Bites-The-Badge's Blog

Ex-Colonial Marines | Nanotrasen Private Security | Blues Music Enjoyer "Real leaders lead from the front, and Alpha Squad leads the way!"

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My Blog

HR has said that I need to work on my communication skills more. I have been given a blog. The keys on this keyboard are frustrating and small. I don't know what goes on a blog.

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Recovering

Huh, I don't recall making a lot of these posts... Dr. Buzzwell said that I'd have trouble remembering a lot of things. I'm glad to say that I am fully recovered from some substantial head trauma. I've been taking it slow the last few days, but Doc has given me a clean bill of health. It seems I posted some strange things in my dazed and delerious condition. Also, the V-21 subject goes by V now, and is the captain. Made some odd comments about us "being ghosts." and seems to know more about me than I'd ever told him. Things about my home.

Makes-The-Stitches also said some stuff. Says he remembers something about plushies and Gigs... thinking about all this is giving me headaches. Maybe I should take some Psicodine and lay back down for a while. I need to be in peak physical condition for work.

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

i forgot to ask, but... when we were chatting with rareel, i saw you pull out a guitar. how long have you been playing, then? -- makes-the-stitches

I've been trying to learn a skill that is outside the realms of security, squad based tactics or violence. Guitar is nice. The sounds calm me. It's nice to do something with my hands that isn't violence.

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

Should have been me. Should have been me. Turned to ash... ah. Horrible. Horrible. gaipkhungo gaipkhungo gaipkhungo!

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

???

pkhada khaweya! pkhada khaweya! mep'uuka Baghashank'o!

[devildogplent]

The fact they serve unlimited free alcohol on these stations is massive hazard.

I mean, i've been fine. I just limit myself

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

Sometimes easier said then done... Been struggling. Saw some stuff. Shouldn't have... Been hard without security. Fighting is all I know. How do you just turn it off?

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

Things have changed drastically. I felt bad for a while. Since I was a child, I was trained to fight. I've been in more battles than I could count. To have to do something else has left me feeling lost and confused.

But it hasn't been all bad. The bad has been cancelled out by some good. I took a shift as janitor and there was something to be said about the time you get to reflect. The world goes on around you -- and its not your responsibility to stand against the tide. You just ride it.

I took a few shifts as paramedic as well. It gives me the same feeling of satisfaction that comes with saving innocent lives. Its not my job to throw myself between them and danger -- but I can drag them out of danger and get them back on their feet, or at least to someone that can.

I have also had time to communicate with others, one on one. I never had time for that before. Its been interesting. I'm not a social creature -- but they seem to accept me anyway. I just finished a shift where I was part of a "prank" where I minor assaulted a fellow crewmate with lizard plushies alongside our chemist, who himself is quite nice.

This leaves me with new perspectives. I don't feel whole, but it gives me the strength I need to go on. A needed respite in a battle against what Gigs has called my "Inner demons". I like that term. If there's one thing I truly know, its battle. Makes it feel more achievable.

[making-the-memories]

So Gigs spoke with you too, huh...? He's a pretty good ear to talk to...

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

I would have likely drowned in spirits and my own sorrows if Gigs hadn't come over to help me see the bigger picture again. I've struggled with drinking since I left the UNMC. Frankly, this time I'd been content to just let it take me. Every time I fail and fall into abuse again, it feels harder and harder to stand back up. It's like the weight of my previous failings is thrown onto my back. For a moment, I was content if I never stood up again.

That would have been mistake. I can see that now. V and Gigs helped me get that perspective. I am in their debt.

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

Things have changed drastically. I felt bad for a while. Since I was a child, I was trained to fight. I've been in more battles than I could count. To have to do something else has left me feeling lost and confused.

But it hasn't been all bad. The bad has been cancelled out by some good. I took a shift as janitor and there was something to be said about the time you get to reflect. The world goes on around you -- and its not your responsibility to stand against the tide. You just ride it.

I took a few shifts as paramedic as well. It gives me the same feeling of satisfaction that comes with saving innocent lives. Its not my job to throw myself between them and danger -- but I can drag them out of danger and get them back on their feet, or at least to someone that can.

