Engraved on His hands

"You are altogether BEAUTIFUL, my love; there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4:7

[beccalina]

So much has happened, but--

OH my gosh, I love this man.

I am sitting across from him now as he works and I reflect back to-- well, *everything*

It is December 3rd. On the 15th, we will be married and living everyday together for the last 4 months. He has been my husband for 4 months.

I am talking about Will. 

This man right here. My husband.

Will is the man I wrote my last lengthy post about a while back, in 2018. And yes, it has been that long and A LOT has changed in my heart and mind. I really haven't written anything else original since then. But since then my world has changed forever. I found my heart growing in love for someone who wants to spend forever with me. The idea of that just boggles my mind. Honestly, I didn't expect myself to get this lucky--to find someone who would EVER love me like I deserved and like I always dreamed. Those are big shoes to fill but he filled them. I am the classic hopeless romantic who always dreamed of having just one minute of my life lived out like a movie scene where the two main characters finally fall in love. Look at my flipping Tumblr from over the last 10 years for goodness sake, its full of ROMANCE and LOVE and TENDERNESS between two people. Well I found my tenderhearted romance in a man who loves me more than all the worlds in this galaxy combined, it seems. And if that's how it seems to me, can you imagine how much God, our Father,  ACTUALLY loves us if we feel an earthly love alone spans so far? Can we just talk about how far I-- no WE-- have come and how much we have learned about one another, God's path for us so far and just EVERYTHING about relationships??

Will is my first love & God-willing, my last. He was the first person to ask me out to dinner and keep pursuing me after that first encounter. How could I just give in after the first date I've been on? Aren't there SO many people out there? I have friends who told me, "Bec, he doesn't have to be the One, he is first person you've ever dated!" The thought always plagued me and made me think that at some point I needed to move on. It made me notice things about him that annoyed me and gave me reason to think it wasn't going to work. I would pull away at times and try to evaluate and talk over and over with people about it. I talked about it more with others than I did with him. It made me doubt and it made me worry when he would be nice to me and show all the intentional things I loved, but then showed a sign of something that could bother me or I wasn't the biggest fan of also. In every case they were small things. They didn't matter in the slightest on a grand scale. None of those things changed who he is as a person, and what kind of many he could be. But also, I didn't think I was gonna get this lucky on the FIRST TRY. How the heck did that happen??

ANYWAY, I have done some reflecting and have looked back on my errors along the way that I know I would want to pass on to someone else in my shoes one day. The "late to the game" dater. One of them is this--

You need to be CONFIDENT in your relationship with that person.

I made the mistake of seeking advice and counsel from people that probably thought I was crazy for overthinking things and would laugh at some of the things I would perseverate on, but also the people that are close to relationship but might not have your best in mind. They may not have the best in mind when being the person you confide in. I found myself in our first year of dating going to someone close in Will's life, someone who I connected with and felt and easy comfort in talking to about the ups, downs and questions I had about this new relationship. This person took me under their wing and was working on their end to push advice and certain practices on the both of us is different ways. Will, on one hand, is sweet and easily molded by some and can be persuaded by the right person to do whatever it is that's suggested. I am not, more so than him, BUT there was a differing factor that shot all this down. I was not feeling confident in the relationship yet and in us and I let me guard down with someone who could influence my thoughts and actions towards Will. This person would get me alone for us to gossip about him and talk through what bothered me and make the guise all about helping me learn more about Will and help is grow. But in reality, this person also frequently made commentary openly about Will talking to me privately if we were in public, or pointing out PDA as something that made others uncomfortable-- and yet, this person does these things as well but of course as a married individual. That seemed to be the reason any action between a couple is acceptable; if they are married or been together for years. These are the things I let influence me in --what I will admit-- our first year of dating. That first fall and winter as a couple was hard for me to wrestle with my doubts. But a portion of that is because I trusted the wrong people to help me change that.

