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[beckythesooh]

On the HIMYM Finale + Deleted Scenes (rewatch)

On my hate of Ted’s relapse in season 7:

Rewatching HIMYM and of course, I’m sad again at how much I loved it sans Ted’s suddenly thinking he’s in love with Robin again after Drunk Train. It pisses me off so much, and which there were comments on how it made sense because Ted was just so down on himself that he had stooped so low as to try to get girls on the train and be so far away from his goal—I would have believed that but the ensuing episodes definitely show this wasn’t the case. Drunk Train was season 7 episode 16. They broke up at the end of season 2 and only had a heart to heart about how difficult the break up was a few episodes later, and casual sex along with screaming and anger mid season 3. Never once in between does Ted actually like her again except when Barney wanted her and he read his letter—which I’ll account for as him being down and logically and/or nostalgically thinking they would work again, rather than current feelings. I would have wanted him to be depressed because being around happy people or people that he’s jealous of or something, because that’s relatable and understandable. But him being upset that Robin was marrying someone that wasn’t him when she never expressed being in romantic love with him for the past 6 years just makes me despise Ted. And I don’t despise him, but when I take a step back, that act makes me really hate him. And like.... Ross in Friends was a horrible human. I cannot vouch for him in that he wanted to be a good human—Ross thought he was a good human when he wasn’t. But Ted really did want to be a good human. And it upsets me that this is where the line is drawn, where he believes he deserves Robin more than Barney, more than anyone, when she never showed interest in him again.

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A brief touch on my hate of Robin’s character in love:

I don’t hate Robin as a human or a character in general. But I severely hate how she was the writers’ ultimate princess on a pedestal and never thought about how she’s not a prize, but she needs to work for happiness. Never once does she work for any of her relationships. She’s incredibly selfish—and hey, that’s fine because I am and all humans are to a degree, but she’s not allowed to stay selfish and get any and every happy ending. That pisses me off to no end. I agree with the people that say Robin didn’t deserve Ted—but in reality, it was more that Ted deserved better. She never made any grand gesture for Ted or Barney when they both tried to give her anything and everything they had. I’m unsure if in any relationship she put herself on the line. I think after Don, she stopped. I think Don got the best of her, but Don didn’t quite treat her well. Kevin was the best match for her because he helped simmer her crazy and he could be a little crazier with her, but really she didn’t offer anything consciously.

She was unwilling to compromise in season 2, and she never changed throughout—she only revealed parts of her that she kept hidden. The writers made her sane and insane, kind and cruel, and every other paradox so she could fit into anything they wanted and seem rounded out even when she wasn’t. The writers kept her as this ideal girl and never understood that girls can have character development too. (Not that anyone besides Barney really had character development—which is also why everyone was rooting for him, not Ted.) The things she’d give up for Barney, she never cared about. The dogs she gave up for Ted in season 2 were her only attempt at dipping her toes in the water, but then the writers just never made her swim again (not that she should have given away her dogs for Ted). As the series progressed, it felt like she didn’t care about anything. That’s why she was consistently able to swing into a new relationship on the same day after a breakup. Because they made Robin sane enough, no one had to doubt her love and she never had to prove it. But now it all seems like a desperate girl who is afraid to be alone and has no idea what she wanted (continued in next section).

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On the deleted Robin x Ted lunch finale scene in 2020 and how it impacts the ending:

Josh Radnor said he hoped the writers kept that in the finale because it showed that Ted wasn’t always pining for Robin when he was with Tracy, and that Robin loved and was thinking about Ted as much if not more. I agree with the first part, definitely not the latter.

Before I discuss how I interpreted that scene, here is how I interpret the two endings of HIMYM vs the ideals of the fans (from my perspective).

The ending where Tracy dies and Ted gets with Robin at the end:

Pros: 

The fan theory that maybe this is a happy ending because Tracy gets to be with Max in Heaven, Ted and Robin (and Ted got the kids he wanted and Robin got her career), and Barney and his daughter.

I guess the writers get to use their original footage, but like that doesn’t really warrant a number.

Cons: 

Like Josh Radnor said, it makes it seem like Ted was in love with Robin even when he was with Tracy.

Season 8 and 9 were a total bust and a LOT of the footage and most meaningful and dramatic scenes (absolutely EVERYTHING WITH TED) were a WASTE of viewer emotion. Like I legitimately regret giving any fucks about Ted’s emotions, that lying sonuvabitch.

If it is meant to be like Robin and Ted are soul mates and belong together, the ENTIRE SEASON 3-9 made the fans believe that either 1. NO THEY’RE NOT, or 2. soul mates are STUPID and a LIE and not as amazing as Lily and Marshall made it seem. And if not, then it perpetuates that soul mates aren’t a thing.

It makes it seem that if a guy pines after a girl enough, he’ll fucking get her eventually. No one on the face of at least Democratic America wants white guys to get that message, wtf.

By perpetuating Pro #1, it further makes Tracy to be a vehicle for Ted’s children and not really anything else. Kinda ties into Con #1.

The ending where Tracy is alive (actually this doesn’t matter to me) where Robin and Ted don’t get together at the end:

Pros:

The hope and dream and ideal that a soul mate (Tracy) exists at the end of the suffering—the thing that made Ted such a good protagonist—lives on. And is finally accomplished. And we can be happy for Ted, while believing in love and life ourselves. (This is the main fucking point, in contrast to Con #3 of the previous end.)

The reassurance that even if you think you’re in love now and it’s not working out, one day, you’ll GET THE FUCK OVER IT

The hope that all the love you give out will be reciprocated (this is different than #1 for me simply based on Tracy’s personality, rather than the fact that Ted ended up with someone that wasn’t Robin. Because Tracy was kind to him and wanted to make Ted happy. Robin never tried to make Ted happy, she just rolled with the punches.)

The fact that the drumroll, the build up, the suspense of the story led to actual grandeur and a happy end, and not a fake out like the other ending. (Different from the above because this is simply the storyline, and how this way wouldn’t be like a “haha, [the ending] was in front of you the entire time!”)

