To my fellow liberal white people â
      It is not enough to be a silent supporter â to be an ally in mindset but not in action. It is no longer enough (if it ever was) to surround yourself with like-minded people and feel okay about it because at least you are not part of the problem. Hereâs the cold truth: by remaining complacent, by not doing the difficult work of communicating with people with different perspectives from you, you are part of the problem.
      If we look at that millennial voting map thatâs going around, and we assume that most of those millennials who didnât vote believe in tolerance and equal opportunity, then we have hope. But we also have a responsibility. If indeed there is a huge divide in ideology between the young voters and the older voters in our country, then we have a responsibility to find ways to understand and to make ourselves understood by our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and everyone in between.
      I am guilty of sheltering myself from my Trump-supporting family and Facebook friends. I am guilty of removing friends from social media who disagree with me, because I felt I could not stand to hear/read about support for a man who seems to me so blatantly anti-human â someone who spews so much hatred. And so instead of attempting to engage in an open-minded, compassionate discussion with those who disagree with me, I turned my head; I looked away.
      Now is no longer the time to look away.
      We have a responsibility to attempt to have compassionate conversations with those who disagree with us â especially when they are our relatives. I do not believe that social media is the platform where we will come to understand one another â where we will have compassionate dialogue and return to seeing one another as fellow humans deserving of respect. I think that the work must be done face-to-face, and one-on-one. We must sit down with our relatives and friends and ask them questions, and remain peaceful as they answer. We must drop our defenses and be truly willing to listen to their suffering, pain, and discontent (even â and especially â when our gut reaction is to find their personal experiences of suffering as invalid or inconsequential).
      It will take incredible strength and patience, but these are the challenging virtues that our times require of us. Many of us will fail at changing our relativesâ minds, but changing othersâ minds should not be the goal; the goal should be to find ways to listen better â to open more opportunities for understanding each other. And for all of us who fail to see any tangible results from our efforts, there will be that many of us or more who succeed. I think we will all be surprised at what can happen when defenses are dropped and people can speak openly about why they are hurt, why they are suffering, why they are afraid.
      We must not let violence perpetuate more violence. We must not allow ourselves to be consumed by the hatred we proclaim to detest. Yes, horrible hate-speech has been spewed by our president-elect, and that hate speech has inspired so many more to commit horrible crimes against women, minorities, and gay people. Yes, we should be angry. Yes, we must stand up against injustice. But we must do it out of love and not out of hate. We must not allow the country to succeed in dividing us into âus versus themâ; we must put in the time, do the work, take positive action, and listen to one another.
      I think about the team building class I teach 4th and 5th graders. I think about how itâs almost inevitable that they will get upset with one another â that they will yell at each other, that they will get frustrated, that some of them will want to quit. And when they do get frustrated, I tell them that itâs okay to be frustrated. I tell them that itâs hard to work as a team, and I ask them to voice why they are frustrated without pointing blame at any one person. I explain that if we can talk about why weâre frustrated, we can figure out ways to work better in the future.
      When they yell over one another, so eager to share their own ideas that they canât hear the ideas of their neighbors, I suggest that one of them becomes the facilitator â one of them steps up to be the leader of the discussion. That child who steps forward doesnât become a leader in the sense of supporting her own selfish interest, but as someone who can allow each member of the group with an idea to be heard. When a student does become a facilitator in this way, the group is often able to realize that many of them had the same idea all along. Even where thereâs difference in opinion, theyâre able to consider other options with an open mind; when one plan fails, theyâre usually quick to amend their plans and try the other ideas. They build off one another.
      All this to say: itâs inevitable that we will get frustrated with one another, but it does not have to be âus versus themâ. We can listen to each other with open minds. We can, and I think must, come to each other and show each other our wounds. But before we do that, we must look at our own wounds. We must come to terms with what we have done and what we have not done; what has been done to us and what is left unforgiven.
If you are angry â good. Do not allow anyone to tell you that you should not be angry, that you are being dramatic, that you should get over it. But find a way to funnel it into something that makes a difference. We must refuse to be complacent. Nothing is going to change until we make it change. In dark times, we must bring the light.
-Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Shea Conlan
P.S. If you need some help as you decide to begin having those difficult discussions, I highly recommend the book âThe Art of Communicatingâ by the Buddhist Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh. It is a wonderful tool that is invaluable in this time, and it provides concrete instruction on how to have these difficult conversations.
P.P.S. I would be more than happy to have a conversation about this. Please feel free to contact me and please, please share this with people who you think can use it.
