What Would You Have Me Do?
A/N: I had some stuff to get off my chest for this one, guys. This is inspired by the scene from Fences (great movie/play). This might even break a few hearts or this could be complete trash. Reader is from the Jabari so…you know they’re Black. Translations for names will be below after the fic. Feedback is most definitely welcome.
Warnings: Angst, adultery, mentions of/character death
“Madam, I’m so sorry.” Your handmaiden said. You stared out at the window as she began to clean up around the room from your tantrum. Shatters of hardened clay, pieces of wood on the floor, the sheets of your bed in tatters and around the room. This bedroom was spoiled to you. The very floor of your bedroom was foul to you. The sky was just as dark as your mood. A storm was clearly brewing in both you and the sky. The blizzard wasn’t due for hours but, the storm that M’Baku had to worry about was the one that was his wife.
“What else is there? Tell me the rest.” You growled.
“Lady Y/N, I don’t believe that…” your handmaiden started. You spun around with an almost inhuman look on your face, frightening her. She clutched the torn sheets in her arms.
“Tell me the rest!” you said with your teeth clenched.
It took all of an hour of your handmaiden to destroy your heart. It wasn’t her but, the deeds she told you. You had dedicated your life to M’Baku. You were the first female warrior in your generation. You went against the odds and became respected with how fierce you were. The men saw you as a prize but, you didn’t pay them any attention. You weren’t ready to be a wife. Your family was big so you left that to your brothers and sisters to produce offspring and make your mother and father proud.
That was the idea until M’Baku approached you. You had no interest in being the home-bodied wife of the Jabari chief. However, he convinced you. You fell in love with him and you settled on being a wife. And with being a wife of a Jabari man meant being a mother of several children. You became something you didn’t want to be. You loved your husband and your children. You took pride in being a mother, loved each of your children with your heart. You stood by M’Baku’s side whether in battle or on the throne. You were his wife, his council, his warrior. You were every woman he needed you to be. And there lies the problem. You were what he needed you to be.
You came to love M’Baku with every fiber of your being. However, over the years, you had to make peace with the idea that M’Baku made you into the woman he wanted. You, despite your reservations, gave him control. You submitted to him where you were taught to never falter. First, it was your mind. Then, he won your soul. Next was your heart. Everything was cemented on your wedding night when you gave him your body after saying your vows. Under his gaze and touch, you were weak. The scowl you kept on your face would disappear as soon as his eyes fell on you. M’Baku could smile at you and in an instant, all your hostility would wash away to be replaced by warmth.
You had pride in raising your three sons and daughter to be the next Jabari rulers and warriors. You were admired by the elders of the Jabari and the women. You were every woman. A warrior, a wife, a mother, a queen. But, the love of your people didn’t aid in your depressions over the life you had and didn’t ask for.
Love. That’s when you realized you loved him. He made you feel different. Where you would welcome being pierced by a blade or a club meeting your skin to form a bruise. The euphoria of being with him made you forget any pleasure and pain you felt anywhere else. Love, that’s how you saw it. How dare this man make you love him only to embarrass you? How dare he make you abandon your ethics to be by his side only to make a mockery of your vows?
You did it because you loved M’Baku. You gave him everything only for everything to be spoiled for you in return. The hate you were harboring made your chest hurt. You were blaming yourself. You let this man into your life. You gave him the room to ruin it, to ruin you. You were told that love was a beautiful thing. Was it really? What part about love gave someone the right to build something with you only for it to be destroyed?
M’Baku picked his head up as you stomped into the throne room. He had a grin on his face to see you. “Y/N, my love. What…” he began.
“Everyone, out.” You growled. The other tribal members looked between you and M’Baku, confused.
“Done. Everyone, dismissed!” You said. M’Baku’s lips went from a grin to a frown. You had a scowl on your face and your fists were clenched.
“And what exactly is the meaning of this?” he said, his tone dark to match your demeanor.
