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Today was a great day! So productive and fun! Went for a walk around campus on coffee, it’s pretty much a ghost town there right now with all the students gone for summer, but the buildings themselves give off vibes, and I just love what they are sending out!

I think that once I am completely running solo in my position that things will really start coming together. Today was a testament to my eagerness and capability. It was also a good start to proving that the EA position should no doubt be mine.

After work, Mr. Jakob and I went to sign up for classes at Freedom Functional Fitness. It looks like it is going to be a fantastic place to work out at! First day is tomorrow and I am excited. My body is going to hate me at first, but then it will love me. I have a long way to go to get back to my previous skill set, but I am super pumped for the journey.

Hopefully going to trade my Journey in for a Jeep this weekend! Can't wait for that! Lot’s to happen yet this week. Focus on the positive path is strong and good things will come. :)

Alignment

I heard something yesterday that made me think, a lot. In order to be at peace and move ahead in life, your thoughts, words and actions must align. If you think you want change, say you want change but then do not act like your thoughts and words, nothing will change. No matter how much you think or speak, it MUST be acted upon in order for change to happen.

I realized that I haven’t been aligned in a long time. Different pieces of me have been out of line at different times which is most definitely the reason I am where I am today.

I know what I want, I have been thinking about it for a long time. I have just recently started speaking about it and now I have to act. I have to. For me. I am finally where I want to be, in Saskatoon, working at the University, creating a life here. In a relationship that I’m not sure can survive this. I truly don’t know if he will support my journey or if he will seek a different path.

But I don’t think I can worry about that at this point. I have to worry about me and focus on me. I don’t have anything to give right now because I haven’t been giving myself anything. I haven’t taken care of my mental and physical health.

I want to wake up on my 40th birthday and feel like I have invested in myself and initiated change in my life. I want to wake up on my 40th birthday and feel good!!

Two months, 60 days. Short term goals are:

1. Gym, at least 4 times per week.

2. Clean food choices.

3. Alcohol only once per week.

4. FB & Twitter blackout - Instagram will remain.

5. Read and/or write at least 3 times per week.

All of these are completely realistic goals and something I know with confidence that I can do. It’s the third piece that will need to align in order to change. Action. I got this.

Another Monday

Time seems to be passing by so quickly, yet at the same time so slow. Plans of a new life are at the surface and in a weeks time will start to become a reality. It’s hard to wait for good things, I am too indulgent in the not good things. I fully believe that unless I routinely practice patience I will never truly get what I want out of life.

Patience has always been my downfall and justification a close second. I can justify anything, a n y t h i n g. Then it eats me alive. It’s a vicious cycle.

I need to focus on being more honest with myself. It’s a hard thing to do. To admit that I don’t truly want that drink, or that junk food. It gets me nowhere. I know this, yet I shut off that part of my brain and justify. And regret. And kick my ass. How fun does that sound? Is it worth it? No. But do I have the capacity to get through this. History tells me yes. My present self isn’t sure. Sigh. So much self doubt. So far to go.

Emotion

Runs high unchecked through space and time

Creating chaos in its wake

Taking twisting creating its own story

Devastating minds and hearts alike

Emotion

Strolls lazily controlled by hearts and minds

Creating love and safe places

Giving expressing its shared thoughts

Trusting constructing the future

Emotion

#emotions #expression #rustywriter

What Reality Looks Like Now...

A lot has happened in the past year, like a lot. I think back to this time last year and I shudder with the memories that flood in. I am without a doubt a completely different person. I have sacrificed some things that I never thought I would to get myself to this point. But I am truly okay with my path.

For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I am at peace with myself. I am okay with life. In fact, life is pretty fucking good right now. Looking at me, about 35 pounds heavier, one would think that my confidence and self esteem are at an all time low, but it’s funny, it’s the exact opposite. I know who I am, I no longer tolerate less that what I deserve and this strength and belief in myself has gotten me a long way.

A sabbatical was needed from my previous existence, to untangle myself from negative forces. Refocus my efforts and begin again. That is something that I seem to be very good at, beginning again. I have started over so many times thus far in my life that I could and should probably write a book. I have learned so much, sure, mistakes were repeated, but I figure that was because the lesson was not completely learned so those situations had to continue a little longer.

Your reality is what you shape it be. It can literally be any goddamn thing you want, you just can’t be afraid to start over if it doesn't work out. Learn from it and try again.

I am trying to grow my character by controlling my emotions and projecting what I want to receive in return. It is hard because certain variables cannot be controlled but if you maintain focus on your direction you will see your reality take shape.

The biggest area that I am focusing on each day, is respecting others perception of the situation. Just because I don't see ice on the road and logic tells me that there isn’t ice on the road, if someone else believes that the road is icy, it is, simply because that it is THEIR reality. And I don’t get to fuck with that, I don’t get a say in that, just like they don’t get a say in shaping my reality.

Sure, you can work with others on shaping a mutual reality, carving out a life together, but the only way that can happen is if you respect THEIR version of your shared reality and they respect YOUR version. Mutual reality is based on respect. And if you have respect, your relationship will grow.

