Becoming Bionic

My name is Evan. I am 28 years old. I have been diagnosed with cancer twice in my life. It's not fun; you shouldn't try it. Doctors amputated my right leg above the knee -- I told them to do it. Surgeries to remove the recurrent tumor in that leg had left it damaged beyond repair.I am honest. I am raw. I am real. I am frustrated. I will tell you about it. You might get more out of talking to me than observing me.Kik: LongLiveOneWingSkype: ryknow225

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@letssweatypolicebouquetlove @karlskool @2canesovc-blog-blog @royalcaster @speakercrew @moq808 @maccartneyryan @arcanemath @findeunuch-blog @rettymann @artificiallimbs1944 @bumpsnstumps @julie-os @mindellin @icehogan @langerhals @tj3612 @kfarcast @davidlax777-blog @rsabracer @osterlausi @messiah1027 @cherry-crush @dounau01 @interestedina @bionicman1972 @ffffloaters @stimpybear @iamputee @theadenjr 

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Why I’m Not Attending Graduation

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat in front of a word document with the sole intention of expressing myself.  My Tumblr still bears the RIP date from nearly 3 years ago, and I don’t think that will change since I’d prefer to find a better vehicle for this type of thing going forward. omg, it still says I’m 28! Think I’ll leave that. But it’s been 3 years of physical and academic mountain climbing, and I don’t exactly have my shit back together from all of that yet, so this will have to do for now. 

There will be a graduation ceremony tomorrow, and I will not be there.  This decision has lead to a number of people staring at me like I have 2 heads (which is much stranger than the 1-legged stare).  Even when people hear about it over the phone or text, I can sense their strange reaction.  I can’t be surprised about people having that reaction, much like I can’t expect people to relate to the feeling of walking on a prosthetic leg.  It comes across like sour grapes.  Like I’m being bitter or lazy about doing something school related.  It’s understandable that friends, family, classmates, and even strangers would want this for me; this little moment to bask in accomplishment for all that I’ve endured to earn my Associates degree in Radiologic Technology.  I spent 18 months pushing 400lb patients around on stretchers, and then rolling their bodies around to get a proper X-Ray on them.  I shattered my daily distance record on this prosthesis time and time again.  I spent 8 months on a prosthesis that didn’t fit properly, causing severe burning pains and dangerous instability while I tried to take care of people.  I, along with the 24 other people graduating this year, endured an academic process that was quite frankly a total shit show of disorganization sprinkled with a touch of neglect.  Crutching up and down stairs to my Human Anatomy class on campus just to keep that skill sharp (and to show off).  But everyone has their own method of pushing through their challenges, and mine have been in place since before I started this journey.  The decision to not attend this ceremony was made years prior.  

In February 2014 I decided that I hated my life.  My 27th birthday was approaching, and I was only a couple months removed from the 5th surgery in just over a year.  This wasn’t just a recovery period for surgery, but recovery from what felt like a devastating failure.  I’d spent the previous year working my ass off to get adjusted to my first prosthetic leg, only to have the distal end of my femur (which basically means the “tip” for you non-anatomy nerds) fracture into pieces a few months into my rehab.  The end cause and result was that they did not amputate enough of my right leg, and there was a portion of my femur remaining (about an inch) that was too heavily damaged by the radiation therapy.  So we had to cut off more, and there I sat at the end of the healing process: faced with the prospect of starting over from square one.  My will had fractured with my femur.  

So what did I do?  I gave up.  I dropped everything.  I did what I always tell other people to do in the face of burdens, and let go.  I started a long journey back to life with the two words that have kept me churning since: “Fuck it.”   I needed hardening.  A solid base was the only thing that would get me past all of this, and I decided that I was going to live the life I wanted to live either with or without a prosthetic leg.  “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything,” (In Tyler we trusted).  This process went on for weeks as I began researching the career I wanted to pursue, having spent over a decade on the receiving end of MRI scans, CT scans, Radiation Therapy, and X-Rays.  There would be no more waiting.  The days as a victim had to end, purely for the sake of my own sanity.  It went so far beyond career, as I plotted (not fantasized) a course to building the type of life and being the type of person I was trying to get to before that fucking tumor ever grew on my thigh.  

Therein lies the two keys to all of this.  I set out on a mission to reclaim life, and I was only able to start that mission by adopting a killer instinct.  Career just happened to be the first mountain in my way.  This isn’t over for me.  This is a war to control who I want to be as a human being, and it doesn’t end with this one battle.  I knew that when I submitted that college application, and I vowed to hang onto this mindset until this war is over.  You have a parade at the end of the war, not after the first battle.  No, the first battle is when the bloody reality sets in, and reminders of your purpose and resolve are imperative to your perseverance.  