M’Baku’s shoulders tensed up and his eyes widened at the sound of her name leaving your lips. “How…did you find out?”
“Not the way I should have.” You hissed.
“Y/N, let me…” M’Baku said.
“No! I’m not going to let you do a damn thing! Why? Because, I’ve let you do things to me from the moment you pursued me! I let you change me and I was a fool to believe the poison that left your lips!” You yelled.
“Sssh!” M’Baku said, jumping up from his throne and rushing to you to hush you.
“Don’t hush me! Why should I be quiet? How can I when half the damn staff in this palace know that you have had another woman in our marital bed?” you said, pointing at him. M’Baku sighed and clasped his hands in front of his face. “And not only that. But, you have fathered another offspring. You have another child due at any moment!”
“Y/N, please.” M’Baku said, grasping your shoulders. You pushed his arms off and let your palm whip across his face with enough force to make your own shoulder hurt. The crack against his cheek filled the room. M’Baku stumbled back, surprised that you could still hit with such strength after all these years.
“You don’t get to touch me!” you said. M’Baku rubbed his face and looked at you. “How long have you slept with her? How long did you have your whore in my bed, soiling it? How long have you been disrespecting me?”
“Only two years ago. Just before you fell ill after giving birth to Shola.” he said in a shameful voice.
“Only two years ago. Only two years?” you repeated. “While I laid almost dying from giving you a daughter, you slept with another woman. And here I thought, the idea of me dying scared you from my bedside. If I died, would you have replaced me? Would you have made her your wife, the queen? How would you have explained to our children the reason for their stepmother?”
“Please, don’t be morbid, my love.” M’Baku groaned.
“You don’t love me!” you yelled. “If you loved me, we wouldn’t be here. You tricked me, damn you. You…” You started to choke. No, no tears. You wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. M’Baku didn’t deserve the air from your lungs much less your tears. No crying, no. The pain in your chest intensified and your jaw clenched. Your eyes burned from not blinking. If you even batted or moved your lids, the tears would fall. No tears, you told yourself. Your fists were clenched so hard that your nails were almost piercing the palm of your hand, daring to draw blood. Look what he had done. M’Baku shaped you and now he was breaking you. “I gave you…my life.”
M’Baku watched as you opened up. Not in a heartfelt way. Your resentment that had been building up now became verbalized. Your internal battle laid bare. The acrimony spilling into the air. The former joys of motherhood and endearment were no longer enough to keep it at bay. Now free from the chains of attachment, of loving union, of any obligation you had to him, your people and your family, all your vexations were now made clear.
“I gave you everything. I gave you my heart, my body and what do you do? How do you repay me? You’ve made me and my love for you a joke! You used me and like a fickle child, you found the next thing to feed your fancy. I am your wife, the mother of your children, your chieftess and none of that was sacred to you. You’ve desecrated this family, our union. You’ve desecrated me. I let myself fall for you and become one with you and for what? Why, M’Baku?” you said.
M’Baku stared at you, a haze in his eyes. “Why?!” you screamed with just volume that would make lions cower in your presence. “What reason? Why? For what? What had I done? What did I not do? What did I not give you? I went before Hanuman and pledged my mind, soul, body, heart to you! I prayed to Hanuman for you! I prayed as my husband that if it was in my power, my ability, you would have it. I gave you three strong sons, a beautiful daughter and I would have been happy to give you more even after I nearly lost my life to bring Shola into this world. I became what you wanted! I was every woman for you! I fought for you, I slaved for you, I pleased you, everything I did was for you! I did it because the love I bared for you was so great that Hanuman himself would have to die before I would let you go! But no, it took your adulterous behavior to make me see that you never valued me. So why? Why would you do it?!” Your voice cracked from the screaming but, it wasn’t tears. It was your energy being stripped from you as you ranted and raved.