I have also had time to communicate with others, one on one. I never had time for that before. Its been interesting. I'm not a social creature -- but they seem to accept me anyway. I just finished a shift where I was part of a "prank" where I minor assaulted a fellow crewmate with lizard plushies alongside our chemist, who himself is quite nice.

This leaves me with new perspectives. I don't feel whole, but it gives me the strength I need to go on. A needed respite in a battle against what Gigs has called my "Inner demons". I like that term. If there's one thing I truly know, its battle. Makes it feel more achievable.

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

Security Hiatus

HR has made a decision. I will be taking a break from security work effective immediately. Hard decision.

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

???

Oq'o Ch'awaruutu ruukkha ruq'echkha  nga nga nga  echkha yaala 

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

Doc said I should journal my feelings. Put them somewhere other than my own head. Not used to that.

I feel like I’ve brought shame on the security department. Losing a limb... feels shameful. Maybe Kruxaruk was right when it said I don’t take proper care of myself. For most of my life, I’ve worn my scars proudly. They were stories. Proof that I had survived something difficult. Proof that I had done my duty.

Lately, they feel different.

Every scar is still a story, but now they feel more like a tally. A record of pieces lost along the way. I look at myself and wonder how much can be replaced before there’s nothing left of the original. I wonder if I am still whole - and if I'm not, will I ever be whole again?

I’ve never lost a limb before.

I always assumed it would change me. That it would make me more cautious. More aware of my own mortality. I imagined there would be a before and an after.

Instead, I woke up, learned what happened, and started thinking about when I could get back to work.

That troubles me, because- no, not sure.

Likely... not the injury itself. The fact that it doesn’t seem to trouble me as much as I thought it should.

Back home, losing a limb was the end of a warrior's life. A crippled warrior was pitied at best and discarded at worst. Here, half the station has been burned, crushed, spaced, electrocuted, or shot at some point. They get patched up and keep moving. Some of them are more machine than flesh. Some of them are all machine.

Nobody seems particularly bothered by it.

Maybe that’s normal.

Maybe I’m the strange one for thinking about it this much.

I don’t know.

I keep finding myself staring at the empty sleeve at night. Not because I miss the arm. Because I feel like I should miss it more.

That feels like the sort of thought I should probably discuss with Doc.

It also feels like the sort of thought I won't. Might have been to much to share here. Shouldn't unsay, cowards backtrack. ((OOC: Art by me, ft: https://making-the-memories.tumblr.com/ in the background. Probably not the normal art I'll do for this blog, this took way to long to do more than once in a blue moon.))

[making-the-memories]

Um... I don't know if you meant to make this public, or if you wanted strangers to comment on it, but if it helps you better any... I'm a doctor, and even I don't really know what to make of all this...

I started my own blog so I could, uh, keep a log of who I am, between, uh... versions of myself, I guess? And apparently someone told a past me that, if you keep thinking too hard about this stuff, you start losing who you are. I mean, even without the pods, organic beings lose and replace their skin and blood cells every day... Is this really any different?

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

We don't loose ourselves when we shed skin. If another me came out of a pod it would be a puppet of flesh and nerve and steel. No inner flame. No ruukkha! If this is public so be it. I fight no battles in the shadows, why should my inner conflict be different.

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

Doc said I should journal my feelings. Put them somewhere other than my own head. Not used to that.

I feel like I’ve brought shame on the security department. Losing a limb... feels shameful. Maybe Kruxaruk was right when it said I don’t take proper care of myself. For most of my life, I’ve worn my scars proudly. They were stories. Proof that I had survived something difficult. Proof that I had done my duty.

Lately, they feel different.

Every scar is still a story, but now they feel more like a tally. A record of pieces lost along the way. I look at myself and wonder how much can be replaced before there’s nothing left of the original. I wonder if I am still whole - and if I'm not, will I ever be whole again?

I’ve never lost a limb before.

I always assumed it would change me. That it would make me more cautious. More aware of my own mortality. I imagined there would be a before and an after.

Instead, I woke up, learned what happened, and started thinking about when I could get back to work.

That troubles me, because- no, not sure.

Likely... not the injury itself. The fact that it doesn’t seem to trouble me as much as I thought it should.

