Better, for now.

A journal of sorts. Here I post my inner thoughts of where i'm at with my mental health.

[better-for-now]

Day 1, again.

It’s been a while and SOOOOO MUCH has happened. I’ve been off them, back on them, relationships over and new ones beginning. House moves the lot. And where I don’t feel as low as I’ve ever felt, I definitely am more sad and out of “control” a lot recently.

Last night, I took my first 25mg of Sertraline and immediately felt upset, like I had lost. Gayle was amazing and made me feel so loved. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without her and how amazing she’s been. She has been the catalyst for a lot of positive change and has brought on the need for getting sorted out. My head causes problems when we are with each other (self fulfilling prophecy etc) so it’ll be nice to be a normal person around her.

I am flying to Cyprus in 2 days for 2 weeks of Geordie which I’ve been putting off in my head, weirdly I feel ok about it. Placebo effect probably with the first 25mg.

Today I woke up feeling so sick, big nauseous feeling. Just need to remember to drink water and eat when taking pill. I’ve decided to take it at night so when I flip to nightshift, it’ll be easy to manage.

My plan is to do the same, 25mg for a week and then up to 50mg if I can handle it when I’m away.

Im feeling aches in my head and tightness round the sides. Flutters of tiny tiny anxiety today, but nothing major. We’ve got a grand national tea party today and after that, it’ll be our last evening together for 2 weeks. I need to remember it’s just that, 2 weeks and not the death sentence my brain is making it out to be, the sun will come up again.

[better-for-now]

Day 8

First day of 50mg. Don’t really feel anxious today, just chilled out and it was ok. I only left the house to go get rid of some rubbish at the dump.

I feel very tired at the end of today even though I didn’t do much and slept ok last night. Aches and pains in my head but no anxiety.

[better-for-now]

Day 7

Didn’t do much today so no anxiety really. Took the dog a walk and felt myself getting worked up but that’s usual.

Tomorrow I’ll do 50mg, hope it’s not bad.

[better-for-now]

Day 6

Strange day. Been so tired today and had a feeling like I couldn’t be bothered with anything.

On the way to the chippy with my brother, I felt a pop in my head which freaked me out. I reckon it’s probably my sinuses or something. Pressure round my head etc. It’s one thing after another at the moment.

I’m not sure what this 25mg is doing but I’ll take one more 25mg before I up it to 50mg.

I should get to bed early tonight.

[better-for-now]

Day 5

Anxious but not as bad. Slept loads.

Went out with my mum today and had a dizzy turn and heart stopping feeling and just though, nah fuck this I’m going home. Took me a while to calm down but was quicker and didn’t feel the insane panic. Today has been an anxious day but I don’t feel so frustrated with myself. Have I lost my “negative” emotions?

Not sure.

Tomorrow’s another day.

[better-for-now]

Day 4

Got woken up by my brother at 6am today when he was getting ready for work. I awoke feeling sick like I wanted to vomit. I felt a slight pop in my stomach region near my chest the night before, like a pressure had relieved, was weird. I got worried cause the feeling had gone 😂 ridiculous.

Today I’ve been tired due to lack of sleep from being awoken, I’ve been outside with no anxiousness and only got a tiny bit worked up when I had an unhealthy dinner. I wasn’t AS busy as I was yesterday but that was ok due to tiredness. Nothing new to report apart from the slight vomit feeling this morning. I’m not getting as worked up this week I’ve noticed.

Definitely a good thing.

[better-for-now]

After reading #antidepressant on tumblr, I need some fresh air and a pint of milk. Scary reading.

[better-for-now]

Day 3

00:14am - Nearly forgot to update this.

Today has been decent. Like, quite good. I felt a slight anxious feeling ONCE today which is what most of my days are like when I’m working on my feet for the most part and I’m quite happy about that. Still not had a panic attack on this 25mg stuff so here’s hoping that continues til I up to 50mg at the end of the week.

Side effects, hmm nothing yet I don’t think. Last nights sleep was pretty shit. Woke up during the night and had trouble going back to sleep.

