all is flux and nothing stays still ✶ @vigilantejustice - Tumblr Blog

have been very good about forcing myself to go to work because historically speaking this is the kind of blue mood that’s easy to “one more day off to rot and i’ll be fine” about it that leads to quitting a job and leaning into the hole like a thumb jammed into a bruise. so that’s something. but just feels very much like having had a mirror pointed at me and seeing a thing so deeply beyond fucked. it’s been physically nauseating. have my entire life held lots at arms length because there’s no way to survive it if you don’t but sometimes an arm shakes sometimes it falters and sometimes it comes too hard and too fast and you’re nose to nose with kind of super untenable fundamental truths.

don’t know how to let it move through or how to push it back. feel both like the vulture picking away at a carcass and the carcass being picked at :(

#and the gag is crying is just not something that comes to me but it feels like a really good cry would go #maybe not a long way #but at least a little #the other gag is that a hug would also maybe help but i don’t have anyone like that #given the vulture carcass nature of my whole thing #and again am so safe but it is one of those things where just so so mildly do wish i was less #afraid i guess? maybe not the word #it was like when my ed was real bad and everyone was like do you think this is passive suicide? and it was like. yeah probably #because it’ll never happen actively #and i know that for certain #would never ever ever do that to my mum lol #actually people in my life know that they’ll have their work cut out for them if anything happens to her #anyways. sorry to be a huge fucking loser freak downer #this is par for the course tho so it unfortunately will happen again #personal

iamheavymeta-lll

myheartis4him-deactivated202207

any other girls feel a permanent sense of unbelonging no matter where they are or who they are with

magicfriend1000000000000000

its kill yourself wednesday be careful out there

#ah well that explains it

nonlynear

[suddenly disillusioned] my illusions..

sadiec0re

photographed by xiu xiu kong for fruits magazine

prefacing this by saying that i’m so fine so safe etc etc but stepped on a scale for the first time in half a year and then had a very brief moment of clarity where it was like. girl are you actually trying to tip yourself all the way into black dog’s jaw

#very silly goofy of me!#but it very much was like being able to recognise that as an act of self harm lowercase #and i guess it was because i definitely have been having the additional thought of wishing there was a world in which i was gutsy enough to #go after what i want. if you’re smelling what i’m stepping in #but i know that i won’t so i just get to feel like this until it passes #and then it’s back to liveable until it cycles back #has anyone ever been therapied into genuinely liking themselves? like is that a future? as someone who is #and i’m saying this earnestly even though no one ever wants to believe it #ugly? like losing half my body weight left me extra fucked and extra ugly #and i don’t know how there’s ever a world in where i’m okay with it #let alone expecting someone else to be cool with it either #anyways!!#sorry 4 this but also this is very on brand for amber vigilantejustice at this point #personal

calebwittebane

my name is Fucked Bastard and my special talent is not going to make it

ryan-sometimes

Paramore was right. Hard times

vigilantejustice

omw to meet up with the guy from last week and i’m so nervous i could throw up about it

vigilantejustice

it was so so nice and so so much fun genuinely. but. i am having many a black thought now :-) love my brain love my life :-)

#like was so good but it’s brought up so many anxieties i never had a reason to acknowledge before #there’s so much going on in my head that i can’t even pin it down to verbalise it #anyways! i’m safe this is not my first rodeo #but a bitch is getting sick of being at the rodeo #personal

omw to meet up with the guy from last week and i’m so nervous i could throw up about it

#this is my personal definition of hell but it’s like. also something i want to do #personal

sovietnam

homunculus-argument

I love informed consent, I love dignity of risk, I love the thought of having someone willing to tell me why the thing that I'm about to do is a bad idea, telling me in detail exactly what the consequences are, what's going to happen and why, and what's the worst that can happen, and then having no power to stop me when I decide to do it anyway because I'm an adult and I'm allowed to get my shit kicked in so fucking bad while doing something stupid if I so choose.

rozieramati

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unioncarbidesuperfan66

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oh boy oh boy new interpersonal relationships are a nightmare. there is no way to get inside their head to know what they’re thinking! and i’m thinking all of it! everything! from every angle!

#thinking myself in circles about the intention of the plans with the guy from friday night #he did say he wanted to ‘take me out’ but that COULD mean that we had good banter and he wants to platonically hang #i guess i could just straight up ask #we’re doing a bar crawl and ‘seeing where the night takes us’ which also still could read platonic fun times #anyways. have been and will continue to spiral #personal

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all is flux and nothing stays still ✶