It’s tough keeping an open mind on literally everything, listening completely to others and voicing your opinion without being overbearing but it’s worth it. It’s beginning to create the foundation of my new reality.

#reality #personalgrowth

This is my goal. To break free. To unfold my wings and fly. It’s coming. I feel it. Change is still happening within me. Things are sharper. I’m taking responsibility for my decisions, or lack there of. I’ve allowing myself forgiveness and I am not beating my soul into oblivion. I’m not internalizing others words and actions. Which is hard for me. I do catch myself but I flip out of it quickly. I need to regain my strength for me. Both inside and out. Because I so desperately want to fly.

Terrified

I was terrified tonight that I would run into my mother at my son’s hockey game. I should’ve known that odds were, she was “sick” and wouldn’t show up.

I was very relieved. I am not ready to see her. I don’t want to interact with her, I just want to be. I just want to move forward on my new path and never look back.

I am feeling like overall the connections I’m making with the past and the behaviours, are allowing me to grieve and ultimately set boundaries.

Still lots to go thru. Still a long way to go. It’s exhausting. But I know it will be more than worth it. 😊

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I tolerate a lot. Way more than I should. I think that letting things slide and roll off is easier than just dealing with the fuckery. But what I see now is that this tolerance is killing me. I’ve lost my voice and in the process of it all I’ve allowed myself to get trampled down.

I am trying to take responsibility for my choices and behaviours. Definitely a work in progress! But I also need to start creating boundaries for myself, what is acceptable to allow in my life and what isn’t. What words, actions and emotions from others are a benefit to me and what is potentially harmful. I also need to act in accordance to my true self and not harm others in the process. I think if I define those boundaries for myself, it will naturally flow into my behaviours towards others.

It feels good to let some people know that it is not okay to say things to me that are coming from their own fears and insecurities. It is not okay that they are projecting that onto me. I think piece by piece and situation by situation, I will get this figured out and create the boundaries that I am lacking.

It’s extremely hard trying to sort this stuff out, there are so many facets that keep popping up. It makes me realize that I truly have just been winging the shit out of my life, I have been reactive to it all. This process is definitely going to take some time. My patience will truly be tested. This is uncomfortable, it’s hard, but it’s the only way I can get out and truly change and alter my future.

#change #AN

Day, I’m not really sure... A.N.

The biggest thing that I am learning through this, is that I need to stop taking on feelings when it comes to others decisions and lives.

I attach feelings to everything outside myself and am void within my own decisions. I think it is a coping mechanism to avoid what is happening in my life. It’s easier not to take responsibility when there’s nothing attached to it.

I am learning that not everything needs a response. That I am not required to explain myself. That if things aren’t serving me in a positive way, I don’t have to engage.

The challenge for me is to stay focused on this awareness and not revert back into the rut that currently is my life. This will take some time and a lot of effort to make my new norm.

I’ve avoided or not done things my whole life because my mother does them. I’ve spent my whole life trying not to be like her and I think I’m missing out on things because of it. Things that create a positive environment for me. It’s hard to shift the thought to doing something because it makes me feel good rather than doing it because my mother thinks I should. It’s hard to separate that.

I think the less I interact with her, the more ground I will be able to gain. I’m just not sure how to create or set up that boundary. That’s the piece that I am struggling to figure out right now. And I feel it’s integral.

Day Five (AN)

Hockey parents. You will never find a bigger bunch of fake nice people in your life. Before the game and as long as their team is winning they’ll be nice to you. Otherwise, you don’t exist. Oh, and hockey dads, well, there’s a whole other blog that would need to be created for that.

Ladies, it’s not me that you have to watch out for, it’s your loving husband. The amount of inappropriate comments or jokes that I receive are unfathomable. Even tonight. Laughing in my face about a slip of the tongue that I had while selling 50/50 to your saggy middle aged white ass, limp dick husbands.

I sit on the sidelines for a reason. I keep to myself for a reason. Your husbands are pigs, but would believe me if I told you. No. So I stay the fuck out.

Ugggggg. So frustrated tonight with the whole gambit. I love watching my boy play but I’ll be glad when the day is over and I don’t have to deal with these fuckwads anymore.

Day Three (AN)

Today was hard. I was tired. It was hard to keep my emotions in check. I want to rage. I want to be angry but I also do not want to play the victim card. That’s the very last thing I want to do.

It’s hard because I don’t know where that line is or if there even is a fucking line. I don’t want to place blame, yet I’m so angry with everything that is coming to light. This is a huge struggle for me and it’s exhausting to be honest.

I cannot wait to talk to someone. I need that outlet in the worst way. All I’m hoping for is that it isn’t a long wait to get in somewhere. And by long wait, I mean I better have something booked next week or that’s too long. 🤨

I’m too tired to be articulate right now so this is all I have to give today.

#survivor

Day Two (AN)

Gawd that sounds good, letting all those things go and creating a life of desire and serenity. Letting go. It sounds so amazingly easy, like I’m holding onto a helium balloon and all I must do is simply open my hand.