M’Baku fell silent. He was observing you at you angriest, drinking in the pain he caused. The monster he created now stepping out of its cage. The wind beating on the windows as if Hanuman was knocking on them, rivaling your own frustrations. M’Baku felt cold, like death was washing over him. Not a physical death but, a mental one. The passing of your love. A connection severed. If the wilting of a flower felt like anything, it must have felt like this. The atmosphere becoming heavy around it. The essential life in it, depleting and betraying the physique of it. The hunching over and drying up. The vibrant aura of it fading. The petals falling off, weightless and shriveled. Losing its glamour and attractiveness as it diminished so ungracefully. Even the very roots have become rotten. What once was planted and nursed to be something beautiful now lifeless and decomposing, barely standing.
“Pathetic. Can’t even give me an answer. Do you even know why you did it?” you asked. M’Baku still stood, motionless. Shame on his face, his limbs ached with anguish. “Nothing to say?”
“Y/N, please. I still…” he started.
“You still love me. A futile lie. You are past the point of trying to tell me lies to think that you would smooth this over.” You said. You stormed out of the room, leaving him in complete silence.
You had been moved to a new bedroom, onlooking the other side of the Jabari mountains. You watched as the snow fell, furiously. Beautiful but, a force to be reckoned with. Everyone from the palace to the village was instructed to stay inside. This storm was possibly the worst the Jabari had seen in years. You sat in the wooden chair, letting the wind sing you a lullaby. Not that you would sleep anyway. Though your eyes were heavy, your throat sore from the yelling and banshee-like screaming that came with your tantrums. You broke more items around the palace, your former bedroom, and this one. Your room was practical in shambles but, the servants too scared to ask you if they would come clean for you.
Your body itched. Memories ran through your head. Each time you’d touch, the sweet things you told each other. The times you utter those three words that you heard as a curse now. Your life had been wasted on this man. You couldn’t fathom it anymore. If M’Baku had the same devotion you had to him, what demon possessed him to betray you?
You had no idea what time it was. You had watched this storm for hours. Every turnover, every dark cloud as it rolled over the sky, the snow piling up, the wind rattling the windows like it was threatening to break it. The snowfall fluctuating. Going from soft to hard and then to unrelenting to the point you just couldn’t see anything. You lost all sense of awareness of where you were. You were numb to the point you forgot you were sitting until moving your leg and bumping your heel on the foot of the seat. Your eyes were heavy but, you refused to sleep. Your lips dry but, no need to drink. The Jabari liquor you had in front of you was long watered down and warm. You wondered how much could you drink before submitting to an incoherent state and insanity. You wanted to be rid of your emotions, of your memories. What joy you would have had to erase all of this, to go back to when you were a free warrior and all you had to worry about was besting everyone else in sparring matches. Why couldn’t you have stayed a free woman?
You sighed, forcing yourself to stand up. You traveled to each of your children’s rooms. Your eldest son of 12, Mayowa, laid in bed fast asleep, snoring softly. He favored you but, his mannerisms were strictly M’Baku. Even the way the messily slept on the bed, arms sprawled out, pillows on the floor and sheets pulled from being tucked in the mattress. You picked up the pillow, lifted his head and placed the pillow underneath it. You let his head rest on the material. Mayowa gave a soft sigh. You leaned down a kissed his forehead.
You moved to your second eldest boy, Uuka. Even at nine years old, he was tall and strapping. He slept more peacefully. You thanked Hanuman that they could sleep through storms as you didn’t have the energy to quell them especially if they would come to you and M’Baku’s bedroom and find you not there. You placed a kiss on his cheek and left the room to find your youngest son. Songezo was your sweet, smart boy. At five, he was an intellectual amongst the other children his age. You weren’t sure where he got it from but, it was a welcome challenge having a son that wasn’t just about fighting and being an overall brute. He rolled over in his small bed, sensing you. You sat down on the mattress and opened your arms. He crawled into you, resting his head on your lap.