Even in this moment, my heart is overwhelmed with love and appreciation for the man I love and all I have discovered about us both and how I will fight to defend our relationship to ANYONE who tries to discredit or belittle our actions towards one another. Now that Will and I are married, you better believe I have spoken up to my "early confidant" to call them out in a moment where our love was mocked openly and in a way that no longer acceptable  by me or for my husband. What makes this harder is that the person that has done this is on Will's family and is very close to him. I am going to digress on this topic and maybe pick it back up another time. But it has toughened me and made me wise to factors that the Enemy want to throw at us to jeopardize us. I look at that man and I will come back on anyone who says any ill word to him or about him. I wish I knew and felt that way sooner, but the past cant be changed and we need to move forward with our shields ready to defend something beautiful, life-changing, but also still new and fragile at times as Will and I navigate marriage these last few months.

Will is my first one many areas of growth and learning and he is the reason I feel joy and smile and feel more love towards myself. He is my greatest gift and my greatest joy in this life, truly. My heart aches for his past hurts and for anything that will ever happen in the future to hurt him. There is a line from one of my favorite Japanese films by Hayao Miyazaki, Howl's Moving Castle when the two main characters reunite among forces destroying their city and Howl is fighting to keep the girl he cares about, Sophie, safe from war and fire reigning down. She runs to him and they embrace, but shortly after he gets her someplace safe he turns to go leave to return to the fight but Sophie grabs him, begging him not to leave and for them both to run somewhere to escape it all. Howl fully turns back to Sophie and tells her he must go because...

"I have something to protect-- it's you."

[beccalina]

If someone was to follow me today, they would have gotten QUITE the glimpse into what a “day in the life” would be for me at work. I had both incredibly edifying & heartbreaking encounters today that made it just as equally satisfying for me doing this work as it is emotionally exhausting... . I went from being screamed at with “you are mean and stupid— I HATE you” over and over by a 5 year old who I never came near, to being paged moments later by a fellow asking me to go into the room of a 6 year old with her family and make them ok with her new Type 1 diabetes diagnosis. That was not easy.. An hour later I got the same referral, but for a 4 year old boy this time. No lie, when I went into the office to gather teaching materials and get prepared— I cried. I couldn’t help the feeling to wanna hide and cry, and yet I’m not even that child’s parent & I can’t fully imagine what it is to get that kind of news. I had a hard time & thought that there would be nothing that I could do to make this better, explain or change how these families feel. . What saved me was the responses of two different Moms later in the evening. First, I spent time helping a little boy give his Beanie Baby an IV, where he got to be the “doctor” (& he was a PRO so of course we were just the best dang duo! 👌🏼)but I looked over and see Mom bent over crying... “oh my gosh, I can’t believe you are doing this with him right now. He needed this and it’s amazing! Thank you so so much” as she took pictures of all his hard work giving his friend a “medicine straw” so he could have one right after and feel good about what was gonna happen. She gave me a hug after that♥️ . Finally, before I left for the night a mom of a little girl being admitted overnight stopped me with tears in her eyes and asked me if I was a mother.. “Well you’re gonna be an amazing Mama one day. What you did with her and how amazing you were all day—you are just incredible at what you do.” . After only being at this job 3 months, I needed to hear that— that what I do DOES make a difference. My days are vastly different every day, but this one was one for the books 💪🏼🌟 #childlifespecialist #cohenchildrensmedicalcente (at Blooming Grove, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/ByRnjUvnMzdcXfFeOcQTjmcErjq8JXD_4mOo0w0/?igshid=1o0gat4q9ugkr

[beccalina]

God is constantly inviting us into His inner chamber, the most beautifully sacred & perfect space where we can be alone to truly reveal our hearts to Him. What I love is that it’s NOT about what we have to offer in order to make ourselves worthy of that space when we enter it— it’s about what He has waiting for us when we arrive to meet Him. #PREACH . . God does truly know our hearts & brings us on a journey with people that show and encourage us to find the secret place where Christ is, and how to dwell each day there alone to talk with our Father. I’m also realizing how grateful I am to have this person who is willing to come, Bible in hand, to intentionally discover that truth- reading it together & making this a priority in the relationship... (& then of course staying so we can watch our Amazon Prime show👌🏼😙) (at Blooming Grove, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/BquT1vPHS5TI5mInxx2-SwOceedfyfF1soKoVU0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=xoq40cipfkta

[medusabraids]

characters in a period drama: *hold hands/touch each other in a loving way for the first time*

me:

[medusabraids]

every tiny display of affection in a period drama is so intense like someone could just touch another character’s cheek and i’ll nearly have a heart attack

[beccalina]

More accurate than much else in this world..

