there's a contant theme on your writing, pain as form of connection, as if your relationship is strenghened by your partner hurting you. why and how? and why does getting spanked makes you feel seen?
This is so hard to explain⌠I think part of it is just who I am, honestly. The way Iâm wired. And I know part of it is just the relief of finally being with someone who gets meâhaving spent so much of my life in relationships where my desires were treated as weird or wrong. The first time a Dominant spanked me, it felt like being allowed to let go for the first time. I could enjoy it and cry and feel whatever I felt, and I didnât have to filter myself. Sometimes I still marvel at the fact that there are actually people in the world who want to give me this thing I need.
But itâs not just masochism. Youâre right that I do feel connection when my partner hurts me. Itâs so many little things. Itâs just the simple fact of us doing this thing together that most people just donât do. Itâs the way he reads every quiver and gasp and muscle twitchâand adjusts his tempo and strength and implements accordingly. He is hyperfocused on my reactions. Itâs like electricity flowing between us. His actions create my reactions, and my reactions feed his actions.Â
Sometimes he wants to get me to subspace, so he adjusts the pace and intensity to keep me at the right pain threshold. Sometimes he wants to make me cry, so he has to give me the right kind of painâenough to release the tears but not so much that I safeword. No matter the goal, he doesnât just have to know how I react to pain; he has to be able to read how Iâm feeling that day in that moment. And I have to trust him to do that.Â
When he makes me cry, he absorbs it all. Do you know how rare it is to cry in front of someone without the goal being to stop as soon as humanly possible? But he wants my tears. He kisses them. He accepts them even when itâs the kind of snot-filled ugly crying that should never see the light of day. And being so exposed and feeling so acceptedâŚit makes it easier to share my feelings with him at other times. Because when he says he wants to know me, he doesnât just mean when itâs pretty or easy. He wants all of it.Â
Then thereâs how I give to him. I can be kind of a wimp when it comes to pain, if I donât have the right kind of warmup. While he has to read me and make adjustments, I have to control my mind and suppress the instinct to make it stop. I accept what he chooses, and I take as much as I can for him. I know he wonât give me more than I can take. But at the same time, he knows I will give him everything I can. My best effort. He sees my struggles, and he feels the depth of my devotion. Then he says, âCan you take three more for me?â And I say, âyes, Sirâ, simultaneously relieved that itâs about to end and knowing I would give him even more if he asked. Because it allows me to give myself to him on a level that I donât feel in any other way.
For a few days after, the soreness reminds me of all those beautiful, connecting moments. And sometimes it even adds more. He admires my bruises as I get ready for work. Or he walks by and gives my ass a firm squeeze and then kisses my forehead when I yelp. Every time I sit down, I remember that electricity between us. I remember how I gave to him, and how he absorbed it all. And I feel so lucky to have a partner who shares these moments with me.
During an impact scene, trust and devotion arenât just abstract ideas. We both feel them in every momentâin every strike, in every falling tear, in every blossoming bruise. That connection through pain is unlike anything Iâve ever felt. It speaks to different parts of us than other parts of our relationship. And when we have to go without it for a while, we both miss it dearly.Â
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
pixelskylines
gracieabrams
germansingergirl
ellievsbear
