A year of sadness and hope.
I’ve found myself back here, to tumblr. The only place where I feel like I am able to bare my soul in the most intimate and anonymous ways.
It’s been a year and a month since I’ve purposefully and consciously disconnected from a relationship with my mother.
The woman who carried me for 9 months, loved me when it was easy, and emotionally abandoned me at every difficult and joyous occasion in my life.
She celebrated with me never and when I wanted- and attempted to die, she screamed every other word besides “I Love You.”
And I still yearn for relationship with her. Catherine. Mom. Ma.
It’s been a year of finding myself outside of her. A motherless daughter by choice, but necessary for survival. An estrangement that hurts so deeply within my soul that some days it stifles my ability to breath. A newly created life that consists of empty Mother’s days and uncomfortable explanations.
Hey, I haven’t heard from your mom lately, what’s going on?
Go ahead and invite your parents.
M E N T A L I L L N E S S stole my mother from me.
I feel angry and bitter over the loss of who my mother should have been as a person and parent. I grieve a deep heartache full of “I never had” and “I wish I did.”
So why did I separate? Because the pain of being in relationship with my mother was worse than the pain of being apart. Or so I thought.
I’m not sure at this point, which is more painful, as both have triggered different issues within myself. But years of therapy has taught me this:
The end doesn’t have to be a permanent thing. It may be, it may not. But when relationships, no matter the kind, harm you more than help you, severing that tie may be the only way to recover and forgive.
So here I am. Navigating a world where I long to pick up the phone and hear my mom’s voice. Fear that she will die thinking I hate her. Worry that this estrangement will be forever. Sadness over missed time and milestones. And concern that this separation was the wrong choice.
But as I grieve, I grieve over all that wasn’t, all that could be, and all that won’t be. Because she’s sick. And I can’t fix her.
And I couldn’t survive any longer under her sickness.
My mother is unable to understand the reasons as to why I chose to disconnect. How can a child choose to cut off their parent? And as an estranged child- I’m still not sure because I question it every day.
But I couldn’t continue with how it was.
So mom, the truest form of you that I can find, in my mind, in my heart, in my soul- I forgive you. For all that you couldn’t and still can’t be for me. Through all of this hurt I still see you for who you truly are- Gods loved and cherished child.
I pray that one day- soon - We can make up for the time that we have lost. And start fresh, a life between a mother and her daughter.
And if we can’t, I’ll wait for Heaven, to see you for all the colors that you are, and rejoice with Jesus for our final and permanent reconciliation.