The Abysmal Savior—Looking Glass
Not everyone is my friend. Just because someone reaches out towards me does not mean their intentions are to help me. My hope was misplaced in this piece. I don’t remember the details but something or someone caused me to feel this way. This is a lesson learned.
I had a bad habit of projecting friendship onto everyone I vibed with. I always assumed that just because someone seemed nice, that they were nice. And that wasn’t the case.
I’m still adjusting and learning these lessons because these flaws have been in my nature since childhood.
When I was a child, making a friend was as simple as introducing myself and sharing a snack, playing on the playground, or having a sleepover with Barbie dolls in tow. My parents had a huge impact on who I was friends with, and I consider that a good thing. I was surrounded by people I loved who loved me too. It was only when I left home and fell into the wrong crowd that things fell apart.
Discernment is still something that I’m learning now. My inner child still wants to trust every smile. My adult self is wary of everyone and has major trust issues. I’m always at war with myself and it’s exhausting. I don’t know what “trust” means to me yet. It’s more of a feeling I get, this certainty I experience around certain people. But I don’t trust it because I’ve been wrong plenty of times before. I don’t trust my own judgement even though life is not designed to be lived alone. I don’t want to be alone, yet I don’t trust that the people I surround myself with won’t hurt me beyond repair. I don’t fear the pain, I just don’t want to deal with it. I’m too old for high school drama.
I’m learning that protecting my peace, is self-preservation, not paranoia.