Megan. @birdladie - Tumblr Blog

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

I watched Tiger King, and WHAT THE FUCK

ouch

It happens when you least expect it. One day you are spending hours in front of the mirror trying to look cute for a boy who is on his way over to break your heart. It hurts. It still hurts 4 years later. It hurts more that he does not know how it all changed your life. I would do anything to just sit in my car with him. To be able to tell him how he destroyed my life. How when he left I lost my support system. He took my friends away, and left me on my ass. Tell him that I got raped. Raped by the person who he knows was the one who put all my walls up to him. To tell him that our shared best friend told me it wasn’t a big deal. That I just need to get over it. That after that he left me too. You didn’t know I was living with a stranger because I thought that was what you wanted me to do. I was separated from the people who cared about me most because I wanted to please you. That I would look in the mirror, at 125 pounds, and believe that I was fat. Because you told me I needed to lose weight. That I would hide from cameras because you told me that I wasn’t photogenic. That I stopped trusting men because of how many times they failed me. That I stopped trusting everyone because I did not want anyone to hurt me. That I stopped crying. I felt nothing but anger. That I took out this anger on the wrong people. I just needed you to show that you cared about me. But you didn’t. I don’t know that you ever did. It seemed so easy for you. You didn’t shed a single tear the last time we spoke. You yelled at me like I was the one who was doing the heartbreaking. But then you missed me getting better. You missed me finding new people who loved me for who I was, and didn’t want me to change. You missed me look in the mirror and be happy with what I was seeing. You missed me succeed in my career. You missed me grow. So I guess if I got to sit and talk with you I’d want to say fuck you, and thank you. Fuck you for all the hate that you caused inside of me. And thank you for letting me surround myself with people who are nothing like you.

kirkaut

fairylilies

i’m so sorry if someone made you think it’s hard to love you

bettsfic

i once told my therapist, “i feel like i’m too difficult to love.” i expected her to refute me, but instead she said, “be difficult for abusers to love,” and i’ll never forget that.

birdladie

ouch.

odysseiarex

sodomymcscurvylegs

“C minor! Put it in C minor!” - The Fairy Godmother in Shrek 2, about to SNATCH ME BALD!

icon

#dance #twerk #family #hotmess

bliss

#drunk #bar #drunk thoughts

mindful-minds

birdladie

I want this on my body

queerscully

me, experiencing the sudden anguish that comes with living: alright

The Journey To Giving In

Chapter 1

There must be something wrong with me. Why can’t I just let it go. When I say it, I mean my virginity of course. I’m 21 years old, and here I am holding onto this thing that doesn’t even exist. That is so stupid right? Like gender or money, it is something that only matters because someone a long ass time ago decided that it mattered. I know that most people just do it when they think that they are ready. I also know that some people get that choice taken away from them, and those people deserve a do-over. What even is sex? For me it would be a man putting his penis in my vagina. Some people say that they lost their virginity after the first time they did oral. That’s cool too. So WHY ON GOD’S GREEN ONE CAN I NOT JUST LET IT HAPPEN?? I want to do it, I really do, but every time I get close I chicken out and tell the guy to stop. Like with Colton. I knew the minute that I got in my car to go over to his place that it could be the night.