Cons:

No footage of the kids?

No non-sappy way to end that doesn’t make everyone hate the writers?

No reason why Ted is telling this story to his kids?

Like honestly, while sappy, there is no con to a happy ending

Now, let’s retrace the first betrayal ending with the dinner scene:

Pros:

Yes, it does look like Ted loved Tracy / didn’t pine after Robin in his head. And yes, this was something that killed everyone in the finale and thus was a big thing.

If Ted x Robin occurs, you still get the Pro #1 fan theory.

Cons:

It doesn’t look like Robin was in love with Ted even if she admits to thinking about him. It instead just looks like she regretted her life and selfishly wanted him because he treated her well, even when she never had any intention of giving him what he wanted. 

Also the awkward thing about Robin kinda trying to get him back when he has a family and alive wife at that point in time.

If this continued with the Robin x Ted thing, it doesn’t really make it seem that Ted was head over heels magically in love with Tracy during this time. His quote, “Happiness is when you stop thinking about the ifs,” would instead be interpreted as if he settled and didn’t want any risks. And, considering he met her after Robin was married, and had kids with her while Robin was still married, this would further incriminate that thought.  Happiness is not love, but the stability of knowing that this relationship... is stable. Ted, despite having cheated on Victoria when she was in Germany with Robin, has never struck me as a cheater. He has always struck me, even in the lowest and crappiest and sleaziest of times, as someone who wanted to treasure the people around him. The fact that he was unnerved by Robin’s confession because he had Tracy and his family did not feel to me that it was because he loved Tracy, but because it was stable, it was his, and he had stopped thinking about Robin when she wasn’t there.

If Ted x Robin get together still, a la Con #1, I cannot be happy for them. Why? What the writer showed us in the original is that Ted has always pined for Robin. This lunch scene was supposed to dispose of that. But, then, it becomes that Robin wants Ted and Ted is like “I always cared about her and it’s been 6 years and I’m lonely.” And yes, this is much better than the original betrayal ending. But it’s still not a happy ending. Ted gets with her because he’s lonely, not because she’s the “one” anymore. And no one cares about that (and it’ll always be overshadowed by the ANNOYANCE OF TED IN SEASON 8-9). Robin gets together with Ted because she’s lonely, regrets many things in her life, and she knows Ted would treat her well (despite never self-reflecting that she doesn’t offer him anything because he always blindly accepted everything about her). That’s not a happy ending, nor an ending worth giving my feelings for, though admittedly more satisfactory than the original.

Overall, the show is supposed to be about how he meets the mother. How he meets his wife. How he falls in love with her. The audience is wanting to watch him fall in love. And after so many seasons of him being alone, the build up becomes grander. We want to believe that at the end of the tunnel is salvation. That this relatable, kind character will be blessed with happiness and love equal or greater to what he’s given. We like the character, and we want him to be happy. And he was never happy pining after Robin. We want to relate to his struggles, but we want him to be rewarded. We want to believe we too will be rewarded. The original ending didn’t do that. I can’t understand how anyone doesn’t understand the backlash after properly watching the show (and being a sane romantic, which should be the prime audience of this show).

So no, I will never forgive that ending.

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And just because I’m ranting,

On what I think about Robin and Barney.

I honestly don’t care if they stayed married or not. Married doesn’t solve problems between a couple. I don’t like them getting divorced from a conservative perspective, but I also don’t see them doing well in the construct of marriage (which also goes for Robin and Ted, but Robin was always portrayed as sane when with Ted. Though really, she would suck at marriage and kids. When she was with Ted, it was literally just sex. And her being his roommate showed that all non-lust side was incompatible. But I digress).

But, I dislike that the finale gave Barney a daughter as a band-aid and made it seem all right.

I can imagine Robin and Barney always fighting. I can imagine it going as far as a divorce. But I can’t imagine it getting to a point where Barney stops trying and stops caring. Because he tried throughout the seasons and he couldn’t. Why, when he gets her, would he stop. Robin never tried, and I can see her falling out of love because she’s incapable of loving (at least for everyone after Don), only of accepting love and using them as a crutch. But Barney really tried and season 8 showed it in tangible measures. While I understand that a one-way street will eventually reach a dead-end (actually I don’t think that’s true, but for the sake of a lack of a better metaphor), the fact that at that point Robin didn’t step it up makes me hate any ending that would end up with her and Ted even more. Yes, Barney was a pig. But he was able to win over the audience into making us believe that he is capable of loving someone. And Robin never did.

I can imagine Barney giving Robin space if she asked, which includes the divorce. But to try to convince us, the audience, into believing that he stopped loving her and stopped showing it in his side glances and gentle grins pisses me the fuck off. I don’t need them married, I don’t need them constantly together. But they’re a couple where I trust Barney to keep going back to as home.

Also that daughter thing—while cute in theory, Barney had an episode about his previous wing bro having knocked up a girl and being a father and it destroying his personality. I can really only imagine this as being how it winds up. I do think Barney would be a good father. And I do think that if Barney is with Robin, he would not have that chance. But I also think that Barney would always love Robin more than enough to be willing to give that up. Unlike Ted, I believe Barney if he said he’d be willing to give it all up without regretting it for the rest of his life. I hate that Barney wasn’t allowed to remain the metamorphosed character at the end of all of his character development. They had to revert all the things to give him a daughter. They didn’t even give him some sort of back story to how the hell he could fuck up the protection when he had sex with over 200 girls without issues. Yeah I’m salty about the shitty and inconsistent writing/storytelling.

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On whether I care if Tracy dies:

Not too much, because I understand that things happen. It does make me sad if we are made to think she and Ted are soulmates, only for her to die early. While I do agree that her early death and making Max her soul mate does sound cute, I refuse to believe for eternity that Robin was Ted’s soul mate, so leaving Ted without a soul mate would also piss me off about this story and basically Ted would be equivalent as Barney knocking up someone, but with a nanny that happens to be the mother of the children. So the answer is no because then we need to destroy the concept of soul mates. So this is why I would like Tracy to live, though I’m not mad at her dying.

