langit agustus

welcome to my safe space

[berwarnabiru]

I think it's happening to me. Keeping everything on my head, don't know who to talk to. Afraid of being judged incapable, and believe that I am. Feeling lost and tired. Feeling like this is not what I want, even though I have prayed so hard and cried my eyes out to get to this point. Is this the right way or not, I don't even know. I want to quit, yet seems like I am locked in this so called comfort zone. Not really comfortable, no. I didn't see myself growing. I hate the pace, the atmosphere, even I disgust myself for being in that place. I am afraid of being ungrateful, but I feel like I couldn't handle it anymore. They are good people, but not in the good place, it's intoxicating. I am toxicated by my own thoughts.

I keep holding up for the little things I find along the way. The cats. The flowers along the street. I want to clear my mind and see things in different way, but ... the hustle doesn't let me. Those bullshits filling up my head and turning it into hatred.

I hope it will end soon.. and I will be in a better place.

[berwarnabiru]

He made updates, about the good old days he had, and a sponsor letter for his graduate school he didn't continue to proceed.

I really wanted to hit that reply column and say something to cheer him up. But I knew I have to stop. It wouldn't cheer him up, it would just annoy him.

I mean ... it's his choice, always. And I don't have space, even any rights, to intervene. If he ever wanted me to cheer him up, he would reach out, not making updates.

I wish him all the best, eve though he doesn't need any of my wishes. It's the least I can do.

Say I haven't moved on, even though I said I have moved one so many times, I need to.

But indeed I haven't.

[berwarnabiru]

Bete banget.

Karena beras habis, akhirnya aku pesan beras di minimarket online yang gratis ongkos kirim. Pas masih asik nonton Teach You A Lesson, ada notifikasi kalau pesananku sedang diantar.

Di pesanan sebelumnya, karena berasnya 5 kg, kurir yang mengantar pesananku nunggu di depan pagar, jadi kuambil sendiri. Akhirnya untuk pesanan kali ini, aku pun menunggu kurir di teras, meninggalkan drama yang kutonton, supaya nanti kurirnya nggak nunggu lama.

Tiga puluh menit kutunggu, kurirnya nggak datang-datang. Sampai akhirnya ada bunyi di depan pagar, dan sekarung beras diletakkan di atas pagar — kebetulan ada sisi datarnya.

Di situlah aku bete. Sudahlah nunggu lama, dramanya kutinggal demi nunggu kurir, ternyata kurirnya "nggak nunggu aku". Tahu gitu kan, aku tunggu sambil nonton drama aja.

Ah bete.

Tapi aku tetep bilang makasih, walaupun bete.

Aku pun kembali ke kamar dengan perasaan bete yang ... aaaaaaaargh.

Baru setelah aku menyelesaikan drama, bete itupun hilang.

[berwarnabiru]

i love that cat pic on transjakarta. kucing naik TJ mau kemana mengggg 🚌🐈

Thanks!

Atau lebih tepatnya Pramusacing, Pramusapa Kucing 🚌😼

@berwarnabiru in Cat Pics community

I was in a bad mood after waiting for a feeder bus that felt like forever. Once I got to my next bus stop, I met this little sunshine and my

Dan ini foto lain dari Pramusacing~

[berwarnabiru]

I remember visiting you at the hospital right away after school, and you gave me watermelon you didn't eat from your meal; talking about a bow-shaped curtain holder that you called it a genius design; and randomly told me centrifugal force just because you saw a sugar packaging. It's been ten years ya, Kung. Kangennya..

[berwarnabiru]

I used to hate matcha and lemon tea, just because they taste weird. Matcha tastes like grass, and lemon tea tastes like ... I don't know, the combination just not my taste.

Then one day, when I met my friend in a coffee shop, I was kind of bored of ordering iced chocolate, so I ordered iced matcha. And surprisingly, I liked it, that made me ordered another iced matcha the next day, in a different coffe shop — but the first coffee shop's matcha tastes better.

