seen from Russia
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from China
seen from Austria
seen from China
seen from South Korea
seen from Japan
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Russia
seen from Singapore
seen from China
seen from China
seen from Philippines
seen from Taiwan
seen from Russia
seen from Malaysia
seen from China
Tis the 1st of June;
and though eye know
to be glad for this life
i’ve been granted
my thoughts trail downward.
a mopey child, some would remark.
why must we struggle, why do i
wish to be anywhere other than here?
alas, there exists no antidote
to be found here.
perhaps that is my right,
to be forlorn and dour.
shall still strive when needed;
what other choice do i have?
even if i feel as though
a strong gust would send me
stumbling.
how i still dread the fall.
Sanity is being able to edit your thoughts, to a certain extent…. -- Michael Lipsey
*slides bottom!SZC agenda across table* but listen, honeymooning SongXiao, pre-yeet city arc (which never happens at all), and have you seen the starstruck expression on Song Zichen's face as he watches Xiao Xingchen? that man will absolutely let XXC have his way with him, at the same time waxing poetically about how beautiful and good for him XXC is, in this essay I will-
Laying in bed watching the smoke twirl around the room like a ballerina center stage. My heart beats steady to the tempo of the music softly playing in the background like the steady rain drops on the tin roof. Breathing slowly to ease the racing mind trying to win the race between cruel thoughts and peaceful times. An internal war that leaves both sides injured and broken.
I made a list of all the people I need to apologize to. It’s one of the first and last steps to forgiving yourself. Now, I need to write apologies. They don’t actually have to be specific, but I feel some truly do. I hurt a lot of people. I know I did. There are so many people who refuse to speak to me or even see my face as I am blocked on all social media. I was a hurricane coming & I did warn them, but they were so entranced by the colors, lightening and destruction while being led into the eye. When they left the eye, it was my choice for them to be led out. I realized I could no longer be that person. And they all realized how truly terrible I had been and what I had done. I did warn them, but I don’t blame them. I do get angry with myself from time to time. But that’s not how I act any longer. I know I’m a different person. A year ago, when I was supposed to apologize, I wasn’t ready. I now am ready, but I need resources to lean on and need to finish writing apologies. These people deserve a true apology no matter the situation.
pmb-s 08/22/19
My head is a mess.
Cluttered with thoughts and images, questions and confusion.
To the point that I find it impossible to think of anything at all.
Nothing is wrong. Yet everything is.
The need to break free, go numb and find silence is so over powering I ache.
The desire to be alone, yet not lonely digging at my soul.
I need out of my own head and for someone else to take the wheel.
I don’t think I can do it on my own anymore.
To the universe and beyond it’s kinda of a sleepless night. I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m just staring into the darkness thinking about life. Everything is so uncertain and up in the air. I’m scared. I’m scared of not doing something meaningful with my life. Of not getting the happily ever after I’ve dreamt of since I was a child. Someone recently told all these expectations are just setting road blocks or limits for myself. I want to just go with the flow of life but how do you stop worrying. Everything is always easier said than done. So I’m left thinking of what is love to me. I was also told recently that I may be addicted to the idea of love. I feel that it’s true I want a love story. I want someone that’s overly romantic like me. I’m emotionally needy and I don’t people my age want that. I’m scared of being alone. It’s not that I want to be dependent on another person. I just want someone to be connected to me. I just want love and to give love. Life is scary.
She was a bird in another life, she was sure of it. She could feel the wind running through her ribcage like it was pulling her towards some undisclosed migration pattern. Or maybe she was a dog, she thought, her nose twitching at the smell of hollow wood and damp leaves. She wanted to be barefoot but the city was no place for that. She wanted her body to feel like an instrument, not a tool. But the buildings held her in, a fortress of civilization, a sea changing directions but always returning to the same point. "One day," she said, "I will lay down on the forest floor and the forest will take me back."
