Bokuto is always reminding you of this fact. He doesn't mean to, but he does. You can always feel it when Bokuto thinks of Akaashi. He gets this far off look in his eyes and he smiles like he's trying to force it. If he's touching you, he'll stop. Bokuto won't speak for a little, whenever he thinks of Akaashi too much.
Akaashi lingers all over your relationship with Bokuto. He's there when Bokuto starts retelling an old story, but stops abruptly and ends it with an, 'actually, never mind.' When old photos pop up on Bokuto's screen, and he hides them from you, but doesn't ever delete them. When you run your hands through his hair and whisper that you love him in his ear, and he gets tense and silent.
Akaashi is always there.
They had only been broken up for about four months when you met Bokuto. You know that because it was one of the first things that he told you, and when he kissed your neck with too much spit and tequila on his breath, he had started to cry. "I'm sorry," he sobbed into your collarbone. "Haven't been with anyone since 'Kaashi. I just miss 'im so fuckin' much."
You patted the back of his head and cradled him against your chest and whispered, "It's okay," because you were already half-in love with him and you would've let him do whatever he wanted that night. He cried and cried and he left your apartment without kissing you again.
You were surprised when he texted you. Even more so when he asked you out. Bokuto brought you to a nice dinner and he wore a handsome jacket that didn't look like something he had picked out on his own. "I think it's just time I move on," he had told you. "I can't cry forever."
You went on a date and another and another and he fucked you in his apartment and he didn't cry again. So after a month and a half when he asked you to be with him, to be with only him, you accepted and you kissed him and you fucked him again.
And you didn't really talk about Akaashi after that.
Sometimes you would hear about him: when MSBY fans would post photos of Bokuto and Akaashi together and lament about how much they missed them together; when you two ran into Bokuto's old friend from high school and Bokuto lowered his voice to ask, "How's Akaashi's doing?"; when you visited Bokuto's parents and they recounted a phone call they had just had with Akaashi and gushed over how much they missed him.
Akaashi was this perfect, persistent ghost that kept your eyes bloodshot.
You were feeling brave one night when you asked Bokuto, "So, what exactly happened between you two?"
And he got this look, that same look, eyes unfocused and jaw tensed. His voice dropped when he said, "It just didn't work out like we thought it would."
That was the most he would ever say about him.
It was hard not to think about him. It was hard not to feel like you were just some consolation prize. The second-best thing Bokuto could get since he couldn't have Akaashi. But he told you that he loved you and he squeezed you tightly and giggled in delight every time he saw you. He kissed every inch of your face and held you in his arms like it hurt him to let you go.
Bokuto made you feel like you were his world.
When you did eventually meet Akaashi, it was on accident. You were at an MSBY game, sitting in the stands and wearing a jersey with Bokuto's name on it and Akaashi, of all people, sat next to you.
You knew it was him the second you saw him. You had seen a photo of his face squeezed between Bokuto's bicep and had studied it long enough to recognize him anywhere. Even then, it didn't really capture him. Akaashi in the photos didn't even come close to Akaashi in real life.
It seemed Akaashi recognized you, too. His eyes got wide and his face flushed red and he didn't even introduce himself. "I hope you don't feel uncomfortable at me being here," Akaashi had said to you, like he knew you knew who he was.
"Not at all," you told him, and you were lying through your teeth. "I'm grateful for everyone who comes to support him."
Akaashi nodded and didn't look you in the eye. "I'll always be here to support him."
That night, you waited until Bokuto fell asleep in bed beside you, and you escaped to the shower so you could cry as loudly as you wanted.
It didn't come long after that.
Bokuto came home one day and confessed to you through teary eyes that he had been talking to Akaashi again. They had been talking a lot. Not about anything bad, he assured you, just life and how things have been and what they'd been doing. They were talking like friends.
That's okay, you told Bokuto. You told him they were allowed to be friends.
But Bokuto just shook his head. "You don't understand," he said to you, "I don't think me and Akaashi could ever be just friends."
You blinked. You stared at him and asked if he cheated and Bokuto said no, he would never be cheat. He would always be loyal and he never wanted to hurt you like that.
"And that's why," Bokuto said, "I can't be with you anymore."
It didn't hit you, at first. You just nodded and said, "I understand," even though you really didn't. Bokuto gathered the few things he had at your apartment and he leaned in to kiss you on the forehead and he left.
That was it. He just left. You stood there and you stared after him and you just waited for it to hit you. Bokuto left you. He left you for Akaashi, and you just stood there and pretended to yourself that you didn't see it coming.
