BIPHOBIA

a blog for feminism and sexuality.

[biphobia]

What's the difference between finding someone pretty/ cute and feeling attracted to them?

it’ll be slightly different for everybody, so it’s not absolute, but i’ll give you a general outline.

if you find someone cute or nice looking, you just appreciate them - kind of like art or something else that looks pleasing, without any romantic or sexual feelings. you can still feel ‘drawn’ to them but not really want anything. this often leads to attraction, but you aren’t going to be attracted to or interested in everybody you think is mildly good looking. for example, i think most of my friends are nice looking, but i don’t want to like, hold hands with them or kiss them. 

attraction to someone usually means that you want things with that person, whether or not you’d ever act on them or not, and whether or not they’re rational. you might get excited about seeing them or develop a crush on them. it can be either romantic or sexual or a mix of both. 

ultimately, the difference is pretty narrow unless you actively have a romantic crush on someone or have sexual thoughts about them. 

[biphobia]

I'm not sure of my romantic orientation and it's been bothering me,I think I would be open to almost anyone,but I'm not sure as I've only ever come in contact with 3 different genders. I think I'm either bi,poly,or pan,but I just don't know 😔

you don't need to use the split attraction model (separating sexual/romantic orientation) since 'sexuality' originally included romantic orientation anyway, although I can see the need if you're on the ace spectrum. either way, though? you can use which ever label you like. 

you like more than one gender: you can call yourself bi, especially if you're not sure about the term pan. there’s not a lot of difference between using the two except for specifics and you can always change your label to pan later if you feel the need to. 'poly' is usually short for polyamorous rather than polysexual, so be careful with which way you're using that term if you choose to use it :)

[biphobia]

I think I'm pan or bi I know this difference but I just don't have enough experience to know for sure. I'm really confused and am wondering if you can help me.

You don't need to 'know for sure' right now. I know it feels like you need an absolute label right now, but you don't. You can take as much time to work it out as you need. You can even use both if you want! Their meanings  can be pretty similar and it's often blurred which one means what.

You can even use different words  in different situations. sometimes it's easier to call yourself 'bi' with people who don't understand what pan is or that there's more than two genders. sometimes it's easier to call yourself 'pan' when people think bi is transphobic. try them both out, and see which one you feel most comfortable with - or continue using both. 

[biphobia]

I hate seeing all the biphobia ( specifically aimed at people in heteronormative relationships) from the lgbt community. It makes me ashamed to be bisexual, especially since now we're being pushed out of pride if we're in heteronormative relationships. It just really sucks

lots of lg people and allies are reeeaaally showing how much they don't care about bi and trans people right now.  i'm sorry that you're going through this. Bi people and trans people (who also get the 'if you're a het relationship don’t show pda at pride!!’ bs) have lead pride from the beginning, and it's horrible to see what pride has become. 

 also your relationship isn't 'heteronormative' unless you're a straight bigot. that word doesn't mean 'typical m/f relationship' it implies an ideology that heterosexuality is the only valid sexuality and that everything else is wrong or false & lots of other garbage sure you don’’t agree with. 

[biphobia]

Why do bisexuals always insist 'if a bi man is with a man, he's not gay. If I a bi girl is with a girl she's not gay.' Way to make your partner feel invalid. Telling them not only are you actively attracted to other people but to another gender, something they can never compete with. Bisexual people should never date people who aren't bisexual. All they want to is make their gay or straight partners know they could never fully care about them. And that they will actively cheat on their partners

lol i can’t fathom what kind of mindset you have to come up with something so stupid but i’ll try

 imagine:

‘babe, i'm not a lesbian anymore. i'm in a relationship with you, not every woman, therefore invalidating any attraction to women i have had before or may have in the future :)'

or 

 'i have no sexuality until i'm dating somebody!'

stupid, right? that’s you. that’s what you’re suggesting. sexuality apparently disappears when you’re dating someone but also doesn't exist until you're dating someone.

also, fuck off. if you feel like you’e ‘competing’ with another gender then that’s your problem.  how selfish to suggests we have to lie about our sexuality  to make our partner feel validated. maybe bisexal people should only date people who are mature enough to be in a relationship   and don't need to be lied to to feel secure. healthy relationships aren't based on pretending. 

