Beating the Bipolar Beast @beatingthebipolarbeast - Tumblr Blog

Depression and Anxiety Just Suck!

I have been taking different meds on and off for my depression and anxiety since 2000. I have also seen therapists on and off since then. It has just been in the last year that I have finally taken my mental health seriously though.

I realized that I have gone through so much. Getting out of a marriage where I was called a fat, ugly bitch over three times a week and getting choked up against a wall. To dealing with a Bipolar fiancé that has a past of cheating, including prostitutes and abuse. Not to mention my three girls. Yes, three girls. Matt and I welcomed baby Victoria Lee on May 13, 2019. She is beautiful just like her two older sisters.

I got to a point where I couldn’t deal with things anymore. I have never been suicidal, but I have been really depressed and anxious. So, I decided to go to the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) at Prairie St. John’s in Fargo. I have done this program two other times, but never finished. This time I am finishing and learning from the groups and other people in the program.

A few things that I have learned is that it is not my fault that Matt cheats. That is on him. His own therapist called him a sociopath. Last week he told me that it was my fault because I don’t sleep in the same bed as him. We have a two month old that needs to be cared for! I was proud of myself though because I told him that his behaviors were on him and not on me and that he wasn’t going to turn the situation around to make me look like the bad guy. Thank You therapy!

I have also learned that I need to take care of me. It is OK to ask for a break or go do something that I enjoy. It isn’t always about Matt or the kids. I have to take some time for myself also.

I have also met a lot of fantastic people through my time at PHP that just “get it.” Not all people understand mental illness and the debilitating effects that it has on people.

I also was diagnosed with PTSD while at PHP, along with my Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The PTSD stems from my past abuse and the constant worry of Matt cheating on me. I shouldn’t have to feel like I am “second best.”

I am also on a new medication and one of the dosages on my other medication was upped. I will also be going to therapy once a week for the next month or so and then probably every other week after that.

I have a long ways to go and depression and anxiety will always be a part of my life, but I think that I am on the right path now.

Rollercoaster

These last few months have been a rollercoaster! I decided to leave my job at USPS on 02/16/18. It was a tough decision, but ultimately I think everything will work out for the best. So in the meantime I am getting unemployment benefits. That is really nice because I can be a little bit more picky on what jobs that I apply for.

Matt and I went to Isla Mujeres, Mexico at the end of March. The sun, the ocean, the food - everything was SO awesome! I want to go back now! It is April 17 and there is still snow on the ground in MN. Thankfully, it is supposed to be nicer soon!

Matt is doing well with his DJ business. He has a lot of weddings lined up for this summer/fall. He is going to try and get a karaoke show or two in the Fargo/Moorhead area to get him through the winter months.

Other than that, I am just looking forward to warmer weather and green grass! Is green grass too much to ask for? I continuously ask myself why I live here. Ugh!

#greengrass #warmerweather #snowinApril #rollercoaster #missingMexico

Nightmare Before Christmas!

What a month and a half it has been! Matt decided without consulting me first that he would audition and take a lead part in the Fargo Moorhead Community Theatre Production of “The 1940’s Radio Hour.” Charlotte and I did go and see it last Saturday. The cast did a great job and it is funny. Boy, am I glad that it is over tomorrow though! The girls and I have called the musical “The Nightmare Before Christmas” the last few weeks now. Matt is really bad at doing things on impulse because of his Bipolar Disorder. He auditioned for the musical without talking to me about it. I was really upset about this. So, we went to our therapist. Matt said that he wanted to do the production because he played the same part in High School. I said that I didn’t want him doing the production because we would be losing over $700 from missed DJ shows, the girls would miss him because he wouldn’t be around 80% of the time, he wouldn’t see his boys for over three weeks, I was pretty immobile because of a knee injury and my work at the post office in December is crazy! Our therapist agreed with me and told us that it was great that Matt auditioned for the part to see if he still “had it,” but that he probably shouldn’t take the part. What does he go and do? He takes the part! I was not and still am not impressed that he did take it. It was an extremely selfish move on his part! Luckily, there are only two shows left and I survived the whole ordeal. Matt has admitted that it was selfish on his part and even posted on Facebook and told his cast members that he didn’t even discuss it with me before auditioning. He said that he won’t audition for any more shows before talking to me about it first. It hurt a lot that he was so selfish. His sisters think it was great that he is doing something that he loves, even though it hurt me and cost us a lot. They don’t know the whole story though. Matt and I have discussed it, had our fights about it and now can put it in our past. Needless to say, “The Nightmare Before Christmas” is almost over!!

