BecomingWho

[becomingwho-blog]

Transparency For Dummies

I have been so MIA for the last month And I guess that’s what happens when you work in retail during the holidays. Since I’ve been gone from this universal plane I feel as if I’ve gone through so many things and it’s only been a month. Last time we chatted I talk about a boy. A boy that I believed I was in love with. Turns out I was correct in what my gut was saying because this boy truly didn’t care for me the way I had hoped. I believe I handled the situation pretty well, I didn’t get angry at him at that moment and I thought through everything I had to say, but just to think two years ago I don’t think I would’ve done that. Scratch that, I know I wouldn’t have done it. Of course, I went through my stages. First thing I did was call my best friend on FaceTime and cry. Of course, within an hour after the conversation, I was laughing. Yes, there was an angry stage too. I was angry at him, but I was also angry at myself. I believe in people way too much sometimes, and sometimes it seems to always hurt me. I love to see what people can be rather than who they actually are. I was angry at myself for not trusting my gut in the beginning because part of me knew that this was always going to be the ending. My situationship was nothing more than that. But I was angry at him because he knew for so long that he didn’t feel the same way as me and I made it so clear how I felt about him. I gave him chances to tell me, I asked him so many times. But like I said I feel like I handled this very well. I didn’t have any suicidal moments I didn’t do any cutting, which to be very honest was the first time after having my heart broken that I didn’t cut myself. I guess you can say I’m proud.

But I feel like the situation with him was the first situation in a lot of situations to make me feel horrible this past month. Even though I didn’t feel like killing myself because of him I did have my moments and they were pretty bad. But I’m finding ways to work past a lot of stuff and being very transparent and open with not only the people in my physical life but also my digital life.

I think the highlight of my January resolutions is transparency. I feel transparency is very necessary for growing and also healing mentally. When there’s nowhere to hide it’s easier to open up and I feel as if, for me, that’s what makes my emotions so difficult to deal with, is the fact that I don’t let anybody else know about them. That’s also the reason I created this Tumblr page and that’s also going to be the motivation for my YouTube channel. Transparency, my life, I guess.

I promise I’ll be more diligent and open about what’s going on in my life even though some of you might not even care. I guess this is my therapy. I also promise to show this to the world but let’s just kind of ease into that one. I know that I need to stop hiding in times of high stress and start being open about how I’m feeling because honestly while writing this I’m feeling weights been lifted off of me. 

I have so much planned. I know I say this every year but next year will be so much better. I start school, I’m actually trying to grow, and I’m starting to find myself. It’s like the perfect recipe for a good year. But then again let’s not jinx it.

Good night and God bless.

[sur-le-infini]

[becomingwho-blog]

Voices and Love, What Could Go Wrong?

Maybe I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I’ve been hurt one too many times. Maybe I’m just crazy, but it seems like I’m the one who can always contribute bad things into my romantic relationships. Honestly, it’s most likely on my desire for a fictitious display of a relationship. I will put up with so much in hopes for a label. I will sacrifice my own mental health in hopes of love. But the moment I get it all, I destroy it any way I can. I start accusing. I start doubting. I start idly standing by as my relationships slip away. I would love to blame this on so many other things, and I probably could. Actually, I know I can, but not really. I know I have a problem and for a brief moment I saw someone to unravel all my issues and destroy the disorders my trauma has given me, but then I stopped. Knowing my whole life that something was wrong with me and then finding out the only way I can truly get better is to relive all the horrible parts of my life.  Yeah, I’ll pass.

But here I am 22 and pining after someone who could potentially be the perfect person for me, but I know I’m going to ruin it. Since it’s not going at the speed I wish it was and we aren’t happy in love after almost a year of knowing one another, something has to be wrong. Or that’s what my mind is telling me. See my mind likes to play these stupid little games where it will plant these ideas in my head and watch me squirm. It’s like pouring salt on a snail, I can’t stand not knowing if this idea is real or not. I am convinced this man truly wants nothing to do with me and if I keep it up, he won’t. How do I express these things to someone who isn’t behind a computer screen?

Last night, I was determined to talk to him to get to the truth of this idea. Am I wasting my time or is their truly a future for us? But the moment a message had the wrong tone, I flashback to my relationship from three years ago, he seems angry. I know it could be because he works a lot, but my fear of arguments got the better of me and I bowed out, crying myself to sleep because I felt weak and confused. The worst part about my tears was that they were in no way his fault. I keep putting myself in situations to get hurt. I keep coming up with ideas and thinking the worst. I make myself cry and want so badly to blame my tears on someone else, but I could never blame my tears on him. He is hands down one of the greatest men I have ever met, and he would never make me cry, well not on purpose of course.

I wish he could though, maybe it would make things easier for me. Maybe if he did just up and leave and waste my time, I would find satisfaction. I would be hurt but at least the voice in my head was right. At least I’m hurt and right and not just hurt. Now isn’t that twisted, give me the pain so I can be correct. Who asks for that?

My desire to blame my pain and my worries onto someone else is liking walking through a house with all the mirrors covered. I can never see who truly is at fault. I mean it’s good I’m coming to this realization, but did I get there too late? I guess we will have to just take everything as a lesson so far. Maybe this one is my test and it’s pass or fail.