Back home, losing a limb was the end of a warrior's life. A crippled warrior was pitied at best and discarded at worst. Here, half the station has been burned, crushed, spaced, electrocuted, or shot at some point. They get patched up and keep moving. Some of them are more machine than flesh. Some of them are all machine.

Nobody seems particularly bothered by it.

Maybe that’s normal.

Maybe I’m the strange one for thinking about it this much.

I don’t know.

I keep finding myself staring at the empty sleeve at night. Not because I miss the arm. Because I feel like I should miss it more.

That feels like the sort of thought I should probably discuss with Doc.

It also feels like the sort of thought I won't. Might have been to much to share here. Shouldn't unsay, cowards backtrack. ((OOC: Art by me, ft: https://making-the-memories.tumblr.com/ in the background. Probably not the normal art I'll do for this blog, this took way to long to do more than once in a blue moon.))

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

So, um... I actually had a question. Why is your name Bites-the-Badge? Did you, um... Name yourself that? -- @makes-the-memories [OOC: pleaaase pretend i sent that from stitches actual blog, side blog cant send asks yet SHAKING MY FIST -- dex]

I used to go by a different name, but when I left my homeworld I found it to be difficult for others to pronounce -- and I didn't much think it defined who I wanted to be after I absconded. When I enlisted to join the corps, Bites-The-Badge was a name that was given to me for one reason or another, and it seemed to more match the names of the other reptiles around me. It was nice to have a more normal name and not stick out as much.

[devildogplent]

I have spoken with the short purple lizard Tar-Awas. She has showed me this many-episode documentary of alien creatures. They possess great combat skills like telekinesis, fire breath, the ability to fly, the ability to manifest prismatic explosions and many more. I have also been told that their survival mechanisms are powered by happiness. What peculiar creatures. They seem to exist in an entirely different dimension. How this footage was obtained must be a scientific breakthrough.

Is this that stupid damn pony show

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

They don't seem to resemble the Terran ponies I have seen before. They have a much different xenotype. They are stockier. Some of them posses powerful energy-based abilities which I am told Terran ponies do not have.

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

Medical Leave

Massive frezon leak. Nearly turned my cold blood to gelatin. Suffering greatly now. Taking some time off, until the bad scales stop slothing off.

ot'a ugha dzuro 

[tarsprettyponycorner]

I don't understand the appeal of the small horses. Why are they so vibrant? Is it a warning mechanism? Are they poisonous to predators? Is that why you like them?

OK SOO BASICALLY... MLP (my little pony) is about ponies who live in equestria and some of the ponies can fly or use magic... + ponies have special interests and talents that theyre destined to have and stuff. theyre colorful because of the joy in their hearts and their passions. Theyre also usualy so nice andif somepony isnt nice then everyone tries to help them be nice usually...SOOO all that is why i like them. Being a pony would be sooo cool too... And I think more people should watch MLP and understand the teachings of MLP that way the universe is a better place XD

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

I have done research. The one with the multicolored mane possess great skill and serves her country's air force. This is admirable. However, her lack of discipline and self-control seems dangerous. Also the rainbow one posses distinct warning colors but never uses them to ward off potential predators like the Man-Ta-Cores and the Dis-Cords. Why does she not use the fact she is poisonous to her advantage? Is she stupid? Is it some sort of psy-op?

[tarsprettyponycorner]

theyre not poisonous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!they are colorful because of their passions and joy!!!!!!! there r episodes where something changes their identity (discord changing their traits/personality or starlight removing their cutiemarks) causing them to become colorless and sad...................so when theyre unhappy they r uncolorful

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

Their defense mechanism is tied to their happiness? This is an odd evolution. Entirely utility. They must strive for happiness, more happiness is increased survival. Fascinating. But why is happiness important when the rainbow mane one possesses the capabilities of a long range missile? The rainbow one can detonate the atmosphere, but they still choose to fight with friendship. Is happiness the fuel of this combat mechanism? I must research more. There are a lot of episodes of this "Little Horse Show."

[bitesthebadgesecurityservices]

Mantra One

guro qkhigiya  juukhawa qkhigiya  khewaqkho qkhigiya 

guro qkhigiya  juukhawa qkhigiya  khewaqkho qkhigiya