“Yes, nobusi.” You said, picking at his curls.
“I missed you, today.” Songezo whispered. “Where were you?”
“I’m sorry. Mama…was not feeling well today.” You said softly, the sting of recent events raising up. You couldn’t spill the contents of your hatred for your children’s father but, it wasn’t their fault. Even though you regretted loving him, your kids were the product of that love. They were the only thing you didn’t regret. You may have seen your adulterous husband in them but, they were also a part of you. Maybe even the best part of you, the best part of this marriage.
“Are we getting a new sibling? Last time you didn’t feel well we got Shola.” He asked.
Your breath shuddered. You rubbed his back, patting it. The tender actions to stop you from lashing out all over again. “No, dear. I just wasn’t well today. Mama loves you so much though. She loves all her children.”
“We’re always going to be a family, right?” Songezo said in between a yawn. You sighed as the question burned into you. The trust was broken. There was no point in playing games. You couldn’t remain his wife, not after all that you learned.
“Go back to sleep.” You said. “Mama will be here for you in the morning.”
You walked to the nursery. Shola’s crib sat in the middle of the room. Her small frame covered with the fur blanket. The same blanket she was wrapped in when she was born, the one blessed by the shamans after the child was born early. M’Baku thought it would bring strength seeing as your last pregnancy was a rough one. Shola was underweight when she was born and was breech. You suffered through the birth which left you bedridden for weeks. And that’s how this whole thing started. M’Baku watched you fight to give life and he went and found a new woman. While you clung to yourself, he clung to someone else.
You pulled the blanket over her a little more and smoothed a small curl from her face. She kicked slightly and squirmed. You shushed her, caressing her chubby cheeks and rubbing her small nose. Your small angel. The warrior you pushed out. You watched her grow despite being a sickly little girl. You watched her smile and give her brothers and nurses hell. Where she was smaller than average she made up for in playfulness and her attitude. You leaned into the crib, planting a kiss on her cheek.
You walked out of the nursery and walked back to your room. You watched as M’Baku turned the corner, looking at you. His eyes were irritated, no doubt from crying. “Y/N.”
“What do you want?” you hissed.
“Let me…please. Is there anything I can do to make this right?” M’Baku said with his voice cracking.
“No. Not a damn thing.” You growled. “What you have done cannot be undone? This marriage, however…can be.”
M’Baku sucked in a sharp breath and rushed to you. “Please. No, don’t. Don’t!” He dropped to his knees as if he had been injured. His arms snaked around your waist, holding you close as if you’d fade away if he didn’t hold you tight enough. “Anything you want is yours. Tell me what I must do and it will be done. Don’t let us go to waste! Not us.”
“Begging. Beautiful. You’re begging.” You said, snatching away from him. “That’s like putting gauze on a shattered mirror.”
“I’m sorry.” M’Baku said, hanging his head.
“It doesn’t matter now.” You said. You walked into your room, shutting the door behind you before M’Baku could even utter another word.
You walked through the halls of the Jabari palace. Everything was canceled as the storm was still sitting over the mountains refusing to move. Just as you refused to offer any form of forgiveness. You spent the day with your children. Hiding all resentment for their father but, equally avoiding questions as to why he was staying away from you. You had to keep them entertained as they were so used to enjoy the outside but, of course, that couldn’t happen.
You thought about if you could tell them what had happened between you and their father. However, you couldn’t break their hearts. Not how M’Baku broke yours. You felt strange sitting down for dinner with your family. Your children around the table, bickering with each other. You enjoyed being with them for the entirety of the day. They brought you joy but there was still anger. An anger that would never subside. “Mama, where’s Baba?”
“I’m not sure.” You said, gripping your fork as a reminder to not throw it and the plates in front of you. “We’ll have to ask him when we see him.”
“When the storm is over, can we all go fishing?” Uuka said. “Just like how we used to.”
