When Witches Watch Ghost Shows
“That’s…That’s not how Ouija boards work. And the apps are not a reliable indicator of activity because their shit is randomly generated.”
“Why are you ASKING the tiny mysterious child to come in and play? Are you fucking stupid?”
“Why is it white people? Why do these shows almost always feature random white middle-America fluffheads without the sense God gave a goose? Is it because they do dumb shit more often or because POC families are quicker to recognize spirit bullshit and move the hell out?“
“-blink- Lady, that is NOT the 91st Psalm.”
“Wait, so you saw random geometric symbols doodled in a closet and you automatically thought OMG SATANIC? What kind of ignorant jackass….”
“RECREATIONAL TAROT CARD READING DOES NOT RANDOMLY SUMMON SPIRITS, YOU USELESS CARDBOARD SUBMARINE!”
“Since when is divination the same as spirit-summoning? What is this bullshit? Read a goddamn book, people, holy crap.”
“No no no, you can’t just set herbs on fire and think that’s it. You have to put some oomph behind it and claim your space. Holy shit, if you can’t use the sage properly, put it the fuck down.”
“You moved into a house that the realtor was literally afraid to walk around in, did you think there was no REASON for that!?”
“Oh you ignored your wife and kids being terrified cause you’re skeptical of spirits, mister big tough man? How’d that work out for ya? Thrown down the stairs you say? Gee, that’s rough.”
“Why does NOBODY listen to their kids when they say they see weird shit!?”
-the second anybody mentions Zozo- “OH MY GOD. OH. MY. GOD. OH MY. GOD OH MY GOD. OHHHH MY GOD.”
“Ohhh yes, there was a witch who lived in the house once. Totally the cause of your haunting because we all know that the only thing witches do is sit around and summon evil spirits. Much wicked. Very scare. Wow.”
“Yanno, witches aren’t automatically evil and hauntings can be nasty without being demonic. Your fundie financial backers are showing.”
“Listen, numb nuts, surfing the internet to find out what’s clomping around your house at night is kind of like going to WebMD to figure out why you have a stomachache. The answer you find is always going to be way more dire than what’s actually going on. Sheesh.”
“Oh my fuckin life….I need more wine.”
“Okay, somebody literally told you the place was bad news as you were moving in. You didn’t think that was maybe some kind of sign that all was not well?”
“The landlord specifically told you not to move the thing, not to go in the shed, and not to open the padlocked room. So what did you do? You moved the thing, you went in the shed, and you pried off the padlock and went in the room. You really are an especially virulent strain of stupid, aren’t you.”
“Why are people always so shocked when they look into a house’s history and find out people died there? You look far enough back, somebody’s died pretty much everywhere, especially in rural areas. Not automatically a haunting.”
“You decided to go up on the roof and slipped. Honey, that’s not supernatural. That’s GRAVITY.”
My favorite is when they throw around the word “poltergeist” for no real fucking reason
Same here. And also “demon” or “demonic.”
Like, my dudes, sometimes plain old human ghosts are assholes too, okay?
Or they always blame the spirits of "Native Americans" for everything. Oh the light flickered...dang natives at it again..Please.
