Beautiful Depression

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Letters to the People I'll Never See Again - Part 1

A.H.

I was in love with you.

I was so deeply in love with you that I was convinced I was born just to love you.

To adore you.

I didn't even know it.

Back then,

When we were kids,

When we threw notes across the classroom

And shared a locker

And had sleepovers

And dreamed up our house

That you and I would one day share and live in together forever because nothing could ever separate us and we were sure of that.

I planned my future from that tender age with you in every corner

Every crevice.

And I didn't even know I loved you.

Being away from you was a Hell I thought was normal.

Being near you was a Heaven I believed to be the closest friendship.

Even when we kissed

Twice

Once on accident

Once on purpose

We laughed like it was nothing.

I loved you.

I don't know if you loved me in the same way.

I'll never know.

It doesn't matter anymore.

I found a different love and so did you.

I am planning my future with someone new and it is so good and fun and wonderful.

I don't think about you as much anymore.

I dont think about you almost ever.

But when I saw your face online I couldn't breathe.

You looked so happy together and I'm happy for you I swear I am oh so happy.

But

What if it was us?

It doesn't matter anymore.

I couldn't allow myself to be myself back then.

I couldn't let myself love you.

Your long blonde hair and porcelain skin were off limits.

My family would never accept it.

I could not love a girl

As a girl.

I am a woman now.

So are you.

My family accepted me somewhat reluctantly but hugged me anyways.

If I had known they would,

Could things have been different for us?

It doesn't matter anymore.

I will never hear your voice again and when we move away and turn our backs on this place you won't even exist to me.

You were my best friend.

You could never be anything more.

I'm okay with that now.

He keeps my heart warm and my soul alive.

He is everything I ever wanted from you and more.

I just needed to privately say goodbye to you.

Say I don't love you anymore.

I hope you're happy.

I finally am.

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Why would I bother trying to fix a one-sided “friendship” that was clearly never valued in the first place?

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Do you realize what you’ve done?

You have come back into my life,

Flipped my entire world upside down,

And taken over every passing thought.

I have looked into your eyes and been met with a kiss for the first time in months.

Your hand on my thigh, in my hair, splayed across my back,

I won’t ever recover from these moments.

Your name is lingering on my tongue as the taste of you overwhelms me completely.

Now that I’ve been reminded of all of these things,

I can’t ever try to let go again.

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Loving you is simultaneously the easiest and most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.

It’s so easy to fall head over heels for you,

Yet so hard not to fear you.

I am comfortable doing absolutely nothing with you,

But your silence is sometimes deafening.

Your words are captivating,

So pretty I’m worried someone will steal them away.

I can get lost in your eyes,

But sometimes your eyes speak when your mouth doesn’t in the worst possible way.

Our hands fit together so nicely,

And I wonder whose hand may one day take my place.

Loving you is like pouring gasoline on the floor of a house we are still building.

I’m terrified of how fast it could all be ruined.

The scars it would leave me with.

The empty feeling in my chest where your love is gone.

I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the universe,

But I would do anything to erase the fear eating at the back of my thoughts.

You are the very definition of too good to be true.

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You

Morning dew on blades of grass the color of life itself.

The perfect wave in the midst of peaceful waters.

Wind nipping at rosy cheeks.

Patches of violet crocuses and yellow primroses bursting through the snow.

A vibrant double rainbow after a terrible storm.

Cat paw prints across a dusty surface.

The only visible star in a cloudy night sky.

Hardy sprouts growing through concrete.

Dainty wind chimes singing along to a cool breeze.

A hot shower soothing aching muscles.

Hard cover books with perfect edges and smooth pages.

You are the epitome of the little joys in life.

You are life.

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I find myself wondering a little too often if he’s still meant for you.

If he would be happy with you.

If you hadn’t broken his heart the first time,

Would you be married by now?

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“The issue isn’t whether he loved you, it’s how much. Too much. Love can be a poison.”

~ A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J. Maas

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The love of my life was an orange and white tabby cat.

From the moment I saw him I knew he was meant to be with me.

He was the sweetest cat I had ever met.

He gave the kind of unconditional love that some claim only dogs can.

He was the closest thing to having my own child that I have ever known.

He loved every single person and animal he met.

He was fat

And lazy

And constantly hungry,

Which made him even better.

The only things that could ever set him off were catnip and his favorite toy - a butterfly on the end of a string.

All he ever wanted was food, a comfy place to lay, and love.

He was simple and beautiful and wonderful to have around.

Losing him was like losing a piece of myself.

I cried endless amounts of tears.

I screamed and sobbed until my throat was raw and my eyes burned.

Spent countless nights wondering if adopting him was the right choice.

If he could’ve had a better life if I wouldn’t have seen him and fallen so deeply in love with him.

I still get those thoughts to this day,

But I know that I gave him all that I could.

I gave him a home, if only temporary.

I gave him furry brothers and special food and all my love.

I just hope he went peacefully,

And that he knew how much I loved him.

I would do anything to have him back,

As selfish as that may seem.

He makes me hope that there is some kind of afterlife where I’ll see him again,

And that someone is holding the butterfly toy for him until I get there.

