When Someone Comes Out as Autistic…
I wrote about some reactions I got when I “came out” as autistic, but I decided to make a related post talking about the “wrong” and “right” way to react when someone tells you they are autistic.
“But you’re so smart/pretty/nice/etc.!”
“But you don’t look autistic!”
“But you’re good at/can do X.”
“I’m sorry you have autism.”
“You mean Asperger’s/high-functioning autism, don’t you?”
“I might be a little bit autistic”/”Everyone’s a little bit autistic.”
“Oh, I know someone who is autistic.”
“I never would have guessed!”
“So that’s why you do –Insert weird thing they have noticed and didn’t like–.”
“Thank you for trusting me enough to feel comfortable telling me.”
“Let me know if there are ways I can help you.”
“I would love to listen more about what you go through if you want to tell me.”
“Oh! That’s why you’re so great at or love X thing so much!”
“Hey, is there anything I’ve done that has bothered you?”/”If I do anything that bothers you, let me know.”
Anything that starts with “But…” is basically a no go. Sometimes even saying something you think is comforting or encouraging can be diminishing of the reality of our lives. Please don’t talk about someone you know who is autistic as a response. Sometimes mentioning an actual autistic coded character you know (like Atypical, the Good Doctor, or even Sheldon Cooper) can be a passable jumping off point, but don’t look at us through the lens of whatever stereotypical image you have of autistics. We aren’t all the same.
Mainly, you will want to reply in a way that shows that you care about what they said, but leave lots of room for listening and letting the autistic person lead the way for the conversation. Some will want to talk more about it and others won’t feel comfortable revealing details. Sometimes even just saying simply “Oh, that’s cool!” With a smile can make an autistic feel at ease with revealing their identity.
Also, one last thing, we almost always allow for mistakes. Even sometimes fellow autistics say the wrong thing to those who reveal they are autistic to us. The biggest thing we ask is an open mind and a willingness to learn. Don’t get defensive or talk over us. Just listen.
Allistics and autistics ok to reblog!
Part 2 of Day 4 of Autism Acceptance Month 2018
Day 2: What I Love about Being Autistic is…
Day 3: My Discovery Story
Day 4 (Part 1): Reactions to “Coming Out”
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