Just today I kept myself busy doing odd jobs around the house and spoke at length to my Mum, Dad and sister to resolve their problems by speaking out their feelings like some sort of therapy wizard. It was quite nice to get involved like that cause it took the focus off me for a bit and I’ve been wanting to be the person that people turn to.

Very good day today, for now :)

[better-for-now]

Day 2

Second 25mg pill. Before I took it was quite excited and had a thought/feeling in my head that I haven’t had in a long time which was an optimistic feeling. It’s hard to put my finger on what it was, but it was nice.

Aferwards, I began to feel quite anxious and got myself in a right fast tizz taking my nephew home to my mums. I took him back to his mums and was trying to get some news from my sister and I couldn’t even take it in as I was feeling anxious about the muscle pains in my lower chest area and had a weird dizzy feeling. I realised I needed to keep myself busy to keep away from this focus on my body and eventually it went away after I helped tidy my nephews room for him.

Went back to my mums and started to feel a bit more anxious about my pains etc and heart (the usual) and when my brother came in, I felt a bit manic and the anxious went. It was like a lack of control, but then again, might not even be the pills doing. 🤷🏻‍♂️ doubts doubts doubts

So all in all, not terrible and no maaaajor freakout even if it felt like one was going to happen. Don’t feel better or worse overall. Mixed bag, seemingly keeping myself busy is helping. I’ll try and do the same tomorrow.

[better-for-now]

Day 1

I took 25mg (half of one pill).

Was very hesitant to do so as I didn’t want to give in but was just like, fuck it, what have you got to lose?

No change in me today, I don’t think.

At points today I felt anxious (not bad) had pains in my stomach and my chest, which is a normal experience for me. No frustration either today, which is good.

Today should have been a very stressful day but I just got on with it (apparently the lump my mum has is concerning my sisters), undiagnosed yet.

But there was points that I had a handle on things. Not sure if this was the tablet or if it’s the acceptance thing ive been trying. Still fidgety though. Towards the later part of today I’ve heard my belly region making noises along with some pains that’s not new. I’ll keep an eye on that as I’m due to expect some nausea or the like.

Anyway, 11:30am round 2 tomorrow. Ding ding.

[better-for-now]

Been prescribed Sertraline. It’s 10:40am currently and I’m about to take my first one.

I’ll try my best to update every day on how I get on with them.

[better-for-now]

Sitting with my brand new iPad Pro and watching a video on YouTube looking up tips on how to use Procreate, minding my own business and I have this rush towards my chest and I can’t breathe. Like at at all. I had to run out to the back to catch my breathe. I really started to freak out, like, what the actual fuck was that?!

Now normally at this point, I’ll be sitting carrying some sort of fluttering in my chest as I have already for that full day all day, I’ll sit with it and try to fight it by fidgeting or some other kind of new quirk I’ve developed since I’ve had anxiety.

What was different about tonight is that I was feeling totally fine, a feeling that is definitely rare and quite welcomed, just watching a video and all of a sudden, straight away this intense feeling came on and I couldn’t breath. No warning.

My biggest fear in life besides dying, is my heart stopping or just dropping dead, so needless to say I got a very big scare. I messaged my sister and mum for reassurance and just to let them know I was struggling which is always a great help. I really calmed down after maybe 20 mins and now I’m wrestling with the after effects of panic as I type this.

What was that feeling? Why did that happen when I was fine? Why?

I feel like it’s maybe something that’s happened to me years ago and I was just like, that was interesting?, but now that I’m a daily anxious wreck it’s probably been amped up and I’ve reacted in this manner.

Once I shake this tight/tense back, I can fully relax and just sleep.

I never ever want to feel that way ever again.

(Now how do I copy and paste on Procreate?)

[better-for-now]

Last therapy tomorrow?

At my mums house watching Daniel Bryan talk about his battle for the last 2 years getting back to fight. It’s also about 2 years now that I’ve had a panic disorder and I’m wanting to quash this evil worry bastard in my head but in the same token I’m quite scared.