[biphobia]

i'm finding it difficult at the moment, cos i've told a few of my friends i'm bi and i get the feeling from the comments they make that they expect me to somehow PROVE myself. if i say i find a guy attractive, they tell me i'm straight, and if i find a girl attractive, they assume i'm in denial. i know that my parents would just think i was straight and pretending to be bi if i came out to them as well, because in the past i've said i like guys. but the POINT of bisexuality is both?? i can't win

I’m sorry that you’re going through this!

Your friends and parents don't understand bisexuality, like most non-bi people. You could try and educate them on bisexuality, and explain how harmful their words are? There are lots of resources online if you feel that you’re struggling to get the message across yourself.A lot of biphobia is just ignorance rather than malice, but it doesn’t always feel that way when you’re the target of it.

You don't have to prove yourself to anybody. Sexuality is not something you do - it's about how you feel and what you want.

[biphobia]

Can multisexual people identify as femme? There seems to be a rising sentiment that femme is only for lesbians, and someone using it who is lesbian would be lesbophobic.

*I’m assuming that you meant ‘not a lesbian’ for the last part

‘Femme’ along with ‘butch’ have historically been lesbian terms, although the distinctions between lesbian and bi women came after their usage (and women in f/f relationships are often classed as lesbians regardless). 

I think the problem arises from when feminine women and gay men started to use the word 'femme' to refer to simple femininity, rather than the particular use that lesbians usually employ, and thus appropriating the term that has a lot of history. 

There’s also the idea that bi and pan women’s experiences and lesbian experiences are completely mutually exclusive, so mga women don't need to use 'lesbian terms'. 

Your own use depends on your relationship with these words and whether you think they are appropriate for you. If you're not a woman then I'd encourage you to use different terms, but there's probably a way more detailed and precise discussion of this somewhere. 

[biphobia]

So I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian but sometimes I'm attracted to guys? But when they have feelings for me I can't reciprocate, I only find them attractive. But with girls they're so pretty and amazing and I can always reciprocate my feelings for them... So I'm not sure if I'm bi or gay? Can you help me :-/

Romantic attraction is more than just finding people attractive.  You can think some men are attractive without wanting to be in a relationship with them.   If you're only interested in dating women & think you’re a lesbian, then chances are that you are a lesbian.  

You don't have to decide right now - you can choose to ID as whatever you want whilst you figure it out. If you ID as bi and realise later you're a lesbian or vica versa, there's nothing wrong with that.  Try reaching out to some lesbians and bi women and hearing about their experiences to help you figure it out. 

[biphobia]

could I identify as bi without being attracted to guys? I'm a girl who likes girls but I think I'm also attracted to nb people and I feel like the label "bisexual" fits me so much better than "lesbian" which I've been id'ing as until now.

Yes!  'more than one gender' doesn't have to include men.  Lots of people may assume you like men because of this label, but that's their own misjudgement. You ID as whatever feels most comfortable and accurate for you. 

[traumababe-blog]

i put the bi in bitter

bitter about the hypersexualisation, lack of representation and constant invalidation we have to deal with

[bi-privilege]

shout out to all the aro bis out there y'all are perf

[a-little-bi-furious]

I really have no time for shitty excuses for lack of labeling people bisexual/pansexual/polysexual in fantasy fiction.

“Oh but it’s a period piece, in the culture they don’t have words for sexuality yet!”

I can go on about how “historically accurate” it is to have dragons in these “period pieces”, but ultimately my bottom line is that this is fantasy fiction, not a historical account, the possibilities are endless in this genre of fiction and yet we never get a universe where people are able label their sexuality, it’s not wrong to ask why.

[biphobia]

ok so I have a question. I used to be split 50/50 and thus qualified as bisexual however now I see myself 98% to 2% and I'm not comfortable saying I'm gay as there's a small chance I might be in a straight relationship but I'm also not comfortable saying I'm bisexual as I'm majorly homosexual and the opposite gender creeps me out? Would I still classify as bisexual? I'm afraid that my sexuality will keep fluctuating and I won't be able to be in a long term relationship with one gender

You don’t need to be 50/50 to be bi. Any kind of attraction to more than one gender ‘qualifies’, even if it’s 0.1%. It’s also not about who you date, so even if you didn’t ever get in a different-gender relationship, you’d still be able to call yourself bi.

Sexuality fluctuates all the time, especially for bi people. The same way some people might find different features or traits attractive at different times, we can be attracted to different genders to different degrees at different times. You can call yourself whatever you want to depending on what makes you feel most comfortable, but you’re not suddenly ‘not bi enough’ because one day you like one gender more than another.

