walang titulo @blablataba - Tumblr Blog

2020 was 5 years ago?!

Wow, just a random Monday morning when I thought of checking again if buhay pa ang Tumblr account ko so here I am!

Last post was 2020! What, 5 years have passed already?! Ang daming nangyari! I am a lot happier now compared to my previous posts 🤣

I'm excited to share what I've been up to lately!

GRABE

Of course, no one’s going to welcome me back but it feels nice to write again here. It is quite nice to read some of my kadramahan hahahaha what am I even thinking at that moment? I have read bunch of my drafts are about me being anxious, weary, and what clueless? or just straight out scared na baka ganito, baka ganiyan without even trying.

If I am going to kill myself... I won’t.

If I am going to kill myself now, my family would be so sad.

The last thing I want to happen is seeing my family crying, grieving, in front of my coffin, not even last, I don’t want it to happen. If ever, please never. Although inevitable, I know. However, not now. Not by the reason of me killing myself.

My family sees me as the one who always smiles. They never think of me harming myself or even having suicidal thoughts in which I do. That’s why if I end it now, it would be too soon. They see me cry, they see me sad but they never asked me how am I because they know I can get through it all, I can get through everything after a while.

If I kill myself now. my mother will overthink for days why did I do it and soon blame herself for not being a good mother to me (which is not, she’s the best), my father will lose a daughter that he expected to be successful, my grandmother will be so sad because she loves her grandchildren more than she loves herself. My friends will forever wonder why. My relatives will never stop gossiping about it. And I know, they will all going to miss me but also has a question in their mind on why did I do it. Unless I’ll leave a message, which is going to be long it will look like a book.

When I die, I don’t want people in my burial asking how. I want my family to say that, we all die, we all have our time. I want people talk about the memories I had with them not why I ended it.

If I am going to kill myself leaving my love ones crying, grieving, in front of my coffin, my soul will be so sad that she’ll regret what she did, that’s why I won’t.

#chapter 2

If I am going to kill myself... I won’t.

If I am going to kill myself now, my burial would be so dull.

3-in-1 kape lang ang ihahanda, pandesal lang ang tinapay, sopas na kulang sa sahog, goto na walang manok, bilang na buto ng pakwan ang ihahain kasi walang kakayahan ang pamilya ko maghain ng mas higit pa doon, sa ngayon.

Ayoko ng mumurahin na kabaong. Gusto ko maliwanag, maraming upuan at lamesa sa labas para sa mga makikiramay. Gusto ko magarbo, ‘yun bang kapag nakita ng mga tao hindi nila iisiping may burol. Gusto ko uuwing busog ang mga bisita (pero bawal mag-uwi). Gusto ko maramdaman ng mga taong makikiramay na masaya ako sa naging desisyon ko dahil pinaghandaan ko iyon.

Pero hindi nila iyon kayang i-provide, sa ngayon, kahit mag-iwan pa ako ng note na gusto ko niyan, gusto ko nun, alam ko tutuparin ni Mama pero saan kukuha ng pera? Uutang pa? Ayoko. Ayoko yung malulungkot na nga ang pamilya ko, mabubutasan pa sila ng bulsa. Kung gusto ko ng magarbo, I myself should work hard for it. My family would be so sad and I don’t want to stress them out because of money.

If I am going to kill myself and be dead wherein my family has no luxury to get me a decent burial my soul will be so sad that she will regret what she did, that’s why I won’t.

#chap1

Falling apart

It is already 3 o'clock in the afternoon, at home sitting in our living room, watching TV, drinking Vitamilk, with hundreds of pages on my lap. This day is not my usual day, Sunday is supposed to be my rest day but I can not even close my eyes because I know if I did, I won't pass this subject and that I will retake this on summer and aaaaaaahhhh.

I don't know anymore, I am barely passing but guys I am really doing my best. I know it ain't enough but ugh nothing.

Just wanna vent out a little.

I must feel better now so I can focus on studying again.

#ciao #miss u tumblr