I’m sat all edgy, tired, pins/needles and pains in my left arm, tight back and shoulders and chest, convince my heart is going to pack in with all this stress.

Frustration beyond belief.

My last therapy is tomorrow as the title says but I really don’t want that to be the case (it’s all the NHS will allow). My day tomorrow is going to consist of an hours chat with my mental health nurse about the last action packed three months and questions about medication to get me back to normal. I really don’t think that this last therapy it’s enough, but it’s better than nothing and for that I’m grateful.

I’ve got my appointment with the Doctor booked next month to speak to him about my health and hopefully he’ll offer me some medication.

Side note, I’ve also turned down another job which would have taken me abroad again which would be another thing I probably wouldn’t appreciate and I’m totally avoiding my friends so I don’t have to tell them how shite and low my life is right now.

I can’t deal with these conversations and when someone asks how you are. “Well mate I’ve been panicking and crying every other day, my mood is pretty shite, and I’m scared to leave the house for milk… how are you my wonderful compadre?”

Anyway, tomorrow is another day in the life of a anxiety ridden grown adult. I’m meant to take each day as it comes but when there’s nothing to look forward to in the tomorrow, why wouldn’t you look past it and think of what could be?

[better-for-now]

I’ve been feeling down.

My mind has been all over the place. I’ve just came back from a 6 week work excursion and i’ve been really anxious (i guess?) since i’ve come back and im increasingly frustrated that I still feel this way, 2 years later. I’ve been told by everyone that knows that i’ve came on so well in the last 2 years since ive been diagnosed with panic disorder/anxiety, whatever, and that I should be proud of where i’m at, and that’s great. The trouble is, all I want to do is to be able to do what I want to do. For example, yesterday I took my mum out to the dentist, had a sore chest, fine, ignore it. Sat with her, felt slightly anxious, fine, ignore it. Left the dentist to go run our next errand, BOOM, immense feeling in my stomach/heart that shifted to the left, sickness right up my throat and numb feeling in head. (Can’t ignore that can you??) Panic attack takes hold and I have to go home immediately. I come home to where i’m in flood of tears on the couch, letting it all out, devastated that I let this get the better of me and that i’m in this state in the first place. I end up later on my bed with this same pain that i’ve had for the last 2 weeks and I can’t shift it. I’m telling myself that it’s anxiety but my head is saying, well is it that though? Are you sure it’s not something worse? You might be dying THIS time. My anxiousness stems from these physical sensations (which is apparently brought on by being anxious) Why would I go outside with my 65 year old mother, put myself in that position of having to ignore my body, and eventually have a panic attack with those fucked up aches and pains? I just can’t win.

-Now i’m definitely not suicidal, I can’t imagine ever doing something that fucking stupid or getting close to that stage. I’ve literally got so much going for me, so many things to look forward to... and I couldn’t give a flying fuck about any of it, which is another problem.

I don’t have an appreciation for the things in life that are good.

I want to be able to enjoy myself and do the things I want to do, like go outside with my camera to the beach, or just go into town to get something to eat because i’m hungry. I don’t even feel hungry. I’m always worried that my phone is working and don’t just walk out the house without people going, “where are you?? are you ok?!”.

I’ve trudged along for two years, getting upset, having panic attacks, having a clouded head and not being that way I want to be. The way I know I can be. I’ve tried meditation, i’ve tried mindfulness, i’ve cut out so much bad food in my diet, i’ve cut out sodas and any sort of caffeine I can, i’ve lost just under 42 pounds and yet I still have this fucking dreadful worry all the fucking time. Constant fucking negative fucking bullshit. Where is the happy version of me that didn’t give a fuck 2 years ago and had so much optimism???

I think the only way to get this person back, at least for just now, is a course of medication which i’ve been putting off. I’m almost embarrassed to take them because i’d be admitting that there’s a problem, which reading it back is a ridiculous thought but it’s how I feel. We’ll see what the doctor says.

It’s 01:58am, now Friday the 16th March 2018. For right this second as i’m typing this, I feel better, for now.