Obviously from a storytelling perspective, it would be weird for Ted to tell his kids his whole dating history just to finally skim through his meeting with the mother and she is still alive. But really we gave no shits about why Ted was discussing all these pointless things to his kids, so that continuity isn’t needed if it destroys our hopes and ideals.

If she’s alive, it makes more sense for Ted to talk about the courtship with the mother. If she’s dead, the only reason for him to discuss all his courtships with all the other women would be..... well, in theory it makes sense to show that he’s always loved Robin, too bad that didn’t properly translate in the actual show post season 3 (like really, Robin would have needed to interfere in every relationship Ted had for it to be relevant to the betrayal ending, but that stopped after Stella and there would need to be a time skip to Victoria with inbetweens of Barney x Robin, but ultimately most of Robin’s love life could be omitted. Seriously, if that was the reason Ted was telling the story, then his storytelling skills are shit and he should be at least 65 and retired because his mind is going). And to tell the story just to be like  “I wanna date again” is also nonsense. Basically, all routes are nonsense. Shoulda just scrapped the purpose of Ted telling his sordid past into just him telling a story. Also, getting the kid actors as adults is still hilarious so I think people wouldn’t mind the kids’ continuity over a better ending. 

[beckythesooh]

Reassessing life checkin

Was asked “are you ok” because I didn’t even try for a multiplayer game that gives me stress. So figured I’d just reassess my irritations because I’m feeling a lot of stress, even though the main things aren’t even relevant to my life.

As for the game: I come in and the first round I play has no one listen to me whether they’re the Imposter or not, and I’m not going to scream because I don’t have the patience for that. I already knew that M controlled the game because most peoples’ personalities aren’t going to name people when they don’t know, including me. But H is also able to do that. So I already know that the game is likely dominated by M and H. No one listens to me even when I ask a non-innocuous question, and one that could have led to the killer, so obviously I feel like everyone is ignoring me, which makes me feel likeI have little power. As a note, I do realize N was also pretty outspoken, but come round 2, and the other Imposter dies immediately, and then N dies, I don’t even know who else is playing besides M and H, and I can see everyone is crowding together to wait it out. I’m too lazy and dislike being the Imposter in the first place, I have no intention to verbally argue, I have no intention to lie or point blame, so of course I just get it over with and kill with everyone around. It makes sense why I seem grouchy and negative, but it’s hard not to be when small things innately have already convinced me that there’s little point in trying, and to try would require doing things that I’m not interested in nor comfortable doing without any mental preparation. While I think the game is indeed like Mafia in that it will often come down to acting or that acting can change everything, the difference is that 1. it is possible for someone to have undeniable proof and while it is still deniable for other players that did not see the murder happen, it definitely decreases motivation to lie for the normal person, and 2. everything is on the phone so the loudest people are heard wherein Mafia in person usually allows everyone to speak so long as it looks like they’re trying to speak. It’s somehow a lot easier to ignore people over phone. In any case, long story short, if someone is made to feel like they have no power and there is no point, they will rebel against society. I mean, dramatic comparison, but the BLM riots should have told you that to some degree.

Also the Office is making me stressed because I know the story will go to hell from here. As always, Michael is being selfish and costing hundreds of dollars of waste, but no one tells him that any stupid changes come out of his pocket. Furthermore, it’s based on his selfish and romanticized vision for himself with Holly, which Holly himself told him was a lie. And he damaged her things because of his anger at the fact that she didn’t want to be with him over her long term boyfriend. He’s acting like the typical predator and womanizer that has given guys a bad rep. Yet he’s going to get the girl because the writers made it so that Holly’s boyfriend will refuse to give her what she wants, and Holly gives no shits that Michael is toxic and scary and has some ideal version of her that she will not always follow. And of course, since the seahorse incident they’re just ignoring Erin and Andy now, whom they made as cute and just ignored because they refuse to let it be happy. Yet at the same time the episode ends kinda on a moral upward note, which is also against the original Office style. It’s like an upward that is both a bit too sappy but also not nice enough to feel good for the audience.

Sigh... oh, and I want friends or romantic prospects because I miss the feeling of liking someone, but when I open the dating apps, I get pissed seeing anyone’s faces. When I see a photo of someone, I gain expectations and immediately it makes me feel “I don’t want to meet them.” I just hate everyone. It’s impossible even if I met someone in person though because I’ve already built these preconceived images of what normal people want, because I’ve been wronged and people who don’t give a shit wouldn’t be doing things to meet people, but I only want to meet someone who has no expectations and I can disappear without guilt or being perceived if it’s not magical. Because normal human interactions are not better than me being alone with a TV most of the time, so I have little motivation to meet and do things outside the first meeting when I know the human interaction won’t be funner or more interesting than whatever I’m watching on TV. Sigh......... life sucks. Being human sucks.

[beckythesooh]

Codepedency

Rewatched episode 4 of Oregairu Kan. Still trying to sort out codependency because I think everyone has it, so I’m unsure of the severity of its existence.

Yukino is codependent on Hachiman and her mother/parents. Her self-esteem is tied to what her mother thinks of her and her role as second daughter who does not have the right to take over her father’s job. It further gets tied to Hachiman’s success, which winds up causing her to want to rely on him to save her. She’s aware of her dependence on both her parents and Hachiman, as shown by episode 1 of Kan and 4, respectively.

Hachiman is codependent on both Yukino and Yui, and probably anyone who comes to him for help. He lost all his self-worth and I don’t think he understands or cares for the concept anymore. But he has a need to be useful and to save people. He is not as aware of this problem, so Hiratsuka-sensei makes him admit it when asking why he wants to be involved in the prom when Yukino doesn’t want him to. However, I’m still unsure why sensei still let him join when he admits this. I don’t know how Hachiman will fix this, when he doesn’t exhibit not taking care of himself, and the change needs to be internal, not external like Yukino telling him she doesn’t want help.

