I grew up in the shadows of my brother (and I think Iāve talked about this a few times in here?). He graduated valedictorian in the same elementary school. He went to a science high school and graduated with highest honors. He was in a science field in college and graduated 0.0025 away from being summa cum laude. While me? I was the sister. The less brilliant sister who didnāt excel in math and science like her brother. The sister who was way too friendly compared to her quiet yet really intelligent brother. And thing was, I directed my anger towards my brother with the constant comparison Iād get from people around me, especially from my parents.Ā
It was only in college, when we were both in UP Diliman, when I realized how misdirected my anger was. It wasnāt his fault that he was smart and he excelled academically, I was mad at the constant comparison wherein he couldnāt do anything about it. Throughout the years I was in UP for my undergrad, I grew close to him. Heād be there in my dorm when Iām sick. Iād give him birthday gifts which I saved for from my allowance. Weād go out and try new restaurants around UP. And when my mental health spiraled, it was my brother who supported me (financially, and sometimes emotionally). I saw how he tries his best to understand me and myĀ ābad daysā. I know how hard it is for him to emotionally connect with us since he went to Pisay Main for high school, so he spent hisĀ āgrowing upā years away from us. But he tries. He tries his best. And Iām beyond happy that weāve become closer throughout the years.
Now, for my parents, I honestly saw the big difference with my relationship with them. Iāve always been the angsty, angry teenager since it always seemed like whatever I did was not enough aka I couldnāt match my brotherās brilliance. It was exactly the reason why I was more affectionate towards my friends and more open to them. They know Iām friendly and a generally happy person but they didnāt know that from first hand experience. I remember crying when I found out that I passed the UPCAT. I cried, not because it was my dream school, but because I was finally going to be away from home. I was in bliss whenever Iām in university. I was far from the constant fear of my parents noticing every mistake I did. I felt free. I was free. Thatās why I opted to work in the metro, and later on, studying again for grad school. Still, I felt free. But that was a total of eight years of being away from home ten months out of twelve, and it was only a year ago when I finally realized how old my parents are.
They aged. And I wasnāt there to see that happen. It broke my heart when it dawned in me that for eight years, my parents were lonely with their two children both in Manila. So now that Iām home (maybe for good. but who knows? letās see how my career plans go.), I noticed how different our relationship is. I am more open to them. I can joke around with them (i sometimes call my dad sizt and heād call me sizt as well which makes my mom laugh). I can even hug my parents without awkwardness. They know I like to drink, and I curse (they just donāt know i smoked before and my hoe phase lol). They see more of my emotions, and they listen to what I have to say. I noticed how I can go in between their fights and act as a referee. I even engage my parents in political discussions. And sometimes, I get to tell them about the toxic attitude and mindset of their generation which opens up discussion about what should and should not be present at home. So I guess my parents and I finally grew up. But we still have a lot of growing up to do. Theyāre not perfect, and Iām far from being one. But this is certainly a start.
Also, I think a big factor of it is my mental health. My parents know I had professional help and sometimes, when Iām hugging my mom, sheād ask meĀ āokay ka lang ba talaga?ā Iād laugh because, to be very honest, I am okay. There are still bad days but not as bad as they used to be. I find myself thanking God that Iām finally home. If you tell 15 year old Hysa about this day, sheād roll her eyes and laugh at how impossible it sounds. But, ha, laughs on you, younger self. You love being home.
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