Depression and Anxiety Just Suck!
I have been taking different meds on and off for my depression and anxiety since 2000. I have also seen therapists on and off since then. It has just been in the last year that I have finally taken my mental health seriously though.
I realized that I have gone through so much. Getting out of a marriage where I was called a fat, ugly bitch over three times a week and getting choked up against a wall. To dealing with a Bipolar fiancé that has a past of cheating, including prostitutes and abuse. Not to mention my three girls. Yes, three girls. Matt and I welcomed baby Victoria Lee on May 13, 2019. She is beautiful just like her two older sisters.
I got to a point where I couldn’t deal with things anymore. I have never been suicidal, but I have been really depressed and anxious. So, I decided to go to the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) at Prairie St. John’s in Fargo. I have done this program two other times, but never finished. This time I am finishing and learning from the groups and other people in the program.
A few things that I have learned is that it is not my fault that Matt cheats. That is on him. His own therapist called him a sociopath. Last week he told me that it was my fault because I don’t sleep in the same bed as him. We have a two month old that needs to be cared for! I was proud of myself though because I told him that his behaviors were on him and not on me and that he wasn’t going to turn the situation around to make me look like the bad guy. Thank You therapy!
I have also learned that I need to take care of me. It is OK to ask for a break or go do something that I enjoy. It isn’t always about Matt or the kids. I have to take some time for myself also.
I have also met a lot of fantastic people through my time at PHP that just “get it.” Not all people understand mental illness and the debilitating effects that it has on people.
I also was diagnosed with PTSD while at PHP, along with my Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The PTSD stems from my past abuse and the constant worry of Matt cheating on me. I shouldn’t have to feel like I am “second best.”
I am also on a new medication and one of the dosages on my other medication was upped. I will also be going to therapy once a week for the next month or so and then probably every other week after that.
I have a long ways to go and depression and anxiety will always be a part of my life, but I think that I am on the right path now.









