Shorty Wanna Be a Thug

My name's Molly & I like many things. I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. 24; Recovery; Kthxbai

[blackbird-flyy]

I have to delete my tumblr, at least the app to start. All I do is obsess over how not sick I am and wish I weren't well. Good luck everyone. For my health, I have to. Not that I'm very active on here anymore.... good luck.

[blackbird-flyy]

I'm beyond stupid

Got a little discombobulated today and took an adderal when I meant to put it in my wallet. Like... pill in hand, must take... now I wasted my addy and had to purge because I want to sleep tonight. I'm and idiot. I was saving it for when I have to camp out to get my venue. Ugh. I can't.

[blackbird-flyy]

At some point you have to decide

Is it really worth it? I want to be better.

[kalopsiea]

I have this belief, however flawed it may be, that there is something intrinsically wrong with me. That despite whatever happens, there will always be something inherently wrong in my traits, in my personality, in me. No matter what I do, I cannot escape myself; I cannot ever truly be ‘normal’ or ‘better’ if I am the defect. (And truthfully, this scares the shit out of me.)

[blackbird-flyy]

Fighting not to purge. The struggle is real.

[parksandrecovery]

When you see your weight

[blackbird-flyy]

It's been awhile since I've cried in the grocery store. So that was pretty fun.

[blackbird-flyy]

me: i should probably shower i havent in a while and I feel gross

executive dysfunction: no

me: well i should make some food then, we're out of leftovers and instant meals

executive dysfunction: no

me: can i at least clean up a bit around here? it's so messy and gross

executive dysfunction: no

me: ok what can I do

executive dysfunction: you can lie on the couch and feel like lazy garbage

me:

executive dysfunction: here i'll help u

[blackbird-flyy]

Struggling. Feel unworthy. I quit drinking soda and energy drinks. Also, pulling back on alcohol.

[caitlindeactivated]

When does this whole jealousy of other people’s eating disorders go away? Like I finally have friends, a boyfriend, pets, an apartment, a good full time job yet I would still kill to be thin thin thin.

[blackbird-flyy]

I cannot and will not be this weight anymore. I quit.

[blackbird-flyy]

Bulimia always rears it's ugly head. Whether in action or thought. I hate it.

[blackbird-flyy]

I always remind myself... I can't lose me to this disease. I can't lose my life to this awful disorder. I'm not going to lose the love of my life to the constant thoughts and desires to be thinner, eat better, and not be worthless. That's not how he sees me. I am here for my pups. I am present. I can't lose my sunshine. So I eat. I keep food down. I move forward. Even though it's painful. Even though it feels wrong.

[blackbird-flyy]

So, I’m engaged. Yayyyy.

Now here comes the hard part. I hate my body as is. I want/need to lose weight. I can’t look like a fat cow in a dress. A big Ole moomoo…. I told mac before the wedding I need to get rid of the scale but I’m not ready yet. I downloaded mfp again. Got another charger for my fitbit since my dog ate the other one.

I’m in a tug of war right now. I know the right ways to do things and the wrong. I still don’t know what to do.

[lost-in-interim]

Molly, (I almost did “milky” again- stupid autocorrect lol. Find a dress that FITS YOU. You don’t have to fit into the dress. You are absolutely beautiful and Mac fell in love with who you are.

[blackbird-flyy]

Oh ashley, you have the words.... and the feels. Funny thing is, he said to me, "I have already thought about how you would stress about your weight in this situation. Know that I love you at this weight and i proposed to you at this weight."

Ugh. I hate body image.

[blackbird-flyy]

I've thought about weight loss before weddings before too and my thought is this: would you rather look back at your wedding pictures and look nothing like yourself/have your kids be like who is that because you lost weight or look back and have the memories of the event itself?

I guess the hard part for me is knowing that this is not where my body is comfortable. I want to get to a weight that is "healthy" for my body type. I know my body hurts more because of the weight it has to bear. I have a petite frame. This doesn't suit me. I don't want to be this weight the rest of my life. I know of I were more active and didn't eat so much fried work food, my body would thank me. I also know ed drives some of this conversation. The struggle is real.

[blackbird-flyy]

So, I'm engaged. Yayyyy. Now here comes the hard part. I hate my body as is. I want/need to lose weight. I can't look like a fat cow in a dress. A big Ole moomoo.... I told mac before the wedding I need to get rid of the scale but I'm not ready yet. I downloaded mfp again. Got another charger for my fitbit since my dog ate the other one. I'm in a tug of war right now. I know the right ways to do things and the wrong. I still don't know what to do.

[stability]

[blackbird-flyy]

I think the only thing I disagree about this is being able to see people's faces when they are sick. Skin, no matter which subtype of ed you fall into, looks awful, eyes are dull, and smiles are forced. In people's recovery pics they tend to look brighter, all over. Just a thought...