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In heat, bitch let me bust one // 20

[bearsatdafair5]

A mothers love will transcend planes of reality.

No matter how far you run, it’ll always tear the heart out.

The scream of a mother who just lost her son, and the only number she could call was mine.

She apologized for taking up the line, as if her emergency wasn’t important.

I took the time to listen after I transferred her to the right agency, her sobbing imbedded into my brain.

A mother’s love will always find you.

[bearsatdafair5]

What’s the sacrifice for peace?

A few ounces of bourbon brings the emotion thick and heavy upon my body.

I search for answers between melodies, like between the lyrics and notes there lies the answer to life.

I wish I could go back when the only worry I had was homework and juvenile problems. Back when I could lay with my mother in her cozy bed.

[achillesinhighheels]

[bearsatdafair5]

I forgot how vulnerable grief makes you

[bearsatdafair5]

I count satellites instead of shooting stars, wishing on each one that it’s you.

A year before this, I had memorized the cadence of the machines. The melody of your breathing.

Now I stare up at moon wondering why reality comes crashing down. Unwanted.

I could’ve lost him too. The same night you fell asleep and never woke up, lead fell near his feet, smoke curled around him.

Could you imagine? An orphan on the same day, just a year apart.

I met someone you saved the other day. “You look just like her, you’re going to save so many people.”

I’m sure I will, I just couldn’t save the one person who mattered most.

We’ve got no idea what we’ve got until it’s lost. And no amount of love will keep it around.

[bearsatdafair5]

I wonder how long I’ll stay upon this carved up path

How long my mother’s torch of life will be burned on my skin

How long I’ll stay in the desert that she hated

How long I’ll stay with the man she loved and his new family

How long I’ll stay following the drawings of things she loved upon the canyon walls

How long will it be until I find who I am

[bearsatdafair5]

The irony is not lost on me.

Loose lips sink ships, but I was never into battleship. Only companionship.

I feel like an island again, like a lighthouse for the emotionally immature.

One more death to add to my list, another numb day to feel.

I forget how vast the sky is when stars are visible, like hope is available but only when I seek.

The irony is not lost on me.

[bearsatdafair5]

And then I’m suffocated under rage disguised as self sacrifice

[bearsatdafair5]

Ba ba black sheep, could you be anymore weirder? Shuffling quietly and holding onto the hyperactive hound as a family who you’ve begun to lose speaks of quiet memories. Buried in the cold ground, your latch people are gone. So dig your fingers into the dogs fur a little deeper and hide your tears until you leave because vulnerability has never been a family trait.

[signedthemoon]

— isa b. i hold onto hope

[bearsatdafair5]

Lost down a path of uncharacteristic self destruction.

My aunt and I argued about God again.

Inherently goodness in us all, it just gets dulled every so often.

What brings us back?

[bearsatdafair5]

The guilt sticks to my ribs, a carrion I hold everyday that stops me.

I wish I was brave like my grandmother stealing cigarettes in the fourth grade.

I wish I was brave enough to show the vulnerability of being independent.

[bearsatdafair5]

Clawing until the darkness fades

I see your face in the moon

“And time goes by so slowly”

Sickly pale and hollow cheeks, I meet you in passing

Unfairness sinks into guilt so deep it aches

[bearsatdafair5]

The optimism feels fake, like some artificial honey dripping from my sharp teeth.

My tongue sweet but with a bitter taste if you examine it too long.

I don’t realize how much it sticks, till my fingers stick when the bear comes around.

[bearsatdafair5]

I didn’t realize how far it would carry. Lingering like a ball and chain, this grief.

I guess for the first year, I figured she was on a trip like she always was. Even though I watched them close the noisy casket.

Now I see her in everything. The beverages she used to drink, the flowers she was named after, and the haunting image of my father realizing I’m my mother’s daughter.

[bearsatdafair5]

An Open Call

If someone asked me if I believed in God, I would tell them about an open call.

The type where no rings can be heard, but the feeling of being heard after addressing Him.

Letting the silence of a long day drag until the claw of emotions strains. Eyes damp with a thick throat, a heavy dread on my chest, and the unspoken words of what it means.

Till it pulls the grief out. 

[valkyrie059]

Minotaur

I’m a minotaur in a maze, forever trying walls that will never break, forever roaming the walls of my own confines. My maze was made up of paper walls, but they’ve grown into stones that I've designed. My body breaks as I fight against the unmoving nature, never pivoting, never ceasing to forget that another path lies down the way. The maze once held drawings from my childhood, stories i’d never forget, slowly the moss and ivy covered up the colors, a dull grey and green spread. Eventually the spirits of those who’d cheer me on would be gone, haunting dark corners of disappointment. I gaze up at the dark sky and jewels, wishing on every pass of falling debris for a map. Until I come up with my own map, or I shall die upon the hallways of stone cultivated by own mind.