Still Gettin' On

Wow, over three years now since Matt was in the ICU/hospital for Neuroleptic malignant syndrome (NMS) is a rare, but life-threatening, idiosyncratic reaction to neuroleptic medications that is characterized by fever, muscular rigidity, altered mental status, and autonomic dysfunction. NMS often occurs shortly after the initiation of neuroleptic treatment, or after dose increases.

I always knew that mental health was a taboo topic, but I guess I never really knew how taboo it was until I went through all of this. It seems like everyone has an opinion about everything. It is sad that if someone has cancer or is involved in a horrific car accident, that there are go fund me accounts set up almost instantly, but if someone is in the ICU/hospital for depression, anxiety, Bipolar Disorder or any other mental illness, no one wants to even talk about it. I remember setting up a go fund me account for Matt and one of his relatives "scolded" me for sharing it to his Facebook page because we were "begging" for money. Needless to say, Matt doesn't have much contact with that relative anymore. I just want people to know that mental illness is a disease just like cancer or diabetes and people with mental illness shouldn't be treated like a piece of garbage,

It is hard for me to talk about how Matt has treated me at times, how he has treated his family at times; or should I say, how mental illness has treated me and how mental illness has effected his family. It has not always easy. There was a point of time where I was so depressed that I barely got out of bed. I would lay in bed with my cell phone and barely moved. Mental illness has almost destroyed our family on more than one occasion.

So, this is what I ask of people today.

1. Be nice. You don't always know what your co-worker, cashier, stranger on the street or even your best friend is going through. All it takes is one smile or one hello to change a persons day from a negative to a positive.

2. Don't judge. There are always two sides to every story and if you don't know both sides of the story, who are you to judge? I will personally leave that one up to God.

3. Support your loved ones and friends that have mental health issues. Ask them if they are OK. Ask them what has been going well in their lives, ask them what hasn't been going well in their lives. It is OK to ask questions.

#beatingthebipolarbeast #benice #dontjudge #supportforMI

beatingthebipolarbeast

These last couple of months have been rough. I have been dealing with really bad depression. The kind of depression where you just don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Things are starting to look better though. Matt is working a PT job at a call center, DJing on the weekends and is going...

Letting Go

These last couple of months have been rough. I have been dealing with really bad depression. The kind of depression where you just don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Things are starting to look better though. Matt is working a PT job at a call center, DJing on the weekends and is going to start working at a radio station every other Saturday to get his foot in the door. He has been going to his doctor's and counseling appointments and seems to be doing really well. With any of you that have Bipolar friends or relatives, you know to cherish these good times, because it can end with a drop of a hat. It is sad that I live that way, but I am hopeful that there are many good days ahead rather than not so good days.

I myself have actually been going to counseling to try and deal with my depression and I got some of the best advice at my last session. Matt was actually at the session with me, so it was very nice because he got to hear this also. The advice is to "Let It Go." I cannot like how someone deals with problems or how someone parents, just as someone cannot like how I deal with problems or how I parent. We cannot control how other people do things. People can agree to disagree and move forward. Carrying a grudge or ill will just drags a person down into depression into a place that probably most of us don't want to be in. So, yes, it bothers me when people say or do certain things, but I need to just "Let It Go." I have felt so much better after that counseling session. I actually feel free of the negative feelings that I have had and I am just moving forward. Matt and I have a renewed love and respect for each other because of this, Our physical, emotional and spiritual relationships are at one of the best places that they have been at in a long time. We love each other very much and as we always like to say, it is all of us or none of us or none of us. So, just "Let It Go," believe me, you will feel better because of it!

beatingthebipolarbeast

It has been awhile since I have written and I feel it is time for another entry. To preserve my own sanity at the very least.

Matt was in the hospital overnight last week. He was dealing with some depression issues and it was decided that he start going to partial treatment again for his Bipolar...

My beautiful family!

I really dislike fake people!