[beccalina]

First day of fall & this is what gives me life now🌲🍃Woke up to the sound of that new fall breeze blowing through the trees and into my window & I’ve never felt joy like this ♥️ . . Just don’t ask me to pronounce it 😬 I did in fact look it up, and am still working on getting it right since at this point I can’t discuss my love of it if I can’t even say the word! #Psthurism🍃 #FallTime🍁🍂 #EnteringHappyPlace (at Blooming Grove, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/BoB5u2engvccFMgXs7yN-WLMSClsp_n6JSgIT80/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=8lyk91rbazkc

[beccalina]

Battling inexperience & insecurity

For the first time in my life, at 25 years old-- I have gone on a DATE.

I know.

It’s weird. I put myself out there and something came of it, which I never imagined. I ended up going out with someone who I know, ironically, and who goes to my church (but at a different campus). We have been in the same place, at the same time many times before. Just never noticed or got to know each other yet, so we never showed interest in each other. 

FULL DISCLOSURE: I decided to try online dating and that is where I saw him and realized I knew him. With that, I reached out and we started talking, eventually deciding to meet a week later for dinner.

It went great I think, and can be awkward going to dinner with essentially a stranger, and yet, we spent 5 hours together talking over dinner, going to a look out point for ice cream and then ending with a walk around the area we had dinner. I talk a lot (regrettable to some) and am quite aware of it, but then he said something to me that meant a lot. It also gave me the butterflies of hope and acceptance:

“I like listening to you talk”

I stopped myself from telling a story for 20 years and then he stopped my babbling about the embarassment in doing it by telling me that he is interested in my talking and telling stories. He can be a storyteller too, so I know I am not the only one keeping up the conversation. Its nice knowing that, but still feel stiff and awkwardness nonethless for the time being. I also just feel that it’s the perogative of being on a first date and getting to know someone and not being too sure how far it will go. Do I hug you? Do I just wave goodbye and get in my car? Do I ask if you’re seeing other people? This is casual and we are both signed up to dating sites and could potentially be seeing or talking to other people too. Its fair game. 

After the initial 5 W questions and getting the usual questions out, we shared stories and laughed, and it felt like being with a friend. We have mutual friends, and they have said he is very sweet and a super nice guy, and wouldn’t be speaking to other people. He is in fact. He was shy on the date at first, but yet so was I. Still, he kept the conversation moving, and we eventally got past the awkward bits. I babble a bit when I am nervous, and will begin a conversation from anything out of fear of having nothing to say and it getting MORE awkward than it already is. He relaxed into after awhile, and I could tell. We have found a lot of things in common, and with that, hope in getting to do lots of things together in the future.

When I left I was smiling and replaying everything happening. There is too the giddyness of seeing messages from them or the idea of setting something else up and possibly meeting up again soon. We continue to text and he even asked when I would be around on Saturday (or date was Thursday), so I let him know I would be serving on the worship team at church for the Saturday night services. I was leading a song that I am ALL ABOUT LATELY called ‘Over All I Know’ by Vertical Church. Its message is speaking to my soul and it was perfect that I was asked last minute to fill in and lead the song for worship. Ends up, he showed up to the service Saturday night, after an all day training where he was exhausted. I had no idea and come out from the back area to see him, and he is waiting for me. He lingered until I was done saying hello to people and he made small talk enough. I will confidently say, I read it loud and clear that he likes spending time with me. He found a way to be where I was and see if I wanted to do something after church, and had been the one suggesting things to do Thursday even after I though the date would end. His intentional effort is sweet, and I think its the attention I like. Someone wants to be with you and wants to be where you are, thats nice! Not afraid to admit that.

We ended up hanging out for about an hour and talked more like we did on Thursday night. The conversation goes a bit deeper this time and he shares his dating woes from the past, finally asking me about mine.

