To the boy who ruined me,
You took a girl who couldn’t wait to fall in love, the girl who was going to love with everything she had. The girl who would move the world and cross desserts just to make you happy and love her back.
The girl who was kind and brave who stayed. The girl you embarrassed, took for granted and diminished her spirit. You cheated and lied and changed her. You ruined her and turned her bitter. She couldn’t love or let anyone get close she wouldn’t. You taught her how to bleed!
You went out of your way to test her love, her dedication to loving you and taught her to trust no one.. especially the ones that say I love you.
The girl with the biggest heart you broke. She didn’t kiss or love anyone but she still loved you. Always loved you. And you turned her heart black her hatred of you and your lack of caring or respect held her walls strong.
The years she spent trying to understand why? What she did so wrong? Why her friends, strangers. And so many lies. She dared to walk away and you would dig deep so many memories and history, you held the moments and knew exactly how to make her remember and hope. What it would take to keep her holding on as you stripped the pride and love she had mostly for herself, turned her into a stranger who was lost.
Too many screams, tears and heartbreaks that you never deserved. You did everything you could but you didn’t break her. She got up and bit by bit new peace’s covered the cracks you created. The names are like bandaids to heal my broken heart.
I found my way. Without you. You never left me, I always wondered. You were my greatest regret, my what if. I never expected you to come back into my life. I never planned to see you again. I never wanted to touch you,to know you, to love you. I never ever wanted to see the boy who haunted me and I didn’t know that you’d become the man whod test me, to show me and to hold me.
A wish and a promise brought you back into my world, I loved her so much more than I ever hated you. She loved you and she missed you. She forgave you even when I never could. But you were good to her and you knew her and I wasn’t ready to not have her in this world but you held my hand.and talked about her. You were the balm to the hole in my chest.
I told you not if but when. 4 Years and more months than I should have I stayed. I was different and I wouldn’t stay for her forever.
I tried for her. I fought for her. I cried and forgave for her.
I told you I was worth more! I wanted more! I deserved more than Melyssa and Tammy and Liz and the others. I’m sure there were some. The boy who spent so much time breaking me showed exactly what you always were.
A coward. A liar. A fake. A cheater. The same boy who couldn’t deal with his short comings and demons. You became my demon. My own personal revolving hell and I couldn’t suffocate there anymore.
You used to tell me I was the right girl but the wrong time. You were wrong. You weren’t the right one. You were the wrong one and weren’t worth my time! You chose not to respect me, you chose not to honor the commitment you made to me. You chose to lie and steal from me but from my mom too… oh yeah I knew about it. And yet you could never be honest. You chose to mistreat me.
You just couldn’t be what you promised. You wouldn’t. I knew the day I asked you what you’d say to your daughter if she came to you and told you the man she loved and gave her whole heart to treated her the way you treated me….i bet you don’t remember your answer…you told me you wouldn’t say or do anything cause it’s her business.. I knew right there I couldn’t do it anymore.
I never thought I’d leave you.or I’d find a day I didn’t love you.i also never thought I’d take another man’s last name. I never thought I’d find a man I’d love more.
I never thought I’d find the man you were supposed to be..I never thought I’d belong to anyone else.
I do. He’s kissed every scar you left behind.hes held my hand and never even once tried to let go.he tells me he loves me everyday. He appreciates everything you decided you didn’t want. He is thankful I chose him and thankful you didn’t know what you had cause he knows exactly what you gave up.
He taught me how to love myself. He loved me first. Every wrinkle in my armor he showed me why it didn’t need to be there. He holds my heart. He keeps it safe.
In 328 days I will take his Last name. The heart you broke that he’s fixed will be his! I’m sorry I lied to. I won’t always love you, I’m not always going to be yours.i won’t be waiting. Monkeybutt will always love her chickenboob but Erin won’t always love Kyle.i think almost 20 years is more than enough. I through out my Kyle box. The memories I carried, the pain you inflicted all the times I thought I wasn’t enough. All the times you made me think you deserved better. The moments I felt un wanted, ashamed,dirty.all the disappointment. All the no shows and secrets.
All the what ifs.everything you took.every scar and memory it represents. All of it. The history. The firsts.all the moments that were supposed to be special and ours.
Every time you tried to break me all the pain and devastation that follows you. You ruin everything you come close to. I can promise this I will hate you forever. But I will choose not to think of you. I choose to give you everything back, every single scar and the pain that put it there, every tear, every sad fucking song I couldn’t hear they won’t be a part of our sound track anymore! I give it back to you! I grew up and became something different the woman who lets you go. The one that says I don’t want you or even the memory of who you were to supposed to be. It’s all yours! You’re still the same loser from Highschool who can’t grow up and do it right with any woman which is why you tried to have every woman! Karma is a bitch and your performance problems are your punishment not mine! I did nothing wrong except bother with you!
I’m not yours Kyle. I’m MINE! You once asked me to fuck you like I hate you. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever come out of your mouth. Better than the first I love you. I don’t think you’ve known how long I’ve hated you! And for letting me hate myself. I choose me! I’m better than you! I deserve better! I fucked your for all the times you fucked me! It was me taking my freedom back and giving it all to you.
Closure sure is something beautiful! When the sun first breaks in the sky over the horizon. It’s beautiful and full of freedom! Letting you go, letting the girl that promised to love you go.. the best thing I’ve ever done.
Hate you always
Soon to be Mrs Gaigneur and I can’t wait!
