TW: Vent, Mental Health, etc.
I am keenly aware of the fact that I am ugly. I've always known this, and I've always felt like this. I don't look like other girls; I don't get complimented by friends or even strangers, I don't get hit on, I've never been asked on a proper date before, I've never had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend, I've been cheated on in every relationship I've been in. I don't date what others would call attractive men, to me they were my world at the time. I am loyal, I am transparent, and I am emotionally invested always. The worst part is, is that after they cheated, I never left, they were always the one to dump me. I thought it was my weight. I stand 5'4, and I weighed 215.8 at my heaviest.
I hated myself so much that I had gotten and ED and that got me to where I am now, 5'4 and 140 pounds in just six months. I thought it was my face. It is broken out pretty often, and I have comedonal acne which creates little bumps under the surface of my skin that are hard to get rid of. No one has ever commented on it, but I always feel like to be pretty, that'd be the next thing to get rid of. And I can see the bumps in pictures, so I know people see them in person and judge me for it.
I don't dress nice either. I'm told pretty often by friends and family that I dress poorly, but I try so hard. I dress pretty "Vampire Diaries" coded, with the exception of a few dresses my current partner had gotten me (He's cheated also.) I also do my makeup not every day but sometimes, and it never sits right, and even with setting spray, primer, and powders it doesn't last all day, and even when it's all made up, I'm still never pretty.
My hair is thick, often pretty frizzy. It's a mix of straight hair, curly hair, and wavy hair, it's an Irish curse. It's blonde but not bleach blonde like everyone else wants/prefers, it's not uniform, it's not pretty, it's always a mess, and it's always hard to manage, so I straighten it pretty often, just to fix myself. I hate how pale I am. Everyone calls me a ghost, Casper, translucent, reflective, a freak, Polish, Irish. I get told to tan among so many other fucking things. The only things anyone was genuine about being nice, were my bust and my eyes. I was always noted as having a big bust, and "Icy eyes".
I take pictures of myself pretty often too, and I'm never pretty. I look in the mirror, never pretty. I cry myself to sleep over my looks. I cry in front of the mirror almost every day, sometimes I go as far as to cover my mirrors with something, so I don't have to look at myself, so I don't have to mourn what could've been. I hyperventilate going into public because of how humiliated I am with my looks.
I feel genuine guilt and shame being with my family in public. I feel shame and embarrassment for my partner for having to be with me. I just have a deep understanding of how fucking hideous I am. People always say that looks are superficial, that they don't matter, to stop worrying over them, that they could be worse, to try and find what suits you best, but I just don't know how. And this isn't that kind of world.
You're either born with it or you pay for it, and I can't afford to fix my face and body. And my searches are always filled with, "How to tell if you're pretty?", "How to get pretty?", "Pretty girls?" and so on. My Pinterest is flooded with other girls that people fawn over. But God, I will never be them. My pain doesn't get me closer to it, my skincare doesn't get me closer to it, my style doesn't get me closer to it.
Some family says that their friends called me pretty when they showed them pictures of me, but I always feel like they're lying. No one, virtually no one could find me pretty, and if they said I was, it was all for pity. I can't think of a single person who has genuinely liked me. I've been asked out as a joke, I was bullied in school over my looks so much so that I was under watch by counselors, and people have done other things to me as well. I just want to be pretty..