Beverly and a 1786 DeathBuick
Here, Beverly stands fearlessly before the hell-contraption known as an “Old Car” (or, if you’re Bev, a “Car”). Although admired by many, these cars were made for one thing and one thing only: slaughter.
Listen, we take for granted that cars come with such features as “safety ratings” and “seat belts” and “0% Cash Back Financing.” When you’re in your mom’s 2007 Honda Odyssey and you’re 16 and you slam into a lamppost, chances are that your car’s engine will quickly evaporate and your ride’s interior will melt into a fluffy utopia of safety, cradling you as you melt into your car’s protective gelatin, while your wiper fluid converts into flame-retardant ooze and the radio automatically switches to Coldplay.
These “antique beauts” as one of my grandparents in this picture may have called them at one time, have no such features. In fact, it’s rumored that Henry Ford actually invented the car as a means to kill the Jews (citation needed).
When you crash in an old car, the reason they don’t have seat belts (or roofs, apparently) is that your base case scenario is GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. Ideally, you’ve run your car into the old textile sweatshop, been flung through a window, and safely landed on a conveyer belt, where your only means of escape is a wacky adventure through antiquated machinery. If you’re still in your car, you can forget about the engine swiftly turning into mush in your lap. If anything, the engine will BECOME your new lap. And no one ever asked ol’ Engine Lap to the prom. More like asking asking Engine Lap which iron lung they like best, but at that point, they’re more machine than man, so it doesn’t even matter.
Yes, Bev’s got some serious cajones for getting so close to this maim-mobile, and my parents had some real chutzpa for putting the old folks in charge of me. Or maybe that’s negligence. Either way, I have no doubt that in likely event of this car’s spontaneous combustion, my grandma would have deployed her lightning reflexes to kick me to safety faster than any airbag was capable. Take THAT, computers!