Yui is codependent on society. She doesn’t like conflict so she puts everyone else’s needs in front of her own. She does this with friends like Miura, and with Yukino when it comes to liking Hachiman. She tried curing it in season 1, but it came back with Yukino and Hachiman. She knows she has this problem, and it’s probably the reason why she cried—not necessarily because Hachiman “chose Yukino over Yui” by going to help Yukino, but probably because of her own jealousy and inability and unwillingness to communicate it when knowing Yukino’s true feelings. By not curing herself of this, she’ll be unhappy that she never told her real feelings. In her monologue, she claims she blamed Yukino for giving up, letting go, and refusing [Hachiman’s help and thus getting closer to him emotionally]. That it should have been easy to do the same [to give up/let go of/refuse her own feelings for Hachiman], but she’s still too dependent on her feelings for Hachiman. That she considered it Yukino’s fault [for why Yui couldn’t act to get closure for her feelings], and continued to do nothing. That’s why [she knows she should be crying in pain], and she regrets that she could control her tears in front of Hachiman, which would have been more honest with her emotions.

[beckythesooh]

Updates on Life

I feel illogical arguments with my soul, and then later break it down into why it is illogical using logic. I find it interesting that before I know why it’s illogical, I just feel it is. I wonder if that makes it actually a skewed opinion, with logic broken to conform to the opinion that I prematurely made. But I never have any thoughts of “I don’t like it.” It’s always “What? I don’t understand. That sounds like nonsense. Things don’t connect.” I wonder which is the reality.

My rabbit seems to be very wary of me. He almost died running away from me, getting his head caught in a wire net. Blogs say to trap him in a small area with me and eventually he’ll come, sniff me, and know I’m not a threat. The thing is, he knows that already, because he always roams around me. But he never chins me or stays touching me or jumps on the couch or follows me or anything. He doesn’t seem to like me as much as tolerates me. There are times where he crazily runs away, whether I’m moving suddenly or not at all. He’s not playing, because it’s legit fast where he might hurt himself (thus getting his head stuck). He often lays down within sight nearby, staring at me. He always wants to stay a decent distance away. He’ll eat out of my hand sometimes. He acknowledges me and my existence, but doesn’t like or appreciate it. Maybe it’s because I’ve literally been with him for like 24/7 for 3 weeks.

My internet is a bitch. Gotta call my landlord. I forgot I need to do that.

Oh, I keep having dreams... I think they’re all dreams... about my ex. I say I think they’re all dreams because I woke up with like this feeling of... not longing, but like thinking he was a good guy? I mean he is, at least the sides I can see (which tends to be few when it comes to Japanese people). I wonder what my dream was. Then again, I have been thinking about my lack of a romantic life recently. I’m really old, and I want to fall in love again, but I really can’t imagine it, and it makes me sad. If I really want to fall in love, I don’t think I’m in the right city for it. I can’t trust Japanese people anymore. But at the same time, I find it hard to be romantically attracted to westerners because of our brash personalities... and probably aesthetics too. No matter how I see it, I’m destined to be alone. Which makes me sad. Because forcing myself to like someone also brings me unhappiness. Which is I guess why I reminisce about the past, because even though I didn’t see the full picture, my side of the story was happy. It does make me unhappy to know there was another side of the story, but that side was never told to me, so I can only think of my side as the truth, though it isn’t all of reality. ... I don’t really know what the conclusion of this ramble is. I’m sad. And lonely, I guess. I think I’m supposed to be very proactive with like meeting people and asking them out? But those people tend to be pretty...... shallow feeling. But I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles. I hate dating apps too. It’s all such a chore. Sadness.

[beckythesooh]

Oregairu Kan Episode 2

I’M SO SAD.

I am like the only person in the world that wanted Hachiman with Yui.

Because despite the fact that Yukino and Hachiman’s first meeting was described via Hachiman’s perspective in a way that sounds like they’re gonna get together, personality-wise, they’re both ultimately pretty stubborn and cold, wherein Yui is the exact opposite of both. I can imagine Yui able to overcome any hurdle if need be, but I can’t always see that with Hachiman and Yukino.

Like, yeah I want Yukino to have someone, but that’s a different story.

And if I were Yui, I’d understand wanting to step out of the way simply because Yukino is her best friend and she wants her best friend to be happy.

Many people say Yui knows that Hachiman loves Yukino, but I definitely wouldn’t think that. I don’t think that he’s chosen anything and I don’t think his personality would ever let him after his middle school traumas.

But Yui’s behavior makes sense despite that, and makes her kinder for it. I don’t think she acts the way she acts because she feels hopeless against Yukino if they were ever to fight for Hachiman. She acts the way she acts because she doesn’t want to fight against Yukino, period. Whether he likes her or not. Whether Yukino is willing to fight for Hachiman or not. It’s not a feeling of hopeless, it’s a bittersweet feeling of wanting her friend to be happy despite knowing she herself cannot. I don’t think Hachiman really factored into her thoughts because they’re not even at that part of the problem.

As for the photo, a comment said it was because Yukino made a face that Yui never saw, meaning Hachiman brought out a side of Yukino that she can’t and somehow that equals Hachiman loving Yukino!? WTF, I WILL FIGHT THAT PERSON, THAT MAKES NO SENSE. NO. Because Yukino makes that scared face in scary situations, period, and Yukino rode with Yui on Universe Mountain in which Yukino said she was afraid. So no, wtf. The importance of the photo is simply that she has the photo of just the two of them, and it’s hidden so it’s important! Which means that Yukino acknowledged her feelings, and so Yui realized this.

But damn, that last line. How the hell did Toyama Nao now like bawl her eyes out when voicing it. After years of waiting for the end of Oregairu, wherein “something genuine” was like the core of the fandom (like the same way “Always” is for Harry Potter), like.... now they go and rip it out and flip it on its head.