“We’ll think about it.” You said, a lie. You would go anywhere with that man even if his life depended on it. “Of course, some of the snow will have to melt and we have to see if the fishermen are making a profit after all of this.”
Your handmaiden walked into the room. A perplexed look on her face, trouble yet again coming to your ears. She walked around the table after you motioned her on. You leaned back as she leaned in to whisper.
You put the children to bed early amid more of the storm coming. You didn’t want any of them to be witness to an argument or any foul action. You stood in the bedroom awaiting your husband or more news. The snow fell heavier this time. The wind louder and thunder accompanying it as well. A perfect manifestation of your emotions and the situation at hand. It was when the door opened that a chill ran down your spine. You didn’t turn around but, you knew it was M’Baku by the heavy footsteps, dragging along. Clearly saddened and weighed down by something.
“Y/N.” M’Baku said, weakly. There was an audible gulp as you turned. You saw the bundle in his arms. You studied his face and looked down at the bundle of blankets in his arms. He lowered his arms and you were present with a child. “Her…Her name is Phelisa.” He choked.
“To end.” You said, nodding. “How befitting.”
“Y/N…Ayomide, she…she died. She passed away this morning. Just after giving birth to Phelisa.” M’Baku said bouncing the child as it cooed in his arms. You clenched your jaw. You shut your eyes, drawing in a breath to fight the tears. “Y/N, I know I have no right but…”
“No! You aren’t going to do this. That child may have not done anything to me but, I am done doing things for you. I’m not giving you another thing. Not another favor, not another ounce of love or affection.” You said. Phelisa started to stir and whine. Her cries were almost a beacon to pull at your heartstrings.
“She doesn’t have a mother.” M’Baku said with his voice straining. You shook your head. “Y/N, please. Punish me all you want but, not her. Not my daughter.”
You gasped at the words. Your emotions betrayed you, a day’s worth of tears spilling from your eyes. “Stop.” You held your hand out as you turned toward the windows
“Y/N, she is innocent in all of this.” He said, coming closer. “A product of my own greediness and sin, yes. But innocent.” Phelisa began to cry. She squirmed in his arms. Her wails filling the room, your ears, your head. Begging to be silenced.
“M’Baku, she is your daughter and your daughter alone. You will raise her on your own!” You growled.
“Please, don’t turn your back on her.” M’Baku said walking closer to you. “Look at her.”
“No!” you said, turning back to him to see the tears come down his cheeks.
“Please, Y/N. What would you have me do?” M’Baku said.
“What would I have you do? What would you have me do?! You brought this upon yourself, upon our family! I won’t have any part of this! I won’t do this! You did this! She is your daughter, yours! You deal with this! I’m not her mother and I am not your wife!” you screamed, the wind howling along with you.
“I beg of you, Y/N. Look. At her.”
M’Baku lowered her even further, giving you a clear view of her. Beautiful. She was a cherub. Her face reminded you of the first time you held Shola. By then she was already two months old but even still an angel in earthly form. And yet again, you were presented with an angel. A child born from struggle. Her cries broke you. The small tears going down her cheeks pulled a sob from you.
M’Baku didn’t waste time, passing her to you. You held her in your arms, as if a prized possession to be protected. The same nurturing touch you gave all your other children. You bounced her, humming to her, silencing her. You held her close as you felt that was what the child needed it. At times, you wished your heart could be black and cold. But alas, you were human. And this crying child brought you to your knees.
“Thank you, Y/N. You’re a blessing.” He sighed wiping his own tears.
You sniffed, swallowing the lump in your throat. You pressed your lips together and regained your composure. You nodded.
“Yes. To this child, but to you, a curse. This child may now have a mother…but M’Baku…you no longer have a wife.”
Translations: Nobusi= honey, Shola= a blessed one, Mayowa=one who brings joy to the family, Phelisa=to end, Uuka=Rise up, Songezo=addition
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