I have never dated anyone. I have never been asked out, never held someone’s hand and have 0% experience in this arena and anything like it. I was honest and said I have never dated. 

_________________

“Do you think that’s been a deterent for you meeting people?”

“Well its not something I’ve mentioned, since it wouldnt be relevant too soon into talking to someone. Is it one for you?.. that I’ve never dated or have experience in this?”

“No, not at all.”

_________________

I will say, he comes right out with what he is thinking. He holds nothing back, and I think I am just surprised that he is coming straight out with bold questions at this point and then asked how long I feel people should date before getting engaged. Oh, you’re asking this right now? I HAVE NO IDEA. He has an idea, though--one year. After a year, a couple should be engaged. This does make sense though, especially for a 28 year old guy who wants his life to start and especially after meeting someone. I want my life to start too, so I am not put off by that. He also commented how I haven’t brought up any red flags in his book. Everything seems to check out for him guess! Honestly though, in that moment it was like I took a test and have passed for the time being. All the routine questions he asked were being archived so he could see if we were compatible? he is very intellectual (a mechanical engineer), so maybe that’s the kind of analytical skill he uses even in getting to know people?

Fast forward to the next day and he tells me we should see a movie, and he has gift cards for the theatre that he has been holding on to. We plan to see a 7pm movie and he asks to meet at 5:30 so we can hangout before and talk. I like that! He seems to like just sitting and talking with me :)

This time, it was just different. Maybe we know each other a bit more now and he feels more comfortable asking deeper questions? I can tell he scrambles in moments of quiet where there is a lull in the conversation, and needs to find something to say or ask. I myself, have learned the art of not dominating the conversation, no matter if someone says they like hearing me talk. I dont like talking all the time. I am good at it, yes. Doesnt mean I make it my full time job in conversation with people. I dont mind a few moments of quiet as we walk where we can regain a new thought or ask something after a few moments. It’s just nice being in someone’s presence, and walking side by side with no obligation to say something for a few moments. I am all for small talk, but when that dies down just give it a moment. I get it though, awkward silence is hard. Especially on an outing with someone you potentially like. Since I am no shy lamb, I notice while we are on line at Target getting snacks for the movie..

____________________

“Do you think of things to ask me before we hang out?” (said in a joking, light hearted manner, of course to break the ice a bit)

“Hahah, yea.” (He’s been called out! He was close to sweating so I just wanted him to relax and not worry about it, He did.)

“Afraid for those lulls in the conversations? Haha, me too, but I feel like we do alright. I can be a talker, so I get it!”

“Yea, you do like to talk a lot! Have you always been like that?Talking a lot?”

_____________________

What happened to liking to hear me talk? Have I already scared him away? 

He also asked me when we sat to dinner if I have always been very outgoing and talkative. It may have just been the way it was worded by asking “How long have you been like that?” ... Like what?

It’s probably just the wording, since also the poor guy is scrambling for something to talk about now that we have gone through the usual topics. But in a way, I began to deflate and lose interest at that moment.

When someone unveils something about you and questions how long you’ve been like “that”, it makes you feel subconscious-- insecure.

The conversation about the type of church I grew up in drew similar feedback too. I grew up in a very expressive, Penecostal church full of people over the top about worshipping God, and showing it! He could identify with it, but when asking me about it, it was clear it was another of those follow ups with-- “And you like worshipping like that?” Again, like what? Its ambiguous and leaves a lot to the imagination. It is interpretted differently on my end and I grow insecure from the strange questioning and just want to move on. The movie brought a reprieve from how our conversations were going, and I was disappointed to say I was relieved. 

On another note, I have asked people about the etiquette on a first date with the guy paying, and everyone has been great about saying that an offer should be made to pay but also to let him if he insists. Also, being overly insistent to split it shows disinterest in the relationship going farther, and making no offer shows I could be in for a free meal for all he knows! I offered, making some sly gestures to get my wallet and truthfully being prepared to pay, but he insisted on paying for dinner and ice cream after. At the movie on Sunday he had a gift card and said we should use that. Movies can be expensive, and he commented about it, but should I have been like “Nevermind, just get yours then and I can get mine on my own!”? Is that another unsaid etiquette thing I missed? In the other times we hung out I paid for everything else, so he feels no pressure if it’s casual. On the formal date he covered it, as well as asking me to the movie and using the gift card, that was all him. We stood on line in Target and I grabbed his candy to pay for it and said I can at least do that! 