Yui’s never thought about Hachiman because his goals are too different from hers and Yukino’s. Hachiman wanted something genuine, which implied a friendship among all three. Yui knows that it’s impossible to have something genuine if they have feelings for him and hide it, and also if two of them get together, and also if no one gets together but they want to get together. Meanwhile, Yukino is still unsure about everything. She knows she likes Hachiman, but she doesn’t want to act. She was still in denial at the time of Hachiman saying he wanted something genuine, so she can’t say like Yui that she was lying. But I think she had wanted to suppress her feelings like Yui. Though I don’t know or think it was for the sake of letting Yui have him as much as not to destroy anything.

But I don’t think a romantic relationship can be genuine either, at least not for years. The beginning is too much wanting to be loved in return. I don’t know if Yukino can give him a true “something real” at this rate. I wonder what it is. In the first place, they’re not like normal high schoolers who would just start dating... 

I think that Yui confronting Yukino about her feelings at least is in store. I don’t know if it will end with Hachiman getting with anyone (I can’t imagine it), or even if they ever properly confess to him (although I think he understood with Yui’s cookies despite her saying it’s just a thank you). I can’t imagine in 12 episodes that I will feel better about this AND other fans feel better, because most fans will want someone (Yukino) to date Hachiman, wherein my only ideal at the moment is just if Yui and Yukino talked it out and it was just left on the table as truth and not acted upon because they treasure the 3 of them more. After graduation, I think it would be less stress if Hachiman dated, but unless he is like for sure “I only like this person and want to be with her for the rest of my life” which is not a vibe I get from him, I think that all 3 of them treasure the 3 of them more than a romance.

Ugggh, wish the season were already completely out so I can binge it...

[arirna]

[beckythesooh]

Oregairu. Zoku (up to ep 8) Analysis

The comments have all gotten bits and pieces but aren’t quite accurate to me, so I need to ramble it out.

Hachiman’s self-destructive tendencies hurt the people that care about him. They expressed that to him after the confession to Ebina, especially Yui. He got the point, at least by the time of the Iroha for student council president brainstorming session.

Yukino tries to avoid Hachiman’s self-destructive tendencies by instead sacrificing herself for student council president. She also may have selfish reasons involving her sister. She also knows that she would excel so it’s no big deal.

Yui hates that too, so she decides to run too, to save both Hachiman and Yukino, and thus the club she loves.

Hachiman is lost as to what to do. Or rather, he knows that Yukino or Yui being student council president would solve the surface problem (Iroha’s request) at hand, so logically, there’s no reason to do anything else. However, he doesn’t like it. Because he too feels like everyone is sacrificing themselves, and/or because the club he loves would disappear.

He asks Komachi for help. She tells him that she’s used to him hurting himself and so while she’s a little sad, she knows that’s ingrained in him, and that’s his messed-up mentality.

In any case, she gives him a reason to avoid disseminating his logical stance, lets him ignore his emotions, and allows him to pretend that his reason for taking action is based on Komachi’s request.

When Hachiman convinces Iroha to be student council president, Yui is relieved because the club can stay as-is. 

However, Yukino is not happy. She says, “And here I thought you’d understand everything.”

Neither Yui nor Hachi is sure if it is because she actually wanted to be student council president and failed to express it (I think).

(While there is a possibility it also has to do with how Hachiman took action without consulting with them and shouldered everything again, I doubt it because she knows he’s a loner more than anyone and like Yui should understand that he can’t change his ways so easily. A few other mentions down the next few episodes seems to confirm it as the most likely reason.) 

In the following days, she is clearly off, but refuses to say anything. Yui and Hachiman notice but ignore it. Neither are the type to push about anyone’s feelings.

The student council Christmas event happens. It’s a mess.

Hachiman meets Yukino on accident. She tells him that he didn’t need to lie or apologize about Iroha’s request because he’s doing it on his own and it’s his life, and basically she has no right or reason to have a say, and it’s not like she’d be any help. He said he does things alone just because he’s always been like that. She says she’s different, that he is able to solve things where she can only pretend to be capable and understand things. She says he doesn’t need to doesn’t need to come to the club anymore and look out for her and Yui.

He meets Hirotsuka-sensei. She tells him that he took on Iroha’s request by himself in order to prevent the other 2 from getting involved because he didn’t want to hurt them—particularly Yukinoshita (I guess because she really wanted to be student council president). She says he needs to think about why he didn’t want to hurt them—because he cares for them. Humans will always get hurt, whether you know it or not. But because he is aware that something might hurt them, it means he cares about them. And when you care about someone, when you hurt them, it should be of will instead of by accident.

The next day, Hachiman goes to the club room and asks Yui and Yukino for help with the student council Christmas event. Yui is happy, but Yukino and Hachiman both agree that Hachiman got himself into this mess by making Iroha president and taking on her request by himself, so logically she doesn’t need to help.

Yui doesn’t like it. She tell Yukino that she’s unfair and that her passive aggressive demeanor is unfair, and that no one will understand if she doesn’t express her real intents.

Yukino also says Yui is unfair. That Yui pretended that everything was ok, so Yukino did the same, thinking that they should put a bandaid on everything.

Hachiman disagrees with Yui’s thoughts on talking. He says that even if someone says something doesn’t mean things will be good. Even if someone said someone aloud, he might not believe them and try to find ulterior motives.

He says he doesn’t want words. He doesn’t want to be understood, he doesn’t want friendship, or companionship.

He wants something “genuine.” He wants to understand people. But he knows that most people don’t want that—they they want to keep a good relationships on the surface, avoid conflict, and avoid being vulnerable or understood too deeply. He wants a relationship where people can both “burden each other with the repulsive self-gratification of understanding each other.” He doesn’t care about his own output, but he wants all the input, and that’s why up until now he has separated himself from others in order to simply observe and understand, since he cares not for others caring about him. He doesn’t want to be vulnerable, but he wants others to be. But that’s something no one wants. So if there’s a relationship where all parties are free to openly desire that of the other, then it can be an impetus to push someone to be vulnerable so that the others can understand the “real” them, and thus become “genuine.”

(To clarify, no one has shown an ingenuous version of themselves the way Iroha does to people, though neither he nor Yukino have been willing to give others the satisfaction of understanding themselves. Hachiman doesn’t have any secrets like Yukino and is fairly open with his opinions, but he never allows himself to be vulnerable.)