Also, just because you might not be uber-attracted to one gender at one time doesn’t mean you’d have to stop dating somebody. It’s a bad bi stereotype that we can’t stay in long-term relationships. It’s about the person you’re dating, and whether you still want to date them. If you happen to find a different gender more attractive for a while, it’s not a big deal. Relationships are about more than that, and hopefully you’ll find people who understand.

[autostraddle]

Right now, this girl is making you feel like you have to defend your sexuality — I can tell because you asked “Why must I defend my sexuality?”. The key here is to remember that you don’t have anything to be defensive about; your sexuality is totally normal and fine. The only person who should be on the defensive is her, because her attitudes are ridiculous and poisonous. So with that established, that’s the dynamic to push for: don’t let the conversation center around your identity and choices, but hers. Put the spotlight on her behavior, and push her to be the one providing explanations. Next time she says something like that, here are some possibilities to respond with: “Wow, so you’re just super uncomfortable with bisexual people, huh?” “So you just really can’t get over who I’ve slept with? Like, you’re still thinking about it?” “You sure talk about this a lot. It’s like a really big deal to you, isn’t it?” “Do you ever worry about how you sound when you just go on and on about bisexuality like this?” “Why do you think you can’t let go of this stuff for even just one evening while we all hang out? What’s going on there?” “Do you do this to other bisexual people, or just me?” “Do you ever feel like you should have warned me about how you feel about bisexual girls before we dated?”

Rachel, You Need Help: 7 Highly Effective Habits of Dealing with Biphobes on Autostraddle (via autostraddle)

[biphobia]

About a question that was asked before, I don't think Biphobia inherently means "attracted to two" but even so, the two genders in question don't have to be cis, right? Because if this is the case then maye I've been using the wrong label.

It doesn’t. Being bi means attraction to more than one gender. For some people that may be two, for some people that might be four, etc. Etymology is silly when words mean different things all the time depending on how we need to use them as a society. 

Attraction to people of different genders isn’t based on whether that person is cis or not, so no they don’t need to just be binary cis people. You can be attracted to binary people, which includes trans and cis people, or non binary people, as well as other genders. 

So, it doesn’t matter what genders you like, you can use the bi label, or whatever label suits you best and makes you most comfortable. There’s no label for only liking cis people, except maybe transphobe. 

[biphobia]

Biphobia exists?

lol 

[laundryandtaxes]

Views on bisexual-lesbian solidarity?

Personally I find it incredibly important and valuable, and I think tensions between bpq women and lesbians would be significantly reduced if each group recognized the importance of spaces designated specifically and strictly for the other- as a lesbian I yearn for lesbian-specific spaces to share my experiences with women of roughly similar background and I don’t think lesbians should push themselves into bpq women’s spaces when they create them, any more than I think bpq women should intrude on specifically lesbian spaces. I think the mutual respect there is deeply important.

I do want to add that bpq/lesbian relationships as presented on tumblr are massively exaggerated and a little removed from the IRL experiences of the queer women I know. I feel solidarity with and love for all women who love women. I think much of the lesbian/bpq tension on this site is the result of overly vocal people on each side who hold questionable politics but have the audience and the influence to make their points seem valid merely by note counts on their posts. There is already a solidarity between bpq women and lesbians that I highly value and that, frankly, has always existed. So the two groups are not as wholly separate as I think either side would like to think. Lesbian experiences are different from bpq women’s experiences but in many ways they mirror and overlap with each other. Lesbians needs spaces to escape lesbophobia which permeates any space where lesbians aren’t prevalent. Bpq women need spaces to escape the biphobia present in many LGBT spaces where bi people aren’t prevalent. Both are important and necessary. We also have to be more open on both ends and ask when something is xphobia and when it’s a communal decision to protect oneself.

I think lesbians need to collectively recognize the biphobia within our community, and that many lesbians fully reject bisexual women not only as potential partners but even as sisters in queerness/LGBTness. I think it is important for bpq women to recognize lesbophpbia within their community, and that popular narratives bpq women invoke actively hurt lesbians all the time by using us as a negative reference point. But I think we also have to recognize that despite the politics of tumblr these communities are not actually separate. Women who love women have marched under the same banners, slept in the same beds, championed the same causes throughout out histories with relatively little tension based on sexual orientation.

TL;DR If you’re a woman who loves women you’re my sister and comerade and friend and I love you and consider us members of a large community within which there are many smaller groups. As long as bigotry is exposed and worked through I think lesbian/bpq solidarity only serves to strengthen the bonds between those groups.