_______________

“Let me get this for us. This is pennies compared to what you’ve spent--”

“Haha yea I know, with the amount of money I’ve spent for everything.”

_________________

OK OK, so he does feel the pinch to cover some of the bigger things we’ve already done. I feel uneasy about it and feel it more now that he has made a comment. My inexperience and lack of knowledge about these things at this level makes me feel embarrassed and insecure of my ability to be a “date” but also act appropriate in situation around who pays for what.

Is this too much, and am I overthinking? I know I am. With that comes more moments throughout all of it where I dig out and analyze other things. Why do we feel the need to do that? I now look at how he texts, how he responds while I am talking and how he acts after saying something that would elicit more of a response if it were someone else.

After the movie when we head out he already had planned on asking me to come out with him in a couple nights and then again possibly over the weekend.

He wants to spend time together, and I know it. What I also know is that I have the potential to sabotage it and find things that make me not wanna go through with it and find reasons why it wont work out and I dont wanna subject myself to it.

ANYWAY, 17 novel-lengths later it is 1:03pm-- I have procrastinated and need to be productive.

Thanks for coming, take care.

[beccalina]

[beccalina]

Wasn’t possible to watch The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society & resist making a cup of tea and fresh pie 🍑🥧 . . #MySundayFunday #SuckerForAGoodRomance #AndPeachPie (at Blooming Grove, New York)

[victoriaseries]

I thought that you did not need me.

[beccalina]

Love them <3 

[beccalina]

[dankmemeuniversity]

[beccalina]

Isn’t playing & being silly in the pool just the epitome of summer?🙌🏼☀️🕶👙💛 . . Happy to have these 5 siblings jumping at my front door, calling my name to ask if they can come in the backyard to swim 🏊🏻‍♀️ Always♥️ And yes, I was jumping around and playing right along with them as we listened to The Greatest Showman soundtrack & (of course) In My Feelings ( the CLEAN version 👌🏼😉) 🎶 . Thanks for letting me play with your kids @carmeniri27 cuz they are gonna sleeeeep tonight 👌🏼 (at Blooming Grove, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl_23q5HAnigYCCLqX9Nb6cxM-_NmNnoVwrUsc0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1lvcnpdzr5hrz

[beccalina]

“Your name is a light, that the shadows can’t deny. Your name cannot be overcome”🙌🏼 Been love love LOVING this song lately💗 #Repost @bethelmusic with @get_repost ・・・ “Jesus, Jesus. You make the darkness tremble. Jesus, Jesus. You silence fear.” ⁃ @mosaicmsc | This song is incredible. 🔥 Full moment of @steffanydawn leading “Tremble” on our YouTube channel. #bethelmusic

[cabronallorona]

[dailythecrown]

Requested by Anonymous: The relationship between Margaret and Philip.

[sobeit-sobeit]

What sorcery is this?

It’s like the more they age Caitriona Balfe, the more beautiful she gets.

[beccalina]

Yes.

[beccalina]

As always, another beautiful birthday 🎂 Had my FAVORITE dinner ➡️ 🍣🍥🍱🍙🍚 & then picked up my favorite “cake” ( *cough cough* rice pudding😉) and got to have my birthday celebrated by my family around me [even @racheljamie9 through FaceTime] & got the BEST gift ever of money towards Broadway tickets to see Anastasia😍 🎭 I’ve been mentioning how awesome it would be to see Anastasia ever since it was announced to be on Broadway, and never knew my family was listening😂 & even my Dad was being sneaky by buying this new game I️ must have spent an hour talking about (thanks @shannonspreen 😉) and he was just feigning disinterest and telling me I️ should just wait and buy it at Christmas! #ISeeWhatYouDidThere 😏 (at Tomahawk Lake (New York))