Yukino says she doesn’t understand. She is visibly afraid and runs away. Hachiman too is reeling about letting himself be so vulnerable. But Yui pushes him to follow Yukino.

Yukino says she doesn’t understand what “genuine” is. She is afraid to want to be closer. To understand beyond what the surface can tell you. And to be vulnerable in return and offer that side of herself to others.

Yui says she doesn’t understand either. But she says they’ll get closer to “genuine” by talking more, and even then there will probably be dishonesty and lies and hidden feelings and things they won’t be ready to share yet, but as long as they keep trying and they want to reach a goal where information can flow freely through them without hindrance, maybe they can reach it... But more than anything, she hates right now, where they pretend they’re ok. Where they’re at an impasse and can’t get closer.

And so they both accept Hachiman’s request to help—both with the Christmas event, and changing themselves to find something more “genuine.”

[beckythesooh]

Rewatching Oregairu

I need to reorganize my thoughts on Oregairu because it’s been awhile since I’ve watched it, and I just know it’s special to me, so I want to watch season 3 remembering and understanding their mentalities.

Based on the story up until the student council election, the way they do things:

Hachiman Fights for: the end with the highest satisfaction for all parties excluding himself, the end he considers most effective Willing to Sacrifice: social standing (his self-worth, his mental health) Examples: pretending to like Hina so that Tobe wasn’t heartbroken and Hina wasn’t troubled and their group dynamic remained the same; letting Sena play the victim in order to get her to do her duties but remain a horrible human; willing to put himself down in front of the school in order to stop Iroha from becoming student council president Motivation: Likely because (like he says later in the series) he subconsciously wishes for something “genuine” and so while his behavior unintentionally perpetuates the superficiality that he purports to hate, he himself is genuine (like Rumi) and wants to help people. His behavior serves to ironically reinstate his bitter beliefs that nothing is genuine, yet at the same time is a call for help in desiring something genuine. Someone else commented that it is both narcissistic and self-deprecating—he fuels reasons to hate himself because he becomes further away from his ideals himself, yet he also increases his cynical stance and confidence in his methods when they work. 

Yukinoshita Fights for: the ideal end, the end she considers right Willing to Sacrifice: hard work (her body and time) Examples: willingness to run for student council president because Iroha and the school would be happy and she would undoubtedly do a good job, taking on Sena’s duties as leader of the festival despite refusing the role herself because then the festival would at least get done correctly Motivation: Still unsure, because there are parts they’ve alluded to that I still don’t understand yet, like how her mom handles things.

Yuigahami Fights for: the ending she desires Willing to Sacrifice: comfort/selfishness Examples: when she wanted to run for student council president to retain the image of the club she loves and save her two friends from sacrificing themselves, letting herself be stepped over so she didn’t fight with Yumiko Motivation: Her own happiness. She thinks in the short term and likes staying in her comfort box, which is why she just likes the status quo even if it’s fake. She also fights for endings she wants to happen, even if they’re unobtainable, like wanting Hina and Tobe together despite everyone else in her group knowing it would lead to awkwardness (Yui should have known that Hina doesn’t care for romance for herself if Yumiko knew it). While her motivations are selfish, they’re saved by the fact that she has a good heart.

[beckythesooh]

About Rape

Kinda falling in line with my previous rant, I have issues with rape in an unexpected way.

I’m chronicling this on tumblr because I’m obviously unable and unwilling to talk with anyone about this in person. NSFW, TMI, and trigger warnings all around?

Anyways, last September, I was likely raped. I say likely because I’m still hesitant to label it like that because it is someone I know, but I’m pretty sure based on objective evidence of what I know about rape, it would file as rape. But it also hurts me to say I was raped, because it feels like I have am a victim that lost a big part of me—because that’s what being raped means in society—yet I don’t want to see myself that way.

So, I went drinking with someone I know, who is married. I just wanted to go drinking, because drinking is fun. I meet new people. I don’t often get seriously hit on and I never go home with anyone and I’m usually always in control of my body. 

But apparently my body doesn’t have a good control of red wine which I didn’t know until it blacked me out an hour after I had drank it.

Said married “friend” and I were talking to an American couple, stationed at a military base in Okinawa I think. And we went to another bar where I went to the bathroom halfway through, locked the door, and just collapsed on the floor. I blacked out and the wife came and found me and called the friend I was with.

I was partially carried (I don’t think I was piggybacked? But I was at least 75% supported. I could move my legs but not support myself with them) to my friend’s hotel because he said that it was nearby in comparison to my hostel. I cannot stand, there’s not way in hell I could look at my phone to determine if this was true to not, but it probably was. The couple also walked with us to make sure I was ok, but they left when we got to the hotel. The wife was really nice and I think so got me water or something? I just remember she was very kind and texted my friend the next morning.

Now, as always, I use the term friend lightly, as he was the husband of someone I worked with who was willing to drive my other friend and I through Shikoku. I had only talked to him like 4 times really. But really, I don’t expect people that seem human to abuse you when you’re unconscious, so...

Basically, I collapsed on his bed, and wanted to sleep it off. But for some reason he took it as “this is the chance to have sex with her.” And he took off my clothes and forced himself on me. During this time, I was conscious but not in control of my body. And so I distinctly remember saying だめ (no) like 5-10 times. But I’m half alive and still crazy drunk with no energy. My voice can’t sound strong. It sounds like a cutesy weak girl. And he ignored it, as expected. And I thought very clearly, “Oh, this is how it is to be raped.”

To be honest, I gave in, because I knew my body can’t move. I also didn’t want my mind to be “I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I’M SUFFERING.” So I pretended like it was just sex for the sake of pleasure, even though I was morally disgusted by—not the fact that I was being raped really—but the fact that he was married and I knew his wife and it fucking pissed me off that he’s not only cheating on his wife but by raping someone.

