Hayden

Birds r life Crochet, knitting, art, crafts

[birdqueen4life]

Brb gonna go sob. I just found out about an animal shelter that burned down, it was a shelter where I got my guinea pig from quite a few years ago. A kid and all of the animals died in the fire. I’m devastated and feel sick to my stomach. Why is life so cruel

[birdqueen4life]

Hey so life isn’t turning out how it needs to be. My life and age is getting serious but I’m not.

[birdqueen4life]

What I’ve been realizing lately is that I’m never going to live a normal life. I’m not sure what life there is to live in this day and age. BPD will take and take and take until it takes your life. I don’t just have BPD, I am engulfed by it, I feel it everyday. It’s exhausting to feel everything 10x as strong as other people. Sadness feels like suicide. I want to live, but I want to live the way I want. I want a beautiful garden and lots of chickens. I want warmth and peace. I don’t want to ever remember my ex best friend who ruined my life since 7th grade. I don’t want emotionally intimate dreams about her every week. I don’t want to sit up in bed in the morning and mourn over the person I could have been without her. I wish I had a crystal ball that I could see into the future, to see if things worked out, or if I should just leave sooner than later. I’ll guarantee my suicide after my disabled chicken dies, or I think to myself, damn, why didn’t I kill my self when I was 8? or 12? or after Ophelia died? Sometimes I feel like maybe the only reason I was here was to “save” and help my ex bsf, and to save Ophelia. My job here is done. No matter where I step I feel like I cost people money and heartache. What do I do? I can’t function with all these anti depressants clogging up my motivation. I’m still depressed with my “anti depressants”. Kiss my ass that shit will never work. I am a void that can never be filled. I yearn for love and people but I cannot deal with them. What the fuck and why am I alive this is stupid. But also I want a beautiful garden and a beautiful house. And lots of chickens. And just let me know peace, something I feel I’ve never felt. I’ve been suicidal my whole childhood basically. I remember childhood memories and how I was always aware and questioning my existence. I was never happy happy. I mean I guess I have a genetic predisposition, but still. How come my life had to turn out like this?

[birdqueen4life]

Life is actually evil bro

[birdqueen4life]

What is this cruel thing called life? And why is it so hard and so beautiful? Why can’t it just be beautiful? I want things to be beautiful

[achillesinhighheels]

[birdqueen4life]

I need to die. I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to die naturally. Like get hit by a car or get some illness and die. Life is unfair

[birdqueen4life]

I actually fucking hate myself and I’ve accepted I’ll be alone forever and I’m too annoying for people to stay and I’ll never have a partner because I’m an ugly fat chud and I deserve nothing but suffering

[birdqueen4life]

Dude why is grief so painful

[birdqueen4life]

Oh, to be loved to the point of invention. I miss you sweet girl💞

[birdqueen4life]

Wow I don’t know who I am

[birdqueen4life]

[birdqueen4life]

I need my baby to intermesh with my soul🪽 or maybe she already is. I have an Ophelia shaped hole in my heart and I will never get that piece of me back. I miss her so much, I can’t do this anymore without her. I wouldn’t have wanted to live in her disabled body for a long time, it wasn’t kind. But oh my god how I miss you. I want to get a tattoo in remembrance. The lyrics are from a song with a completely different meaning but some lines in the song match up to our relationship. She was my savior and I actually wanted to be good for her, now I’m left hopeless and sad once again. Perhaps more hurt than I began. This is the most painful thing I have ever been through - and am still going through - and forever will be going through. She was my child and my everything, I am a grieving mother. I would have given a limb for her to be able to walk and live forever. She is the love of my life and gave me a glimpse into what my life could have been. May we meet again one day my Precious Peep Peep

[birdqueen4life]

I am so proud of myself, I just made pickled eggs for the first time. And that was the first time I made hard boiled eggs and they came out perfect!!!! Ahhhhh🥚

[birdqueen4life]

I promised myself I’d never stretch my ears because I love wearing normal earrings, but it’s lowkey calling my name…

[birdqueen4life]

If you poop, use this while pooping. Will change your life. It’s called a TV dinner table. You can put your feet up on the bar like a stool and scroll on your phone on the table while pushing out your smelly baby. As an IBS baddie this CHANGED my life. I can’t poop any other way now. #women in stem

[herpsandbirds]

Rainbow Leaf Beetle (Spilopyra sumptuosa), family Chrysomelidae, Brisbane, Australia

photographs by Dedi Barasat

[birdqueen4life]

Woah