Groundcover
I was groundcover. You hate yourself so much That you don’t understand that I love you I care for you, And I want you But you render my feelings invalid You are incapable of understanding Other people Because the self hatred you harbor, is More important than anyone could ever be Sadly, I understand your feelings of insignificance, I have felt them too Sometimes I still do. It's a familiar feeling, it's the one that feels like home. It is a false sense of security, your make believe safety net Anyways, the familiarity keeps you centered And you won't ever need to question yourself. Still, meddling in these types of feelings and thoughts are dangerous For the more you believe in them, the longer they will stay And in the end, they might never go away. It's a fragile path you walk, much like your sense of self.
Yet, when the physical home is a place where your mother have free reins, to hit you, to beat you, and verbally abuse you - I think I would have believed those things too. If your brother could dictate you, assault, and break you - I think I would have believed those things too. And your father didn't have to care, so foolishly unaware, showing his love in coin - I think I would have believed those things too. When the physical home can assault your inner being and very soul - I think I would have believed those things too.
And so, You were never enough.
Except
you were to me You were a safe space, a secret haven A person I loved A person for me Not like a lover, rather an eternal friend Through life and pain, you were my rain Because you washed it all away. Not like summer rain after a warm day, no You were a blend of autumn and spring, you'd rain and the grass would smell again. The drops on the leaves would prickle down my neck. And as you poured your love like droplets tearing open the waters surface, you tore down my walls. As the water you were, you erode through us, making pathways through my bones settling deep in my core, You my friend I, your forever home. 'Cus if you were rain, I'd be the mist that comes after it, and you were watching the cloudcover envelop the sky, as I evaporated and rose to the sky. But you stayed, amongst groundcover.
And I told you proudly that I had healed I was growing once more, and that I needed you to grow too To join me on my journey, where it could be us two But you declined, Again and again I tried forcing you, and To stunt my growth To pull you up from the water, Where you once had found me drowned. Yet you refused and refused What a devastating defeat.
I know the blame lies with me I hurt myself I saw potential in you And wanted you to grow, To be the best person You Could ever be - But that was never for you. You liked it down there amongst groundcover, oh my lover Your own body of water, thinking you were laying with me For I was groundcover Was means "I used to be". The last line of defense, To defend I almost killed myself Wishing on fae I fell in a well. With no chance of escape Except your belief in yourself, You could have saved me But your lack of credence Sealed my faith. You watched as I drowned in the rain I used to love, but these weren't droplets prickling down my neck, this was hail (hell). And as it poured Pieces of ice Punctured my heart Tore through my soul My brain scattered Amongst groundcover. The water that used to flow through us like the essence of life was now my personal torture device. With a pain so raw Without a fraction of skin left on these crumbling bones Out of the well I crawled, All bloody and used Here I lay myself down Amongst groundcover.
I have never met your mother, But she has called me twice.
Now I sit and await your ultimate demise.
As you curl your body Into my chest I feel you relax. Your body untangles Take a deep breath Here you lay Amongst groundcover. You're like a newborn child In the arms of a mother But I Not even a lover. I could strike to kill But haven't decided if I will. For here you are Vulnerable, In my arms. You feel a safety, you cannot compare Your life in my grasp So totally unaware. That I could kill you Or twist your mind Drive you insane Or kill you just the same. Instead I sober up, like an old soul does Laying my anger dead. I choose to hold you, Like your mother never would I embrace you And become what she never could I want to nurture you, make you feel things you never could - not sexually - I never would. You're a free spirit And I want to feel like a home, A sanctuary for your soul. Your real home is the forest But I don’t think you know that yet. I stroke your hair And your shoulders fall, Child of the forest may I be your home, at least ‘til you learn how to walk on your own?
I should have known our days were numbered, I knew it when I said - you have to come with me or I will leave for good. You made your choice clear And fast away I went. I let you lay on your own, amongst groundcover.
But as the egotistical woman that I am, just like your mother, I couldn't be alone I had to come back To snatch you To force you To alter our paths.
This position you've put me in is dangerous, I'd love to mother, but I am mad, I could kill this groundcover, Isn't this your home? I don't care And you Still so ridiculously unaware.
I want you to feel my wrath But all I feel is indifference. You have reached out time and time again, to say thank you for my service - for being your best friend. I know I was a friend to you, but you were not to me You took away, the purest part of me. For at the end of the day I must admit it took long to understand that water never grows, it simply stays the same. I know your mother beat you, she probably still do. I left you as you shared the most hurtful part of you. I hope you can forgive me For now I have to go. The privilege you possess, Your erosion of paths through my bones You still never saw Me All raw.
Well I don't love you anymore I don't answer, When you call out for me I feel you in my entirety I know you scream it to the night Whisper it into your pillow, Cry it, hiding under your sheet. I used to care for you, but I set those feelings free. Still I'm always a step ahead Of you Screaming What you're supposed to do. You call me a witch, Cus as it turns out, I am always true I know you better Than you will ever know yourself. I wish I could say the same for you But you barley know my name. For I don't think I ever was Groundcover. To me, you were rain, and you washed the hardship away. But I let you stay too long, And you drained yourself washing me away Killing us both. What used to be a quiet stream of tears down my face have become river of tears drowning me all the same.
I wish I could feel for you, I have forced to feel before, downpour. It doesn't work anymore. I'll let you be groundcover If I can set you free Here I lay dead Beneath the trees. In The Forest? Isn't This Your home?
(by me)
