

I have very little energy; I keep falling asleep on the sofa and waking up at 2am and heading to bed for 3 hours kip before my day starts again; the boy is working hard to stress me out every morning with his screaming (I assume he’s just not happy to be up so early – a banana usually helps calm him down though) and most of the time; work is getting very busy; and sometimes it feels like I’m not doing a great job as a dad.

However, my boy is (generally) happy and healthy and he brightens my day whenever he smiles (which is almost constantly); my wife is working in a job she loves and is also really happy; despite all the extra responsibility I’m happy, I am spending more time with my boy and I managed to get into a pair of jeans last week that haven’t fit for about a year.

I take all of that as a win and I feel truly blessed to have the support around me that I do, next step is getting my gym time back on track.

I’m gonna make you proud buddy

[bearclarkkent]

The Journey away from Dad Bod

I have never really been one for documenting my thoughts, the whole process of writing creatively has always eluded me, but it’s something I’ve wanted to try and do for a long time.

I tried when I was younger to keep a journal, but I quickly realised that I had nothing interesting to say: Day 1 – I went to school again, I played Pokémon in the playground again. Lessons were uneventful, as usual, then I went to Dave’s house to piss about and play on Playstation.

Day 2 ad infinitum – see above

It’s not like I was ever bored, life is just not that interesting or worth documenting when you’re that little, and honestly this is probably not going to be that interesting to 99% of people but I’ll be using this as a motivator to try to get away from the a problem that has plagued me longer than I’ve actually had a son

DAD BOD!!!

For those that aren’t aware (as I wasn’t until recently), the Dad Bod is supposedly the latest body trend. No more aspiring to the Adonis-esque heights of Chris Hemsworth, pecs? Pah who wants those? 6-pack? Pffffft you’ve gotta be kidding. The best quote I’ve been able to describe the Dad Bod comes from Mackenzie Pearson, a 19 year old Clemson University sophomore who wrote an essay called “Why Girls Love the Dad Bod” – her description of the Dad Bod goes: The dad bod is a nice balance between a beer gut and working out. The dad bod says, ‘I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time.’

I feel less Jon Hamm...

...and more Adam Sandler

Personally I hate my Dad Bod, I look in the mirror and I just feel a little bit gross, my belly folds the waistband of my boxers over, my chest is shapeless, I have almost zero muscle over my shoulders and my arms feels like 2 parts of a sausage string with a hand at the end. The only part I’m genuinely happy with are my legs, they’ve always been naturally quite big with only a small layer of fat around my quads.

The last 12 or so years have been filled with me dressing so that, hopefully, you can’t see my gut. 12 years of holding my stomach muscles so that I appear a little bit slimmer. 12 years of lying to myself and everyone around me. 12 years of not really putting too much effort into my health. I’d go running for a few weeks, then that would peter out, or I’d go the gym for a few months without any real plan and nothing would change, but mostly I’d play Xbox, drink a lot of alcohol and eat crap.

But after seeing pictures from an Obstacle Course where my concentration was less on my gut and more on the Gladiators style Travelator, I was more than a little bit grossed out. I laughed it off, as I usually do, but I was quite embarrassed by what I saw.

I’ve just turned 30 so I think now is as good a time as any to get into shape for the first time in my life and set an example for my little boy to look up to (he just turned 14months old this week).

As I said, I’m hoping to use this blog to record my progress and use as a motivator of sorts. I fully expect to be the only person to read this, as I said my life just isn’t that interesting that other people would want to read about it on a regular basis.

So I’ve been going to the gym on and off for the last few months and I don’t feel like I’ve achieved anything (as you can see from above) other than a few achey mornings.

I’m worried that this is starting to sound a bit gloomy, but I’m super positive that I can turn it around and get myself into the shape that I want to be in.

This is going to be hard and it’s going to take a while to turn it around, but I’m determined to make my little guy proud!

I’m gonna make you proud buddy.

[legendsofthegoldenage-blog]

This is a question I’ve seen bandied around the internet quite recently in varying forms, Can a Supergirl TV Show be successful without Superman? Will it be any good without Superman? Something something something Superman?!?!?!

And honestly, I have been a bit sceptical about the whole thing and...