It has been awhile since I have written and I feel it is time for another entry. To preserve my own sanity at the very least. Matt was in the hospital overnight last week. He was dealing with some depression issues and it was decided that he start going to partial treatment again for his Bipolar Disorder. While he was at the hospital, a relative came to visit him. I was with Matt all day in the ER, while tests were being run and when they moved him to his room. When this relative came, I got the "death glare" and was expected to leave immediately. Being the stubborn person that I am, I stuck around for another 20-30 minutes until I had to go and pick up my daughter. I was not the reason that Matt was in the hospital and why should I have to leave just because you grace us with your presence? When I got back to the hospital, I was told by Matt that this relative told him that she didn't like me, she didn't want to like me and that Matt had options. Guess what, I have options also! So, Matt was released from the hospital the next day. I ended up getting a nasty stomach flu so Matt was checking my messages. This same relative that was so rude to me at the hospital texted and was all nicey nice wanting Christmas ideas for my girls. What the heck?! If there is one thing that I have learned throughout my years, is that I am not going to be fake. I don't know why people act the way that they do or say what they do, but I am going to tell you how I feel. It might not always be what a person wants to hear, but at least I am not fake! I know that this situation is difficult for Matt, but it is difficult on me also. I am the one who has applied for SSI, SSDI and other benefits, I am the one who follows up on all of this, I am the one that has paid Matt's bills and put up with a lot of crap. All I want in return is a thank you and a little respect. Instead, what do I get? A bunch of fake people who are scared to talk about what is going on. Well, I am not changing for anyone, so these people can just continue to be fake.

beatingthebipolarbeast

Matt does...

beatingthebipolarbeast

My newest blog entry!

Normalcy!

So sorry that it has been so long since I last wrote. Things have been crazy like usual! Matt FINALLY got released from the hospital on August 18. It was a little ironic, because his Grandma Grace passed away on the same day. After two more weeks of partial treatment, Matt is back home! Matt does not remember the months of June or July and parts of May and August. That is probably a good thing. His memory is spotty and he lost around 70 pounds. He is just skinny now! The way that he lost the weight was not herby though and he should have followed doctor recommendations. Always listen to your doctor! So much of this situation could have been avoided if Matt would have just listened to his doctor! He knows that now though and hopefully it was a tough lesson learned. We are getting back in the swing of things. We just got Matt's healthcare directive done. I wanted to strangle some of the nurses, doctors and social workers that just put me off when Matt was sick. The social worker even told Matt's mom to tell me to quit calling her with questions! It was just ridiculous! I am now the "to-go" person. If Matt should ever get that sick again, I will not be put off this time! Everything is right in writing so that I am not treated that poorly again. Matt is very thankful for everything that I did and do for him. He calls me his rock. We have very much been enjoying time with each other and the girls! We know that we will have more challenges down the road, but for now it is very nice to have some normalcy back in our lives!

Tired, Just Tired

Tired doesn't even begin to explain how I have felt these last couple of weeks. Matt was brought to the Sanford ER because some of his blood levels were elevated. It ends up that he has Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome. Basically in a nut shell, when he was at Prairie St. John's, they overdosed him on antipsychotics. So he was in Sanford Hospital for about five days and then was sent to Sanford Psychiatric for one day. He then was brought back to Sanford Hospital because his blood levels were high again.

It is all so frustrating because it just seems like Matt is getting tossed from one place to another. Now there are talks about Matt going down to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. The Mayo Clinic is one of the best hospitals in the world and I believe that Matt would have good care there, it is just that Rochester is about 5-6 hours away. Even though Matt and I haven't spent any quality time together in over 40 days now, him being that far away from home just makes me really nervous. I won't be able to just go to the hospital to be with him or help with decisions in regards to his care. I found out this week that I really don't have a say in decisions in regards to his care though. Even though, I am the one person in this world that knows pretty much everything that has been going on since this all started. It is what it is though. When Matt gets well and out of the hospital we will get it down on paper that I will be a part of the decision making process.

Ultimately, I just want Matt well right now. I am so tired of taking one step forward and five steps back. I was physically sick this past week. I had a stuffed up nose, a fever and back and body pain. Some people do not totally understand what I have been going through. Matt is my fiancée, my partner, my lover and one of by best friends. I understand that other people are struggling with Matt being sick, but no one can really say that they have been in my shoes. I just want to bring Matt home and get into some sort of routine. Matt has missed my birthday, Father's Day and the 4th of July now. Harmony's birthday is on August 12. I pray that Matt will be out of the hospital by then. It will just about kill Matt if he misses his baby girls first birthday. So right now, I am just tired on oh so many levels!

