I am pushing myself every day, to be a better person, to learn, to be someone worth something some day. Trying to do it all, but the truth is, it doesn’t matter. None of it does. Nothing I do ever will, it never has. At the end of the day, I’m just a small girl with dreams that are way out of her league - stuck between living in the moment and planning the next 10 years of my life, between being okay with not having life figured out and crying myself to sleep because i have no idea what to do. Trying so hard and still not being good enough, having people who expect great things but tell me I’m worth nothing.
On good days, I’m okay with everything I’ve achieved. I’m okay with who I am and who I have become. I’m okay with not having my life figured out at 19. There’s gotta be more to life than being right and making sound decisions, there’s gotta be more than just following a plan.
But on the bad, all i can think about is turning 20 in two short days, and being nowhere close to achieving what I’ve always wanted. Nowhere close to being someone who’s on a path to greatness, no one who deserves a damn thing in the world. On the bad nights, I can’t figure out if my existence has even a tiny bit of importance. So what if i do my hardest every day? The bad days make me question everything I do, have ever done. Make me question every decision I’ve made, I keep thinking that if I just vanished, nothing would change. On the bad days, every mistake, every little error is a demon of its own, telling me I won’t ever be enough. And with each bad day, a good one seems to get further and further away.
I’m stuck and i don’t quite know how to rescue myself.
No one can say things worse than what I tell myself every second of the day.
So what do you do, when you are your own nightmare come to life?