That doesn’t mean that this isn’t a good time for me, or that I’m not proud of what I’ve achieved.  I’ve been physically rebuilt again and again, with more to come.  I like this career more than I expected to.  I made more friends along the way than I could’ve asked for.  And I’ll see those friends tomorrow.  Our favorite professor put together a little shindig at a bar right after the graduation ceremony, and you can bet your ass that I’ll be there – probably before anyone else.  This is a part of that life I’d set out to reclaim, a fact which is not lost amidst my hardened mindset.  This is my way of doing both.  

I can see how all of this reads like a dramatic rationalization for something very minor, especially to people who’ve spent a lot of time around me the past couple years.  To some extent it really is.  I crawled out of a very deep mental/emotional hole thanks to that brutal attitude adjustment, and even I don’t know how deep that hole truly was because I stopped paying attention to it.  So if I can barely grasp it all, I sure as shit don’t expect anybody else to.  What I do know is that when I see myself in a mirror I also see more struggles ahead.  I’m not finished using this side of myself.  And why not stick with it?  One important piece is nearly in place, and now I can segue towards (re)building another piece of myself.  I’m not the exact same person I was back then, but there is a real need to remain faithful to the outlook that’s enabled me to even get to this point.  Because I have a dire need to not be this person a year from now.  

lolol jk jk I forgot to order my cap and gown and said “fuck it, I’mma just sleep in and go straight to the bar”

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Hey Tumblrverse. Figured it was worth commemorating that I actually achieved what I set out for when I started this whole thing in 2012. Maybe it means something... To someone... Somewhere.

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Tomorrow's the big day. A lot went into this. #radiology #radiologytech #medicalfield #clinicals

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1043 days to finally feel complete.

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#country #peaches #90smusic

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Today is a monumental day, and I've decided to celebrate with the only meal that could fit the occasion. Arby's: Your bowel movements will hurt worse than saying goodbye. #jonstewart #dailyshow #comedycentral #goodbye #thankyou #arbys #constipation

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With the prosthetist for some new measurements for a new socket. Words can't express how badly I need this. Right now my body is literally held together with a Velcro strap, which feels about as ridiculous as it sounds. Nearly 3 years after losing my leg, I'll finally get to experience a suction type socket. We'll have a test socket in 2 weeks. 😆😆😆#prosthetic #prosthesis #prosthetics #amputee #amputeelife #amputeeproblems

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Set your diet aside and celebrate 3 full racks of #murica. #4thofjuly #independenceday #pork #ribs #BBQ

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I've conquered the ritual of shaving my head. It once belonged to cancer, but now it's mine. #notreally #baldnessgene #safetyrazor #shavelikeaman #cancer

[becomingbionic]

You're gonna fall. And you can bet your bottom dollar that it will happen in front of a shitload of people. It's just a thing that happens when you're new to this. If you're only focused on avoiding the falls, then you're not going to make as much progress. Master the fall, and master getting your ass up from it. Then modify your approach, and push yourself towards another fall, or another sore muscle, or another uncomfortable position, or whatever else it is that you're up against. #amputee #amputeelife #amputeeproblems

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Verifying different knee settings with some more of my shoes. Different shoes, different weight, different settings on the knee. And sometimes different colors. #amputee #amputeelife #prosthetic #amputeeproblems

[becomingbionic]

Cooked up some vastly improved settings on my knee. Learning how to adjust this thing has completely changed how I work on my rehab. I'm finally getting to the point where it's as simple as "get out there and walk!" #amputeelife #amputee #amputeeproblems #prosthetic

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My foot is rather creaky today. Must be the humidity. #amputee #amputeelife #amputeeproblems #isitevenhumidtoday?

[only-if-you-say-so]

justrollinon & becomingbionic I was scrolling my personal tags and a year ago this week we had that blast of a conversation about me not ever receiving oral from my pos ex. I figured you’d be happy to know I have a great bf now who not only enjoys giving oral but gives it on a regular basis. You two were right. I was hella missing out. That is all.

Also other followers, my bad. Ignore this lol. It’s been quite a year.

[becomingbionic]

Another poor soul saved from bad sex. Once you’ve had the good stuff you realize that it’s almost better to starve than go back to the bad stuff... all it does is cost you sleep.