Right now I feel as if these emotions are ripping through my soul. Fighting to be acknowledged and released. Some were definitely released last night and I felt different today. I think that’s the most important piece, I feel different. Even if only slightly.

That’s when you know that what you are making happen is sticking, you feel it. You can see that definitive line from old feeling to new.

Still reading lots of blogs and websites on the subject of being raised by a narcissist and it’s like someone took my life and transplanted it all over the Internet.

Sadly, there are so many people out there like me. It’s a relief to know that I am not a minority in this fucked up situation, but at the same time my heart breaks 💔 that there are so many of us.

I am looking forward to talking with someone in regard to this matter. To gain perspective on how I can slowly release these pieces of darkness that are stuck in my soul.

I most definitely am not looking forward to facing her now that I have opened this door in my journey.

I truly don’t know if a relationship of any kind can be had. I don’t think she’s capable of respecting my boundaries, history says she won’t be.

Hopefully sleep will be a little more steady tonight.

#narcissistic

The First Day

My life seems to come to significant points in time where I know with 100% certainty it was altered. There was a time in high school when I got back together with an ex rather than explore something new. Altered. I remember that moment when the new boy found out. It’s clear in my mind.

Again at the end of high school, got back with an ex rather than explore something new and again I remember clearly, the moment the new boy found out.

I was scared of the unknown new situation. Scared that both those guys loved me and my ex’s did not. It was easier to be unloved.

In my mid twenties I remember sitting in the back of a cop car, completely wasted and literally not giving a fuck if they took me away, or I died. It was rock bottom for me. And days after that moment, I found out I was pregnant.

It was the first moment in my life that I knew I had to pivot for good or I would die. My boy saved my life but I still didn’t know how to live.

I was drunk for most of his early years. I compensated by loving him fiercely and despite my fuck ups, he has turned into a miraculously amazing kid.

I always believed and maybe still do, that I fall just short on the parenting scale. In fact, I feel that I fall short on all the scales in my life.

I’ve grasped serenity, briefly for short period in time in 2013 and I’ve been chasing it ever since.

I felt strong in mind and body and soul. I felt confident in my beliefs and in my standards, and then I compromised. I always go back to fucking compromising.

I’ve struggled to figure out what is holding me back in this life, as it seems to be getting slowly worse for me over time. But nothing seemed to jump to light.

Until now.

I knew I was in a relationship with a narcissist when I dated JB but what I didn’t realize, and fully do now, is that I was raised by one.

Ding, ding, ding. Bells are going off, alarms are sounding.

I’ve finally started to research narcissistic mothers and I connect with 95% of everything I have read. Everything that I am struggling with in my life, including the alcohol, food & relationships is all side effects from being raised in a toxic relationship.

I’ve broken down into sobbing, tearful messes twice already as the pieces of the puzzle slowly come together in an actual image that makes sense. I’m 100% sure there will be more sobbing, tearful messes in my future as I navigate this.

I feel like this is a MUST for me. I feel like in order for me to move on in life and find that serenity and self love that I am so desperately searching for, I need to talk about this, rage about this, cry about this and heal my soul.

So today is Day One of the rest of my life. Day One after narcissism (AN).

Lots of work ahead. I’m scared. I truly am, but growth doesn’t happen inside your comfort zone.

Isn't that the #truth

A Long Time Coming

It feels weird. I feel weird. I walked away from an almost three year relationship today and I honestly don't know how I feel. Life has taken so many crazy twists and turns for me. I used to think that I would know when I found that person for me. But I've been wrong. Like way off. More than once. How do people know? Is there a feeling? Is there a green light that flashes for you to proceed?? I don't get it. I keep falling for the wrong ones. I think I know what I want but at the end of it all, my relationship doesn't even remotely resemble what I want. And why the fuck is that?? My soul tells me the moment I compromise myself but my brain and my heart sure take a long time to catch up. I need to really learn to listen to my soul on a regular basis. B

October 1, 2014 ~~ two years ago today I walked into a black & yellow box that would forever change my life. I have pushed myself beyond my comfort zone, made life altering changes & met some amazing people. The picture comparison above is just the surface of the changes that I have experienced. They are the bonus. I am healthier & stronger physically, emotionally & mentally, which means more to me than anything. CrossFit has given me a different outlook on life & has brought me things I would never have dared dream about. To those I have met & those who have supported me along the way, I say thanks. I appreciate it all, so much. To those out there who want to bring change into their lives, I say do it. Do it now. It's not easy, but then again nothing worth having should be easy. But in the end, it's worth it. Don't look back with regret that you didn't put yourself out there. Life is short, have the best one you can. No excuses, no limits. WOD on peeps, WOD on. B

Holy Fuck

Things are crazy, not in my world, but in those around me. Mass change is about to happen & I'll admit, it's scary. It's scary because change brings us to the unfamiliar. This upcoming unfamiliar is going to have an effect on me even though it has nothing to do with me. I stand behind my previous statements but cannot stand with them, if that makes any sense. I just have to sit by & watch the story unfold & provide the friendship & type of support to those around me that I have received from them. Heartbreak, hardships, new beginnings & hope, is what I foresee in the near future. I just hope everyone makes it out on the other side.

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