And tonight, in a noodle shop, where I had dinner with another friend, I was kind of bored to order the ordinary iced tea, so I tried lemon tea. And again, it turned out splendid.

Now I like both.

[berwarnabiru]

Aku terkagum dengan bagaimana cara kerja otak menyimpan memori spesifik, yang bangkit karena pemicu khusus, seperti bunyi-bunyian atau bau tertentu.

Seperti hari ini, ketika aku membuka lemari plastik di kamarku. Seketika aroma plastik dan pengharum pakaian menguar dan menyapa indera penciumanku. Dalam sekejap, ingatanku terbawa pada hari-hariku setelah kembali dari studi master. Wangi yang sama persis, mengingatkanku akan masa-masa transisional yang terasa dekat sekaligus asing di saat yang bersamaan. Seolah kejadiaannya sudah puluhan tahun silam, yang padahal baru 3 bulan lalu.

Apakah itu memori baik atau bukan, aku tak tahu. Hanya saja, rasanya seperti terlempar ke masa lalu.

[berwarnabiru]

I wrote,

But again, I don't really know him, not even a tiny bit but his name, that makes me create the idea of him inside my own universe. That's why I really want to know him more, from his tiny forgettable habits, into the level deep enough to decode either to proceed or let go.

But he has the right not to let people know him. I just realised that it is kind of hurt if you let someone know you well enough only to cut you off and let you go afterwards. And I didn't mean that. Just ... is it possible to know him behind the screen?

If he wouldn't let me, so I won't. Guess I'd never know him.

[berwarnabiru]

Menyaksikan ambulans meraung-raung dengan sirinenya bukanlah pemandangan asing di tengah kemacetan MT Haryono pada jam berangkat kerja. Setidaknya, aku akan melihat satu ambulans setiap hari dari balik jendela Trans Jakarta yang juga susah payah membelah jalanan yang dipadati berbagai jenis kendaraan tersebut.

Seringkali aku hanya menyaksikan sulitnya mobil ambulans itu mencari celah jalanan. Namun aku tak dapat berkomentar apa-apa, karena kaca jendelanya yang tertutup.

Namun pagi ini berbeda. Saat bus yang kutumpangi baru terbebas dari hiruk-pikuk Simpang Cawang, memasuki Jalan MT Haryono, sebuah mobil ambulans masuk dari arah yang berlawanan, meraung-raung dengan sirinenya yang berkelip merah-biru-merah-biru. Raungan sirine itu terdengar berbeda, mobil ambulans itu pun lain dari yang biasa kulihat tiap berangkat kerja. Hingga saatnya mobil mendahului busku dari sisi kanan, aku yang berdiri di balik pintu pun melihatnya. Kaca mobil ambulans yang tidak tertutup, transparan gelap, memperlihatkan dua orang wanita duduk di sisinya.

Detik itu juga aku mengetahui, mobil ambulans itu membawa seseorang. Seketika bulu kudukku meremang, seolah aku sendiri yang duduk di sana, menangisi takdir yang berpacu dengan jalanan Jakarta.

[berwarnabiru]

Today I saw someone getting off the bus and walking so cheerfully that it made me smile.

May you always be surrounded by pure happiness.

[berwarnabiru]

Awal tahun ini, aku mendapat banyak kabar bahwa teman-temanku menikah. Kupikir, yah biasa saja, memang sudah waktunya mereka.

Kemudian, tadi aku melihat video dokumentasi pernikahan salah seorang teman. Mereka tampak sangat bahagia. Tentu saja.

Aku pun tersenyum, turut merasakan kebahagiaan itu, yang seolah menembus layar ponselku.

Dan hati kecilku bertanya, "Besok, aku bisa menikah juga nggak ya?"

[berwarnabiru]

Don't know where to post, but I miss Brissy.

[berwarnabiru]

Beberapa minggu yang lalu, aku berkesempatan untuk memindahkan dokumen-dokumen lama, sekaligus membersihkan dokumen-dokumen yang sudah tidak begitu penting; dan ternyata ada banyak.