[syntacked]

via weheartit

[bled]

via vsco.co

[compulsive]

[becomingwho-blog]

Chapter One: I’d Rather Ignore Honesty

Two weeks ago, I was at a Woman’s Bible Study that my best friend and I had recently started going to. Due to our schedules, well more like mine, we didn’t get to go every time they had a meeting. We tried. We had come late in the game and weren’t completely able to follow all they were talking about. Turns out they were reading a book, a book neither one of us possessed but were very intrigued hearing about. A wonderful soul in my group who had completely read through the book, back and forth, and wanted to pass it forward. Forward into my direction. I am a lover of books and with the right book will spend hours reading, maybe even days. This is how I got my hands on “Uninvited” by Lysa TerKeurst.

In this process of self-discovery, I felt like this book would be the perfect partner in understanding some major parts of myself. The book was about “feeling loved when you fell less than, left out, and lonely” and I definitely feel all of those on a constant basis.  I wanted to analyze and compare my thoughts and her words. What would stick out to me and what would we both hold in common as it pertains to being?

So, I delve into the first chapter. Immediately connecting with its title, because let’s be honest no one enjoys totally unfiltered honesty.

Honesty has become to be seen as a weapon to so many people. We don’t open up to others and be completely honest in fear of having our own truth used against us. I know I am one of those people, I fear of opening up and being honest and vulnerable because one of two things always happen. Either they use it against me or they let me open up just to leave. My mind has conditioned me to believe those are my two outcomes with being honest to others. I continually wait for the other shoe to drop in all my relationships, and almost always it does. One thing she says in this chapter that really does attach itself to my soul is “honesty isn’t trying to hurt me. It’s trying to heal me.” I would like to say all that all my honest moments have ended in me feeling like I was stuck in a nightmare wear I mysteriously appear naked in front of crowd, but there have been few instances were my honesty was met with compassion and encouraging words. Even then, I wait for that stupid shoe to hit the ground at an expedited rate and explode in my face.

I guess you can say that my fear of total honesty stems from rejection. My therapist said it and so did this book. Being honest in my case was other peoples cop out as to why I could not be a part of their lives. I remember going through a brief phase were I continually said how much I didn’t want to be accepted by everyone else. I didn’t want to “conform to what everyone else wanted me to be”. Truth is no one wanted me to be a certain way, I did. I did and felt as if I failed at it. I was so bad at being like other people and holding onto my own demons I walked around feeling set apart. I felt rejected but not because I was in every instance but because after being rejected a few times I started rejecting myself. I made it impossible to be accepted. She describes this as self-rejection. “Self-rejection paves the landing strip for the rejection of others to arrive and pull on up to the gates of our hearts.” This quote could never be truer. Being rejected by others for reasons you fell you have “talked to yourself about” is what makes rejection even worse. And it adds to the weight in your spirit and truly does start to poison your soul with continuous self-doubt.

At the end of this chapter she talks about the line, the label and the lie. “We connect an event from today to something harsh someone once said. That person’s line becomes a label. The label becomes a lie. And the lie becomes a liability in how we think about ourselves and interact in every future relationship.”

My goal for this week is to go through in my mind and to uncover those lies, what makes me feel the way I do when it comes to rejection? What do I have to “talk to myself about” the most? I will do this and debunk all those lies that are floating around in my head.

[coral]

[same-noir]

[rafaeldearaujo]

[becomingwho-blog]

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Why have I become me? Who is me?

BecomingWho

I’ve always asked my self the first two questions. Why and who have I become? I’ve gotten close to reaching the surface with three therapy sessions two years ago. Maybe I stopped going because facing the trauma that was arising from my memories was becoming too much to handle properly. Or maybe alcohol seemed less personal, and I have always been a fan of less personal. I’ve opened myself up the wrong kind of way to the wrong kind of people. I prayed for evil to stay in my life and have even stopped praying, blaming a higher power for the problems that I have prayed for. I sound twisted now that I look at it, and as many of you begin to read this you will think I am. Truth is I am. Nothing in my head is completely right but that is the truth of utter normality. No one has a head of completely right and logical thoughts, what fun would that be.

At the age of 10, I stopped being happy. No trauma, no reasoning, just utter unhappiness. No, at this point I wasn’t being bullied. Quite the contrary, I had just started a new school, where I had made so many new friends. Friends that I still talk to till this day. So why the sudden unhappiness?

Just for the information of all the ten readers out there, no. No the happiness has not actually returned.

My lack of complete happiness is why I wanted to make this blog. I want to explore the realms of my own brain and what it’s doing to make me, well me. Who am I becoming and how am I becoming this person? I also want to see the effect of changes that I make? From health, to romance, to any form of relationships. Can a change in the way that I perceive myself to be, change who I really am? Do I truly know myself? My likes, my dislikes. Are they calculated or are they pure?

A blank page, a new beginning, a fresh start. Within my abilities as a human who has already lived 22 years on this Earth and with the knowledge, I can’t just stop doing everything, I will be giving myself an almost blank page.

I started with my Instagram. Deleted the old and created a new. Next will be my diet. On Sunday I will start a week fast. I am going to rid my body of everything and chart the negative and positive effects of healthy, unhealthy, sweet, savory, and so on and so forth. I am going to take seven days to learn about myself. To take time to myself through meditation, to create a proper routine for myself. Something I can live with not just something I’ve seen some YouTuber do.

Oh yeah and all this will be going on YouTube. Why just account everything through text?