People Pleasing

Matt always tells me, "honey, you cannot please everyone." It is the truth, I don't like confrontation and I like to make people happy. I am ruffling feathers right now by writing this blog and by posting on Facebook.

Yesterday, I posted on Facebook that I was frustrated that Matt was still in the hospital and that I was hoping to catch a break soon. Matt's mom asked me to not post personal information on Facebook. I am not embarrassed that Matt is in the hospital for a manic episode. I wouldn't be embarrassed if he was in the hospital for cancer or for heart disease, so why should I be embarrassed now? I am not giving out details of the hospital stay or putting Matt down in anyway. I was just letting friends and family know the basics. I am sorry that Matt's mom wants to keep everything "private" and I am sorry that she may not agree with me posting on Facebook, but it is my right to do so. I have gotten so much love and support from people that support Matt, myself and the girls through this journey. Of course there were people that thought I should "respect" the wishes of Matt's mother. I ask this question though. What about my wishes? It doesn't make anything better if I say, "OK, I will just carry the burden of everything going on and not seek out support because you want me to." That would be the people pleasing side of me. Through my years I have learned, that it is OK to stand up for what you believe in and just because someone else doesn't think it is right, guess what, it doesn't mean that it isn't right!

I also find it amusing that some people have "de-friended" me from Facebook over my post yesterday. Hey, it is their loss. I have a wonderful fiancé, two beautiful daughters, family and friends that love and support me. If you don't want to be a part of our lives, that is fine, you don't have to be. Apparently, you are not mature enough to text me or message me, but would rather just de-friend me. I am not going anywhere and either is Matt. I am not going to bow down to people just to make them happy. This is not high school anymore. I guess my people pleasing days are over for now.

Freedom of What?!

I am SO over today!! Yes, it sucks that Matt is in the hospital, yes it sucks that Matt is confused right now, yes it sucks that Matt is delusional at times! Am I embarrassed by him though? NO!! Matt has bipolar disorder. It is a mental illness. If Matt had cancer or some other sort of disease, everyone would want updates and appreciate me keeping everyone posted. Since Matt has a mental illness though, it is private and embarrassing to some people. Guess what, I am not embarrassed and either is Matt!! We are all adults and we should be able to handle the truth. Some people that haven't even talked to Matt are telling me how I should handle the situation and what I should say and not say.

Some people just do not get it! Do they know that I spend a good portion of my day in tears, do they know that the only thing that keeps me going are my two beautiful girls, do they know that it kills me a little each and every time I talk to Matt on the phone and he is so far away? Do they know that sometimes I just want to check myself into the mental hospital? Do they know what it feels like to listen to Matt beg to come home each and every day? The answer is NO!! Until a person has walked a mile in my shoes, maybe they should be a little more supportive and a little less embarrassed about something that Matt cannot prevent. Do you think Matt asked to have bipolar disorder? His sister put it best, it is a devil disease. Matt no more asked for this disease than someone with cancer asked for that.

I will continue to update our friends about Matt's progress and I will continue to hold my head up high, because the last time that I checked, I was still in the United States, I still had freedom of speech, I was still a woman who spoke my mind and I will always stand up for what I believe in! So, if you are embarrassed at what I have to say, it is just the truth and sometimes the truth is hard to handle. Neither Matt nor I asked for this battle, but we are both going to keep on fighting - together!!

beatingthebipolarbeast

It was supposed to be different this time around…..I had finally found a “nice” guy! Well, my “nice” guy also came with a very ugly inside beast. A Bipolar Beast.

I met Matt when I was in college while I worked part-time at a local television station and he interned in the sports department in...

Patience and Progress

So, we are on day 21 of Matt being in the hospital. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to be patient and that we need to let the medications start working and then we will see progress. Easier said than done! If you have never seen a loved one struggle with reality, it is a very hard thing to watch. Today Matt told me that he got in trouble at the hospital because he was swearing at the staff because he was trying to get people off the Titanic. Yes, the Titanic that sunk. Oye!

I have always been a planner for as long as I remember. I was the person who planned what my friends were doing on the weekends in high school or the one who plans our yearly get-togethers. I later found out that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). So, needless to say, I like routine and this whole patience and progress thing is not something that I do well. I like to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I like my routine. I don't like the unknowns. Actually, the unknown is probably one of my biggest fears.

