besuda

bes in thoughts and in words

[aromerrowace]

For anyone who’s aspec and doesn’t know what term to use for someone they like because “I don’t know if it’s a crush or a squish or something else” then worry not and use my chosen term: POI which stands for Person Of Interest. It’s literally just someone you’re interested in in some way and I generally don’t specify which way I find them interesting because eh sometimes I don’t know and it’s easier to say POI. It also makes them sound like a murder suspect or something if you’re into that lol

[bessimplysilly]

add title #...

I can never win but that's okay because once I do, it is either I'm gone or she's gone. So I rather lose every time.

[sunsetquotes]

“Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is remind ourselves over and over and over other people feel this too.”

— Andrea Gibson

[bessimplysilly]

last

I don't want to be in this state of mind.

I don't want to wear this mask.

I don't want to stay hidden.

I just want them to be proud.

In the end, I want to be proud of me.

[bessimplysilly]

i realized something...

I still don't understand, why is she looking at me like that? Why is she leading me on? Why she makes me feel uneasy and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells every time I look at her.

She made me dive for a lot of times and I tolerate it.

She told me she wishes to extend... I told her I don't feel the same because I can't just decide on my own, I'm not alone. Despite all of the reasons I told her, I never told her the one real reason which is the source of my decision.

I left with a heavy heart. Both there and here. I feel like I'm useless and I'm still scared. I'm afraid of what they think, not of me, but of my family. I will survive but how about the people who cares about me. With that thought, will I really survive?

[bessimplysilly]

Last Month...

I struggled a lot.

I laughed a little and cried a lot. Everyday was a heartache. I'm back to listening to my thoughts again. Every night, my mind wonders where did I go wrong.

It is difficult to live for tomorrow when today was uneventful again and I feel like a heartache to my parents.

Broken and was almost fixed. Currently picking up the scattered pieces, again and hopefully for the last time.

I am still scared. I want to be brave.

[postitforward]

“When things change inside you, things change around you.” —Unknown

Now, what's yours?? ⬇️ ⬇️ ⬇️ ⬇️

[postitforward]

[epicureanstyle]

Today, I'm finally letting go of...a fear of academic failure and frustrated ambition.

[mentalquotes]

[recoverr-deactivated20220605]

i know we have an insane amount of resources, positivity, affirmations and whatnot for mental health, but it’s ok if they don’t work for you. it’s ok if you don’t feel positive or confident or hopeful. you don’t have to force yourself into it. there’s a lot of toxic positivity around & it’s understandable if these affirmations or quotes have the opposite effect on you. there’s no easy or wrong road to what’s best for you and the hard truth about any mental health condition is that you didn’t choose to have it. you can’t magically think or feel your way out of it and it’s ok to just embrace it, feel it and deal with it in the best way you can!!

[bessimplysilly]

I have anxiety and not one knows about it

I can see how everybody just choose death over life sometimes. I get anxious and all I can think is "If tomorrow might never come then I will be alright"

Everyday I think that way. Every time I feel like everybody is going up, smiling while I feel like I am just the same.

[bessimplysilly]

Feelings....

I felt like I chose the wrong thing. They made me feel that way, but I can't help to think that I was partially right all along and they just don't see it.

To all the things that I have seen or heard, I feel like everyone is really the same they just don't want to admit it. I feel that way too and I am also in denial of those facts.

I am not entirely understanding and I, too complain. But,.. it felt like I was dragged down far away that I felt the minority.

[bessimplysilly]

I got hurt

I felt it again. The feeling of knowing what is right but just shutting up because I know once I open them, my feelings will be invalid due to the fact that I am younger, therefore not wiser. Though not emphasizing that getting older means you get to be wiser but it felt like I was immature in their eyes.

[bessimplysilly]

do you think 2 years will just come by quickly?

....

[bessimplysilly]

Medicine

Week 10 - everything was really calm after the storm had passed.

I do not know if I am calm though haha hoping that I am and will continue to be calm even if the storm would be coming my way. I hope I would be prepared with sturdier structure to shelter me and give me light at the end.

Fighting!!!!!!!!!!

[bessimplysilly]

Medicine

Week 9 - the very first bimonthly

sadly, I was not able to do my very best :(

I lacked energy and strategy.

but by the end of it, I did study but not enough.

I will be wiser this time around, for the next time...

Fighting!!!!!!!!!

[bessimplysilly]

Medicine

Week 8 - second long exam week.

That's it. That's all I can say.

I almost forgot to write for week 8.

Next week is not gonna be better though but still hoping for the best :)

Fighting!!!!!!!!