This is not going be to be my usual kind of post. Iām not writing much, if anything, about exercise today and itāll be more about the Dad side of things. Just a heads up.
This Monday (15th Oct) is the culmination of Baby Loss Awareness Week, sounds a bit moot when you've not gone through it I reckon. Everyone is away that people lose babies, right? Everyone knows that miscarriages happen, don't they? The do, or at least I think they do.
However, I donāt think everyone is aware of exactly how often it happens. I donāt think everyone knows how devastating something like this is, even if it happens early in the pregnancy.
Honestly, Iām not sure how many people Iāve told, or who Wife has spoken to about this, but this Monday weāll be lighting 2 candles for our lost children. Last year over a 6 month period we lost 2 children, both miscarriages (such a horrible word) happened before the 9 week mark.
It was at this time that I found out just how crazily common this actually is, 1 in 4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. 25%...thatās insane! And the craziest part is that no-one really knows why. There are some hypotheses that are being investigated, some drugs that have the potential to increase those odds but nothing concrete. I mean, 75% chance of success is pretty good for most things. But if you were doing something risky, like running across a roof and there was a gap for you to jump, and someone told you there was a 25% chance that you were not going to make it over the gap, would you jump? Youād at least pause first right?
Iām not saying this to be pessimistic, or to try to put people off trying for kids because kids are great (mostly). My boy has brought a joy to our lives we didnāt realise we were missing, every day I just wanna spend time with him and watch him learn, laugh and play.
But I miss our other 2, every day.
I think āWhat ifā¦?ā
I wonder what they wouldāve been like, who they were going to become, how they would have impacted our lives. Would we be living where we are now? Would I be doing what Iām doing? What would my boy be like with them? Would he like having a little brother/sister? Would he be happier? Would he be sadder? How would he have changed? How is he different to how he couldāve been?
There are times when I feel lost within all of it. When I feel alone in my grief, not because Iām not supported by my fantastic Wife, but because I donāt know anyone else to talk to about it.
Obviously, me and Wife talk about it, but thatās not spreading the burden of grief really. Weāre both grieving the loss, we both miss them together. But it feels like weāve locked ourselves into a bubble of grief, and it doesnāt go away. Not really, not like when you lose someone that has impacted a load of other people, the grief can kinda spread thin then. Everyone takes a little bit and you know that they at least get it, they know this person was important andā¦I dunno, I justā¦how do you even begin to articulate how this tiny thing, this bean sized thing has already had a huge impact on your life.
Itās not just the experiences we have, because all weāve had with them is sadness, it was the potential they had to change our world. The impact of this tiny thing, this microscopic ball of concentrated joy, is tremendous even before theyāre free and out in the world. They change how you think, without you even realising it. Us and We immediately start to include them, your plans start shifting because well, we canāt live apart forever, and I am just about coping with the one awesome dude by myself during the week, 2 would be impossible. How do you get across to people who didnāt know who this baby was how much it means now that theyāre gone? Especially when you donāt know if theyāve been through the same thing themselves.
And therein lies the problem, we donāt talk about it. We know that it happens to people, but people doesnāt mean us. It doesnāt mean our friends and family, right?
Itās fine, just try again.
Itās fine, you probably just needed to rest a bit more.
Itās fine, itāll happen.
Itās fine, I mean, youāve already had one, so itāll definitely happen again.
Itās fineā¦let me stop you right there. Itās not. Itās really not. Thank you for being supportive, but fine is everything it is not. If anyone has said anything of these things to me and Wife, just a note that this is not aimed at you. I donāt really remember if anyone has said any of them, but I know before this happened to me I thought them.
I thought that itās the most natural thing in the world, having a baby. Weāve been doing it for millions of years and we have got to have got really good at it. It totally has to be as safe and super successful, right? RIGHT?!?! 25% chance.
During all 3 pregnancies, I felt almost unimportant in the whole thing. Again, not by you Wife, you made me feel connected. Lay there whilst I read Discworld to my boy before he was born. Let me just try to contribute as much as possible to the whole thing. Obviously, I get that women carrying the baby feel an almost supernatural connection to the baby, but surely that means that more work needs to be done to help your partner in this, this babyās father/2nd momma who doesnāt have a direct physical connection to them, become close.
Through the whole process of pregnancy, I felt almost disregarded. Questions were always asked about how Wife was. Howās she coping? Howās she doing? What does sheā¦? How is sheā¦? When does sheā¦? I mean, donāt get me wrong, I was happy to answer all these questions.
In the hospital, every single time, I was filled with excitement, dread, joy, adrenalineā¦lots of adrenaline. During the first pregnancy, those feelings were always tempered by relief. Everything is fine (it really was). But 2nd and 3rd, so much hope was dashed each time. World turned upside-down, super emotional, adrenaline again and pain. Almost physical, palpable pain. Then numb whilst we listen to the nurse talk. Mostly to Wife, but I got some acknowledgement.
3rd pregnancyā¦the same. Gut wrenching, I feel like Iām going to be sick pain, right in the pit of your stomach. Being prepared for it didnāt help. Because you think youāre prepared, but youāre not. This time I was not even mentioned, I donāt remember her even looking at me. She barely had any emotion in her voice when she was talking to Wife and I could see how much that was hurting her. There was zero empathy coming from this woman, and it felt like I didnāt matter.
With not knowing if any of my close friends had been through this, Iām sure a lot of them have, I didnāt and still donāt know who to talk to. So, Iām kind of baring my soul with this, hoping itāll help me feel better and let others know that Bob Hoskins was right, itās good to talk.
2 candles on Monday to remember our 2 little ones who are no longer with us, but they wonāt ever be forgotten.
Iām not sure if auditioning for Spider-Man or Assassinās Creed - either way this boy is awesome and the light of my life.