Anyways...... another side note, I also remember his fingers were rough, and I didn’t know if he actually put his penis in me so I thought that his penis was small. I confirmed with him later when sober if he put it in and I didn’t want to insult his pride so I didn’t say that but..... that shade is the only thing that amuses me. Though it’s legit.

Anyways, when I woke up, I still remembered everything (I’ve never lost my memory despite throwing up) and ran back to my hostel where my other friend was still at. And if I ever need witnesses in the future (though I don’t know if she’ll remember because she honestly forgets everything), she knew I was gone the entire night, she was worried about me, she know I felt like absolute shit, she was the one that helped me buy hangover medicine, and I told her I threw up in the hostel bathroom. Hopefully she’ll remember one of those facts since I don’t have the phone number of the couple (the guy does though), and the hostel won’t remember a girl throwing up on the men’s toilet floor (he was really chill about it so I guess it’s normal). The rest of the trip around we ignored what happened. I don’t want to force myself to be sad about something.

When we got back from the trip, I did call him out. But I’m unfortunately not good at being confrontational in public, so I waited until we were in a place without people too nearby. By this time and during the trip, it was clearly evident that he had an infatuation with me because he kept trying to touch me and hold my hand and took biased photos of me during the trip. Anyways, I told him that I did not give consent, I told him no many times, and that it’s messed up because he’s married. And like... he said sorry that he did something that bothered me, but he made it seem like he didn’t understand why him being married makes it even worse. And it made me so... I dunno if it’s upset or disgusted or disturbed that his wife is someone who I’ve had a similar number of interactions with. I told him I wanted to tell her to clear my own conscious, but like all douchebags, he starts guilt tripping me by saying that all his businesses will be taken from him and his marriage will be dissolved and he might as well die. And I don’t feel pity for him, but I feel.... a word beyond guilt-tripped. Not blackmailed, but like... the same feeling. Like “I know you’re not serious, but in the 1% chance my life actually does go to shit, this is all because of you.” 

Anyways, I listened to what was going on with him and his wife, but I ultimately I was like wtf do you even want. He and his wife are known to be the only couple in the social group that I know them in that act like they are strangers. Everyone has commented on it. But like based on his biased story, it sounds like they’re both bad at marriage and shouldn’t be married. It was such a Japanese couple where they’re business partners more than life partners, and they don’t even eat dinner together. I didn’t know if I pitied them or was disgusted or irritated or pissed—probably all. Ultimately he blamed their small apartment and said he thinks it’d get better when they move soon, and I was like whatever, doubt it, but fuck your shitty lives. I don’t feel kindness for idiots who decide that lifestyle for themselves.

While I can say it crudely and truly now, to his face I tried to be a nice human. With regard to my last post on girls who don’t say the truth, I can understand not being able to say 100% your true feelings. But when my mind was working right and I truly felt something, I never lied about it, I never said yes when I meant no, though my drunk or confrontation-avoiding tone often did fuck the meaning up to sound a lot nicer than I meant, or I stayed shut in insulting people.

With that said, here are the things that I regret. Japanese entrepreneurship is all about networking—not capabilities (yes, hard to imagine but true from everyone I’ve asked). I knew he had a lot of business connections and experience—all mutual friends kept telling me and literally all of them told me to ask him. So after all this mess, I called him out to ask him to teach me about business. Because we both like to drink, it would end up him refusing to teach me about business in a respectable regard, and instead he would want to flirt with me. I would let it happen because I’m used to letting it happen knowing that I can stop it if it gets too far—which I did despite many attempts to bring me to a love hotel. But I also let him hold my hand, and one time I let him kiss me because I was so drunk, tired, and enjoyed wallowing in his attention. That would probably be my top regret in life, and I’m really sad that I let that happen, even though in the big picture it pales in comparison to rape. But I did have control over that and leading him on after the fact. (I’ve realized I’m a hand holding whore. Literally anyone can hold my hand and I really don’t care, and it’s happened a lot.)

--------------

Anyways, going back to the original topic (sorta; this is all a ramble).

I think the guy who raped me is a horrible human being.

But as someone I know who is connected with a social circle that both of us are largely involved in, I don’t want to hurt him.

I don’t want to believe I’ve been hurt either. More than anything I’m hurt that I’ve been used to hurt his wife and I don’t have the courage to tell her because it would make a mess of a huge social circle. I’ll try to tell her when I leave that social circle and this country for good. If he were single, it wouldn’t have bothered me as much and I could have pretended it was part of the hookup culture.

But like... the rape culture... bothers me. Because I think what he did and all men who rape are obviously very very wrong and deserve to be punished. But like I do know that the guys who are convicted of rape... their lives get ruined from it. And for something that I believe I’m strong enough to not let dictate my life (or want to be strong enough not to, not that I know if that is the truth or not), I don’t want to ruin lives. Yet at the same time, I also think that for a lot of rapists who grew up with such a toxic mentality, destroying their life might be the only way to rebuild them. And like... the person who did it to me, if I talk to him of course he seems human. But I do know that his mind is fucked up. It’s so fucked up and I told him this and he ignores it. And like I don’t care if he dies or his life is ruined, but I also don’t like being the one that is responsible. That in itself feels like the guilt of committing a crime...

There’s where I’m at a standstill. In the past, I thought if I were being cheated on, I would want to know, so I would want to tell the wife for sure. But it’s just way too scary to start a hurricane of crazy, for justice that won’t make me feel better. I know I should think of it in terms of will the wife feel better knowing. But in all honesty, I don’t know. I don’t know if she’d the type that would be able to date, because she's pretty bad at getting truly close to people (I mean, me too so no judgment). Especially since they’re so Japanese in everything else, it just feels like they’ll continue to be a couple in name and not in emotions, because that’s how it’s done in Japan.

I didn’t tell anyone any of this because I didn’t want to make it a big deal. But I did want to chronicle this on tumblr or somewhere so that in the future if I do speak up about it, it wasn’t a sudden lie.

Anyways, I guess in summary.

1. I don’t like how people who are raped must be broken.

2. I don’t like how the only justice involves destroying lives, including possibly your own too—especially if I don’t want to consider my life destroyed from rape as it is. 