Salah satu dokumen tidak penting itu adalah surat yang kutulis untuk seseorang yang secara ajaib aku memiliki perasaan sekejap terhadapnya. Hmmm, agaknya sekejap terlalu singkat. Baiklah, perasaan yang mampir untuk sementara waktu. Kubilang ajaib karena kawanku pun sampai heran sebab aku bisa jatuh hati pada orang ini, yang mana tidak masuk kriteria lelaki idamanku sama sekali.

Yah, people fall in love in mysterious ways. Termasuk yang satu ini.

Kembali ke surat. Surat itu adalah surat yang kutulis untuk mengungkapkan perasaanku terhadapnya. Surat yang teramat sangat klise. Seharusnya aku memberikan surat itu secara langsung kepadanya, tapi tidak sempat. Oleh karena itu, aku memindai surat tersebut dan membuat sebuah preambule yang kemudian aku sampaikan melalui body email. Ya, aku mengirimnya melalui email.

Sebenarnya aku agak lupa, dokumen yang kutemukan dan kubaca ulang ini adalah isi suratku atau justru preambule-nya. Namun kupikir, keduanya sama klisenya; dan sangat cringe. Sangat cringe, sampai aku sendiri — yang membacanya empat tahun kemudian —bergidik geli dibuatnya.

Setelahnya aku berharap aku tidak pernah mengirim email itu. Atau setidaknya, orang itu tidak pernah membuka emailnya.

Ah, itu hanya satu artefak yang kutemukan. Sementara itu, aku menulis surat cinta lain beberapa tahun kemudian, yang mana aku tidak memiliki arsipnya. Pastilah surat itu lebih menggelikan lagi.

Dan aku pun menemukan kecocokan gaya menulis versi aku yang sedang kasmaran. Tidak aku di usia kuliah dan pasca-kuliah saja, bahkan aku di usia sekolah pun memiliki gaya penulisan yang mirip ketika sedang jatuh cinta. Gaya menulis yang sangat menggelikan, terutama untuk menggambarkan betapa murninya perasaan itu.

Oh, please, stop it.

Dan setelahnya aku pun berpikir, aku tidak mau jatuh cinta lagi dan membuat mahakarya menggelikan yang sama berulang kali.

[berwarnabiru]

I want my proposal would be,

"Will you build a life with me?"

[berwarnabiru]

I wonder what's the simplest thing that reminds you of me. And I ask myself, what's the simplest thing that reminds me of you?

Nothing. There's nothing simple that reminds me of you. It's always the whole picture. The scenery. The laughter. The awkward silence in the air. And of course, the train station. But they're intertwined with other pieces of memories. You just become one in a million, blend into the thickest solution in my brain.

And most importantly, we're nothing but two souls crossing path. Then I'd say goodbye to you too. It's the way I'm letting you go.

Goodbye.

[berwarnabiru]

I'm on my way in running countless model just to achieve model convergence. Due to the large dimension of my input data set, at least it requires hours just to run a thousand iterations. So I need to do something else and make myself useful — because, hey, I'm unemployed again.

So I read my old post, about me daydreaming on developing citizen science in my hometown, helping Dad to take care of his farm, and buying the factory in front of my house and running a recycling center there.

Such an ambitious dream.

While I'm waiting for my model, and I should've read some papers related to my research, but let me daydream again.

I want to make an urban forest. I'll buy a land in my hometown, take care of it carefully, create a habitat for urban biodiversity. There will be a jogging track, a parking lot, toilet, and some benches or gazebos. Oh, and trash bins as well.

That seems nice.

Now let's get back to work!

[berwarnabiru]

I finished my old journaling book and need a new one. So, I pulled out some of the journaling books in my collection (actually more than these, but the other need to wait), but I couldn't decide which one should I pick.

If you can help me choose one, it would be much appreciated.