Right now there are a lot of unknowns. When will Matt start showing even minor improvement? When will Matt be able to get out of the hospital? Will Matt be the same person when he gets out? Will Matt get out at all or will he be committed? All of these unknowns scare me to pieces and it is taking a toll on me physically and emotionally. My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my head hurts and I don't even feel like getting out of bed on some days.

I just want my routine back, I just want my family back, I just want my Matt back! But, I am supposed to have patience to see progress.

Beating the Bipolar Beast

It was supposed to be different this time around.....I had finally found a "nice" guy! Well, my "nice" guy also came with a very ugly inside beast. A Bipolar Beast.

I met Matt when I was in college while I worked part-time at a local television station and he interned in the sports department in January 2000. He was tall, dark, handsome, nice and had charisma to the moon and back. He was going places and he knew how to get there. I have to admit, I had quite the crush on him. I remember dropping by the sports department to drop off tapes or to ask questions when all I really wanted to do was talk to Matt. I even tried to "pick him up" a few times. He always shot me down nicely. I later found out that he wouldn't date me because he went to a private college and I went to a state college. He doesn't know what he was missing!

Fast forward to October 2013. I was just getting out of a not so hot marriage and Matt was also just getting out of a bad relationship. We hadn't talked in 13 years, but by the magic of Facebook, we reconnected like we had been best friends all of that time. It was a world wind of a year, we moved three times, had a baby together and got engaged.

Everything seemed to be going wonderfully! Matt's psychiatrist had put him on a new medication - Latuda. Along with the Latuda, Matt was also on his lithium and Zyprexa for his Bipolar Disorder. Well, Matt wanted to lose weight, so he took himself off the Zyprexa to hopefully lose the weight. Not such a great idea when you have Bipolar! Then his dad decided to visit his sister's new baby. No big deal right? Well, then he decided to go to the new baby's baptism also. His dad lives in Iowa, his sister lives in Wisconsin. That wouldn't be a huge deal to most people, but his dad didn't bother to come up for our daughter's baptism. This pretty much put Matt over the edge.

We got together with good friends the other weekend. Matt was just overly excited and was showing random people in the bar pictures of our family. Luckily, we were at a bar so most people just thought that he was drunk even though he had quit drinking over a year ago. The next day was my five-year-old's birthday party. Matt started crying at the birthday party when he saw a friend from high school and then professed his love for me to my parents. My parents are just not the type of people that you do that too. A couple of days later he had switched the settings on his phone to Arabic and said that he was fluent in foreign languages. It was time to bring him to the ER. There were signs before this. He seemed like he had more energy, was sleeping less and went on a religious kick. I didn't think that there was anything wrong with what he was doing, but found out from his sister that when Matt goes on a religious kick, he is usually going manic. I really wish that I would have brought him to the ER sooner.

Matt spent the next 15 days in a local psychiatric hospital. This was not our first rodeo to the psychiatric hospital. Matt had been at another psychiatric facility two or three times since we have been together. Usually, he was only in there for 3-5 days though and one time did a two week partial hospitalization program. Well, needless to say after 15 days, Matt had missed my birthday, I was struggling to find childcare for our daughter since we usually split childcare between the two of us and I just missed my fiance! I thought, or when I look back wished that Matt was ready to come home. I brought Matt home for 15 hours. After Matt telling me that I was controlling his life because I was changing our daughters diaper, that the house was a disaster and that he heard an airplane and a helicopter on the roof of our town home, I brought him back to the ER.

So, now we are on day 19. Matt is at the psychiatric facility that he has been at before. He does have the same psychiatrist that he has had previously, his counselor that he sees on a regular basis is also there and they have an extensive therapy program. Everyone keeps telling me that it takes time and that the medications will work and that the therapy will help. It seems like it has been forever already! I just want to see some sort of improvement.

For me, well I am dealing. Well sort of. Physically, it is taking a toll on my body. My back has been aching even with an adjustment from the chiropractor, I have had an ongoing headache, I had a whole night of insomnia and I just feel wore down. Emotionally, I just feel lost. I miss Matt like crazy and want him home. I know that he is where that he needs to be right now though. I just want him home though. I want our family back together. I want to fight Matt's Bipolar Beast with him. Right now the beast may have won the battle, but we will not let it win the war!

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