[beckythesooh]

On Sexual Coercion and Rape

So, I just learned about the Paco and RHPC thing. Mostly Paco. (RHPC breaking up is sad too but Ryan seems burnt out and seemed to have lost a lot of motivation for a long while.) Anyways, I read the original tweets from both sides, Paco and the girl who claims she was pressured into sex, and it honestly is just a battle of who’s saying the truth.

In reality, they’re both just fucked up. Neither are clean and neither are completely scum. Within the girl’s story, she already proves that she isn’t innocent. Not that I know what her intent was, if this story was meant to slander Paco or if this was simply a story adding to a movement against many posts by girls to slander Paco. (I couldn’t easily find stuff on it and was too lazy to actually delve beyond Google.) But her story is painting her as a weak-ass bitch. I can’t support that in my generation of technology-dependent Americans—especially if you’re living in the hookup scene.

There’s something that pisses me off about the whole "women being pressured to have sex thing” that I can’t understand. In the past it was “no means no.” Then it changed to “if it’s not yes, it’s a no.” And now it’s at a “even yes can mean no.” 

That fucking pisses me off. I understand why people say that, but I disagree with it. The fucking girls that can’t just keep their fucking traps shut should not be protected for being pathetic. I can’t. I can’t be kind about that. That fucking pisses me off. That is promoting the fact that women can’t control their fucking mind and I don’t fucking accept that.

Ok, I guess I ranted about it before I actually discussed it, but basically here’s what happened:

Paco’s side: Asked a girl to come over, she did and she said she only wanted to cuddle. He wanted to have sex, but was like ok. But then she started making out with him—or maybe it was mutual, I don’t remember who said they started it—and then they start dry humping and she stops and says, “Damn, I lost the bet. I bet my friends I wouldn’t do more than making out.” And he goes, “... Uh, well, do you wanna keep going?” And she says ok and they have sex.

Girl’s side (sorry, while I can look up her name and be respectful, her name means nothing to me since I don’t follow her. For all intents and purposes her existence is simply as a girl. Not to say Paco’s name brand means much besides makes it easy to visualize the happening): He asked her to come over, she said she didn’t think she could a few times. He was texting her and she felt guilty and made time to come over. She tells him that she just wants to cuddle and expected him to follow that. They start making out. She said she didn’t want to have sex a few times but he kept asking and eventually she gave in. She regrets it afterward.

Ok. Now, let’s assume the girl’s story is correct. In which case she fucked up multiple times. She went over when she claims she didn’t want to. She puts her body’s actions under his responsibility? And then she gives into his questions of asking for sex. Coercion to me is not you fucking being weak minded. Coercion is when you feel threatened or forced for a reason beyond sexual desire. Even if he asks you multiple times for sex until you say yes, that is not fucking coercion unless he said he’ll fire you if you don’t or something like that. UGHH I CAN’T.

The majority of people got on his case for this, claiming sexual assault. But if I were a man, if I were in his shoes, how the fuck would you know you’re dealing with a human whose body is not even hers to control? If she says “yes you can touch it,” how the fuck would he know it meant no unless she made any sign otherwise? You may retaliate that her saying no many times before means no, but like (1) I can’t imagine she said no in a way that didn’t seem like a tease considering the flow of events, and (2) why would she say yes or even stay if she didn’t mean it? Someone referred to it as buyer’s remorse, but that’s what it is if there weren’t any actual signs. I can’t imagine they were like “let’s continue making out and continuously hit this sexual stop sign several times. It’s ok. It won’t end up in sex.” That’s just idiotic.

Let’s be clear, it’s fine for her to make a mistake and be an idiot. But that’s what it needs to be recognized as, not as his failure to stop her. It didn’t feel like him pressuring her, but her not communicating her real intentions and for some reason us all expecting him to be psychic. Further, I don’t think she had any control of her own emotions. I think it’s her responsibility to not drive her body around when she is not in control of her emotions.

I went back and read an article about Aziz Ansari. And in all honesty, it’s a similar situation, although Aziz was painted more pushy (unsure if forceful since the beginning of the story is always painted as fast but not against her will as much as surprised at the pace). What she said was that she gave visual and audio cues that she wasn’t happy. But because they’ve built up an atmosphere of lust, like what were the cues? That is a big part of the story. Same with if there was alcohol in either of them. While her non-verbal cues may be as strong as verbal cues (didn’t find enough evidence on what her cues were, but she clearly stated that she expected him to read non-verbal cues), as much as Aziz and all guys need to pay attention to if girls are happy or not (which isn’t something that can be evidence though since it is an interpretation only), the girl needs to say stop with her words too. In Aziz’s case, it sounded like she did say stop eventually and he stopped. But, like, if she simply follows his directions without hesitance, how do you know that she is upset? Guys can’t understand girls when they’re sober, how do you expect them to read subtle cues when they’re sexed up? And like that isn’t even excusing men’s behavior, because I fucking can’t read others’ emotions without hearing their tone of voice and word choice, and that could of course be a lie.

Now, in one of the Aziz articles, someone mentions that it can be difficult for someone to say no, out of fear of their lives or for a job or some sort of power held over you. And I can admit that this, like prey animals, can be ingrained to us to not be able to say it with anyone even if you’re not in fear of any of those things. But like... I still can’t see how your lack of communication is transferred as the guy’s fault.

And like I know it feels like I’m on guys’ side, which makes me feel weird because I am at a point that I don’t trust men (or anyone really but that’s another topic). But just logically, as a female... you need to take control of your own mind. Yes, women’s bodies are easily taken advantage of. Society is trying to teach guys not to take advantage of girls’ bodies. But like girls need to be in control of their minds. There’s a difference between your mind actively deciding against something because of fear for your body or other wellbeing, and just not using your mind.

Like, if this is just a devious ploy for women to slowly control the world by calling rape and playing the damsel in distress to the top... I can get down with that. But I never got the memo, so I’m assuming that people are just refusing to own up to their actions. And that is not ok.