The love of my life is an orange and white tabby cat,

And he always will be.

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Sometimes,

I can’t tell if this body is mine,

Or if I’m just experiencing someone else’s life and claiming it as my own.

Sometimes,

Nothing feels real.

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I love you.

I love you in all of the best ways,

And some that just don’t make sense.

I love you for you.

All that you are,

All that you have been,

And all that you will be.

I love you so much it hurts.

Some days a constant ache that doesn’t ease,

Other days a tsunami of feelings that threaten to spill over my lashes and drown me.

I love you because you make the days easier.

I find life worth living with you.

I love you in a way I can’t understand.

I love you in a way that others can’t comprehend.

I love you because you scare me.

I have never felt this way before,

And I’m scared of never feeling this way again with anyone else.

I love you because we have a deeper understanding of each other than what some may expect.

I love you because I don’t always have to explain myself to you,

You just get it.

I love you because I never feel judged by you,

I know that you understand me and know that I can’t control it.

I love you because I’ve shown you my demons and you have hugged them.

I love you because you made my demons cry,

A happy kind of cry that kind of burns,

One that I didn’t know was real.

I love you because you’re patient with me,

Even though I’m a lot to handle and I’m not always worth it,

At least in my opinion.

I love you because you’re easy to love.

I love you because you can’t see that,

But you know that I do.

And I love you because you make me want to love myself,

Which I didn’t think was possible.

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I miss sitting in the rain

Listening to my favorite music merge with the steady rhythm of the raindrops

There was a time that I took it for granted

I enjoyed it

I just couldn’t understand how important the feeling of peace was back then

If I caught a cold

So be it

What’s a day or two of school missed

Now I can’t afford to get sick

I am an adult

People will look at me like I’m crazy if they see me sitting in the rain

And yet

I crave that overwhelming feeling of serenity every time I can hear the drops outside my window.

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There is no one else on this entire planet that I’d rather have drive me absolutely insane every day for the rest of my life.

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I have loved you since the very beginning.

No,

Not since we first kissed,

Or made love,

Or whispered our first I love you’s.

Way before then.

Before we got together the second or even first time.

Before we started spending every waking moment together.

Before we realized how much we needed each other.

Before our first time hanging out alone.

Before we met.

Before we even knew the other existed.

I loved you before I knew your name.

I loved you before I saw your face for the first time.

I have loved you since the very beginning of my life.

I loved you before I even truly understood what love was.

My soul craved yours before I could even understand what it meant for your very being to desire the presence of another.

My heart was looking for you before I even knew what I was supposed to be looking for.

You were always the one,

Far before I knew what the phrase meant.

The answer to every question is you.

You are my problem

My solution

My fear

My peace

And everything in between.

I have already loved you for a lifetime

And I’ll love you for a million more.

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If heaven isn’t spending the rest of eternity with you by my side,

Then I’ll gladly take my chances in hell.

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What I cherish most in life,

My reason to keep moving forward,

And my greatest fear,

Are all the same person.

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I know that I love you just by the way you make me feel - cared for and wanted, something no one else has ever given me.

I know that I love you because I can find pieces of you in every aspect of what I hold dear.

I know that I love you because no matter where we are, the only place that truly feels like home to me is in your arms.

I know that I love you because I would rather see the reflection of the world in your eyes than any other sight.

I know that I love you because your laugh makes me smile every time I hear it, even when I try my best to hide it.

I know that I love you because when your hand is in mine, nothing has ever felt more right.

I know that I love you because doing the simplest of tasks becomes an invaluable moment when you’re next to me.

I know that I love you because every moment with you now feels so fleeting and precious.

I know that I love you because the only time the aching in my chest start to fades is when you are near.

I know that I love you because I could not imagine my life without you by my side.

I know that I love you because you irritate the hell out of me, yet there is not a single person on this planet that I would ever choose to press every last one of my buttons over you.

I know that I love you because you taught me that I don’t need you to survive.

I can still breathe when you are not around.

My body will not stop functioning if you leave.

It will surely be an unbearable amount of heartache,

But I will live.

Do not misunderstand, if given the choice I would spend the rest of my life with you perfectly happy and content.

But you taught me that I am my own person with my own personal needs, and that there are some things that I must do for myself.

You helped me acquire my own sense of self worth and make me a better person.

You helped me become physically and mentally capable of giving and receiving a healthy type of love I have never experienced before.

Your love is teaching me how to love myself for once.

Your love makes me love life.

That’s why I cherish every second we spend together, and why I know in my heart that you are the one for me.

I could never love someone else the way I love you.

I know that I never will.

And even if you change your mind about me one day,

Just remember these words.

Remember how much I love you and how you will always have a home with me,

Even if you find something better.

I am fully aware that my unrelenting adoration for you has forced me to use the word “love” to the point of exhaustion,

But no matter how many times I say it,

It will never be enough.

My heart will forever be yours, my love.

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We are damaged individuals just trying to survive on this ruinous planet...

But maybe that’s okay.

Maybe our broken pieces fit together just right,

And we can make ourselves feel whole again.