Colton was my very first tinder hook up. We matched and then chatted for about 2 weeks before I decided that I would, in fact, make the 45 minute drive to go to his house. I made a pit stop at Emily’s house on the way to possibly have sex for the first time. I was there for about an hour and I didn’t even mention that I was going over to Colton’s after I left her house. I just let her talk about her boyfriend, because I love to hear about him. She has never been happier than she is now, and as her best friend that makes me that happiest I have ever been for her. Maybe one day I’ll have what she has. I wasn’t even dressed up. I had minimal make up on, jeans, and my moms old EIU sweatshirt. My hair was long and blonde. I wore a light pink sports bra, and floral cheeky underwear. I had shaved that morning, but was still worried about the amount of hair on my vagina. I don’t know how boys feel about pubic hair because I’ve never asked and don’t plan to. Colton told me as I was pulling out of Em’s drive way that maybe I shouldn’t come because the roads were getting bad. There was not a single speck on snow on the road I was driving off, so I brushed him off and said that I was already on my way. He just told me to be careful. Once I got to Champaign, the roads switched from their normal potholes to an ice covered mess. It only got worse when I pulled off of the interstate. My GPS had me going down these snow covered back roads, and then shouted ARRIVED when I was at a barn. Yes, a literal barn. I texted him to tell him that I was there, and he came to the door to let me in. He gave me a tour of what is to this day, the coolest house I have ever seen. It was a three story refurnished barn. The tour ended with us in his bedroom. After a short discussion about what we like to watch, we ended up with a Bo Burnham special on. We mostly talked over it, but stopped sometimes to giggle at him. He was so confident. As soon as the movie was on he had his arm around me so that I was curled up into him. The conversation flowed easily, he mostly led it which I wasn’t used to, but enjoyed. Then we were both just laying their together watching Bo sing, and then I could feel him looking at me. I turned to meet his gaze. We sat there with our eyes locked on one another for a few seconds, and smiles spread across our faces at the same time, and he leaned in to kiss me. We immediately clicked. The laptop was moved off of the bed and his skinny body was now on top of my not so skinny one. He wasn’t much taller than me, and was surely 10 pounds lighter than I was. His curly brown hair was fun to play with while we kissed. My fingers kept wound in and out of his natural curls while he slowly kissed my neck, and then pulled my sweatshirt off over my head. I let it happen, and that was when I thought that I really might let him have sex with me. After my sweatshirt was off he started moving my bra to get to my boobs. He stayed there for a minutes and then moved back up my neck to kiss me on the mouth again. He paused for a minute just to stop and look at me. He then said, “Wow. I wish I could have sex with you.” That was the moment when I remembered that we had talked about the fact that I had never had sex before. Why?? WHY did I tell him that? I thought I had ruined everything, but he just went right back to kissing me. This time moving to lay on the bed next to me, and keeping his hands on my waist and butt. I moved my hands from his hair and neck down to the bottom of his shirt to take it off, and then after he sat up to take it off I got on top of him. This is the part I hate. I hate being in control because I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. I lean down and start kissing his ear. He exhales deeply on my neck. Perfect. The good ole trick that works every time doesn’t fail me once again. THANK GOD. I move from kissing his ear to kissing his neck and consider moving all the way to down to unbuttoning his pants, and immediately push that thought out of my head. I really don’t know how to do that, so I just won’t do that. Homie is really enjoying me kissing his body. So much so that he unbuttons my pants and wraps his arm around my waist to quickly, and with force, put me on my back. He pulls my pants down and off so that I am just in my bra and underwear. He kisses me over my underwear, and then makes eye contact with me as he gently places his hand on me. I shake my head yes, and then his smooth hands are inside my underwear brushing the outside of me. He leans up and starts kissing me again, and then slowly pushes a finger inside. I uncontrollably let out a little breath, and he pulls back to make sure I’m okay. I just pull him back into our kiss and then that is when things got serious FAST. His hands go from slow and gentle to fast and with a purpose. I’m trying to like it. I really am, but it switches from pleasure to painful so fast. After a few minutes of this, I grab his hand and tell him that is enough. He just smiles and says, “Okay.” I grab my sweatshirt put it back on, and then just lay next to him for a while. Then after a few minutes of that, he asks if I want to watch Deadpool. I say sure, and he gets up and walks across the incredibly long room to his closet to change out of his jean and puts on sweats. “We will have to watch the movie downstairs, I just have it on DVD if that’s okay with you.” “Yeah that’s fine.” I say as I watch him slip off his jeans. I get up and walk across the room, without my pants, to meet him in a hug. He places his hands on my butt and then pulls me in for a kiss. He pushes me up against the wall for a hot second, and then pulls away and hands me a pair of sweatpants to wear. Holding hands, we walk downstairs to the living room to watch the movie. We sit on different couches, and talk about the movie and the parties that he throws with his roommates. We exchange funny drunk stories, and laugh at the movie. He has such a deep voice for being a smaller guy. I like listening to him talk, even though he keeps picking on me. I try to give it right back to him, but he is so much better at it. After about an hour, he makes his way over the couch I’m on, and we are snuggled up on the tiny couch. “We obviously don’t fit here, so lets just go back upstairs.” We both stand without saying any words, and walk back up the stairs. We get to his bed, and this time he puts Stranger Things on in the background. The laptop doesn’t even sit on the bed this time, it just stays on the floor. We start kissing again, and he reaches his hand through my pants and underwear and starts touching me gently. It feels perfect. Then he pulls my, well I guess they were his pants but I was wearing them, pants down. He then starts to pull my underwear off, and I have a moment of panic. I’ve never let anyone take my underwear off. I deicide in a split second that I am going to let him. While he does that I pull his shirt off over his head. He then pulls me on top of him, and asks me, “What do you want?” I know exactly what I want. I want to sit on his face, but I don’t want say that out loud, so I just lean down and start kissing him again. This time with tongue. He knew exactly what I wanted. He leaned back, scoffed and said, “If you want it just come up here then.” So I laugh and do as he says. I move up and hover over him as he begins to kiss my vagina. His bed had a giant bay window over it in the place of where a headboard would normally be. So as I was riding his face, I watched it snow heavily outside on the farm. He then started to finger me as he continued to eat me out. This was something that I had never experienced before, and before I knew it I was moaning really loud. Thankfully, his roommates were both not home. I really wanted to have sex with Colton in the moment, but for an unknown reason I cut off our session abruptly. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do that right now.” “I know. That’s okay.” Then we went to bed. We faced each other when we slept. Always touching even when one of of moved. He always had his hand on me, and always held me as close as he could. Breathing in each others face and I loved it. I slept amazingly that night. In the morning I woke up to the TV downstairs blasting Jack Johnson music. In that moment, I wish I had given Colton my virginity. Instead I excepted that I would probably never see him again, and got in my car and drove home in the snow storm. Only stopping to get gas on the way home.

Graduation?

Sometimes I feel like a failure because I am not graduating on time. There isn’t anything wrong with picking up another major. It’s something that I want to do for myself. So I am doing it. Yay.